Send us an e-mail please:

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Wednesday Morning Music: Asobi Seksu - "Me & Mary"

I'm going to court today, but you get to watch a video for a new song by one of GEP's favorite ever Japanese by way of New York shoegazery dreamy pop bands (also one of our favorite bands period). This one's got a little less shoegaze and a little more pop, but it's all dreamy, baby. Lucky.

- Read the rest of this article.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Say What? - Fist Bump?

Couples do need to feel that they're "physically bonded." That's a fact. Yep.

- Read the rest of this article.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Stop Already!: Bearded, Balding, and Bitter

"Isn't it amazing that you have so much hair on your arms, but on your head..." The woman's voice trailed off.

I'm always a bit shocked when a client feels it is her God-given duty to comment on the state of my hair loss. I take it in stride, smile, laugh a titch, but inside I'm seething. Not because I'm losing my hair--I accepted that a long time ago--but because I'm perplexed at what makes a person think I'm interested in their opinion when it comes to my balding.

A few months ago I was looking over a young woman's application when apropos of nothing she said, "Wow, you really lost your hair at a young age, huh?"

"Well, I am 29," I said.

"Yeah, wow, that's young." I looked up to find her studying my head as if it were some kind of strange visitor from another galaxy, like she'd never seen what lies beneath a person's hair before.

"I love to be constantly reminded that I'm losing my hair," I responded with more than a little trace of bitterness. "Thanks."

Secondly, I hate being told that I look like someone. Usually that someone is bald, fat, bearded, and four-eyed. Rarely am I compared to the kinds of celebrities men aspire to look like and woman desire to screw. Like, the woman who commented on the length of my arm hair.

"You know who you favor? C.W. Anderson."

"Who is C.W. Anderson?"

"He was a wrestler. I saw him in Goldsboro once. He made quite a success of himself." He may have been quite successful in the world of wrestling, but look at him! Who on Earth would want to be compared to this guy? He looks mildly brain-damaged! I asked the woman if me "favoring" C.W. Anderson was a good thing or a bad thing. "It's a neutral thing," she said matter-of-factly. In truth, it isn't a good or bad thing, it's an insulting thing, an abysmal thing, the kind of thing that makes one consider suicide. How could things get any worse?

They can and they did on Thanksgiving Day, 2008. Here is some background. I shave my head, but when it's been awhile I tend to wear a hat most of the time. For lack of a better term, I'll call it a cabbie hat. This is what a cashier at the drug store called it once. "Hey, dude, I like your cabbie hat. I'm thinking about getting one." OK. Anyway, I've got this cabbie hat and the last time I had seen my parents I was sporting an impressive winter beard. So, the family is hanging out in the kitchen, dinner is just about ready, and my mother turns to me and says, "You know who you look like, Matt?" Oh, sweet Lord, I thought. Please let it be George Clooney or Matthew Fox. Hell, I'll even accept Steve Buscemi. At least his face has a lot of character.

"No. Who, Mom?"

"Dom DeLuise." My mother told me that I reminded her of fucking Dom DeLuise! Dom DeLuise, the comic actor famous for, among other things, being morbidly obese! Can you believe that? My own mother. After dinner (I chose to indulge in a pack of saltine crackers rather than sample any of the delicious-looking Thanksgiving delights), I found the above picture online and called my mother into my dad's office to get a good look at Mr. Dom DeLuise.

"I look like this guy, Mom?" The rest of my family surrounded us, their laughter like rusty nails on my tender exposed flesh.

"It was just the beard and the hat, honey, that's all." My mother felt horrible the rest of the day.

A few days later I was informed that a friend of mine had once suggested to another friend that I resembled a young Dom DeLuise, which I really don't see. Sure, Young Dom (or Dommie as I like to call him) isn't as fat, but he isn't wearing the right hat and where is his beard?For some reason people like to tell people that they look like other people. It has been suggested in the past that fellow GEP bloggist, Jonathan, looks like both David Cross and Napoleon Dynamite and my wife has been told countless times that she looks like Margaret Cho. First of all, neither of these people look like the people that people claim they look like. Secondly, being told you look like David Cross or Margaret Cho isn't actually that insulting. Both are funny, good looking, and reasonably successful. Who on Earth has ever heard of C.W. Anderson and what has Dom DeLuise done lately other than get chunkier?

Maybe I've always had an unrealistic view of my own attractivness, but I tend to think I'm a moderately handsome guy. I'll admit, I'm no Tim Daly, but the ladies have still dug on me over the years. There's nothing that can break a man's stride faster than hearing he looks like a fat, sweaty goofball. There's no better mojo-reducer than pointing out someone's balding pate. So here's a suggestion, various people I interact with on a daily basis, unless you want me to inform you that the celebrity you most resemble is Joseph Merrick or Sea World's Shamu, I suggest that you


Read the rest of this article.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wednesday Morning Music: Alter Boys - "When You're a Rebel"

I was thinking the other day, what if Paul Westerberg got saved?

Read the rest of this article.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

On Turning 30

In eight days I will say good-bye to my youth.  Yours truly, Matt Lawson, is turning 30 years old.  I have mixed feelings about it, but for the most part I'm horrified.  I'm sorry.  I meant ecstatic.  30! Wow!  I'll be a bona fide adult male.  Seems like just yesterday I was running through sprinklers and throwing crab apples at six year olds.  Time sure flies as you march closer and closer to the ol' grave.  Before turning 30 though, I wanted to make sure I'd experienced everything on the list I made when I was still a boy.  So, I got out my Official List of Things to Do Before I Turn 30 and got started.  I'd already gotten married, gone to Disney World without my parents, and eaten the world's biggest lollipop, so it was now time to wrap my list up before the big day. Please enjoy this rare look into my last few weeks of pre-adulthood.  To the list!
First, I reread my collection of Cracked and Mad magazines.  My mother ordered me to get them out of her house once and for all last year and after ignoring her literally hundreds of times, she finally stuffed them in a box and delivered them to my house.  Here I am enjoying a particularly gut-busting film parody of Basic Instinct titled "Basically, It Stinks!"  LOL!
Next, I decided it was finally time to put the finishing touches on my 57 chapter Harry Potter fan-fiction novel, "Ron and Hermione's Super Special Prom."  I'll be posting it on the internets very soon.
Here I am watching Merry Christmas, Drake and Josh (I don't want to give anything away, but they totally have an awesome Christmas!).
Everyone should indulge in candy for dinner at least once in his or her life.  Here I am enjoying a vast array of chocolaty and fruity delights with a vintage Pop Star Punch to wash it all down.  
And, heck, one last color.  I colored a puppy.  I colored him blue.

I'm ready.  Do your worst, 30!
(special thanks to my wife for taking the photos and preparing the delicious candy dinner)
Read the rest of this article.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Lyric Professor: Emery "The Party Song"

This installment of Lyrics Professor comes to us courtesy of Emery, a Christian band (or is it band with Christians in it?) from Rock Hill, South Carolina (they now live in Seattle). Most of the band members, according to Wikipedia, were once members of ridiculously-named bands like Sachul, Joe 747, Simply Wayne's, and Oogie Brown. They apparently belong in the post-hardcore genre, which means, in this context, they're kind of loud (the "hardcore" part) and kind of melodic (the "post" part). Christian, in this context, as far as I can tell, means they don't like drugs.

Before we go any further, I have to be honest. I'm a very boring person. I don't do drugs or anything that could even jokingly be considered self destructive except for maybe eating a little too much junk food and hurling unfair criticism at semi-successful rock and rollers. That being said, when I listen to hardcore, or even post-hardcore music, I don't really mind if certain unsavory behaviors are glorified. When I think of hardcore music, I think of music that's frantic, yearning, hopeless, thrashing, striving--you get the picture. I think of edgy. I think of dangerous. I think of drugs and booze and anarchic philosophies (or drugs and booze that are a result of anarchic philosophies) (or anarchic philosophies that justify drugs and booze). Heck, sometimes, if I really want to torture myself, I think of the self-righteous hectoring of some straight edge or real old school turn-or-burn Christian punk. I think of lots of things, but I don't even for one minute ever think, "friends don't let friends drive drunk." This song comes off as an updated version of this:

And I think that's lame.

Lyrics Professor
Lyrics 111
"The Party Song"

Well I know you like the party, but the party never stops.
[Do I know you?]

I know you like the party, but the party never stops.
[I don't believe I've had the pleasure…]

Well I know you, I know you, I know you.
[If you say so.]

I know you want to be here so you just let go,
[Not sure what that means.]

And no one’s ever gonna tell you no.
[Hey, I wish, buddy.]

But I want to 'cause I know you, I know you.
[You want to tell me no? 'Cause you know me? Huh.]

But you party on

Party on

Get your party on
[Yes, some people say things like that.]

Get your party on
[I prefer not.]

This is my last advice:
[You're just being dramatic.]

Leave with me cause you could die tonight
[Is that a threat?]

(I got this, I got this, I got this so go ahead home)
[Yeah, what she said.]

The drugs you use as a place to hide
[They're kind of small for that.]

It’s really bad if you don’t get this right
[There you go again being all dramatic.]

(I got this, I got this, I got this, I don’t need you)
[I agree with that guy in the leather jacket.]

You got kicked out of your mother's house
[Some back story.]

You stole money from her purse
[How awful.]

She finally found you out
[I just wanted attention.]

You should be ashamed
[I should.]

(Don't sit there judging me)
[No, it's fine.]

What a waste
[That's your opinion.]

(You'd be the same if you could see)
[What he said]

(So lets have another drink.)
[I'm in.]

And we'll party on
party on
Get your party on
Get your party on

This is my last advice:
[This again?]

Leave with me cause you could die tonight
[You could die tonight too.]

(I got this, I got this, I got this so go ahead home)

The drugs you use as a place to hide
[You mean from my emotions?]

It’s really bad if you don’t get this right
[Saying something's "really bad" doesn't really help build tension. "This song is really bad." See? It's boring]

(I got this, I got this, I got this, I don’t need you)
[I like how you use the two singers to take on different roles.]

February is still as scary
[More back story?]

The month your father died
[I get it now! It's all so clear! ]

A little girl in a shrinking world
[It just seems that way 'cause of the drugs.]

Looking for her place to run and hide
[Run to drugs. Hide in drugs.]

[The rest is just repeating stuff.]

Final comments: You know, it's hard to HATE this song, but there's really nothing that interests me it. I suppose if I were really into saving my friends from self-destructive behaviors I might see myself in the lyrics, but the worst my friends do is get nose rings and have high blood pressure. I have nothing to save anyone from. (Some of 'em do drugs and stuff, but that's none of my business.)
You know, Emery, if you ever read this, you really shouldn't feel bad. This is my thing--my deal. This song is a perfectly acceptable rock song about caring about people and wanting to save them from dying and stuff. It's got verses, a chorus, killer production values, and awesome mustaches. I smell a hit, now pass the Early Times.
Read the rest of this article.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Another ABC Song.

Another interesting take on the ABC genre from Maurice Sendak and Carole King’s "Really Rosie" collaboration.

When my wife and I sing it (no, we’re not Mormons; we just don't like each other very much), we substitute “Xenophobic Xylophones” for “Xing Xs.” Now you can too. Read the rest of this article.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What the WTF?!?: Woman Eats Lizard

Now that college bowl season is over (it is, right?), I thought it appropriate to share this college football related gem. It’s appalling, isn’t it? No, I’m not talking about the cruelty to the poor lizard. If you’ve ever seen what a cat or a bird can do to one of these things you’ll know that their fate is more often than not at least this painful (though maybe not as humiliating). Besides, PETA’s for privileged college students, totally disconnected movie stars, and brilliant, sexually ambiguous pop singers who insist it’s ok to wear leather shoes because “there’s no sensible alternative.” (Morrissey now wears fake leather. I wear canvas.) I’m also not upset by indignities perpetrated on the lizard-eating obese woman. She obviously doesn’t have any dignity. I wish she’d get some.

No, what I’m upset about is the ridiculous culinary theory on display that assumes ketchup can be applied to anything distasteful to make it more palatable. Ketchup, used properly, can complement the flavor and texture of certain foods, but more often it’s used to mask the flavor of bad-tasting foods or add flavor to bland foods.

Debased obese women of the world, I’m here to tell you there is a better way. Your first reaction to seeing a lizard may very well be, “I’m gonna need ketchup on that if I’m gonna eat it.” I understand; sometimes you can’t help what thoughts come to you. I’m suggesting that when these thoughts do come, you recognize them and steer them in a more civilized and refined direction. Perhaps you could make a more informed culinary choice and consider another condiment that might complement the delicate flavors of the lizard. Perhaps you might decide not to eat a fucking lizard.

Plus, if you can eat a lizard raw with ketchup on it, why the hell do you care about a little bit of grass? What the WTF indeed.

[Via Deadspin] Read the rest of this article.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The New ABC Song???

It's so hard to get back into the swing of things after vacation, but I swear we'll be hitting you with all new content real soon. Fun! Until then, enjoy this heartwarming take on the ABC Song. If you haven't ended your life by the end, drop us a comment.

That's not all her mouth is full of, am I right? Read the rest of this article.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Wednesday Morning Music: Robin Sparkles - "Let's Go to the Mall"

I got seasons 1-3 of How I Met Your Mother on DVD during the holidays and, not suprisingly, I've already finished watching them. If you haven't seen the show, what's wrong with you? It's one of the funniest shows currently on television. Don't let the fact that it looks like a traditional two-camera situation comedy turn you off. How I Met Your Mother plays around with sitcom conventions in clever ways proving that the medium isn't quite dead after all. If you've seen the show once and decided you hate it (I'm talking to you, Kristen!), sit down and watch a season (or two...or three) and I guarantee your mind will be forever changed.

Just try to get this song out of your head. I think you'll find it quite difficult. Your welcome. Read the rest of this article.

Monday, January 5, 2009

What the WTF?!?: Double Feature Edition

My wife is trying to help me replace my video collection with DVDs, so this Christmas she bought me Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Donnie Darko, and Napoleon Dynamite. Sounds normal, right? Well, oddly enough, Donnie Darko and Napoleon Dynamite were packaged together in something called a Double Feature. Now, this is not my ideal set-up when it comes to DVDs, but each film is on it's own disc and I think they are pretty much the standard versions, so all is well. My confusion stems from the fact that these two movies were teamed up in the first place. What in the world do Donnie Darko and Napoleon Dynamite have in common that would warrant packaging them together and distributing them as a double feature? OK, they both take place in a high school setting and feature characters that aren't exactly that well adjusted, but Donnie Darko is dark, weird, and thought provoking while Napoleon Dynamite is goofy, mindless fun. The only explanation for this double feature hook up is that the studio had a bunch of extra copies of both and wanted to unload them as quickly as possible, damn the logic.

I'm not entirely against the double feature concept. Some releases even make sense, like putting Footloose and Flashdance together. Sure, they're pretty different, but both films are about dancing when you really get down to it. And putting Arthur and Arthur 2: On the Rocks in one easy to purchase collection is almost a no-brainer (which is, ironically, how I would describe the purchaser of said DVD set).

But the vast majority of DVD team-ups make very little sense. Let's take a look at some of the most perplexing right now:

Training Day/Fallen

Why they are together maybe: Both films feature Denzel Washington as a cop.

Why this is horribly wrong: First, for the same reason most of the double features featured on our list are horribly, stupidly wrong: one movie is good, one movie is bad. Training Day is an intense thriller about a crooked cop and a naive rookie in South Central, Los Angeles; Fallen is about a bad old demon causing problems. Oh no.

The First Wives Club/Sliding Doors

Why they are together maybe: I guess because both films have women in them (also men and doors).

Why this is horribly wrong: Sliding Doors is actually a fairly engrossing film that plays with the idea of fate and how your life can be drastically altered by one, seemingly insignificant choice. First Wives Club, on the otherhand, is a motion picture you couldn't pay me to see. I wouldn't watch this on an airplane if a sexy flight attendant gave me free headphones and a hand-job. Just look at the cover? No good can come from that team-up.

Teen Witch/The Heavenly Kid

Why they are together maybe: Well, they have similiar box covers; presumably, both movies feature teenagers who possess the ability to fly; and both are forgotten 80's relics.

Why this is horribly wrong: I'm not sure it is as far as film quality goes, but isn't it strange that MGM would team up a movie about a nature-worshipping witch with one about an angel from Heaven? Oh, before I forget, you can check out my in-depth review of Teen Witch this Spring at
Movie Penguin. Luck you, right?
One Hour Photo/Donnie Darko

Why they are together maybe: They're weird indies.

Why this is horribly wrong: One Hour Photo is all about Robin Williams' creepy performance, nothing more. There isn't anything particularly original going on. It's just Robin Williams doing perverted shit for two hours. Donnie Darko, on the other hand, is the very definition of original. There's a reason Darko is considered a cult classic and One Hour Photo is often followed by somone asking, "One Hour what?"

Swimfan/Donnie Darko
Why the are together maybe: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I DON'T KNOW!
Why this is horribly wrong: If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. Get it in your head! Donnie Darko is impossible to team-up with anything! Just stop trying!
Read the rest of this article.