In Praise of...

At the risk of sounding like a woman in her mid to late thirties, I love TLC. It's got all the human drama of a Lifetime Movie Network, but none of the lame; all the hilarity of a Comedy Central, but I know I won't be stuck watching a horrible stand-up special one afternoon if I stop by to check out what's on; and all the reality goodness of a Vh1 without all the washed up, D-level celebs and half-dressed skanks. It's almost a perfect network. During my college years I watched a lot of A Baby Story, usually in marathon form, but as I got older, grew bitter, and learned the world was a harsh, unforgiving shithole, I lost sight of the simple pleasures TLC offered. It was a dark time full of Starting Over and Jerry Springer--I don't really want to talk about it.

I see now that life doesn't have to be dismal--it can be joyful, bright, and full of dwarves, toddlers, and Paige Davis. Thank you TLC!


Little People, Big World: DUI trials, young love, little people conferences, major surgery, countless vacations--the Roloffs have been through it all. And I've watched them every step of the way. Right now they're smack-dab in the middle of pumpkin season (oh, golly gee!) and everything seems to be going wrong. I've learned not to worry though--Matt Roloff will save the day. TLC calls him "the father of the year" in ads, and I couldn't agree more. Don't tell my father, but sometimes, I wish...I mean, have you seen that farm? It makes the swing set my dad put up in the backyard for me and my sister look like a joke. LP, BW is one of only three shows I still watch live, one of the others being...



Jon and Kate Plus 8: Sunday nights the church youth group I was a member of always got together and did something fun. They hit golf balls at the driving range, grabbed some food at Applebees, or participated in any other of a hundred teen-friendly actitivities. Though I was invited, I rarely tagged along. You see, Sunday night was Simpsons night, I couldn't miss it. I'm that way about only two shows now: LOST and Jon and Kate. You can't imagine the anticipation I feel as the next, new episode of Jon and Kate approaches. It is can't miss! Do not EVER call my house on Monday night between 9 and 10. DON'T!



Trading Spaces: Remember when you couldn't miss an episode? Remember how it changed when Paige left? Remember when you used to watch it with your pants around your ankles? I'm sorry--that was probably just me. Trading Spaces was a pretty neat show when it first appeared many years ago, and half the reason it was good was that Paige Davis kept it rolling along at a brisk pace. But then TLC sent her packing and I lost interest. Well, she's back and though I'm not nearly as loyal as I once was, the times I do watch, I've enjoyed it. It's a nice option when nothing else is on.




My First Home: Yesterday the wife and I treated ourselves to a lazy Sunday afternoon. I lounged on the couch reading H.P. Lovecraft and she fell asleep in front of a My First Home marathon. Intially I had no interest, especially after the episode where the hipster, roller derby girl made a poor home buying choice, but then a downtrodden family from Alaska walked onto my screen. Their story of heartbreak and woe, their dream of owning their own property someday, reminded me of how good it felt when we bought our home.


What Not to Wear: My new obsession is, as I like to call it, The Clinton Show. I do like Stacy, don't get me wrong, but it's always been my dream to dress well, and I think Clinton Kelly is about the snazziest dresser on TV, if not on the planet. "I wish I could dress like Clinton," I often sigh during an episode, my wife, without fail, asking, "You mean gay?" If looking classy means dressing gay, then gay me up. They never make-over dudes, but I want to nominate myself, just so I can buy a new, Clinton-esque wardrobe with the $5,000 they give you. Ah, to dream. Read the rest of this article.

My Favorite Movie by Ken Adam of Control Escape

In the past my favorite movies have ranged from Scarface to Goodfellas (not much of a range). But now that I'm a little older, I realize the best movie of all time is "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" created by Paul Reubens and directed by Tim Burton.

Pee-Wee's is a total validation of living an adult life that goes beyond kids and career. When I first saw it I was nine years old and I took Pee-Wee Herman to be just a big kid with the coolest bike in the world. But now I see him as the 30-something that he was - passionate about his friends, his gadgets, and the alternative lifestyle that makes his everyday fun. He is someone that I can honestly say I relate to.

And for anyone who has anything bad to say about Pee-Wee's, "I know you are but what am I, infinity."

Control Escape is currently recording the album Generation of Waste in Freeville, New York. Check out their songs and videos here--you will be extremely glad you did.

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Pinocchio Smack-down: Part 4

Sorry it's taken me so long to post, but I've been pretty busy lately, what with the writer's strike over and LOST being back. Plus, I've been doing a lot of reading (you should try it). I just finished Bound by Honor: A Mafioso's Story by Bill Bonanno. It was a pretty interesting read actually. I've been obsessed with stories about mobsters, outlaw biker gangs, and terrorists lately. My wife says the government is probably tracking my every move judging from my recent library check-outs and the content of my DVR. I also just finished An American Tragedy which is absolutely fantastic. Check it out if you didn't read it in high school, because it is a gem.

OK. I'm through stalling. Let's get this over with.
Title: Pinocchio 964

What the hell???: Pinocchio 964 is, in essence, the story of an outsider trying to find his place in this world. Like a young Michael W. Smith, Pinocchio is "roaming through the night" with "not a lot to lean on." He has no memories, sports an unflattering sprig of Tintin-like hair, and sometimes excretes mustard, so gaining acceptance from the general populace is a bit of a challenge for our hero.

He finds a friend in Himiko, a Japanese hipster who lives in an abandoned factory somewhere in Henry Spencer's old neighborhood. At first she is kind to Pinocchio, who is a lobotomized sex slave and not a whimsical marionette in this story, but as the film progresses so does Himiko's mental instability. She eventual loses her mind completely, puts shackles on poor Pinocchio and drags him around Japan by a chain around his neck.

Meanwhile, Pinocchio's creator is looking for him. The original owner of 964, a bi-sexual, forty-something sex fiend, informs him that Pinocchio couldn't keep up with her sexually, so she threw him out and now wants a Pinocchio who is "always erect." The creator sends his three goofy henchmen into the city to retrieve Pinocchio before he exposes the secret world of the lobotomized sex slave making business to the Japanese public. To be perfectly frank, I don't think that the Japanese public would be that shocked.

What's to like: Lots of wacky Japanese overacting; a completely insane Himiko in a welder's mask running amuck in a hardware store.

What's to not like: Unlike most J Horror movies, which stop making sense at about the halfway point, Pinocchio 964 is bat-shit crazy nonsense from the very start. Not only did I watch this movie in a confused state-eyes wide, mouth agape- my cat was also perplexed. I caught Garbage several times pausing during one of the many feline activities he was participating in to stare at the television screen, most certainly confounded by what he saw. Also, there is only so much oatmeal-puking one man can take. My limit on oatmeal-puking scenes: when a character has puked enough oatmeal-puke to fill one of those plastic, turtle-shaped sandboxes and then rolls around in it, laughing maniacally.

The truth: As I get older, I realize more that it's totally OK to admit that I hate shit like this. It reminded me of a film my friend Gordon made me watch in high school called Tetsuo: The Iron Man. I hated it. I hated it even more that my friend compared it to David Lynch's Eraserhead, a film I love. There are sprinkles of Lynch in Pinocchio 964, but being strange for strangeness sake is never appealing to me. Pinocchio 964 was weird, indulgent, silly, disgusting, and pretentious.

Next time: Pinocchio (starring Sandy Duncan)

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America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10: Week 6

The times, they were annoying.

poor little Mormon girl doesn't know how to be a sexy, soulful R&B diva....

I decided to do a scientific study last night, to pinpoint the exact times that caused my annoyance. I figured I'd share my results:
8:08pm - annoyed by Dominique because she's ugly, tranny, stupid, manly, etc., etc., etc.
8:17pm - annoyed by everyone due to Tyra mail reading (except for Stacy-Ann!)
8:20pm - annoyed by Anya because she spoke for more than 5 seconds and her accent is stupid
8:21pm - annoyed by Tyra because she's Tyra
8:33pm - annoyed by Fatima*
*note - Fatima did not say anything on air until 8:32pm
8:35pm - no longer annoyed...that may be due to the fact that I fell asleep....

Quotes du Soir:
'My milk is starting to dry up.'
'I'm just a little confused with it (alarm clock).'
'pose with pain'
'look at the monkeys dance'
'broken-down doll with marionette legs'
'so this is white music'

ll

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Stop Already:McDonalds vs. Hipsters

The McDonald's Coporation has created a new radio spot titled Confessions of an Ex-Hipster. In it a young man tells us that fancy coffee drinks turned him into a turtleneck-wearing, French-film-adoring, indie-rock-enjoying dirtball. Luckily, McDonald's came to his rescue with a new line of fancy coffee drinks, and now he is able to watch football, wear khaki pants, and give people high fives. Thanks, Mickey Ds! There is a television companion to this ad which features two "hipsters" in a coffee shop discussing McDonalds' new drink selection over, what else, fancy coffee drinks. In the end they throw off the shackles of hipsterdom to embrace a new life. One of them is wearing a scarf, by the way.

These ads, particularly the radio version, irk me. Not because I considered myself a hipster, in fact, the hipsters I used to encounter before moving to the suburbs annoyed me just by existing, but because I'm not sure McDonalds knows what a hipster is exactly. First, let's look at Ronald McDonald's definition of hipster:

hipster: a young man who wears turtlenecks, hangs out in coffee shops, watches French films, listens to indie rock and does not regularly bathe.

Turtlenecks? I think you're confusing hipsters with beatniks. Not bathing? That seems more of a hippy thing to me. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe hipsters are the new beatniks, the new hippies. Maybe they are, like, these scary mutant hybirds of the two. I don't know. Most of the hipsters I've observed or known though care too much about their appearance to not shower and wear turtlenecks exclusively. To help McDonalds out, I checked some other sources for a more accurate definition of hipster. First, I visited the Urban Dictionary and found this defnition from someone called Lexi:

hipster: Someone who thinks that they are being "special" and "unique" for liking some underground bullshit no one else cares about. And they pointlessly look down on people who don't know anything about indie culture, because that's the only thing they know anything about. They're quick to call the rest of the world conformists when in reality, they are the ones conforming by partaking in a "too cool for mainstream so i am going to reject it by looking and acting like a grungy asshole" way of life only to seem uber-fashionable. They just end up looking like idiots.

Obviously, Lexi has an axe to grind, so I went to a more reputable site, Dictionary.com:

hipster: hiphugger underpants for women or girls.

Listen, McDonalds, for better or worse, hipsters exist in our modern society. But why alienate them...I mean, even more than they already alienate themselves? You got that whole Dollar Menu-naire thing going, right? Who do you think those Menu-naires are? Hipsters...at least the one's without trust funds. Hipsters are poor, it's part of who the are, their badge of honor if you will. If you have them thinking it's the McDonald's Corporation's goal to eradicate their species, they will abandon you and take their money to another dollar menu, say one that serves square burgers or something that claims to be a burrito of some kind.

Plus, I like French films, indie rock, football, frilly coffee drinks, and wearing khaki pants. I feel I'm well rounded. High fiving, though, will NEVER be cool. So, McDonalds, lay off the hipsters, quit polluting the airwaves with your hate speech, and just

STOP ALREADY!

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(from imdb.com)
Teenage actor Thomas Sangster is set to take on the role of cult comic hero Tintin in the upcoming movie franchise, according to reports. The 17-year-old Brit, who has starred in hit movies Love Actually and Nanny McPhee, is said to have emerged as the frontrunner to play the intrepid young reporter in a trilogy of films based on the famed comics by Belgian cartoonist Herge, aka Georges Remi. And Sangster sparked further speculation he is to be handed the lead role in the planned film trilogy after flying to Los Angeles to work on test action sequences with renowned moviemaker Steven Spielberg, who is to direct the first installment in the franchise. Although Sangster's agent has refused to comment about his involvement with the project - due to start shooting in the autumn - the representative admits the Brit has traveled to Hollywood for meetings and urges fans to "watch this space." If Sangster does win the leading role, he will join fellow British star Andy Serkis in the film franchise. Serkis has signed on to play Tintin's sidekick Captain Haddock. The trilogy will reportedly be split between Spielberg and Peter Jackson, with the Saving Private Ryan director managing the first film in the franchise, and the Lord Of The Rings moviemaker taking on the second and third.

I'm too excited to sleep! Read the rest of this article.

Dear Dad

Happy 54th Birthday, Louie! You did it!

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Stop Already: Muppet Scarves

Hey, I wear a scarf when it's cold. Hell, I even tried to knit one once. I failed. I regret nothing. But WTF is up with all the hipster doods wearing scarves these days? Yeah, I know they've always worn scarves, but they seem so much bigger now--more prominent--and their purpose is clearly not to keep out the cold or warm the neck. Case in point: the keyboard player for Vampire Weekend on SNL. Giant motherfucking scarf-like thing. Enough. Stop it. Unless your God demands you wear it for some reason or you have pneumonia, stop it.

But I love Vampire Weekend, and the fact is I wouldn't mention scarf boy except that it's indicative of a larger trend. As tasteful scarves have become more mainstream over the last 5 years or so, hipsters have been forced to either choose larger, more prominent scarves or to display them more ostentatiously so they can still be, uh, I don't know, the sensitive guy with the scarf? Case in point: Tift Merritt's band/lifemate Zeke Hutchins.
Now here we see Tift Merritt wearing a scarf sensibly. I'm sure it's a chilly day on the streets of New York City, and you know, whatever, she's wearing a scarf. Zeke, on the other hand is dressed the fuck up. He's got the too-small leather jacket, the beard, and scarf--and it looks like a fine, fine scarf--very nice scarf--tied the fuck up around his neck like a damn poofy necktie. And it is a necktie. It's the kind of necktie you wear to an audition for a job in an indie rock band that lists its influences as Bright Eyes, trust funds, and winter. Actually, I guess it works for alt-country outfits too.

Speaking of Bright Eyes, I came across this fan-fic (I hope) gem while researching bands that wear scarves. Key passage:

Conor [Oberst, of course] shrugged and then looked at me,
"Hey, that song is great by the way, i love fall out boy," he said it so quietly in a kind of moody, dragged out voice.
"Yeah, there pretty screaming!" I smiled.
He looked at me confused,
"Your not from round here are you, ive never heard any body compliment a band like that before, and your voice is wierd."
I raised and eyebrow,
"Erm..thanks.." i returned to gazing out my window. This guy may be hot, but he sure as hell doesnt know how to be nice.
"Im sorry, its wierd in a good way!" he giggled.
Now he had my attention again,
"Well, im from the north of england." I pulled off my hoody and scarf, i left my gloves on, they amused me. Conor eyed up my scarf,
"Cool scarf man, did you make it yourself?" he picked it up and tryed it on.
"Nah, my grandma made it for me quite a few years ago, now its all beaten and stuff it looks cool!" i smiled as he gave me it back.
"You know, you seem pretty cool, you wanna hang at lunch together, i'll show you round,you know, and stuff" Conor blushed a litte. He was about as good as i was with this sorta thing.
"Yeah, that would be cool!" i replied.
Now this was a good start to the year.

I'm pretty sure Conor Oberst doesn't like Fall Out Boy, but I have a feeling he just might "eye up" your scarf if you're not careful.

Oh, and, goofy scarves--

Stop Already!

-jonathan

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America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10:Week 5

This week's entry will be short, sweet, and to the point....we have a trip to golden corral, and i have to gear up for the trip.

This was just another week of me HATING all of the contestants that are featured on the episode.

Top 3 most hated by LL:
3. Whitney
2. Fatima
1. Dominique*

*Dominique insists on talking in the 3rd person. She is the MOST arrogant, MOST annoying, MOST manly THING I've ever seen on TV.

Top 3 underexposed girls:
3. Katarzyna
2. Aimee
1. Stacy Ann (my dark horse!) - I like it better when she doesn't speak as much!

One more note before quotes du soir:
WTF - armpit hair, really???

QDS:
'Marvita's a crazy hood rat.'
'...(Whitney's)....a big brick wall who's like racist towards everyone...'
'they were draggish....this is where I (Dominique) fit in.'
'this ain't no cheap fake stuff'
'look, a bar code'
'squint with eyes open - I'm doing it while I'm talking to you'

ll
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Return of The Arch

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The Funnies???

The Sunday Funnies provide copious amounts of material for jerks like me to rant about and rail against. Perhaps you think it's wasteful to scoff at and complain about the cadre of colorful characters that accompany our newspapers each Sunday. If you are one of those people I should let you know that you're at the wrong Web site.

Our first offender comes from Jonathan:

"Someone needs to slap the sass out of Jeffy. Or maybe he's retarded."

I couldn't agree more--Jeffy does need to get slapped--slapped hard. If you look at his expression it is not the vacant leer of a mentally handicapped child, but the hateful sneer of a petulant brat, a young man whose life has been absent of parental beatdowns thus far and is in dire need of one post haste.

I've always hated Funky Winkerbean. Here's last Sundays hilarious entry into the Winkerbean canon:

Wait, so is Funky an alcoholic? Turns out, he is, a recovering one anyway. Oh, fun. I did some research on Funky Winkerbean and found that at one point it was intended to be funny, to bring joy to the still half-asleep masses hunched over their coffee mugs on Sunday morning. For every teen pregnancy storyline, there was one about a sentient computer who loved Star Trek (no, really!). Now, one week its cancer, another week its adopted kids searching for their birth parents, then there's some shit about land mines, then back to cancer for a titch, then Funky Winkerbean's drinking problems, then someone dies, etc., etc. This might seem a bit extreme, but I think Funky Winkerbean might be worse than For Better or Worse and Sally Forth combined.

Is there a Sunday comic strip you can't stand? Take a shit all over it at Giant Electric Penguin. Send us your thoughts at giantpengy@yahoo.com. Get it off your chest. We understand you.

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Beer Me, I'm Irish

Little people--granted, they're not leprechauns, but they are roughly the same height, therefore a boxing match between two of them would be a fair fight more or less. Little people, for better or worse, are also quite prevalent in society these days, so since it's St. Patrick's Day, Giant Electric Penguin has some holiday viewing suggestions for those of our readers who reside in sober living facilities or are already hungover from an entire weekend of partying and just want to take it easy tonight.

1. Little People, Big World: Mercifully, the tedious three episode Matt Roloff D.U.I. Trial is over, and romance is in the air. Zach has a new love interest and she's...tall! Last week, little-twin Zach attempted to impress his lady-love by beating his little brother in a two-man soccer game. Oooooh--the girls love it when you can beat a toddler at sports. They also like it when you sit on the other side of the room from them while spending "alone time" together.

The new Zach-likes-a-non-dwarf-girl story line is awkward and cute. It has rekindled my interest in a show last season's "Let's watch the Roloffs go on multiple vacations" story arc had diminished.

Let me know if I'm off base here, but wouldn't it be festive to have some TLC promos tonight featuring Matt Roloff in a green velvet jacket, emerald bowler hat, and short pants, dancing around a little pot of gold? Actually, that's terrible and I'm ashamed. I love Matt Roloff. Come on, the dude was an Ewok! As was the star of our next suggestion.

2. Willow: Holy crap, who doesn't like Willow?!? I saw Willow twice in the theaters when it first came out. That shit was off the chain! I closed my eyes both times when the witch turned all those dudes into pigs. I rented it years later as an adult and after a lengthy internal struggle I decided to keep my eyes open during the pig scene. As the credits rolled I wanted nothing more than to travel back in time and kick elementary school Matt's pussy ass!

Willow is kind of like Lord of the Rings-lite, but until the world was given the gift of Peter Jackson's masterpiece, Willow filled in nicely. Val Kilmer before he got fat and weird, Ron Howard before he made not-very-good Oscar winning flicks, and Warwick Davis before he became a rhyme spouting freak in the Leprechaun franchise. Speaking of Leprechaun...

3. Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2, Leprechaun 3, Leprechaun 4: In Space, Leprechaun in the Hood, Leprechaun Back 2 tha Hood: I realize now that this post is both offensive and wrong. Just because leprechauns are little and dwarves are little, I should suggest people watch films and television programs featuring little people in prominent roles? Well, at least these movies involve an actual leprechaun...if only they were good. Sigh. How can a movie about a Leprechaun in space possibly be bad though? I mean, Pinocchio went to space and that was a lot of fun...wait?

I've actually only ever seen the first Leprechaun movie. I hated it, but it scared enough people (Garth Algar, etc.) to justify making 5 sequels, at least in the filmmakers' minds. It's sad to think Warwick Davis went from playing Wicket the Ewok and Willow Ufgood to this, but when you think about it, it's perfectly understandable. I mean, he's a little person. Who is he gonna play? Abe Lincoln? Probably not. He pops up in better things now and again though, but it's St. Patrick's Day, so skip Harry Potter, crack a 40, snuggle down next to your biatch, and take in the splendor that is Leprechaun Back 2 tha Hood.

4. Sodomania: Slop Shots 4: Bridget Powerz (Only the A-Hole 7, Cap'n Mongo's Porno Playhouse), better known to the public as Bridget the Midget, stars in this playful romp full of songs, puppets, and...actually, I've never seen this movie, but I'm pretty damn sure there is nothing playful about it. Slop shots? I don't know what a slop shot is and I'd be fine if I lived my whole life and never found out. One thing is for sure though, Bridget the Midget has shown us that even little people need love. And the occasional anal gangbang.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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In Praise Of...

Not only has Saturday Night Live been consistently funny since the conclusion of the recent writers' strike, but the hosts have been some of my favorite people (Jonah Hill, Amy Adams, etc). Not only that, but the current cast is one of the best casts to ever grace the stage at 30 Rock. Here is just a taste of the current greatness:

And you can check out more at nbc.com, but you know that already. Read the rest of this article.

I admit when I heard that Derek Jeter convinced the Yankees to sign Billy Crystal to a one-day contract for his 60th birthday I rolled my eyes, and when I heard him describe the experience as "the strangest, greatest moment of [his] life," it actually made me kind of mad. How can someone who has accomplished so much in his career through hard work and talent consider a publicity stunt the greatest moment of his life? Part of me wants to think that if given the opportunity, I wouldn't take it--that I'd have to much pride to be used for publicity or, worse, pitied for my age. But when I saw this video of the diminutive Crystal taking his hacks against major league pitching, and not quite embarrassing himself, I knew I'd jump at the chance if I were in his situation. And so would all the sportswriters and fans out there calling this a publicity stunt and a gag and saying he's embarrassing himself. They're just jealous, and as much as I kind of hate the Yankees and being given stuff I don't deserve, so am I. Others may have seen an over-the-hill comedian in the midst of the ultimate mid-life crisis--they may call it a "publicity stunt" that "prostitutes baseball," but, Billy, if just for one shining moment, I think you looked "mahvelous!"

And, uh, just for the record, I think it'd be awesome if they brought out some call girls in spring training. Maybe even give 'em their own league. Can you imagine going out to the ballpark and seeing this? GEP approves of sexy sports.

-jonathan

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The Arch sucked it up...

...but David Hernandez is going home. That'll learn ya to rape a perfectly good Beatles song, Dave!

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America's Next Top Model-Cycle 10: Week 4

so, i shall refer to this episode as the one during which i started the 'I heart stacy ann fan club.' i've decided that she is the funniest of the annoying girls, and she deserves it!

well, this episode proves that this is the WORST group of runway walkers to date. pitiful. lame. pathetic. bad. gross. yucky. ewww. blech.

here is the lovely, ANNOYING fatima, 'forgetting' to put on her little firefighter boots. she also 'forgot' how to button her shirt in the challenge and 'forgot' how to pose in the photo shoot. i was really hoping Tyra would send her home in addition to amis.

speaking of the devil...here is amis SKIPPING down the modified catwalk - give me a freakin' break. she thought it would be fun. she also thought that wearing that stupid headband at elimination would be fun. sigh.

since when did they let drag queens in the competition?

the piece de resistance! i think the firefighters thoroughly enjoyed the runway lesson with ms. j, as well as his mini-burlesque show.

the girls went from bad to worse at the pretend fashion show.

Top 5 bad fashion show moments:

1. hearing Jaslene's voice
2. seeing Jaslene
3. Whitney flashing nipples - bad for Whitney, good for us
4. Lauren's 'I'm weird and misunderstood so I can't walk and pose like a model' walk
5. Fatima. all of her.

as for the photo shoot itself, the tyra team must really be out of ideas. i mean, really - meat??? we all know the girls (and trannies) are whores and like the meat, but does it need to be so blantant and in our face at all times?

Quotes du soir:

'i would've hooked your ass right off the stage.'
'I smell a little dookie.'
in reference to Jaslene - '...a big-old beautiful, doe-eyed, yummy little Latino sandwich'
'Southern not-cultured white trash'
'Jaslene's ...really smart'
'The girl next door becomes girlicious.'

toodles 'til next thursday.
ll

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Why are we just now hearing about this???

I wasn't aware of this meeting until tonight, but here is the video proof:

For more amazing videos visit Fred Spencer(thanks, Jonathan) Read the rest of this article.

I've been meaning to post pictures of the cake my wife made for my 29th birthday. As you can see it was pretty sweet. Notice also that she provided Hannah Montana plates and Miley Cyrus napkins. I truly experienced the best of both worlds this year. I am such a 12 year old girl.

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But what happened next???

I found myself disappointed by the finale of Vh1's CELEBRITY REHAB last week. Sure, three of our favorite "celebrities" decided to move into sober living and take a stab at normalcy and the one's who did not made a commitment to "try better," but then it was just over. Just limo drives away, end credits. What? No follow-ups? C'mon! I want to know what happened after the cameras became but a memory and each "celebrity" was forced back into his or her mediocre daily life. Since Dr. Drew denied us this joy, Giant Electric Penguin has decide to venture a guess as to what happen after CELEBRITY REHAB...

Seth "Shifty" Binzer: Shifty became a drug counselor at an upscale drug rehabilitation center in Los Angeles. He also released an album of "Butterfly" remixes that failed to resurrect his music career. It was reported he felt "bummed" about the whole thing.






Ricco Rodriguez: Ricco punched out a Chic-fil-a employee for getting his order wrong. The assault cost Ricco his much hyped comeback in the world of mixed martial arts, but did secure him a spot on Vh1's CELEBRITY ANGER MANAGEMENT.

Brigette Neilsen: Immediately following the final episode of CELEBRITY REHAB, Ms. Neilsen flew home to Italy to reunite with her husband and eat her young.

Jessica Sierra: Jessica returned to Florida, securing a job as Cinderella at Walt Disney World. She was fired after several children complained that she smelled like "cigarettes and ejaculate." She did compete on Season 15 of American Idol though and made the top 24.
Daniel Baldwin: Daniel Baldwin followed his brother Alec's lead and headed to television becoming the star of Fox's hit new game show WHO WANTS TO PUNCH A DOUCHEBAG IN THE BALLS?

Chyna: Realizing her existence on the Earth was no longer necessary, former wrestler Chyna became a greenish mist and peacefully floated off into the ether.

Jaimee Foxworth: Ms. Foxworth (aka Crave) finally quit pot and porn for good, but only after making the multiple AVN Award winning film FAMILY BLADDERS, in which a well-endowed black gentleman dressed as Steve Urkel urinates on her in several exotic locations. The film featured a cameo from Reginald VelJohnson, marking the first time the two actors had worked together since their popular sitcom.




Mary Carey: Used-up porn skank Mary Carey went on to great success at the sober living facility. She later made a guest appearance on Vh1's CELEBRITY REHAB II, where she judged a Jello eating contest. Her boobs were given their own reality show.

Jeff Conaway: America's sweetheart Jeff Conaway starred in an all wheelchair-bound drug addict version of GREASE at a dinner theater in Fargo, North Dakota. The show closed ten minutes into its first performance.

Conaway's girlfriend snorted coke off a guys balls in the men's room.

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Stop Already: BC

While drinking my coffee and indulging in a chocolate croissant this crisp, wintery morn, I opened my Sunday funny pages and saw this:
I read BC every Sunday morning and every Sunday morning it affects me in the same way: I get irritated, so I become surly, lashing out at my wife or, if he's closer, the cat. Not only is BC not funny, but it cheats with it's premise. As far as I can tell, BC takes place during "caveman times," when that new-fangled invention the wheel was still made of stone and pun-spouting dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Though somehow the characters in BC are familiar with baseball (?) and every Easter (?) Wiley writes a poem about Jesus(?):

Baseball was invented some time in the 18th century and Jesus...well, c'mon, do I have explain that one?

Obviously these are not shocking revelations to anyone who reads the comics in their local newspaper. What is shocking though is that some people put more thought into this bullshit than I do. I think mentioning baseball, Jesus, and current events is just lazy cartooning, but according to Wikipedia, Washington Post comics critic Gene Weingarten theorizes that BC takes place in a post-apocalyptic future in which contemporary figures and issues are remembered and therefore commented upon by the characters. Well, that certainly explains why Wiley's Dictionary is always so horrible inaccurate, I mean, society has given the task of reproducing the dictionary to a surly-looking, one-legged, conservative, Jesus-freak. What it doesn't explain is the reemergence of dinosaurs. Nuclear holocaust was not necessary to bring back the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Actually maybe all the radiation from the atomic bombs dropped all over the place made lizards grow bigger and gave clams and ants the ability to talk. I mean, toxic ooze created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so why not. And how the hell does someone become a comics critic? Do you have to write an article or essay about a comic strip? If so, congratulations to me on becoming America's newest comics critic!

Why not have the cavemen play "rockball?" It could be just like baseball, only rocks and clubs would be the appropriate equipment. Then you could satarize the baseball stories of today using rockball. Or have a female clam and a black clam running for president of the ocean. I don't know! It still wouldn't be funny, but it wouldn't be lazy.


The real point is this: Johnny Hart died, and while I would never celebrate anyone's demise, I didn't find the idea of an end to BC (not to mention The Wizard of Id) a sad proposition. But unfortunately Mr. Hart's daughter, Perri, and grandson, Mason Mastroianni, had to keep this painfully unfunny strip chugging along. BC isn't funny or likable or relevant and I think they need to...


STOP ALREADY!

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The Top 12

Well, you went and did it, America--you shattered the dreams of 16 so the dreams of 12 could be realized. I hope you're happy with yourself. Here they are, your Top 12 American Idol contestants for 2008:

Brooke White: Charming and sweet, though her claim that she has never seen an R-rated movie makes her a tad obnoxious, Brooke has performed pretty well, especially when an acoustic guitar has been involved. She'll probably go pretty far, even though the innocent act is getting old.

Amanda Overmyer: So you thought Amanda was a one-trick pony, eh? Thought she was just a Janis Joplin wannabe, right? Thought, "Man, this motorcycle-riding, DUI-getting, raspy-voiced, two-tone-hair-having nurse was all gravely blues and nothing more? Well, you're right, but apparently that didn't matter to voters because she's in the top 12. Get ready for more of the same!

Jason Castro: Sure, he looks like the love child of John Travolta and John Travolta's character from Battlefield Earth, but Jason Castro can sing. And he continuously melts my heart with his awkwardness. If Paula gets to hang Archuleta's head from her rearview mirror, I get Jason's.

Ramiele Malubay: We call her Asian Delight at our house. America might not be ready for a black or female president, but we're damn sure ready for an Asian reality show winner. I might sing the praises of the Arch here at GEP, but I hope he's battling it out with Ramiele in the final show of the season (and I wouldn't be bummed if she won...)

Michael Johns: OK, so Michael Johns had a record contract and blew it. And yeah, he's clearly not from around these parts. But he's consistently good and his 80's Night Performance was my favorite. I always say that if he wasn't a contestant on American Idol and was just a regular guy trying to make it in the music business in a normal fashion I would think he was pretty cool.

Chikezie: Every time he performs, my eye lids get heavy and I feel myself start to drift away. Dull. Boring. Sorry, but I was hoping Danny would stick around a little longer.

David Cook: Mr. Cook fancies himself a rock star, but he's about as bad ass as, well, Chris Daughtry. Usually I'd describe someone like David Cook as a "total douche," but there's just something so damn likable about him. Plus, List Lady has a soft spot for Lionel Richie and let's admit it, he rocked Hello.






Syesha Mercado: During Hollywood Week, a laryngitis-suffering Syesha blew the judges away with a thrilling performance. Since then she has kind of been lost in the shuffle, but I expect big things out of her as the season continues. Seems at her best when she's ill, so maybe she needs to stand around in the rain or spend a day with a classroom full of preschoolers.

David Hernandez: Great at first, but now kind of sad. His former brilliance is overshadowed now by several lackluster performances. Practice up on those stripper moves, David. You'll need them sooner than you think, I'm afraid.

Kristy Lee Cook: Who the hell is this? No, really? Is she on American Idol? (She's actually my parents' favorite, so I won't go any further out of respect for them. -matt)







Carly Smithson: Another former professional. I like listening to her talk. I've always wanted a British/Irish/Scottish accent, so whenever I hear someone with a genuine one, I get sort of tingly. I think she's a great singer, she's cute, and her husband is a total freak. She won't win, but she's one of my favorites.

The Arch: What can I say about David Archuleta that I haven't said before? He's likable, handsome, a brilliant singer, he enjoys causes, he plays instruments, he's been on Star Search, and his MySpace bulletin posts are full of adorable internet speak. I stand by my prediction that he will reign supreme on American Idol's final night this year.

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