Several years ago in a horrifying fit of fancy I purchased Pauly Shore's 1991 comedy album The Future of America. I thought I was buying it for, like, you know, shits and stuff, but even the too-depressed-to-care record store girl behind the counter saw right through me. Her withering stare as she rung me up spoke volumes: "I know you think you're buying this for, like, you know, shits and stuff, but this is a bad, bad idea. And you're stupid. And shave that weird shit off your face." She knew what I should have known. She knew I could never bring myself to listen to the whole thing nor would I ever be able to get rid of it, thinking I would one day want to listen to it, you know, for shits and stuff. Actually, she probably just had gas. She was probably cute though. Maybe it was a guy. Yeah, I remember now. It was that weird guy. You know the one. Yeah. That one. Good times.
Anyway, I've been ordered to get rid of the accursed disk. I'll probably burn it (with fire), but before I do, I just HAVE to listen to it. Do I hate myself? Find out below as I guide us through my "41 minutes and 40 seconds in Hell (with Pauly Shore)."
Track 1 "Pauly & Mom"
Pauly's mom pretends to care about him. She's worried he'll get AIDS when he's out on the road. He says he'll wear a rubber. She knows better. Her son's a bad person. The end.
Track 2 "Doggie Door"
Pauly's in front of a bunch of college kids circa 1990. He talks about having a woodie. A lot. He calls women's breasts "cones." He says things like fah-reak, fuck-er and grind-aaage. The crowd knows exactly when to say Weasel. He's disrespectful towards his elders. He must have been very popular.
Track 3 "The Future of America"
The title track. Pauly explains what the world will be like in the future when people like him are in charge. "Instead of stop signs there'll be signs that say 'chill.'" He introduces the idea of a major rock concert to end nuclear war called Doobies Across the Universe. See, the joke is everybody gets together and smokes pot. Stoney.
Track 4 "Hollywood"
Pauly grew up in Hollywood! But he misses not having had a normal family. He hugs a man in the audience he thinks looks like what his normal dad might have looked like. He then enjoins him to, "check out the wood you created." Pauly, you're so edgy.
Track 5 "Bank"
Pauly mixes up the words escrow and escargot.
Track 6 "America's Most Wanted"
We're introduced to the concept of "dual sponging," which consists of sitting on the couch watching TV with your "bud" wearing helmets. The name makes it sounds gayer than it is. Pauly asks the audience if they've ever heard of America's Most Wanted. "It's a cool show to watch, but it's not a cool show to be on." How trenchant.
Track 7 "Valley Girls"
Pauly makes fun of valley girls. He claims to have dated a valley girl. She dumped him. "Probably 'cause I boned all her friends." He compares her friends to doughnuts and talks about glazing them. Gross.
Track 8 "College"
Pauly didn't graduate from college, but his audience is in college. They both drink a lot.
An audience member asks, "did you do Madonna?"
He didn't. It's odd to think that this might have at one time been a reasonable question to ask.
Track 9 "Aerobics"
Pauly talks about working out. He starts referring to himself as "the wheeze." There aren't really any jokes in this one.
Track 10 "Concerts"
Track opens with, "So what about Guns and Roses?"
Track 11 "Lisa"
Pauly likes girls at rock concerts who hike their miniskirts right up to "the beav." "Check out the wood you cre-ate-ed." He describes a scene at the "Motley" show where he yelled "Lisa" to a pack of sleazy girls. A retarded girl turned around and said "How did you know my name?" He calls sleazy retarded girls "Lisa." I think he has sex with them.
Track 12 "Love Connection"
The wheeze muses about what would happen if he were on Love Connection. He bribes Chuck Woolery with a "fatty." Chuck rewards him by hooking him up with a retarded runaway named Lisa.
Track 13 "Rubbers"
Weasel condoms: the rubber shaft with no top. I guess that was funnier when people were real scared of AIDS and stuff. When he imitates the girls he's having sex with, he sounds like he's imitating retarded people. I thought it was just Lisas, but it's all of them. Pauly thinks it would be cool if a little man lived in his wall by his nightstand and put his rubbers on him whenever he needed them. Gross. Oh, and condoms break sometimes. Funny.
Track 14 "Europe"
Pauly calls himself "Crocodile Dun-Dude" to emphasize how out of place he feels in New York.
Ha! French girls have hairy armpits! It's true!
Pauly's French accent suggests that he’s never
Track 15 "Flying"
Pauly sat beside "Nicholson" on a flight. They have a conversation about hair.
Track 16 "Dude Airways"
Dude Airways would have beanbags instead of seats. Those crazy stoners. The crowd knows that all the stewardess's names would be Lisa. This concludes the concert portion.
Track 17 "Lisa, Lisa (The One I Adore)"
This is a song. Pauly is a really bad singer. Really bad. This should not have happened.
You should watch it though.
Or just watch this:
Track 18 "Mom"
Mitzy shore thinks Pauly is "a doll," and "the best." She reminds us that Rosanne Barr copied her voice. This album sucks. Read the rest of this article.