Wednesday, July 30, 2008
(I don't know anything about Torchwood except that it's a Dr. Who spin off and, according to some guy at Blockbuster, only super nerds watch Dr. Who.)
You seem to have died
of some form of the pox
They left you inside
your tiny black box
I heard when you cried
and I answered your knocks
Let's make you a bride
with another two cocks
As a special bonus, check out this Zombie Zombie video for their song "Driving This Road Until Death Sets You Free." It's a retelling of John Carpenter's The Thing using GI Joe figures. And it's awesome. Read the rest of this article.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Teenagers are difficult to deal with/be around/share the planet with. They're obnoxious, sarcastic, and rude. If you need proof, visit your local mall, purchase a soft-pretzel, find a comfortable bench to relax upon, and take in the show. If you don't have the time (or the intestinal fortitude) to waste your life at the mall, just think back to when you were a teen. In fact, take a moment right now. I can wait. Go ahead
Maybe you're a teenager right now. If so, save yourself years of bickering with your parents and realize that you are an asshole. You probably don't mean to be, but you are. All teenagers, to some degree, are insufferable assholes. I know what you're thinkng, Emo Jones--"it's just a stereotype," but I know I speak the truth because I have been there. You can't help it. It's puberty and spontaneous erections and the rap music. It's got you all bug-a-boo.
With the exception of Doogie Howser and that super-powered cheerleader who helped save the world that one time, teenagers are lazy, tech-obsessed mooches who are simultaneously appalled by their parents and dependent on them for spending money. In that respect, Jeremy Duncan, the 15 year old hero of the popular comic strip Zits, is a worthy representative of the species. Look at him, with this laptop, digital camera, electric guitar, and his Starbucks. He is Mr. Teenager 2008. All he needs now is a Blue Tooth jammed in his ear hole. Since 1997, writer Jerry Scott and illustrator Jim Borgman have been entertaining America with Jeremy's exploits and I'm here to say it's gotta stop. In truth, Zits is far from the worst comic strip out there (I'm looking at you, Marmaduke), but it's offenses are still most grievous
First of all, we get it! It's been 11 years of the same hackneyed crapola. Teenagers are lazy. Teenage boys like teenage girls a whole lot. Teenagers would rather have their toes gnawed off by field mice than be seen in public with their parents. Over and over and over and over...STOP IT! How much humor can you keep mining from the same funny pit? Jeremy is tapped out, man--seriously, there is no more comedy gold left in his cartoon bones. Let him die. Or at least let him grow up. Jeremy hasn't learned a damned thing in 11 years and at this rate when he reaches his late 30s he's going to be like Will Ferrell's character in Step Brothers-stupid, whiny, and prone to violence, not to mention painfully unfunny.
Secondly, I just hate stuff like this:
What's the answer though? How do you make a comic strip feel fresh and new? Apparently Borgman has shown interest in tackling weightier issues like drugs and premarital sex, and while that is a terrible idea, at least he's thinking outside the panel. But Scott isn't having it, so I guess we can look forward to another 11 years of Jeremy sleeping in late and being a dick to his parents. Pardon me if I don't LOL.Read the rest of this article.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
The Old 97's may be the quintessential alt-country band. From the boozy desperation of Uncle Tupelo to the nuanced nostalgia of The Jayhawks to the pop aspirations of Ryan Adams, the Old 97's run the gamut of alt-country sensibilities. On top of that, they're just a good, good band, and Fight Songs, their 1999 bid to break it big, is one of the best albums to carry the alt-country tag. So when I was offered the chance to see them for free in Raleigh's Moore Square last night, I took that opportunity. I'm glad I did.
I must admit to having lost track of the Old '97s over the past few years, but what Rhett Miller and company brought to downtown Raleigh last night was just as urgent, rollicking, and raw as I remember them being in the early '00s when I first encountered them. In fact, they reminded me just how much their brand of whiskey-soaked barroom country rock is missing from modern country music. Sure Toby Keith and company wax nostalgic about the small town bar with its small town bar band, but they play big fucking stadiums and suck (mostly). The Old '97s are the real deal, and they're good.
Unfortunately, I wasn't seeing the Old 97's in a smoky bar. I was seeing them in a public park with homeless people, tree-climbing kids, hippies, and literally thousands of beer guzzling 20-somethings wearing novelty t-shirts advertising how much beer they drink. Oh, it wasn't so bad. The night was cool, there was a breeze, and the show was free. The band played songs I already loved and a few that have convinced me to check out their new album. This isn't the nostalgia act that usually plays shows like this. This is a real, relevant band. Props to the folks who put the show on for inviting a band the audience can enjoy before the encore. A good night was had by all.
photo credit: vsmoothe/flickr (from an earlier show) Read the rest of this article.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The early 1990s were a time of much-ish turmoil in our great-ish country. Christians were being attacked from all corners by hateful entities like the ACLU, the United States Constitution, and a little band called Nirvana. Rock music was being assaulted by those great bastions of mediocrity, big-time corporate radio and American Christianity. Amidst this turmoil, the decades old institution of Christian Rock enjoyed a renewed sense of relevance coupled with record-breaking sales figures as conservative Christian parents across this exceptionally adequate nation that I love (really!) sought a new form of entertainment to compete with the raw, primal sound coming out of the Pacific Northwest. The following list presents 5 songs aimed at Christian adolescents released by major (in Christian terms) labels from 1991 to 1995 (actually, they were all released in 1993). Oh, and they're all lame.
1. DeGarmo and Key - "God Good, Devil Bad" (1993)
It's easy to see why youth leaders in the early 90s, who were mostly raised on ZZ Top and corn nuts, would fall in love with this song. It's got everything born again bad asses love to talk about from the old days: seedy motels, tattoos, southern-fried riffs, and…um…interesting haircuts. The song is inexplicably inspired by a man who has "a tattoo on his arm of Jesus and the Devil side by side." Even more inexplicable is the fact that our protagonist decides to confront this man. Retard. After what certainly is a severe and well-deserved beating, all our hero can utter is "God good. Devil bad." Hey, that's the title of the song! There's also some bullshit about Madonna mixing sin and God and the standard complaining about people who wear crosses and use "nasty language." Lame. Also, I'm pretty sure that guy in the target vest is in DC Talk!
2. Carman and DC Talk - "Addicted to Jesus" (1993)
Christian crooner Carman is often credited as being an artist that isn't afraid to "shake things up." I'm sure there was a certain amount of backlash to the whole comparing Jesus to drugs thing, but not nearly enough in my opinion. A2J? WTF? Is this seriously going to keep anyone off drugs? Or draw anyone to Christianity? This video is notable for a guest appearance by DC Talk in various costumes that defined the time period: overalls, ties with shorts, oversized shirts, and baseball caps abound. There's lots of complainin' 'bout various social ills like smoking in the boy's room and havin' heart attacks. Then we get to praise the lord with our feet. Through it all, DC Talk tirelessly encourage us by shouting "kick that groove," "pop goes the devil 'cause the devil goes pop," and "bust the devil (bust him up)." Carmen imitates a whacky doctor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a pirate. In spite of all of this, this video is exceedingly lame. Please watch it.
3. Carman and Petra - "Our Turn Now" (1993)
What? Carman again? Actually, I could fill this list with fucking Carman, but I've chosen to highlight songs that feature other youth group luminaries like DC Talk in "A2J" and Petra in "Our Turn Now." There's nothing more rock and roll than rebellion, and there's nothing kids like better than having something to stand up for. In the '90s, Christian leaders started getting wise to this and started a campaign encouraging kids to "break the rules" and pray in school, despite the fact that there isn't any rule against praying in school. (and if there were, how could it possibly be enforced?) In this video Carman and Christian rock dinosaurs Petra team up to form a holy union of suckiness to helpfully explain how God was kicked out of public schools and show what public schools look like without God. So what's happened to our schools since God was removed in '62? Well, let's see. Based on this video we have, uh, pregnant students, guns, drugs, interracial kissing…oh, and creepy dudes with instruments hanging out in the halls. I think I saw that dude with the Mickey Mouse shirt on Dateline. My favorite moment comes at the 2:34 mark when Carmen and Petra singer John Schlitt looks surprised when the camera catches them dancing with each other.
4. Audio Adrenaline - "Big House" (1993)
I admit that I find this song more than a little appealing. It's simple, catchy, and easy to sing along with, but I think it's the band's personality that drives their success. In this video they seem like a bunch of goofy, amiable kids. In fact, they remind me of the Monkees, and I love the Monkees. Their main draw, however, is exactly what makes them lame. Audio Adrenaline ARE just a bunch of kids who met at a small college and formed a band together, but they also, after signing to ForeFront records, completely gave themselves over to their record company. The result is an exceedingly lame 1992 dance-pop debut album that references Barney Fife and includes a song called "One Step Hyper."
"Big House" is from their 1993 sophomore effort that, if I remember correctly, was marketed as an exercise in artistic freedom. In interviews the band would talk about how important it was that they have control over the sound of this album, and there's even a song called "We're a Band" that answers the criticism that they're a manufactured commodity. I guess Christian record execs started getting wise to the fact that things like writing your own songs, playing your own music, and dressing yourself were important to cool kids in 1993. The album cover features a grunged-out version of Audio A. The album title was Don’t Censor Me. But the songs are still silly and overtly grounded in conservative Christianity, and the music, while certainly more guitar driven, wasn't really anything like…well…anything that was popular at the time. Also, singing about how cool your dad's house is, even if it is your heavenly dad, isn't cool. I suppose this might be a pretty good religious children's song, but for teenagers, it's totally lame.
5. Geoff Moore and the Distance "Evolution…Redefined" (1993)
Another imaginary boogieman the Christian right set up for kids to rebel against instead of their parents was Charles Darwin's completely sane and unbelievably enlightening theory of evolution. In this video we get a batshit crazy douchbag in a tasseled leather jacket encouraging children to make fun of their science teachers. In 1993. What the Hell?
The teacher in the video (probably played by a member of DC Talk) begins the video by foolishly proclaiming that "all life is a continuum. All living things, despite their awesome diversity, are related to each other." Wait. That's not foolish. That's simple science. Simple science that seems to make the cute girl in the class nervous: "You mean I have some of the same genes as a monkey? Grody!" Luckily, smarmy douches Geoff Moore and the Distance live in her textbook. To defend his position, Moore sets up the classic "your uncle was a monkey" straw man and affirms that instead of "accidents of nature," he believes humans are the "work of a kind of loving creator." I guess that evolution doesn't say anything about the presence or absence of a creator is beside the point. Instead, Moore believes in a "redefined" evolution that includes something about a changed heart. I don't see what this has to do with the origin of man, but it's definitely lame.
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Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
"You're not sending me to the cooler." (zing!)
"Ice to see you." (stop...my sides)
"If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast!" (that's not really a pun, but okay)
"Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it's the chilling sound of your doom." (um, please stop)
"Let's kick some ice." (that one doesn't even make sense, sir!)
2. Satan (Constantine, 2005): Peter Stormare plays The Prince of Darkness as a drug-addled, homosexual Marlon Brando with attention deficit disorder. The results are, um, confusing?
Two-Face (Batman Forever, 1995): Let's remember Tommy Lee Jones for his wonderful work in films like The Fugitive and No Country for Old Men, not for this shrill, simpering take on one of Batman's greatest enemies. I did like his sexy sidekicks, Sugar and Spice, but for a quality Two-Face, see The Dark Knight.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Chances are you've already seen Christopher Nolan's latest (I mean, did you see the numbers? Who didn't go see this thing last weekend?) and share my feelings. This film is epic, man! It's hard to figure out where to start, or if to start at all, because you really should see it for yourself. Right now if you can. Really. If you are at work right now, turn off your computer, pull up your pants, get in your car, and drive to your local cinema.
So, remember when Jack Nicholson played the Joker long, long ago? Well, forget that. I'm not saying Jack was no good, because his Joker terrified me as a young boy, but I'm no longer a young boy (though you wouldn't know that looking at the stacks of comic books surrounding our downstairs couch right now) and I need a Joker who entertains as well as makes it difficult for me to sleep without a night-light. My friends, Heath Ledger IS that Joker. Ledger loses himself in the role, a role that for many will be remembered as his crowning achievement. His trademark cackle is appropriately horrific, his love of diabolical schemes is entertainingly psychotic, and his Disappearing Pencil magic trick is not one I'd recommend for a child's birthday party. I've heard a lot of people say he steals the movie, and while I do agree his portrayal of Batman's greatest foe is one for the history books, there are a lot of other people in this film doing great work as well.
Like Christian Bale. I found it hard to take him seriously in Batman Begins at times, only because I was not prepared for his gruff way of speaking. I know, Batman is menacing and his voice needs to be appropriately gravely, but c'mon. It didn't bother me too much in the new film, until the end when he and Two-Face engaged in a Gruff Voice Off in a burned out warehouse.
Oh, yeah, Two-Face! I love Two-Face.
You must see this film. In fact, if you are still reading this, you obviously ignored me before and that kind of hurts me feelings. Now get going!
GEP's Grade: A
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Sunday, July 20, 2008
Title: Hot Shots!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
1. "Whatever you hate in life will torture you for all eternity in Hell."
The Sunday school teacher for 3rd and 4th graders at the church we attended in Troy, Michigan was kind of a creepy lady (in fact, half of these lame lessons come from her weird, twisted little brain). She taught us a lot of strange stuff, stuff that certainly added fuel to my just blossoming obsessive compulsive tendencies. I will never forget this lesson in terror. It was suggested that if we hated spiders, truly one of God's most loathsome creations, fostered this hatred until the day we passed from this Earth, then we would find ourselves in Hell, being forever plagued by a constant barrage of arachnids. By middle school I was starting to figure out that this little tid-bit was probably bullshit and began joking that I hated naked ladies with colossal boobs.
2. The same whack-job that warned us of the repercussions of a lifetime of spider intolerance, also shared with us this bit of wisdom: "You must love Jesus more than you love your parents." She made it sound easy as chocolate chess pie: "Hey, kids, love this guy you've never seen more than the people who drive you to your swimming lessons at the YMCA, give you Christmas presents, and feed, clothe, and shelter you. Love him more than the dad who creates amazingly exciting bedtime stories for you and your sister every night and the mom who pulls splinters out of your fingers and once a week makes that delicious Mexican dip you love for dinner." The moment I heard this, I flatly refused. Jesus was going to get love, don't get me wrong, but not more than my parents. As a third grader I would've been devestated to hear if my parents loved Jesus more than me.
3. "Never allow your thoughts to grow idle--that's when the Devil gets in."
This Sunday school lesson fucked me up big time! I heard this and was completely freaked out. "The Devil's gonna get in my head and make me do things--bad things," I thought. I made sure my mind was running at all times, which led to one of my still thriving quirks: counting. I've gotten slightly better over the years, but back in the day, if I let my thoughts slow down for a second, I thought I was in danger of a visit from Satan himself. So I counted words in my head and by high school, though I'd stopped worrying about the Devil, the counting process would sometimes drive me crazy. I didn't even spend the time fending off idle thoughts with reflections on God or whatever crazy bullshit had been crammed into my brain at Sunday school, which I'm sure is what this teacher (who is a menace to society--my only hope is she has been stopped by now) meant when she gave us her warning.
4. "The love you have for you wife should appear as hate when compared to your love for Jesus Christ." I heard this at a wedding--no joke. A wedding! The preacher was telling two young people bonding their lives in holy matrimony to hate each other. OK, not really, but I mean, what the hell? Jesus wants us to hate? Jesus wants our love for others to look like hate? Maybe he just said it wrong (please, God, I hope he said it wrong), because I'm fairly certain the man who encouraged people to love their enemies, didn't think we'd turn around and hate our spouse, or least make it look like hate. And how does love "appear as hate" exactly? Maybe somebody can clear this one up for me. Lame!
5. One of my all time favorite religious lessons is "masturbation is not wrong, unless lust is involved." That statement makes no sense whatsoever. It's illogical. Lust is half the fun of masturbation--masturbation is the sole result of lust (unless you are sick puppy, then lust can lead to all kinds of creepy, illegal activities). So, let me get this straight, if I want to masturbate, the church is fine with it, as long as I'm thinking about baseball or motorcycles or Queso Crunchwraps? Have you ever tried to masturbate to a Taco Bell commercial? Can't be done. And I use thoughts of baseball to make sexual intercourse last longer. That is how unstimulating I find baseball. And motorcycles? That's kinda gay, right? No options were provided when this statement was made. Just "don't lust" and "go forth and masturbate."
6. Oh, heck-a-roo, I'm having fun. How 'bout one more? This is perhaps the most heinous of the bunch, an example of why I detest some sub-sections of organized religion, despise those who claim to love Jesus Christ and be committed to his vision for a better world. I have never heard this in any of the churches I have ever attended, but an ex-girlfriend of mine had a grandmother who attended a church that believed that Black people were cursed because Noah's son, Ham, once saw Noah's cock and balls. It's called the Curse of Ham, and apparently because Ham saw Noah drunk and naked and told his brothers about it, instead of covering his father up, black people deserve to be vilified and thought of as 'less than.' Is that about right, Racist Southern Baptist Assholes? Dude, if you saw some silly drunk guy all naked and shit, you'd tell your buddies and you'd all have a good laugh, right? I mean, even if it was your dad. I mean, that's a hilarious story. Although, it kind of sucks if your family line is cursed for eternity. Anyway, my ex's grandmother was brain-washed by a retarded story and because it was told by some self-proclaimed emissary of God, she took it as Gospel and ran with it. That shit is dangerous and irresponsible.
You know, my father teaches Sunday school at his church and whenever I visit on the weekends, I attend his class. I've never heard him talk about hate or give his class excuses for racism. I've only heard Sunday school lessons that actually make me feel uplifted and I don't prescribe to any one religion exclusively. I think that's the difference between smart people doing the teaching and just some dumbass who was in the right room at the right time when the pastor needed a teacher position filled. My dad will work on a lesson all week. He has an extensive library and he'll consult the thoughts of several different writers when preparing his notes. Before you stand up in front of a group of impressionable people (especially children!), you need to be educated yourself, need to be sensitive to the needs of your flock. If not, you run the risk of severely screwing people up, even if your intentions are nothing by honorable.
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Coming soon to a rock club near you. Read the rest of this article.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
You know, I still find it hard to wrap my brain around the idea that there is a large group of individuals in this country that would denounce a movie because it contains a pro-Earth message. Really? I mean, what are conservative talk-show hosts and newspaper columnists telling us when they speak out against a movie like Wall-E? Why is it such a bad thing to remind mankind the responsibility we have to take care of the planet we call home?
That's why it's hard to completely despise Prince Nuada (seen above being strangled), the villian in this summer's Hellboy II. He is sick and tired of the human greed he sees in the modern world, the rampant consumption of resources which is threatening the very existence of his kind. While I do not support his decision to awaken an invincible army of mechanoid soldiers to eradicate all of mankind, I do think he should be given a few minutes on, like, Oprah or The Dr. Phil Show, to explain his side of the story. I would not suggest entering the No Spin Zone however--that douchebag never lets anyone else say a damn thing.
I'm sorry. This was supposed to be a review of Hellboy II: The Golden Army, the amazing new film from Guillermo del Toro, director of my favorite film of 2006, Pan's Labyrinth, wasn't it? Hellboy II is a collection of amazing set-pieces, each filled to the brim with odd-looking beasties, each more amazing then the next. Del Toro's brain is a bottomless well of creativity and I get excited every time he puts out a new film (I can't wait for The Hobbit--OMG!).
This summer is clogged with movies about misunderstood superheroes (The Incredible Hulk, Hancock), but Hellboy remains the most interesting. In this film we learn more about his past and his future, which turns out is pretty grim for the human race. I welcome more Hellboy sequels, though I do need a little breather after the final sequence in which Hellboy and Company take on the hulking golden army of the title. That tuckered me out and I just sat on my fat ass the whole time.
I've enjoyed all the comic book films this summer has offered up so far. They've served as tasty appeitizers for the main course coming to theaters this weekend. But for this week, at least, make mine Hellboy.
GEP's grade: B+
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Monday, July 14, 2008
*How can I beat a drug test?
*How long can a man survive on beer alone?
*What do the shape of a woman's boobs tell you about her personality?
OK, so I guess they just MANswer questions that men ask themselves, or rather, the questions Spike believes men ask themselves. And, hell, if you forget the MANswer to your favorite question, there's a DVD: Here are some questions Spike might be MANswering on the next rivetting season of this supremely retarded program:
*Beer Bongs: How many is too many?
*How much should you tip a hooker?
*What is the best date rape drug currently on the market?
*Why do all gay men want to have sex with me?Read the rest of this article.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The Gosselins were speaking at a church with the foreboding name of Highest Praise Tabernacle. I wasn't sure what to expect, but my friends shared some of their thoughts, many of which made me question my decision to attend. It was predicted we would be subjected to a good old fashioned church service as an opener, complete with praise songs, Bible skits, and alter calls. I thought because we had purchased tickets they'd sort of spare us and I was right, for the most part.
We did have to sing...endlessly! Two praise songs ate up almost twenty minutes. The music minister at one point shouted, "C'mon, I want to hear ya," but this was impossible seeing as though his voice overpowered everyone on stage, in the sanctuary, and just about every instrument except the drums. And this guy truly thought he was fronting a rock band--gripping the mic stand with both hands, leaning out over the audience. Also, he wasn't very good.
After the songs, the church's First Lady taught us how to greet visitors: "Now, y'all, there's gonna be a video and then Jon and Kate are gonna come out. When they come out let's just give them a nice round of applause, OK? In fact, I mean, you can clap for the video if you want, but you can also just wait until Jon and Kate come out. You know what? Let's just wait until Jon and Kate come out and then we'll stand and clap and really welcome them."
I leaned over to my mother and whispered, "Does she think we're all retarded?"
After a super-cute montage of family pictures through the ages (and a "preview" of the photos we could purchase after the appearance), Jon and Kate entered to the pre-arranged thunderous applause. I think we did the First Lady proud. God knows if we hadn't, she'd probably would have made Jon and Kate leave and come back after taking a few minutes to repeat her earlier instructions only a little slower.
The church staff was obnoxious, but Jon and Kate were great. They act a lot like they do on TV, Kate doing the bulk of the speaking, with Jon offering a humorous aside now and again. And I knew Kate was attractive, but she is even more attractive in person. In fact, they're both quite attractive, but I guess that is to be expected when large companies and private citizens offer you free tummy tucks and hair transplants. Kate told the whole story of the their lives (most of it old news to super fans, but interesting nonetheless) and then the couple took questions from the audience. Nobody asked anything too terribly thought-provoking and Jon and Kate were pretty tight-lipped about the details of their day-to-day life. Per Jon's request, the final question of the night was asked by a child and guess who the lucky kid turned out to be? That's right, the Pastor and First Lady's daughter, even though the little girl next to Jen was raising her hand as high as it would go and bouncing in her seat.
TLC doesn't allow the unwashed masses to take pictures or video of Jon and Kate, so we were forced to buy photos for $20. But I wanted to meet them, so we waited in line, purchased a family pic (there were also individual pictures of the Eight, complete with original artwork from the corresponding child, but that seemed creepy, so we decided against it) and got Jon and Kate's autographs. They were very nice, very normal people who seemed bewildered that anyone would want to buy a picture of their family and then have them sign it. Kate emphasized many times that they are just normal people, not celebrities, who want to use their show as a) a way to keep a record of their family, not having enough time to take personal videos and b) to speak at churches around the country about their faith in God, a part of their lives that often ends up on the cutting room floor.
Oh, also, when Kate signed my picture, she asked for our names and I said, "Matt and Jen," and she actually wrote "Matten" before realizing she'd messed up. And Jen says Jon flashed her the Asian Recognition Smile, probably surprised that he was encountering one in such a desolate, one-horse town. No offense, Goldsboro area.
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Saturday, July 12, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Well, it's all over, gang. We can finally breath a collective sigh of relief and go back to our lives before this Hell's Kitchen season washed over us, soaking us in the brine of triumph, failure, and Crazy Matt's sweat. Gordon Ramsay has picked a winner and who is it? We'll reveal the answer after the following annoyances.
It has been a pretty eh season--not great, but not at all bad. I, for one, am quite excited about the return of Kitchen Nightmares and by next summer I'm sure I'll be chomping at the bit for another extended stay at Ramsays (fake) restaurant. But for now, I'm glad it's over. I can get back to writing that Great American Novel I've been working on for four years now. I can spend some quality time with my cat (I can tell he's feeling neglected--he just doesn't bite me with the same fiery passion anymore). I can take up scrapbooking. I can have a conversation with the wife about our feelings and whatnot. I can get back to filling my life with crappy movie Smack-Downs. I can finally have some me time.
See you next summer, Hell's Kitchen. Until then, fuck off, you doughnut!
Oh, Christina won.Read the rest of this article.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Had it been me receiving this particular call, things would have ended mighty differently:
Queso Crunchwrap (smarmily): Bro, what's goin' on?
M: Who is this, please?
QCW: It's me, the new Queso Crunchwrap from Taco Bell! Can I come over?
M: Wait, who is this exactly?
QCW: I'm spicy and delicious. I'm from Taco Bell. You can eat me.
M: Eat you? I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong number.
QCW: C'mon, bro, just repeat after me: Queso's coming over and Queso wants to party.
M (frenzied): I don't understand! Why is this happening?!
QCW: You can do better than that! C'mon! Queso's coming over and Queso wants to party!
M: Please, just leave me alone! I don't understand who I'm talking to. This is a...crunchwrap?
QCW: The new Taco Bell Queso Crunchwrap!
M: You are an abomination! You shouldn't be! Truly this is the end of all things! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGHHHHH!
Also, get ready opera fans--An Inconvenient Truth: The Opera is on the way!
I'm still waiting for the opera version of Brokeback Mountain to debut, and they drop this on me?! I thought the whole movie-to-Broadway-musical thing was obnoxious, now they're turning some into operas? I understand a Wedding Singer musical, but an An Incovenient Truth opera? Just go crazy, Opera Makers, and turn some of these enduring classics into hacky, novelty operas: Troll 2, Capturing the Friedmans, Hope Floats, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Two and a Half Men--the list for shitty opera-adaptations is endless!Read the rest of this article.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Actually, Hell's Kitchen has finally found its stride, albeit in the last three or four episodes, but lately I've started remembering why I fell in love with this show in the first place. I've been absent the last two weeks and for that I'd like to apologize to my wife, who I'm fairly certain is the only person who actually reads my Hell's Kitchen posts. Sorry, honey. We're both more into The Next Food Network Star now anyway (did you see that weird-looking chick slip in the kitchen and spill sauce all over herself? Awesome!).
But here we are, the penultimate episode of season four and who are the finalists: Christina and Charlotte's own Petrozza. I'm pleased by this pairing. After all I predicted it three weeks ago (not online, but at work--ask the ladies in my office). On last night's episode, the final chefs planned their menus, picked out wallpaper, and flew to New York City on a private jet to prepare their signature dishes for the executive chefs of all of Gordon Ramsay's (real) restaurants around the world. Thankfully, Petrozza chose not to prepare his world-famous Hen in a Pumpkin.
And who was on hand to congratulate the final two chefs on making it this far in reality TV's most spirit-crushing, dream-shattering, self-confidence-smothering game show? None other than Whoopi Goldberg herself! Wait. Whoopie Goldberg? Why the hell was Whoopi Goldberg there? She literally said nothing! Petrozza seemed pretty awed by her though, so, I don't know, maybe it was fun for him.
Finally, the chefs chose their teams, picking from the rejects of this season. The episode ended on a cliffhanger: who will get stuck with the equally talent/bitchy Jen and who will find themselves cursed with Matty's inability to complete the simplest of tasks? We shall see. Now let's wrap this up, you doughnuts!Read the rest of this article.