Since the introduction of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi in 1883, the little wooden bastard has warmed our hearts time and time again with his puppety antics and youthful tomfoolery. His story has been told many times, from Walt Disney's 1940 animated classic to the Kubrick-Spielberg team-up, AI. But what of the the thousands of other Pinocchio-related films? Where do they fall on the "wooden-boy-comes-to-life-has-adventures-becomes-a-real-boy" spectrum?
We here at G.E.P. have heard your cries in the wilderness and have decided to come to your rescue with a little guide we're calling PINOCCHIO SMACK-DOWN wherein we will attempt to find the best Pinocchio-ish fare for your viewing pleasure. And remember, as always, we watch this stuff so you don't have to!
Title: Pinocchio in Outer Space
What the hell?!: "The adventure you are about to see is based on a true portrayal of outer space and could actually happen...to a puppet...come alive," says the narrator as the opening titles come into view across a field of stars. He is lying, of course, because this is perhaps the most untrue portrayal of outer space since Gumby walked on the moon (unless that came later, in which case you'll have to reverse the last sentence).
In the movie's prologue we are informed by the Blue Fairy, who lives in outer space with her elderly mother, that Pinocchio has once again become a wooden puppet after failing to cut it as a real boy. Apparently he started off well enough--breaking up fights between his classmates, telling the truth--but quickly degenerated into a blue-eyed bully--bashing the aforementioned classmates' heads into one another, tying a pot to his dog's tail. The only difference between his human and puppet appearances seems to be that his nose becomes a cork though, so...
As the movie proper opens, Pinocchio is studying facts about the various planets in our solar system. He finds these studies tedious and it's up to Geppetto to remind his ersatz spawn of the importance of a solid education. A news bulletin on television interrupts their heart to heart however. Apparently Earth's space program is in dire straits and who is the culprit?
Why it's Astro, the Space Whale, a gigantic whale with razor sharp teeth and a Snork nozzle on his back that propels him through the stars. Neat!
Pinocchio, desperate to be an obedient son, but also obsessed with making enough
money so that he and Geppetto can eat more than cheese for supper, decides that he is going to capture Astro and receive the cash reward being offered by NASA. He is convinced that this plan will succeed after listening to a mind-numbingly boring song performed by his old pals, the fox and
the cat, in this version of the story a fine, British gentleman and a shifty, Beatnik respectively. They sell him a book on hypnosis and after successfully hypnotizing a plastic duck, Pinocchio decides he is ready. 'Course he needs a way into space, but that won't be a problem for long.
Enter Nurtle, a Twurtle, who Pinocchio mistakenly thinks is a turtle, but who actually looks like the Disney character Jose Carioca, who if I am not mistaken is a parrot. Nurtle is from the planet Twurtle Dee which is sister planet to Twurtle Dum (omg--I just got that!). He is a secret agent on a mission to Mars. Pinocchio convinces Nurtle to take him along and adventure ensues.
Actually, an hour long break ensued. I had to pause this thing and get some perspective. I surfed the internet for awhile, had some Cheez-its, took a piss, than returned to the couch for the second half of a 70 minute film that felt like it had already been playing for three hours. I mean, it was about 30 minutes in and Pinocchio's ass was still Earthbound.
Nurtle spouts a bunch of space facts that may or may not be true as the two intrepid explorers make their way to the red planet. Once there they find it quite desolate and mostly deserted 'cept for a few King Kong sized sand crabs who chase them around for a bit. It's all very harrowing if you possess three or fewer brain cells.
Pinnoke (as Nurtle, who sounds kind of like Regis Philbin, so therefore, annoying, likes to call our hero) and the Twurtle find a Martian city and following some sort of device that detects radiation, the two friends make their way into an underground lair. Here they find pits filled with smaller sand crabs and scorpions. Nurtle proposes that there must be some kind of radiation in the little creatures' food that has turned them into mutants. Then he teaches Pinocchio about mutants. Then they take a dump.
OK. Not really. Actually, a bunch of huge animals start charging out of the woodwork including spiders, scorpions, dinosaurs (?), and whales--WAIT! Whales? Pinocchio suddenly has an epiphany. "This must be where Astro came from!" Really? How long did it take you to forget that one out, Einstein? Anyway, Mars goes apeshit and Pinocchio and his alien-parrot friend fly into space in Nurtle's raggedy-ass UFO just as the Martian city goes up in a mushroom cloud. This happens, apparently, because sand gets into the radiation generator in the underground bunker. OK, whatever, Nurtle.
By this point I was ready end it all, but suddenly Astro appears and promptly swallows the duo. The trip down his esophagus looks like a vagina, but that's beside the point. As Pinnoke and Nurtle float around inside Astro's guts, the Blue Fairy appears to the sobbing puppet, chastising him for disobeying his father once again, but then helping him figure out how to escape: through the Snork nozzle. They fly up and out, damaging the ship only slightly, but in a way that will make the stupid conclusion of the stupid film stupidly possible.
Astro becomes hip to the whole "let's-escape-through-his-blowhole" thing and begins to chase our heroes. Nurtle pleads with Pinocchio to hypnotize the beast, since that was his ticket into space in the first place. Pinocchio of course doesn't realize that the book he bought was a rip-off and the duck he hypnotized was a hunter's decoy. Nothing seems to work, until Nurtle realizes that the ship's damaged tail fin is actually making it spin in a rather hypnotic way rendering Astro harmless, but hurtling too fast toward the Earth. Something must be done to slow the whale down or else Pinocchio will end up with whale jerky and no way to collect his thousands of dollars. Using your standard issue rope--not a space rope, just a rope--Pinocchio wrenches open the spaceship's protective bubble, leaps down onto Astro's back, twists the Snork nozzle just in time to slow the beast down, and dies.
On Earth, Geppetto, Fedora, the family dog, and Nurtle the Space Parrot mourn while a deceased Pinocchio lies in bed, burial bouquet in hand. The Blue Fairy appears and not only resurrects Pinocchio, but turns him back into a flesh and blood boy again.
In the end, the world throws Pinocchio a carnival, Astro's corpse becomes a helium balloon somehow, and Nurtle returns to his home planet to annoy his fellow Twurtles with his constant exclamation of "Ursa Minor!"
What's to like: I actually kind of liked the animation style and the song during the opening credits, "In the Little Toy Shop," was kind of charming. I also like the idea of a giant whale flying through space for some reason.
What's to not like: Whereas the first song made me smile, the remainder of the songs, all of which are sung before Pinocchio heads into the cosmos, made me cringe. For some reason the songs disappear after the first act. Also, there is a big chunk in the center of the movie that is hopelessly boring even though it is often filled with giant, scary-looking bugs...oh, yeah, and dinosaurs. Plus, Nurtle the Twurtle, is no replacement for Jimney Cricket.
The truth: Pinocchio in Outer Space is a pretty lame film. For all its emphasis on the importance of education, the filmmakers seem unaware of the simple and quite well-known fact that a whale is not a fish. You'd think at some point during the final editing process someone would have let them know, like a third grader or something. Also the mechanics behind Pinocchio's existence are confusing. He does not need a helmet while in outer space because apparently, as a puppet, he doesn't need to breathe. Yet it is implied that he needs to sleep and ingest food at regular intervals to live. Oh yeah--and he can die, which he does presumably because he is in outer space too long without a helmet! It's not a good film for children, because it is boring. And, frankly, it's a little weird, but not in a way that makes me want to recommend it to friends or fans of bad films.
Next time: PINOCCHIO'S REVENGE
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