Saturday, February 28, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Miley Cyrus looks like a living Christmas tree in this dress. I just want to cover her in tinsel, hang a few balls from her arms, and jab a star into her skull. The only living Christmas tree I ever want to see is that one at the Baptist church down the street made up of friendly choir members. Or that one that always starts singing when I pass it at Rite Aid.
If Angelina Jolie were my mother, I would still masturbate to pictures of her. I would be a severely screwed up little kid.
Tragically, Whoopie Goldberg was gunned down by a big game hunter as she exited the Kodak Theater late Sunday night. This dress is quite possibly her biggest mistake since not giving me a larger role in the film Eddie. I was meant for more than crowd scenes, Whoopie, and you would know that if you'd just watched my audition tape!
The first of many actresses famous, in part, for their luscious breasts, hiding those breasts from the home audience. What gives, Jessica? I think she kind of looks like one of the Muses of Greek mythology, in fact, she inspired me to turn the TV off and read a book.
Really, PSH? You couldn't take the knit cap off for three hours? You look like a complete douche. I'm glad Alan Arkin called you Seymour Philip Hoffman.
Another actress known for her amazing knockers denying the world even the slightest glimpse. C'mon, girl from Mama Mia, help a brother out. Great shoes though, girlfriend!
I assume Lisa Rinna was at the Oscars to conduct red carpet interviews. What other reason would there be for this puffy-lipped, woman-sized insect to be there? She looks more horrible than usual, and that's pretty damn horrible. Sometimes I weep for Harry Hamlin.
Proof that Hollywood is not immune from the current economic crisis. How much do you want to bet he found that tux in a dumpster?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
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Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Amy Adams (pictured here looking ravishing near a Doubt poster, rather than frumpy and nunned-up) is a pure delight. I haven't seen Doubt, nor do I have any plans to do so in the near or far-flung future, but I'm sure she does an adequate job playing a nun or whatever. I like when she's a magical princess who sings songs and speaks to squirrels.
Before you scoff, imagine you've just been informed that you could be attacked by bloodthirsty tigers at any moment. You could be walking down the street, whistling a jaunty tune, not a care in the world and...KABLAMMO...tiger attack. You might be enjoying a fancy dinner with your sweetheart, recounting a charming tale from your youth in the Midwest and...KABOOM...you're tiger chow. I think you'd do just about anything you could to avoid random tiger attacks, including being bonded in holy matrimony to your neighbor's schnauzer. Here is a list of things I would be willing to do to break the curse of neverending, random tiger attacks.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
1. The Amazing Race (ABC): Human-gecko/Hollywood screenwriter Mike White is apparently amazingly racing around the world with his father on the latest season of this mega-popular reality globetrotting adventure that I've never seen in my life. You may know White as the writer behind School of Rock or, my personal favorite, Chuck and Buck. I did see White, his father, and the other contestants rolling large wheels of cheese down a hillside and that was amusing, I guess.
2. From G's to Gents-Season 2 (Mtv): On the DVR. Haven't watched it yet.
3. Tool Academy (Vh1): A lot like From G's to Gents only here the contestants are just pathetic as opposed to frightening and pathetic. Plus, the Tools participate in various challenges with the girlfriends who brought them on the show in the first place. Favorite part of the show: when a contestant is expelled from the Academy, the program's host says, "So-and-so, I'm sorry, but you're just a tool." Classy.
4. Spouse Switch (TNT): Oh, man, have you been watching Spouse Switch this season? It has been one humdinger after another! For instance, last week a born again mother of seven swapped places with a high priestess in the Church of Satan. The Christian lady's husband, a former youth pastor and current assistant manager at Chick-fil-A, was kind of a dick, making the Satanist eat in the basement and sleep in a padlocked coffin, but the Satanist husband was kind of a cool guy. He actually hand made a sombrero for the visiting wife. People sure do learn a lot about themselves on this show. It's neat.
5. 17 Kids and Counting (TLC): Last night the Duggars flew to El Salvador and handed out Christmas presents. They also gave candy, punch, and cookies to starving orphans, mocked the Spanish language, and laid hands on a sick baby. Why bring a poor, dying baby medicine when you've got the power of prayer? The Duggars are all right!
6. Hell's Kitchen (FOX): On the DVR. Haven't watched it yet. I prefer Top Chef now anyway.
7. The Dog Kickerer (Anti-Animal Planet): Time Warner Cable recently gave us a bunch of new channels (Bravo, Out&Proud, The Parade Network) and with them came a buttload of new reality shows, like this one from Anti-Animal Planet, a channel I don't really care for and whose programming I've been unfortunate enough to accidentally see while mindlessly flipping channels I wish I could burn forever from my brain. The Dog Kickerer is what you'd expect from a show that bills itself as "The Dog Whisperer's Evil Twin." Got a dog that won't behave? Cesar Millan not answering his phone? Call the Dog Kickerer. He'll come over to your house and kick your dog repeatedly until it shapes up, cowers and pisses itself whenever you enter a room, or dies. And it doesn't have to be dogs. I saw an episode last week where the Dog Kickerer (a former member of the Hell's Angels named Bunky) kicked the mess out of a insubordinate parakeet. Someone get this station removed from my TWC package. Please!
8. Jon and Kate Plus 8 (TLC): Jon and Kate bought a bigger house in which to shelter their lively brood. The house sits on several acres of land that includes a vast forest for hiking and camping. Unfortuanely, Jon has learned that the sextuplets absolutely hate hiking, but adore squashed rats and dried cow shit. Oh, and tractor rides! Kate still yells a lot, mostly about coupons. 9. The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo): Thanks to Time Warner Cable's addition of Bravo to my cable package (see above), I've been able to watch Conan O' Brien on Inside the Actor's Studio, discover superior cooking competition show Top Chef, and marvel at the vast stupidity of the filthy rich on Real Housewives. My favorite housewife is Gretchen, pictured here getting stupid drunk. At this particular dinner party, the grown son of one of her fake friends' that make up the remainder of the program's cast attempts to lure Gretchen into bed for some hot, drunken, MILFy sexual intercourse. This program is horrifying. I love it.
10. Retarded for a Day (Style): I think the title sums this one up pretty well: able-bodied people of average intelligence discover what it's like to be mentally disabled for a day. Participants are strapped into helmets, squeezed into ill-fitting outfits, and forced to endure the endless pity and "thumbs ups" of society. Most of the people involved don't make it through a whole day; some see the inherent advantages of such an existence and look for ways to remain permanently disabled. Whoever created this show should be tied to four horses and torn asunder. Horrible! You don't even win money.
11. Bad Girls Club (Oxygen): I've seen no more than 30 seconds of this show, but they were the right 30 seconds. Topless girls in a bubble bath fondling their own breasts? Check. Wet, soapy, topless girls being dragged by other scantily clad girls across a linoleum floor? Check. Topless girls running around an inground pool? Check. 12. American Idol (FOX): I decided not to write a regular column devoted to American Idol this season for the simple fact that I had hoped to avoid watching American Idol at all costs. I'm sad to report that the cultural juggernaut has grabbed hold of me once again and doesn't seem to want to let go. Where does that leave us? Well, I will occasionally take to Giant Electric to discuss some aspect of AI that has either elevated my spirit or royally pissed me off, but for the most part it should appear to our readers that I've never even heard of such a program let alone watched it religiously like a lonely old shut-in.
This season's final 36 have been chosen and America is currently in the process of whittling this down to an easier to handle Top 12. For the next three weeks, 12 contestants will perform (poorly) Tuesday night and on Wednesday night only the very best (i.e. most loved by those television viewers who have nothing better to do than call an 866 number all night long, voting for someone who will most likely never be heard from again after this season of American Idol is over) will remain: one girl, one guy, and one hemaphrodite. If there is no man-lady, then the next highest vote getter will advance. Week Four will be a wild card show and then American Idol can begin. That's right, the show proper hasn't even fucking started yet. Why do I do this to myself?
Aside from Ryan Seacrest's ill-advised high five with a blind contestant (above), the dumbest thing to happen so far this year has been the repeated approval given to painfully unfunny contestant Nick Mitchell and his glittery-shirt wearing alter ego, Norman Gentle. Nick-Norman, as the judges call him, is interesting only for the fact that they've never allowed an obvious saboteur to get this far in the competition. From Norman's first appearance it was obvious that his schtick was some kind of morning radio comedy bit or amateur improv gone horribly wrong. I don't know. Maybe the judges are putting up with his shenangins so they can revel in his tears when he finally breaks down and admits that it has all been a joke and that he can't go any further with his ruse. America's got your number, Nick-Norman. Your days are numbered!
And that's The Reality Report.Read the rest of this article.
Elliott Smith as an extremely earnest teenager who commandeers his small town church's music equipment and sings songs about the power of rock and roll, youthful innocence, and sexual intensity in the church's youth room/basement/bingo parlor.
At least that's how I like to read this Big Star cover. Maybe not better than the original, but very true to it, and pulling off the right kind of angst-filled innocence without seeming like an emo cliché or a twee drama nerd (or, worse, a pathetic old fogey), is a pretty neat trick IMHO. Read the rest of this article.
Monday, February 16, 2009
This week's question:
Dear Ask a Pastor Pastor:
With all the pain and suffering going on in the world, what do you think is the biggest threat to today's Christian family?
Definitely Interested Christian
And the response from our top-notch professional pastor:
Got a question? Post it in the comments, and we'll either consider it for a future installment of Ask a Pastor or judge you mercilessly, just as God so judged us. Read the rest of this article.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Any discussion of '60s music, I think, has to start with the girl groups that started appearing in the late '50s--groups like The Shirelles, The Ronettes, The Dixie Cups, The Adorable Pumps, The Femmettes, the Chinets, and The Amazing Excitable Woman Band. Every other important type of top 40 music in the '60s grew out of or was a cousin to the girl group sound: Soul music (at the very least the girl groups helped legitimize other soulful sounds), the British invasion (the Beatles covered "Chains" and adopted the girl group dynamic--everyone else copied the Beatles), sunshine pop (inspired by the sonic experiments of Phil Spector as well as the naive, innocent charm of the girls themselves), even American psychedelia (just look at this clip of Vanilla Fudge covering "You Keep Me Hanging On"). But this isn't a discussion of '60s music. This is Sunday morning music, and all this is just an excuse to share with you three songs from modern musicians making music inspired by the girl group sound that are perfect for listening to on a Sunday morning. So here they are.
She and Him - "I Was Made for You"
Zoey Deschanel and M Ward's She and Him project throws back to a lot of wonderful things in several wonderful ways but I think the two lesser-known girl group inspired tracks are great fun all by themselves.
From the opening drums, to the piano flourishes, to the spot-fucking-on guitar tone and background vocals, this could have been produced by Phil Spector. Such slavish adherence to an earlier form usually turns me off, but this--this--it's just so damn adorable it makes me want to give a homeless man a kitten.
She and Him - "Sweet Darlin'"
Like "I Was Made for You," but like 5 years more mature with a more advanced echo chamber and a steel guitar. Ain't nothing wrong with that.
The Pipettes - "Pull Shapes"
The Pipettes are the closest thing we have to an actual honest-to-God '60s type girl group in 2009. "Pull Shapes" has more of a '70s flavor (it mentions disco), but it's still several miles of fun in one compact, adorable, 3-minute ditty. If you can imagine The Spice Girls populated with three Lily Allens singing music inspired by the Shirelles, then you have The Pipettes. Or you could watch the video. Hopefully you already have.
- Read the rest of this article.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Granted, they were the only two people around at the time. And, yeah, I'm sure Adam was pretty pissed at his woman for that whole getting them kicked out of the Garden of Eden thing, but what else was he going to do? Hit the local tavern and pick up some strange? Impossible. There was no tavern (unless Adam built one with his own two hands, and I don't remember reading that in Genesis). And if there had been a tavern, there wouldn't have been any other ladies in it because there was only the one lady and she happened to be the one that doomed the whole human race. Also, what if the tavern had a gorilla bartender? That would be sweet!
Romeo and Juliet's short courtship ended in senseless tragedy, but their story is one that has resonated with young and old alike throughout the ages. Their young, doomed love has been the inspiration for films (West Side Story; Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss, which is literally about cartoon seals in love), songs (that stupid song by the The Reflections), and books (Romeo and Juliet: For Kids from the Shakespeare Can Be Fun series). Has your love ever inspired anything? Probably not.
The Greatest Story Ever Told! Some people use this hackneyed phrase to describe the birth of Jesus Christ. To me, it describes the almost sickeningly adorable love story of fictional sweethearts Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly from the popular American version of The Office. Each week their tale of true love and devotion grows sweeter and deeper and more hopelessly adorable. In a perfect world actors John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer would be together in real-life, engaged to be married and working alongside one another at a paper company in Scranton, PA. They're the fake couple every real couple should strive to emulate. I just hope the whole thing doesn't end in suicide or banishment.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Example: Seth and Evan
"But, GEP, you already talked about brotherly love! What gives?"
Not brotherly love, a-hole, bro love.
"Wait, but you already did the whole homosexual thing. I'm confused."
Of course you're confused, jerk-off. You're a crackhead.
All that aside, bro love doesn't necessarily have to be gay. The bond between bros can be stronger than that of actual brothers. It can span the years and the miles and never waver. It holds strong through the good times (marriages, the birth of a child) and bad (death of a pet, bro whacked in the balls by a television remote). Bros are what life is all about. Like the Good Book says, "Yea and it is so that bros must forever cometh before the hoes for it is written."
Two of my favorite bros are Seth and Evan from Superbad. Together they venture into the frightening world of wine, women, and song with the simple goal of getting laid. Do they succeed? Does it matter? In the end, all that matters is how much quality time you spent with your bro (or bros). Though, c'mon, if a smoking hot chick struts by asking for a piece, it's totally OK to put the bro shit on hiatus. Bros aren't idiots after all.
Other examples: Dwight Schrute and Michael Scott, Zack and Screech, me and Garbage Read the rest of this article.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Example: Drake and Josh
I didn't have a brother growing up (thanks a lot, Mom and Dad!), but I imagine it's got to be pretty great. The shared bedroom, the bunk-beds, the wacky adventures, the budding rock-n-roll career. You miss out on so much when you're stuck with a crummy old little sister (no offense, Kristen).
I was fine sleepwalking through life without a brother to help me fix up my old dune buggy or assist me in creating a prize winning salsa recipe, until I saw the Nickelodeon program Drake and Josh, a sit-com for tweens about two step-brothers with divergent personalities who find common ground in their predilection for getting into humorous situations and their hatred for Drake's sister, Megan. Oh, the situations these two lovable goofballs would get into each week and sometimes four to five times an afternoon! Like, remember when they rescued that chimpanzee from a guy who ate chimpanzees? Man, that was wacky as shit!
Other examples: Zack and Cody, Cain and Abel, The Kray Twins
- Read the rest of this article.
Remember when LSD could broaden your mind, roving gangs of skateboarders would cruise around town looking for old ladies to help across the street and rats to cook and feed to homeless men and women, and boomboxes could bring about world peace? Well, in this post AID/9-11/Gay Clay Aiken environment, nothing is ever quite what it seems: LSD can help you loose your ego, but you just might loose your mind too; skateboarders can be helpful, but they also write rude grafitis on walls; boomboxes can save the world or destroy it.
Lonely Island and Julian Casablancas bring us this paean to the boombox (in the glorous tradition of simmilar pop-culture-phenomenon-as-a-means-to-change-the-world songs such as "Convoy," "Skateboards Across America," and "Yo, Slap Bracelets Cure AIDS") that turns into a timely cautionary tale about the dangers of having too much of a good thing. Watch that turbo bass button, folks. Read the rest of this article.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Recently GEP founding editor and one of the top guys here Matt called a meeting of GEP editors and staff members to determine the future of the site. Matt had some interesting suggestion (talk about porn more, watch more porn so we can talk about it on the site, pledge money to starving AIDS patients, eat some more pizza, interview some porn stars), but I had some good ones too. One of my ideas was to find a cardiologist to answer some questions about love and relationships from our readers, and we'd call it "Cardiologist of Love," and we'd post it as a Valentine's special report or something. Matt said, "that's only mostly stupid," so I took that as a go and ran with it. Since I don't know any cardiologists at all, I just asked my proctologist, Dr. Suna Elohssa, and he, thankfully, agreed. So here, without furthur ado, is the most excellent love advice of esteemed proctologist and in-network physician Dr. Suna Elohssa.
Dear Love Proctologist,
I want to do something special for my wife on Valentine's day, but I can't think of anything. Any ideas?
Very Anxious Guy
Well, VAG, yours is the perennial Valentine's day problem. You can always get her flowers, chocolates, jewelries, or take her out to dinner, but who hasn't done those things? It's not special when everybody does it, right? I've got a solution I'll bet you've never even thought of that's guaranteed to have your woman squealing with delight, just like in commercials and in situation comedies. Instead of spending the night in a crowded restaurant, how about taking your woman to the proctologist for an anal cancer screening? It shows you care about her health, she can have drugs if she complains about the pain, and afterward she'll be clean and tidy for when you penetrate her anus with your penis.
Dear Love Proctologist,
I can't seem to find a lover no matter how hard I try. I do everything I've read about on TV, including looking directly into her eyes, feeding her all natural foods, and shouting "no!" when she bites someone, all to no avail. What am I doing wrong?!?
Craving Anal Nookie In Near East
Are you looking for an human woman or an animal woman, CANINE, because it's not at all clear from your letter. If you want an human woman, you really need to stop looking directly into her eyes. Women interpret prolonged eye contact as an hostile act, so avoid it at all costs. Often women wear necklaces with charms that dangle down to their chest or purposefully display the folds between their mammary glands; these are perfect points of focus to help you avoid angering your female human before you can mate with her. Otherwise, it sounds like you're doing fine.
Women often wear charms you can look at to avoid angering them.
Dear Love Proctologist,
I just can't stop thinking about my high school sweetheart. We're both married now with kids, but we recently reconnected at our high school reunion and there were definitely sparks. To make matters worse, I still love my wife, but she's frigid and also won't have sex with me. Should I try to keep in contact with my high school sweetheart in hopes of starting a relationship, or should I just leave well enough alone and stay home with my current wife and quietly touch myself to college football cheerleaders?
In Christ's Eternal Service
That's quite a problem, ICES, and I'm not sure I can answer it, but I'd start the decision-making process by setting both women up with a proctologist, preferably one that's board certified, and making sure each woman's anus, colon, and rectum are in good working order. Try to be present for the digital examination so the proctologist can show you how all the parts work (if you're lucky he might even let you put on some gloves and dive right in). It's fascinating stuff, and if you feel a polyp or other imperfection, it might make your decision a little bit easier.
- Read the rest of this article.
Just shoot me.
Just like anyone else who's ever read a comic book, I'm looking forward to the Watchmen movie, but I have some reservations. Those reservations have a name. It's Zach Snyder. I liked Snyder's take on Dawn of the Dead. It was blood-soaked and sadistic and an all-around good time, but it wasn't exactly inspired, and it has nothing on the original. 300 is entertaining, but it's also bloated, melodramatic, completely devoid of humor, and it spawned thousands of shitty parodies that you can't just dismiss as shitty because they're absolutely spot on true and make you laugh in spite of yourself. For that, I will never forgive 300.
Adding to my unease is the Watchmen soundtrack album I stumbled across last night on iTunes. You can see the track list for yourself or you can just trust me that there's a bunch of period stuff and mood music on it that's non-offensive, predictable, and boring. You got your "Sound of Silence," "I'm Your Boogie Man," and "The Times They Are A-Changing," all by the original artists! And that's fine, but this is Watchmen, a thoroughly engrossing, thrilling story that's filled with fine details and surprises. It practically dares you to come to it with preconceptions or expectations just so it can shoot them down, spit in your face, and laugh at you when you thank it for it's trouble. And Zach Snyder is sitting there thinking about what songs to put on this thing and he says, "this movie's about unrest in the '60s and '70s. We'll need Dylan, Simon and Garfunkle--oh, and we'll totally need some KC and the Sunshine Band!"
KC and the Sunshine Band? You can't be serious.
But out of a sea of predictability, two tracks stick out like oil platforms in the Florida Keys (I hate myself). The first is My Chemical Romance's version of "Desolation Row." I actually hate their version--they give it an almost halfway authentic sounding early punk vibe--but it has no reason to exist except to add a bit of crossover appeal to the soundtrack and the film. A bunch of movies do this, sure, and I know I'm being a dick on par with Mr. Moore himself (and he can be a dick all he wants as far as I'm concerned) when I say this, but I just don't want to see this kind of shit in Watchmen. Please use this song in an interesting, innovative way and prove me wrong, Mr. Snyder.
My Chemical Bromance...with Zach Snyder -or- Desolation Hoe
The second song I want to complain about here is Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." Please don't get me wrong. I love Cohen's "Hallelujah." It's one of the greatest songs ever written, but it seems like it's been co-opted by lazy directors (or whoever happens to be in charge) as a cheap way to add some cheap gravity to a cheap scene. I admit to being moved a bit by its use in Shrek, but I credit that more to the song than the movie, and it's since been used ad nauseum in television dramas, including House, The West Wing, Third Watch, The O.C., and even fucking Scrubs. According to LadyBears in this DisBoards thread it was even used at the end of an episode of Dateline to commemorate the Virginia Tech Massacre. Fuck me.
You know what? Stop it. Stop remaking perfectly good songs as pop punk songs for no good reason (even if they aren't completely terrible). Stop ruining irrefutable classics of western music by shoving them down our throats every time we're supposed to feel sad, or excited (in the case of "Ride of the Valkyries," also include in the Watchmen soundtrack), and while you're at it, quit using KC & The Sunshine Band period. Read the rest of this article.