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Friday, August 29, 2008

41 minutes and 40 seconds in Hell (with Pauly Shore)

Several years ago in a horrifying fit of fancy I purchased Pauly Shore's 1991 comedy album The Future of America. I thought I was buying it for, like, you know, shits and stuff, but even the too-depressed-to-care record store girl behind the counter saw right through me. Her withering stare as she rung me up spoke volumes: "I know you think you're buying this for, like, you know, shits and stuff, but this is a bad, bad idea. And you're stupid. And shave that weird shit off your face." She knew what I should have known. She knew I could never bring myself to listen to the whole thing nor would I ever be able to get rid of it, thinking I would one day want to listen to it, you know, for shits and stuff. Actually, she probably just had gas. She was probably cute though. Maybe it was a guy. Yeah, I remember now. It was that weird guy. You know the one. Yeah. That one. Good times.

Anyway, I've been ordered to get rid of the accursed disk. I'll probably burn it (with fire), but before I do, I just HAVE to listen to it. Do I hate myself? Find out below as I guide us through my "41 minutes and 40 seconds in Hell (with Pauly Shore)."

Track 1 "Pauly & Mom"
Pauly's mom pretends to care about him. She's worried he'll get AIDS when he's out on the road. He says he'll wear a rubber. She knows better. Her son's a bad person. The end.

Track 2 "Doggie Door"
Pauly's in front of a bunch of college kids circa 1990. He talks about having a woodie. A lot. He calls women's breasts "cones." He says things like fah-reak, fuck-er and grind-aaage. The crowd knows exactly when to say Weasel. He's disrespectful towards his elders. He must have been very popular.

Track 3 "The Future of America"
The title track. Pauly explains what the world will be like in the future when people like him are in charge. "Instead of stop signs there'll be signs that say 'chill.'" He introduces the idea of a major rock concert to end nuclear war called Doobies Across the Universe. See, the joke is everybody gets together and smokes pot. Stoney.

Track 4 "Hollywood"
Pauly grew up in Hollywood! But he misses not having had a normal family. He hugs a man in the audience he thinks looks like what his normal dad might have looked like. He then enjoins him to, "check out the wood you created." Pauly, you're so edgy.

Track 5 "Bank"
Pauly mixes up the words escrow and escargot.

Track 6 "America's Most Wanted"
We're introduced to the concept of "dual sponging," which consists of sitting on the couch watching TV with your "bud" wearing helmets. The name makes it sounds gayer than it is. Pauly asks the audience if they've ever heard of America's Most Wanted. "It's a cool show to watch, but it's not a cool show to be on." How trenchant.

Track 7 "Valley Girls"
Pauly makes fun of valley girls. He claims to have dated a valley girl. She dumped him. "Probably 'cause I boned all her friends." He compares her friends to doughnuts and talks about glazing them. Gross.

Track 8 "College"
Pauly didn't graduate from college, but his audience is in college. They both drink a lot.

An audience member asks, "did you do Madonna?"

He didn't. It's odd to think that this might have at one time been a reasonable question to ask.

Track 9 "Aerobics"
Pauly talks about working out. He starts referring to himself as "the wheeze." There aren't really any jokes in this one.

Track 10 "Concerts"
Track opens with, "So what about Guns and Roses?"

Track 11 "Lisa"
Pauly likes girls at rock concerts who hike their miniskirts right up to "the beav." "Check out the wood you cre-ate-ed." He describes a scene at the "Motley" show where he yelled "Lisa" to a pack of sleazy girls. A retarded girl turned around and said "How did you know my name?" He calls sleazy retarded girls "Lisa." I think he has sex with them.

Track 12 "Love Connection"
The wheeze muses about what would happen if he were on Love Connection. He bribes Chuck Woolery with a "fatty." Chuck rewards him by hooking him up with a retarded runaway named Lisa.

Track 13 "Rubbers"
Weasel condoms: the rubber shaft with no top. I guess that was funnier when people were real scared of AIDS and stuff. When he imitates the girls he's having sex with, he sounds like he's imitating retarded people. I thought it was just Lisas, but it's all of them. Pauly thinks it would be cool if a little man lived in his wall by his nightstand and put his rubbers on him whenever he needed them. Gross. Oh, and condoms break sometimes. Funny.

Track 14 "Europe"
Pauly calls himself "Crocodile Dun-Dude" to emphasize how out of place he feels in New York.

Ha! French girls have hairy armpits! It's true!

Pauly's French accent suggests that he’s never been to France, met a French person, heard a French accent, had a cup of coffee.

Track 15 "Flying"
Pauly sat beside "Nicholson" on a flight. They have a conversation about hair.

Track 16 "Dude Airways"
Dude Airways would have beanbags instead of seats. Those crazy stoners. The crowd knows that all the stewardess's names would be Lisa. This concludes the concert portion.

Track 17 "Lisa, Lisa (The One I Adore)"
This is a song. Pauly is a really bad singer. Really bad. This should not have happened.

You should watch it though.

Or just watch this:

Track 18 "Mom"
Mitzy shore thinks Pauly is "a doll," and "the best." She reminds us that Rosanne Barr copied her voice. This album sucks. Read the rest of this article.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

What the WTF?

1. I heard a radio ad for the upcoming film College today.  The advertisement ends with the following proclamation, announced with a gusto as to denote pure, unadulterated greatness: "Directed by Deb Hagan!"


It's Red Dragon all over again.  Remember way back in 2002 when every Red Dragon commercial included the important reminder that it was a Brett Ratner film?  "From the director of Money Talks and Rush Hour 2 comes Red Dragon!  Be there, assholes!"  

I have a real problem with these little "directed by" announcements, but only when it's a director without a distinct artistic vision or years of moviemaking experience under his/her belt.  It turns out I actually enjoyed Red Dragon, but any hack could've directed it.  Ratner had a good cast and great source material...that's it. Now we've got College.  Have you seen the trailer for this thing?  It looks abysmal.  If I were Deb Hagan I'd get as far away as possible from this guaranteed box office failure.  Book a trip to the Red Planet if possible, Ms. Hagan, because I promise this ain't gonna be pretty.

Oh, Deb Hagan directed something called Pee Shy (not this Pee Shy), which took the Audience Prize at the Woods Hole Film Festival in 2005.  According to IMDB member actorsmom Pee Shy is an "awesome film!!!" so I guess it must be.  [insert comical fart noise]

2. Have  you ever watched an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen and thought, "God, I wish that girl would die?"  Don't feel bad.  We all have.

Well, Mtv isn't killing these bitches (yet), but they are sending them to third world countries in an attempt to teach them lessons or something.  I think put it best:

"These coddled kids will find out that their Louis Vuitton luggage won't win them any respect in their new homes. Tired of their behavior, their parents have signed on to send these pampered princesses and princes halfway around the world to live life in someone else's shoes ... and they ain't Manolo Blahniks, baby!"

They're not even Salvation Army Keds, baby!  Most of these people don't even wear shoes! Some of them don't even know what the fuck shoes are!  Holy shit!  Tell me more, Mtv!

"Will any of these daddy's girls and mama's boys be able to handle being Exiled to remote locations, harsh conditions and life without a Sidekick? Will these smackdowns of super sweet proportions send them over the edge? Or will they summon some untapped inner-strength to not only meet the challenges ahead of them, but learn lessons that could change the path their lives may take in the future?"

Will they be able to handle their experiences?  Probably.  Will these trust fund bitches go "over the edge?" Mtv better hope so, because otherwise, who gives a shit?  Will they change their lives based on the lessons they seem to learn through the magic of editing? Of course not!  I think future cum-dumpster Amanda said it best when summing up her experience in Kenya: "They're obsessed with poop over there."  
Read the rest of this article.

A GEP Look at Commemorative Plates

As much grief as we give Skymall, at least they don't sell commemorative plates. I have a hard time accepting commeorative plates. What are they for? Nobody eats off of them and if you wanted to you could only fit a few cheese slices and a couple Ritz crackers on one. Perhaps some vegetable dip, but where would you put the vegetables? The plates already full of cheese and Ritz crackers. You're all out of room! And what are you commemorating? NASCAR, British Royalty, and the boring tourist traps you've visited? Are these things worth commemorating? I will admit, as of this writing, I do have plates hanging on one wall of my kitchen, but they are not commemorative. They are full-sized plates and they totally have scenes from Alice in Wonderland on them.

A classic commemorative plate. Nothing says "I Heart Star Trek" better than a Mr. Spock commemorative plate. Nothing says "I'm a 45 Year Old Virgin" better either. I guess when you've got every other piece of shit memorabilia for the thing you love, you gotta have the commemorative plate as well. Incidentally, I can't do that "live long and prosper" hand thing, but virtually everyone else I've ever known can. Is there something medically wrong with me?

My point proven. You've got all the the Aquaman comic books, action figures (remember the one where you could squeeze his arms and his legs would kick? I had that one.), lunchboxes, and Band-Aids--now buy the plate. Lame things on lame plates are lame.
For those of you who cannot read the above joke because it is too small (or you never learned to read), the title of the piece is "12 Step Groupers" and the poorly-drawn fish at the podium is saying to the crowd of equally poorly-drawn fish, "Before I knew it, I was drinking like a fish." Who is this for? Certainly not your uncle who has just started AA. What is the message you are trying to send to Uncle Alky by giving him this wit-free decorative plate adornment? "Hey, Unk, I know you're an alcoholic and you need help, but check out this stupid plate. It's like totally making fun of drunken losers like you. Enjoy the plate, numbnuts!" A plate like this is downright insensitive. It also looks really shitty. It's like a badly drawn comic strip was glued to an elf's dinner plate.
This is Plate 3 in a series entitled "Portraits of Christ." So, that's supposed to be Jesus, eh? Looks more like a mystical wizard or some dork dressed as a mystical wizard for a long night of D&D shenanigans. He also kind of looks like an angry pimp who has just beaten his ho to death and is holding his bloodied hands out before him, looking to the heavens for forgiveness or just thinking "you saw, man, the bitch made me do it." Yeah. He looks like one of those guys, not Jesus. Read the rest of this article.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

2008 Democratic National Convention 2008: The wackiness begins!

At the conclusion of the Olympic games I found myself without an outlet for my patriotism. Seemingly my only options were to either create macaroni flag pictures for my bedroom walls or join the Army, and I don't know if you've heard, but there's a war on! Luckily, the good old Democratic Party decided to throw a big party in Denver this week. Hooray for America! Who's ready for some fun, huh?
A hat is a great way to show fellow convention-goers and avid C-Span viewers what you believe. Here a woman in a stars-n-stripes print cowboy hat wants you to know that she sees Obama in America's future and she couldn't be happier (unless I'm misreading her facial expression--she's either overcome with orgasmic patriotism or preparing to chew the face off of the hapless cameraman snapping the shot). It's a worthy effort, but I'm not impressed.
Now there's a message I can get behind. I don't know what this young woman is trying to say exactly, but her hat is ten times wackier than Ms. Obama Hat's hat. The wackier the hat, the more you care about your issue, therefore, the more I care. It's scientific, people! Read a book.
Here's another example of Big Wacky being better (i.e., funnier) than Small, or Kinda, Wacky. Some hippies really went all out with this expression of protest. Now even God Himself can see their message and join the rest of us in ignoring it. If the Democratic National Convention is, in fact, destroying unborn children though, they need to knock it off. Unless it's for a good cause.
Food has gotten wackier too, albeit, in name only. This just goes to show you that some of America's brightest creative minds can be found in the sidewalk wiener distribution industry.
And here's a convetion-goer enjoying a thick, sloppy...HOLY SHIT! What the hell is that on her shoulder? Chucky in an Uncle Sam costume? A wiley leprechaun sent by Ireland to steal our secret plans? A primordial dwarf on assignment for the Maury Povich Show?
John Legend and the Democratic National Choir were okay, but I preferred the musical stylings of these two brothers who brought the crowd to its feet following a lovely medley of patriotic tunes. (This, unfortunately, never happened)
Corn Hat! A classic move from Iowa.
My personal favorite conventioneer thus far, but hey, who knows how many more whack-jobs, weirdos, and Kennedys will show up--the DNC is just getting started! Read the rest of this article.

Monday, August 25, 2008

From the Pages of Skymall-Awesome Apparel Edition

The Dog Whisperer calms ill-tempered dogs, so what does the Fish Whisperer do? Cure badly behaved fish? The only bad thing my goldfish ever did was die three days after I won them at the fair. Can you bring a fish back to life, Fish Whisperer? I didn't think so! WAHHHHH!

Nothing says "I don't care if I ever get laid" more than this Grimace-colored DOGS FOR PEACE sweatshirt. Show everyone down at the public library or the Marshalls two-day sales event that you're an unsexy schlub and proud of it.

1. Careful, or you'll end up in my novel...the novel I've been writing for five years and will never finish. I will die alone in my cubicle, unpublished and unrecognized.

2. Good morning, world! I'm pretentious and douchey!

3. The irony of this shirt is that an actual published author would NEVER wear it.

There's nothing I hate more than adults in footie-pajamas ('cept maybe Hitler). Maybe I'm missing something. A hot girl in footies has no extra special appeal to me and a guy--holy crap--a man in footie-pajamas looks like an escapee from a mental hospital. There is no reason to wear footie-pajamas after the age of six. I do not support this infantilization of America's adult population. Not at all.
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Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Daily Comic Strip Olympics

You just can't escape the 2008 Summer Olympics.  You can try, but you will fail.  Even our favorite comic strip characters are getting into the act, albeit in the dumbest ways possible. Since Michael Phelps has won enough medals already (I think he's up to 25 now), we here at GEP thought we'd hand out some medals to our "favorite" funnies.

And the bronze medal goes to...BLONDIE

Dagwood and his equally hideous, thin-haired son have got a severe case of Olympic fever, apparently so bad it has started affecting their judgement and common sense:
I didn't hear about this.  Why didn't I hear about this?

Dagwood loves food!  Oh, Dagwood, you slightly racist glutton you.

And the silver medal goes to...THE FAMILY CIRCUS
Actually, Billy, fortune cookies originated in Japan, so if you handed a Chinese person a fortune cookie at the end of a meal (or, I assume, while they are standing on a podium at the Olympics) they wouldn't know what the hell to do with it.  So, Billy, in this case, you are a complete idiot.

And the gold medal goes to...SALLY FORTH

Congrats, guy who writes Sally Forth, you made an observation in your August 19, 2008 comic strip that I was already sick of hearing about on the news six months before the Olympics even began!  You truly are a humanitarian, sir.  You're indictment of the Chinese government is both lazy and several decades too late.

Read the rest of this article.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Miley Cyrus in 3-D?

It's Wednesday night, the wife is in New Jersey visiting her folks, I'm full of steak tacos--I guess it's time to finally watch the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Tour movie in glorious 3-D. I picked up my official Hannah Montana 3-D glasses from Wal-mart a couple of weeks ago, so I'm ready. Let's do this!
8:00- This movie has been edited for content? I'm guessing the Disney Channel has cut out the infamous scene in which Miley and Billy Ray forget to buckle their safety belts. Whew! Thanks, Disney Channel. The last thing this country needs right now is an epidemic of tweenage girls refusing to wear their seat-belts.

8:05- Um, the 3-D isn't working. Am I doing something wrong? Is it my television's fault? These opening credits are chock full of 3-D goodies that I'm not getting to experience.

8:17- I've tried wearing the 3-D glasses in a few different ways--over my regular glasses, under my regular glasses, without my regular glasses. I also tried sitting further away and for a second I pressed my nose to the TV screen. Nothing's popping out of my television. Everything is kind of blurry. I've got a headache. Maybe I'll see how the 3-D glasses work on the floor next to my feet. This is going to be Hondo all over again.

8:23- A montage of pre-pubescent girls screaming. The horror.
8:33- I caught myself tapping my toes to the Hannah Montana/Jonas Brothers team-up, "We Got the Party With Us." I'm slightly embarrassed because I caught my cat watching me.

8:37- "This song is for all the ladies in the house," says Joe Jonas before the Bros launch into "When You Look Me in the Eyes." All the ladies? Do you mean all the 11 year olds, Joe? (Damn, the Jonas Boys are whiny. Is it too late to join that Anti-Jonas Facebook group?)

8:47- Finally, Hannah's gone and Miley is performing "Start All Over." Sorry, hipsters and music snobs, I like this song.

8:50- Cat finally leaves the room in disgust.
8:59- Hmmmmm, a Latin-tinged song. Yawn. I fast forward to the next number, a song written by Miley for her dead Pappy. It's cute. I'll give it a chance.

9:02- I get it now. Hannah Montana sings songs about "rocking out," "pumping up parties," and believing in yourself, while Miley sings about boys, break ups, and "GNOs." (Girls Night Out, duh!)

9:09- She's ending the show with "Best of Both Worlds?" Really? That's kind of lame. The finale feels like something you'd begrudgingly watch at an amusement park.

9:30- The whine of the Jonas Brothers still rings in my ears. What have I done?
Read the rest of this article.

Friday, August 15, 2008

From the Pages of Skymall-Summer Fun Edition

Summer is coming to a close, but that doesn't mean you can't start ordering stuff from Skymall in preparation for next year. Woo-hoo!

Wondering if you have a gambling problem? If you got yourself a Floating Blackjack Table odds are good you might need to join a support group. Harmless pool-time fun or symptom of a crippling disease?
When you've just got to let your backyard barbecue guests know you've cooked a steak worthy of Jeff Gordon-The NASCAR BBQ Iron; or, do you have $100 you'd like to waste on a something ridiculous-The NASCAR BBQ Iron.
Cleaning the pool is NEVER fun, that's why most people with backyard pools purchase self-propelled pool-cleaning robots to handle the job. But what if a product came along that gives the ILLUSION that pool cleaning is a rocking good time? And let's say you totally hate your kid, blame him or her for everything bad in your life. Say hello to the Remote Control Pool Skimmer. It kind of looks like a super-rad speedboat, but it's just a pool skimmer and it probably moves very, very slowly. But check out the above picture: Mom and Dad are relaxing, having a chat about their feelings, and there's poor Junior, cleaning the pool with a remote control skimmer. Screw you, Junior! That'll teach you to be conceived accidentally.
Like surfing and drowning rolled into one! says the Subskate offers "hours of (literally) good clean fun," but, seriously, what the hell does that even mean? That young man's face says, "Oh, God, pull me up--I'm drowning!" or, at the least, "Oh, God, this is boring--I wish I was for real surfing." Summer fun! Read the rest of this article.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

'08 Summer Movie Report: Pineapple Express

Stoner comedies and buddy (be they cops or otherwise) action comedies are generally my two least favorite film genres, but when you squish them together, add a heavy dose of Apatow, and get a well-respected indie filmmaker to direct, you get one of the best comedies, hell, movies, of this summer.

Pineapple Express is everything you love about a Judd Apatow production (hilarious conversations about nothing, copious amounts of humorous swearing, Seth Rogen) with some gun fights and casual murder thrown in for flavor. James Franco reminds us why we loved him so much before Freaks and Geeks was ripped from our loving embrace and he starting popping up in tripe like Flyboys and Annapolis. Saul the drug dealer is one of the kindest, sweetest characters I've encountered at the movies in a long time. I just wanted to wrap him up in my jacket, sing him a lullaby, and rock him to sleep. Seth Rogen is also good (as usual) as Dale Denton, a pothead process server who dreams of being on the radio and is mistaken for an operative of the Chinese Mafia by a murderous, knife-wielding drug kingpin (Gary Cole) and his crooked lady-cop henchman (Rosie Perez). Hot Rod's Danny McBride is great as Saul's middleman, Red, whose positive attitude remains intact even after he's been shot in the stomach multiple times, and Craig Robinson (Daryl on The Office) is hilarious as one of Ted Jones' goons.

But my favorite performance, hands down, is given by Ed Begley Jr., who plays Dale's 18 year old girlfriend's father. He has one short scene at the dinner table and it is the funniest 3o seconds I've witnessed all year. You know, I'm actually on kind of an Ed Begley Jr. high right now. Did you see him on the latest episode of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job? Perfection.

Like Superbad before it, Pineapple Express is really a story about male friendship. I defy you to find a more heart-wrenching scene of male bonding then Saul and Dale's admission of love for each other while hiding from hitmen in a tree. Sure, they're super-wasted, but it's still a beautiful moment. Just try to resist Franco's gentle gaze. You can't do it!

So, I guess I'm a fan of the stoner-buddy action comedy genre, but I'm fairly certain no one will ever do it better than Pineapple Express, so this may be the only chance I ever get to say that.

GEP's Grade: A
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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Wednesday Morning Music: Great Lake Swimmers-"Your Rocky Spine"

My current very favorite song. Kind of like Jon Mayer's "Your Body is a Wonderland," only not terrible. Read the rest of this article.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

What the WTF?!: Olympics Scandal Edition

Look at this little angel. Isn’t she precious? Her name is Lin Miaoke. You may remember her from the opening ceremonies at this year’s Olympic games in Bejing. She was the adorable little sweetheart singing China’s national anthem, ‘Ode to the Motherland.’ Only, guess what? It wasn’t really her. Nope, Lin may have been the face of China, but chipmunk-cheeked, snaggle-toothed uggo, Yang Peiyi, was the voice.

And now people are all pissed off at China for being image-obsessed. You know what, people? There are a lot of other things to be pissed off at the Chinese about than a lip-synching scam. What about all those human rights violations everyone seems to be talking about these days? Or the fact that the Chinese government shooed all the migrant workers out of town before the games started, so foreign visitors wouldn’t have to share the streets with a bunch of pathetic poor people. And last night, the pepper steak at Grand Asia Buffet, while perfectly tasty, was stone-cold. Oh, and Tibet.
Come on, USA, our culture is built firmly on a Botoxed foundation of image-obsession, so let’s not take our Sharpies to our homemade China protest signs just yet. Milli Vanilli did the same thing and we forgave them. Well, I have!

When children are involved, though, it seems a whole lot more sinister. I mean, imagine this happening in the United States. Next thing you know the pudgy kid with the tore-up grill has got an eating disorder and her parents are suing America for bruising their precious daughter’s self-esteem.

What the event organizers did was weird, but I guess I can’t say it was wrong. China wanted to put their best foot forward, but they ended up kind of looking like jerks. Oh, but did you see those light-up drums? That shit was outrageous!
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Monday, August 11, 2008

From the Editor's Desk

I rarely fall victim to these types of things, but today I came across a TBT, or "typical blog thingie," that piqued my interest. Here's what you do: put your iPod on shuffle and create the soundtrack to your life, using the cues listed following this initial introduction to the concept. The whole thing is random, so the right songs don't always synch up with the right moments, but I guess that's the fun of it or something. Anyway, I was just telling the wife this weekend that I would put my iPod playlist up against anybody's playlist and this opportunity presented itself, so let's take the journey that is life, shall we?

(Quick note before you go on: I swear I listen to more than 3 artists, OK?)


Opening Credits: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Part 1-The Flaming Lips (I think this got off to a good start--that's an opening creditsy type of song. Plus, it's about two of my favorite things: robots and Asian girls.)

Waking Up: Now, Now-St. Vincent

First Day of School: Doomsday Clock-The Smashing Pumpkins (Kind of a scary song to accompany one on his or her first day.)

Falling in Love: Fall on Me-REM

Fight Song: I've Got a Fang-They Might be Giants (Hmmmmm--a fight about a hickey, perhaps?)

Breaking Up: Today Has Been a Fucked Up Day-Beck (OK, this is one of those happy accidents that make doing something like this totally worth it.)

Getting Back Together: Nefi & Girly-Asobi Seksu (There is a certain happy bouncy-ness to this song that makes me think about two people coming back together after a misunderstanding. It's a nice little song.)

Wedding: Reader Meet Author-Morrissey (This reminds me of when you come up with a word for Mad Libs that you think can't be beat, like "booger" or "penis shaft," and then you hear it in the final mix and it just doesn't fit, and so it isn't remotely funny. Don't get me wrong, I love this song, but it's not going to get the crowd dancing at your wedding reception)

Birth of a Child: Driver 8-REM (OK?)

Final Battle: Cyanide Breath Mint-Beck (This is one laid-back battle sequence.)

Death Scene: Jealousy-Liz Phair

Funeral Song: Set the Ray to Jerry-The Smashing Pumpkins (For awhile in my early 20s, every mix tape I made for a friend, loved one, or secret crush had this song on it. It's somber and mesmerizing--totally appropriate for a make-out session or a funeral. Still a favorite of mine)

End Credits: Love Me or Hate Me-Lady Sovereign (No better way to wrap up your life than a big "F-you" to the world)

Hell, you wasted time reading it, why not try this at home and let us know what happens. Leave us a comment or write to us at
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Sunday, August 10, 2008

Stop Already: You're off the hook this time, teenagers

Last week I received a request to join an Anti-Jonas Brothers Facebook group from one of my Facebook associates.  I quietly decline membership simply because I don't have anything personal against the Jonas Brothers.  I mean, I know who they are kind of, but I've never heard any of their songs.  They don't seem like bad guys, in fact, if anything, they seem a little too clean-cut and cutesy for their own good.  I saw an interview with them recently and they were polite and friendly.  As an almost 30 year old male, the Jonas Brothers do not factor into my daily life in any way, so to join an internet hate group is a waste of my time and energy.  

Now to be fair the Facebook friend is the teenage son of one of my father's friends.  As dumb as it seems to me (and will seem to him as he grows older), the idea of a teenage boy internet-bashing the Jonas Brothers in his spare time is perfectly understandable.  Like I stated earlier, they seem a titch too clean-cut and their music is probably pretty terrible (I mean, they are touring with Avril Lavigne).  They're squares, essentially, but the tween girls love 'em and they made more money than God last year, so, whatever.  But a teenage backlash is inevitable and perfectly acceptable.  What gets on my nerves are members of the adult collective that want to jump in on this shit.  Yeah, I'm talking to you Perez Hilton and E! News Daily.

When a week goes by without new leaked Mily Cyrus pictures, I get worried.  "OMG, did Miley Cyrus die? Where are this week's mildly provocative camera phone pics of Billy Ray Cyrus' offspring?"  Listen, Miley Cyrus has become a role model for the younger set, but keep in mind, pissed off parents and angry local morning show hosts, she's 15.  Visit any 15 year old's Myspace page and you'll see page after page of fake-tanned stomachs and Hello Kitty underpants.  On second though, don't visit the Myspace pages of 15 year olds. That's actually really creepy.

My point is, Ms. Cyrus needs to keep in mind that she is a hero to legions of young girls and those girls have parents with money and a large part of that money is being spent on Hannah Montana CDs, lunch-boxes, and spangly scarves. The more scandalous pictures you "accidentally" leak on the internet, the more likely your merchandise is going to end up on the clearance rack or in the shitty, cardboard dollar bin along with the Zac and Cody pencil sets and the Cory in the House bubble-gum scented shampoo.  I'm just saying, Miley, calm it down a bit.  Also, if you could see it in your heart to introduce a line of man-sized t-shirts, that would be nice.  I'm asking for a friend.

I was making a point before, right?  Oh yeah--when kids post messages on IMDB saying "Vanessa Hudgens is a skank--Zach deserves sooooooo much better" or "Ashley Tisdale's legs look like two popsicle sticks painted orange" I get it.  It's pointless, but I get it.  But when adults start getting involved, the proceedings get a little creepy.  Take a recent story I heard on E! News Daily for instance: apparently Miley Cyrus and her 21 year old best friend posted a YouTube video lampooning a YouTube video made by Selena Gomez and her BFF.  OK.  First, who the fuck is Selena Gomez? And second, who cares?  I understand it's E! News Daily, all right, but really?  Do kids run home from school and turn on E! to get the latest news?  No, they post fight videos on YouTube or take a sex survey on Myspace or break into their parents' liquor cabinet.  So who is watching E! News Daily?  I'd like to believe that no one is watching, but it's more likely that adults are watching and I hope (Oh, God, I hope!!!) adults don't care about an online video battle between 15 year old cable TV stars.  Entertainment news sucks, I know, but, c'mon!

I want to quickly mention Perez Hilton and I will make it quick because I think he tends to take criticism very harshly.  Now I'm not saying he's going to actually ever read this, but if he does, there is a good chance I could find my picture on his Web site with a little squiggle of man-jizz dribbling from my mouth. Listen, I know you hate Sienna Miller, Perez, and you constantly refer to her as a slut and all that, and I'm OK with that. Maybe she is a slut.  But when you constantly refer to Miley Cyrus and other teenage starlets as sluts, it's bad form.  I mean, you're a grown man (allegedly), don't you think you should use better judgement?  Also, you're obsession with the Jonas Brothers is just a little weird.

Listen, adult people should not be so invested in the world of teen celebrities.  If they do something stupid, let the youth of America scold them via the internets or denounce them in the hallways at school.  The rest of us should just stay out of it.  Keep poking fun at Tara Reid and Tom Cruise, but leave Miley, Selena, and the Jonas Boys to the youngsters.  Please, everybody, can't you just

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

From the Pages of Skymall-Pet Edition (Part II)

Ever wanted to take your dog on a midnight stroll around the neighborhood or next to a busy highway (what is going on in that picture?)? The Safety LED Lighted Dog Collar makes it possible. And look at the light that thing throws out! Damn! You and your dog could totally become a crime-fighting duo or search for lost miners or help illegal immigrants across the border or blind a hobo or blind a whole bunch of hobos, perhaps crazed hobos who want to break into your cupboard and steal your beans. It could happen.
The Pet Car-Seat, huh? Yeah, I don't see any pet enjoying this for more than negative three seconds. The dog pictured was obviously drugged for this photo shoot. Somebody call PETA.
Check out this Cool Vest for Dogs. 'Cool' in this case means 'the opposite of warm,' because this poor bastard looks anything but 'cool' (ie, hip, happenin', far out), in fact, he totally looks like a dork.
After watching the video I'm convinced that the Litter Robot is a revolutionary product that will change the world of shit-scooping forever. But does it have to look like a robot from a 60's sci-fi B-movie? I mean, it's 2008. Can't litterbox scientists design something more aesthetically pleasing? As usual I must critique this cat product with my own cat, Garbage, in mind. There is no way he would set foot in that thing. It looks like some kind of futuristic death chamber. But, man, it would so make my life easier. And less gross. Read the rest of this article.

Monday, August 4, 2008

What the WTF?!?

Best Job Ever (Or Is It?)

Whenever a news magazine or Yahoo publishes an article about current, must-have top jobs, they never suggest pursuing a career in sober companionship. Why not? Hanging out with a high-profile alcoholic or drug addict in an attempt to keep them away from the substances they so dearly crave seems like a valuable public service, doesn't it? Lindsay Lohan's sober companion, Lori Cersasoli, has helped both Drew Barrymore and the sketchy Olsen twin kick their drug habits and look at all the success that has come their way: Barrymore remains a top Hollywood star and runs a succesful production company, and Mary-Kate does, um, whatever it is she does, only now she's doing it sober (and, presumably, freshly bathed).

And how much does Cerasoli get paid to keep Hollywood's female elite drug-free? Two-thousand (that's 2,000) dollars a day, which means, last month, Ms. Cerasoli made a whopping $62,000 following Lindsay Lohan around and occasionally slapping the starlet on the hand when she reached for a J-ello shooter or a crack-pipe. Sounds pretty sweet, right? Well, $62,000 in one month is pretty nice, but remember, to make that kind of fat cash you have to HANG OUT WITH LINDSAY LOHAN ALL DAY. Actually, you know what might be worse--being Robin Williams' sober companion. At least Lindsay Lohan is kinda hot, you know, in that recovering junkie-stripper kind of way.
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Saturday, August 2, 2008

The Shining (with Robots)

I thought this was worth sharing.

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From the Pages of Skymall-Pet Edition (Part I)

We've all had those mornings when we just couldn't get out of bed. Maybe you spent the better part of the night before doing keg stands and taking body shots off the faked-tanned bellies of glassy-eyed coeds at Senor Pukes. Perhaps you've woken up to the fact that your life is pathetic and useless and that you'll never amount to anything just like your stepfather told you repeatedly during high school and you can think of no better plan than to stay in bed until you die, alone and unloved. Or maybe someone ran off with your prosthetic legs. Whatever the case, Rover still needs someone to take him outside to drop that first deuce of the morning.

That's when you need the Indoor Dog Restroom! It looks just like your neighbor's front yard, only it's inside where you eat, sleep, and bathe! Now while you sleep one off, your dog can shit and piss to his heart's content...INSIDE!
Nothing lets a potential suitor know to avoid smooching you at all costs then this hilarious trinket for your canine companion.

Hold on. This is another one of those products that kind of confuses me, like, when a young child buys an I LOVE MY DADDY t-shirt for his or her daddy on Father's Day and expects Pops to wear it. So, wait, does Pops love his daddy or...what the hell is actually going on here? What is the I KISS MY DOG ON THE LIPS tag telling us--that your dog has it's own dog which it unapologetically kisses square on the lips? Perhaps a t-shirt for humans is needed to express this sentiment in a clearer manner. If only one existed...sigh. does exist!!!Say hello to the Chatter Talking Pet Bowl. Before you leave for work in the morning just fill the Chatter with your pet's favorite food and record a 10 second message that will play every time your furry friend takes a bite, that way your pet won't feel lonely or abandoned. You know, my cat runs and hides when I crack my knuckles in another room of the house, so I'm thinking hearing my voice coming out of his food bowl every time he decides to have a snack is going to drive him insane. And what message does one record on one of these talking bowls? Dogs might get into it, but I gotta think most cats are going to react like that one above, who seems to thinking, "What the hell is this? I thought I got rid of that asshole for eight hours. Shit!"

Next time: Part 2, featuring the Traveling Pet Seat, the Safety LED Lighted Dog Collar, and Cool Vests for Dogs.
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