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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My Favorite...:The Stars of I Love You, Man

I Love You, Man is a movie about bros for bros (and those bros' significant others if they hafta tag along...sheesh!).  Not only is it the best comedy of 2009 so far, but it is chock full of funny people that I absolutely love.  In honor of this bro-tastic new bro-mantic comedy, I present my favorite bro-ments from the stars of I Love You, Man.

1. Jason Segel
How is it even possible to pick one favorite moment from Jason Segel's amazingly funny career? He was creepy and adorable as Nick Andopolis on Freaks and Geeks and even creepier as Lizzie's on-again, off-again boyfriend Eric on the severely underrated Undeclared (if you haven't seen this show, please, for the love of all that is holy, find a copy and watch it immediately). Comedy comes easy to Segel, who can make the infinitely odd and seemingly mundane the fucking funniest thing that has ever been uttered, like in this clip from a recent episode of How I Met Your Mother.  I give you...the fish list:

2. Paul Rudd
I know, I've posted this before, but this 1:03 clip from Wet Hot American Summer sums up quite well why I love Paul Rudd so damn much.

3. Thomas Lennon
I don't like to pick favorites, but in every cast of every sketch comedy show I've watched over the years, I always seem to gravitate toward one player more than the others.  With Monty Python it was Michael Palin; Kids in the Hall, Dave Foley; and as far as The State's concerned, Thomas Lennon is my man.  Here is on of my favorite sketches featuring Lennon and Michael Ian Black:

4. Andy Samberg
I want to say right off the bat, I am fanatical about the film Hot Rod.  I hold it in higher esteem than maybe it warrants.  I've always said since my first viewing a mere one year ago, that Hot Rod will one day take its rightful place next to The Jerk as a classic silly comedy.  Andy Samberg is a large part of why Hot Rod has become one of my all-time favorites. Because I can't decide which scene I like better (and because this is my damn blog), I'm posting two scenes from Hot Rod.  I urge you to pick up a copy of Hot Rod while your out procuring that copy of Undeclared I ordered you to watch earlier.  You will not be disappointed.  Unless you're some kind of humorless freak.

5. Jon Favreau
Funny, insane, and heartbreaking, this is one of my favorite movie scenes ever. Favreau is perfection.
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Wayans World: Where Comedy Goes to Die

Something funny happened at the movie theater I visited this past weekend. The wife and I, along with some friends, took in a mantinee of I Love You, Man, and, per usual, before the feature presentation, we were treated to a few trailers. The first one was for a remake of The House on Sorority Row, which seems worse than you could possibly imagine. It's got a few things going against it right from the start: 1) that brainless mannequin from The Hills Joel McHale always makes fun of has a starring role; 2) it's based on The House on Sorority Row; and 3) I may be wrong, but I don't think 4 Out Of 5 Doctors makes an appearance and, in my opinion, they are the singular reason the original film is not completely worthless.

The next two trailers were for films I'm quite looking forward to: Jody Hill's Observe and Report (starring Seth Rogen) and Judd Apatow's Funny People (also starring Seth Rogen). The audience enjoyed these trailers very much. We laughed. Some of us nudged our neighbors. The fourth trailer was for Harold Ramis' Year One (starring Jack Black and Michael Cera). The preview was funny and the audience responded with a variety of giggles, guffaws, and twitters. We were an audience primed and ready for the feature length comedy that loomed ahead. "We are officially ready to laugh, Mr. Hamburg! Give us all you got."

Alas, there was one final preview. I sat in stunned silence. Surely Regal Entertainment Group wasn't about to hit us with another hilarious film trailer. I've already busted my gut, sirs, are you looking now to split my sides as well? I warn you, you're looking at a lawsuit if you do any more laugh-related damage to my person.

Fortunately the trailer was for Dance Flick, the new cinematic abortion from the Wayans Brother's House of Shit. This movie looks so unfunny, that I actually felt angry. I considered storming out of the theater and demanding my money back (I'm glad I didn't--I Love You, Man was a delight, I'm just saying...). A dance movie spoof? Aren't dance movies already goofy enough? No, really. I don't know. I've never seen one of these ridiculous films.

And I was not the minority that afternoon. Absolutely no one in the theater was laughing. Some audience members seemed uncomfortable or embarassed, shifting in their stadium seats, avoiding eye contact with their significant other. It was as if a rape was being perpetrated in front of us, but we were all too frozen by fear and revulsion to move, like, maybe we couldn't believe it was happening right in front of us and if we closed our eyes it would vanish. When the trailer ended there was a collective sigh of relief, followed by yet another damn preview, this one for Star Trek (I've never had any interest in anything having to do with Star Trek and I still don't, but the movie might not be that bad, I guess). Thankfully, I Love You, Man started soon after and saved the afternoon, renewing our faith in the modern movie comedy.

(GEP is not including the trailer for Dance Flick with this post. You're welcome.)
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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sunday Bloody Sunday: The Prince Valiant Conundrum

The Sunday comics have gotten smaller.  Well, they've gotten smaller in Raleigh's News & Observer anyway.  Yep.  Every one of them.  Except Prince Valiant.

Now I've made no secret of my disdain for the funny pages over the years, heck, I created a feature on this blog to document this near constant disgust. But deep down I really love the funnies.  I've been a fan of Bill Amend's Fox Trot since it started, in fact, it was the only comic strip I read religiously until Mutts and Pearls Before Swine came along (I'm also quite fond of Mark Tatulli's Lio--I find it delightfully twisted).  And who can forget the classics: Calvin and Hobbes, The Far Side, and, yes, Peanuts (Note: I myself am not a fan of Peanuts, but just about everyone I associate with is and I can see why--it truly is a quality strip and an inspiration for many of the cartoonists of which I am a fan).  So, I don't hate the idea of the Sunday comics. What I do hate are the comic strips that don't try anymore or that were never funny and remain unfunny to this very day.  I know I give him a hard time on this blog, but Marmaduke was never funny.  And seriously, News & Observer, why the fuck did you bring Hi and Lois back?  Was there a public outcry for this waste of space?  I must have missed that one.

Regardless of how you feel about this comic strip or that one, the fact that the funnies have gotten physically smaller is alarming.  I'm not talking about fewer pages (although there are, in fact, fewer pages now), I'm talking about postage stamp-sized cartoons.  Pretty soon I'm going to need to bring a magnifying glass to the breakfast nook on Sunday mornings.  All my favorites, as well as all the strips I hate with a fiery passion, are getting smaller and smaller and smaller.

All of them except for Prince Valiant.  Yes, Prince Valiant still looms large and proud on page two of my Sunday funny pages.  Page three squeezes three comic strips into the space that Prince Valiant gets.  What the hell is up with that?  Does anyone actually read Prince Valiant anymore? Has anyone ever read Prince Valiant?  Sure, he's a great go-to reference when making fun of a friend's new haircut, but other than that, what purpose does his story serve? If I'm out of line tell me.  What is even going on in this ridiculous strip?  I remember three weeks in a row of Prince Valiant and the crew of some ship fighting a giant squid and that seemed kind of cool, but what's going on today?  Let's check it out.

OK.  Looks like some Beast Men are quarreling with some Weed Men (whatever they are) and some black dude is trying to help everyone reach a peaceable...who gives a shit?!  Nothing's going on.  It's like all those scenes in the galactic senate in the latest Star Wars trilogy: useless, confusing, and boring.  In fact, those are the exact adjectives I would use to describe Prince Valiant.  You know, Prince Valiant's had a good run--he's been adventuring around since 1937 for Pete's sake--so why don't we just give him a rest.  And a haircut.

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Sundae Morning Music: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen-"Ice Cream Crazy"

I kind of love this:

I'm going to learn how to play this song and perform it at every open mic night I can find!

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Saturday, March 28, 2009

Where The Wild Things Are

I never read the book when I was a youngster, so it doesn't hold a special place in my heart or anything, but this looks like it might be pretty good:

Plus, a screenplay by Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers.  

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

It's A Great Job If You Can Get It

Job #5: A dog whisperer

Description: Notice that I specifically used "a" and not "the" in the job title. You're not going to have your own reality TV show. And no one is going to buy your book on dog discipline, no matter how many hours you spent on Wikipedia researching everything. And, sure, it may take awhile for anyone in your community to even take you seriously (I mean, c'mon, a guy who "whispers" to dogs? It's preposterous!). But Cesar Millan can't get to every dog you needs him, so what's the harm in doing a little dog whispering of your very own? I don't see any reason not to, I mean, you don't have to be a licensed veterinarian. Right?

Skills Needed: high tolerance for stinky breath; pocket full of dog biscuits; must love dogs

Availability: Hell, you can start right now with my neighbor's dog, you know, the one who barks at the moon all night and recently mauled a toddler. That dog is a jerk.
Job #6: Hollywood Movie Star

Description: You know those people out in California who live in gigantic mansions and have more money than God? Yeah, how'd you like to be one of them? You don't even have to be particularly good at acting.

Skills Needed: willingness to align yourself with one or more of the following: Scientology, Kabbalah, tsunami relief fundraising, the Democratic party, rehab, Judaism, hookers; inflated sense of self; high tolerance for Billy Bush.

Availability: Hundreds of wannabes travel to Los Angeles every day hoping to be the next Dylan Sprouse or Julia Stiles. Prepare yourself for a possible detour into the hardcore porn industry. Or skip gang bangs and testicle punching (it's a thing) altogether, buy yourself a super hero costume, and join the has-beens and never-wases on Hollywood Blvd who pose with Japanese tourists for shitty tips. Keep that acting dream alive though and try not to snort too much meth.
Job #7: Vh1 Reality Game Show Contestant

Description: Humiliate yourself for cash, cultural infamy, and loveless sex with D-list celebrities. I don't know if you've noticed, but the most colorful Vh1 reality contestants end up getting their own shows (I Love New York; the upcoming Daisy of Love), so, you know, skank it up!

Skills Needed: ability to wear less than dental floss while tongue-kissing Bret Michaels on national television and still be able to face your family at the next holiday gathering; overactive salivary glands; a family history of alcoholism; a self-hatred so deep that it only becomes obvious to you after being rejected by Flavor Flav twice; Hello Kitty tattoos.

Availability: Vh1 is always looking for new tramps, skanks, and himbos. Sign up today!
Job #8: Cult leader

Description: Pick a god (or make one up!), type up a list of rules, mating rituals, and crazy predictions, gather a bunch of lonely outsiders together in some kind of compound, and, when the time is exactly right, have everyone ingest poison-laced Girl Scout cookies, for it is only in death that one can gain admittance to the solar-powered space train bound for Peroxi-Quan 9, the Planet of Angels.

Skills Needed: ability to preach insanely fucked-up dogma without cracking a smile; must look dashing in purple gown and shaved head; not being sentimentally attached to your testicles is a plus; access to a copier--you've got a lot of holy scripture to pass out before the Apocalypse comes.

Availability: I started two new cults last week--one of them prays to Riff-Nak, a god-like being with the body of a walrus and Dustin Hoffman's head who lives at the center of the Moon--so, you know, brainstorm some ideas and start throwing stuff out there until something sticks!

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Shameless Self-Promotion

BLEED, an online mini-series directed by Ben Snyder and written by yours truly, is still getting love.  Check out the short write ups here and here.  And if you haven't checked BLEED out yet, well, you can watch all three episodes right here.  All of this positive feedback is making it more and more likely that there will be a fourth episode in the near future.  Let's just say I'm pretty tight with the writer and he's currently working on a rough draft.  Stay tuned.

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

500 Days of Summer

This trailer is very appealing to me. Not only do I love the leads, but I'm a sucker for whimsical, off-kilter love stories (Amelie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Wall-e). And the trailer starts with a discussion about The Smiths. And he's listening to my favorite Smith's song. Here, just watch it:

The quirk factor that makes the trailer for 500 Days of Summer so damned appealing to me could also be the film's undoing. I don't have any high hopes for this movie, in fact, I only learned of its existence last night, but I'm rooting for it. Will 500 Days of Summer someday find a place on my hastily thrown together DVD shelves? We shall see.
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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Time to Celebrate!

Happy 56th Birthday, Louie!  

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What the WTF?: You're Tearing Me Apart, Lisa!

This is Lisa Connell. She is British, 29 years old, and dying of brain cancer. She is founder of the Web site Rent A Date for Charity which raises money for various brain tumor charities. Lisa may have terminal cancer, but she is not letting it stop her from doing some good on this planet before she leaves. For this she should be celebrated.

Lisa also wants to undergo
extensive plastic surgery to look like American actress/champion Cougar, Demi Moore. Yes, Connell is willing to shell out almost $60,000 to look like Demi Moore on her death bed. What the WTF?!

Naturally, Demi is speaking out via Twitter. "Wish I could contact this woman Lisa Connell who wants to have surgery to look like me and encourage her to not to! She is a beautiful girl," Moore tweets. You're right, G.I. Jane, Connell is a beautiful girl. She's also clearly insane. I mean, Demi Moore is a beautiful woman and I'm sure hideous people the world over would love to experience the benefits of that kind of beauty for even a second, but what kind of world do we live in when perfectly attractive people decide they want to be sliced and stitched to look like a carbon copy of somebody else? What kind of sociopath would even perform this surgery on someone?

You could argue that Connell is dying and that if spending the last few weeks of her life looking like Ashton Kutcher's missus makes her happy, well, good sense be damned! And she'd be using her own money, so who cares. But think about the people you are leaving behind, Lisa. They don't want to attend your funeral and see the star of Striptease in your coffin. They want to see you! They want to pay their last respects to Lisa Connell, not Hester Prynne.

I've got to side with Demi Moore on this one. I'm still not convinced she married the right star of That 70's Show, but she's definitely correct this time.
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Monday, March 23, 2009

It's A Great Job If You Can Get It

Record numbers of Americans are out of work all over this country. In these troubling times, gainful employment is imperative for survival, but many jobless citizens of this great nation find themselves confused, depressed, rendered unmotivated by the soul-crushing devastation they see around them. "How do you expect me to climb out of my lice-infested sleeping bag each morning, bathe myself in the men's room at Hardees, and set off on a job hunt when hopelessness surrounds me like a dense cloud of corpse-hungry flies?" We hear you, America, that is why until the current job situation starts to improve GEP will provide our readers with job ideas which will hopefully jump start your search for employment. It is, quite literally, the very least we can do. Job #1: Food Critic

Description: Who can't criticize food? This ham is too salty; these scrambled eggs are laughably unimaginative; this creme brulee tastes like snot wrapped in a Kleenex brand tissue--see?! Easy. People love to eat and criticize, so why not get paid to do it? Plus, food critics get sent to restaurants by newspapers and magazines, so you know what that means: free grub!

Skills Needed: vast quantities of pretentiousness; must be comfortable eating animal parts most people believe belong in a garbage bin.

Availability: GEP is looking for a qualified food critic. The job doesn't pay well (or at all) and you must purchase your own meals.

Job #2: Chairman of Kitchen Stadium

Description: As chairman of Kitchen Stadium on the popular Food Network program, Iron Chef America, actor Mark Dacascos performs acrobatics, talks funny, and makes whooshing noises with his hands. Then he sits down for an hour. He follows this hour of sitting with several minutes of eating. Sign me up, right?

Skills Needed: ability to perform a variety of flips and tumbles; must look good in suits; ability to say perfectly normal words in a strange, otherwordly fashion; must look Asiany.

Availability: Currently, Dacascos is still holding it down on Iron Chef America, but who knows, one of those flips might end badly one night and the position could open up for you...provided you are Asian. Job #3: IKEA Furniture Breaker-In

Description: You know when you go to IKEA and they have all those rooms set up and you sit down in a room you find particular inviting and the chair or couch is so friggin' comfortable you're fairly certain that despite the shuffling throngs of people surrounding you, you could totally fall asleep for a couple of hours? Someone's got to break that furniture in so that it's ready for public lounging, right? I mean, c'mon!

Skills Needed: high tolerance for sitting, lounging and relaxing; a fat ass.

Availability: I'm pretty sure this position doesn't exist, but perhaps the friendly Swedes at IKEA will stumble upon this post and like the idea. Job #4: Billy Mays

Description: Billy Mays is loud, excitable, and beardy. If these adjectives apply to you, you just might find yourself work as successful pitchman Billy Mays.

Skills Needed: ability to promote the Big City Slider Station with a straight face; must be fluent in yelling, screaming, or bellowing; must be able to grow a creepy beard on short notice; opposable thumbs.

Availability: There can only be one Billy Mays and until another Billy Mays challenges the current Billy Mays to a duel and sucessfully decapitates him, I'm afraid the position is currently filled.

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13 Band Names Better than Hoobastank

You know how I know the members of Hoobastank hate music? Because they have a stupid band name. Every music fan ever that has ever sat around with friends and talked about music ever, with or without drugs, has massive quantities of experience coming up with band names. Some are good, and some are bad, but I guarantee every single band name ever come up with in the history of the world ever is better than Hoobastank's band name, which is, buy the way, still Hoobastank.

You want proof? Here, then I'll give you proof. I'll sit down at my desk here and, as a little thought experiment if you will, come up with 13 band names, right off the top of my head, that are better than Hoobastank. Ready? Go!

1. Stapler
2. Ham Sandwich
3. Diet Pepsi
4. File Folder
5. Photograph of a Friend's Mother
6. Odd Titillating Feeling
7. Surreptitious Manipulation
8. Depraved Ecstasy
9. Inevitable Sense of Self-Loathing
10. Sticky Keys
11. Soggy Sandwich
12. Jewbastank
13. Salty Ham

See, I did it! Every single one of those band names that I swear I came up with right off the top of my head is a better band name than damn Hoobastank. Suck it, Hoobs. Pick a new name, or get off my iPod. Read the rest of this article.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Talkin' Politics: Is America Totally Doomed or Completely Screwed?

I met a man on the streets of Raleigh last week who had recently lost his job, been assaulted by his ex-wife, and was currently living in a forest. "I may live in the woods," he said gruffly, "but I'm a hard workin' sum bitch." My heart went out to this nameless citizen of the streets and I pondered the current economic situation in our country. That gave me a headache and I decided the only remedy would be to talk with my old friend Jordan Beall, GEP's political correspondent and owner/operator of his own blog, The BeAll End All.
GEP: What the fuck is going on?!?

Jordan: The economy is bad. First the real estate market melted with all the defaulted mortgages that suddenly hit. Then the banks and insurance companies that held these mortgages overextended themselves, took on too much debt. The markets went down because mark-to-market rules on company holdings caused their total value to go down and they lost more money (at least on paper), but that causes their stocks to tank and companies started laying people off or closing down. More unemployed people and fewer businesses making money means few tax payers, so now all the state and local governments are hurting for money and states like NC will start increasing taxes and fees or making cuts on jobs and services. So it's all a bad domino effect.

GEP: But dominoes are supposed to be fun. Remember Domino Rally?

Until recently all we saw on the nightly news and in our daily periodicals were stories about wacky celebrity antics, like Britney Spears' ongoing battle with batshit insanity, Lindsay Lohan's dysfunctional faux-lesbian relationship, and the latest addition to Brangelina's unholy brood. Now it's all doom and gloom and we're all going to lose our jobs and be forced to root through trash bins and landfills for sustenance. What needs to happen so we can return to the frothy celebrity stories of yore?

Jordan: According to Newsweek magazine, based on just the normal expect annual growth of the markets, it will take 8 years for us to the return to the level we were at in Sept '07. But that only starts once everything stabilizes. Until then I'm sure we'll get back into our normal celeb stalking. Perhaps Vanessa Hudgens will take another photo of herself. For the country's sake I sure hope so.

GEP: I can't disagree with that and wouldn't if I could. Incidentally, which celebrities have been hit hardest by the current economic downturn?

Jordan: Warren Buffett, the richest man in the world, lost over 50 percent of his portfolio's value last year. Now he's just the second richest man in the world. (Loser! *Chuckle*)
GEP: What has President Obama done right so far, in your opinion?

Jordan: Pres Obama hasn't had any effect so far. Congress passed his stimulus package, but that will take some time to kick in and show if it works. Theres already talk that a second stimulus needs to be done later this year. As far as fixing the banks and financial institutions, the Tres Secry Tim Gaitner has received an "F" for his communication skills explaining how the government will deal with the banks. No one yet knows what the plan is exactly. With the Treasury Dept, New York Reserve, Fed Reserve and Congress all involved in this rescue, there is worry there are too many involved and too much government oversight is just as bad as none at all.

GEP: When can our readers expect to lose their homes and get fired from their jobs?

Jordan: Well, if you work for a state govt office that deals with child support or teach special needs kids, expect to be unemployed and homeless by the end of the year. As for everyone else, you will be eating fancy steak dinners and drinking exotic liquors from the Orient. That is unless you notice your boss weeping in his office and everyone you work with getting really thin. Then brace yourself for trouble.

GEP: I just read in the paper that AIG is asking those who received bonuses to give them back, but they're not making it mandatory. I've heard convincing arguments on both sides, but what do you think about the AIG thing?

Jordan: Legally, I don't think anyone can do anything about it. I think it was poorly handled and the employees will get their bonuses, but I assume many of the employees will give them back. But this makes AIG look bad and will have hurt the company's image further. Don't be surprised if they change their name next year.

GEP: Finally, moving to Russian politics, have you seen this
chick yet:
GEP: Be honest: would you hit that?

Jordan: Hmmm, hard to say. Those pictures don't show much. And I have a weird feeling that Putin would be watching from a two way mirror or videotaping it for future distribution.
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Thursday, March 19, 2009

What the WTF???: The Pope vs. Condoms

Before we start taking any cheap shots at Pope Benedict XVI and his ridiculous claim that distributing condoms to the people of Africa will do more to increase the spread of AIDS, let's remember one very important fact: the pope has never had sexual intercourse. Of course he doesn't know how a condom works! Why would he? Did you know that the first time I ever used a condom, I too found myself confused and afraid? It's true. For some wacky reason I thought there was supposed to be a hole at the end. "So, the spooge just stays in here with my penis? OK! That's weird, but whatever!" Pope Benedict has never had a reason to use a condom, so it is totally understandable that he is ignorant to how the latex device works. Let's give the dude a break, all right, he's like 200 years old.

That being said, I have a real hard time believing that every Vatican employee is this profoundly stupid. Condoms do nothing to slow the spread of AIDS? Really, guys? See, the pope and his minions feel that a proper moral and responsible attitude toward sex is enough to stop the spread of AIDS in its tracks. Yes, once again, religion, not science, is the answer to society's woes. Only we're not really talking about simple, run-of-the-mill woes here, we're talking about fucking AIDS!
Thankfully not a lot of people outside the Vatican are putting much stock in this latest moronic decree. France and Germany have spoken out against the pope's rejection of condoms, as have several ministers currently active on the disease-ridden continent. Preaching the sanctity of marriage and family is all well and good, but outright denial of the benefits of condom use is insane. What about the poor woman who is violently and repeatedly raped by members of a roving band of guerilla fighters and unknowingly infected with AIDS, herpes, and a whole host of other shit? You think if she finally meets a man she can trust, a man who treats her with the respect she deserves, she should get married and consummate with some good old fashioned free range fucking? C'mon! Being married doesn't cure AIDS. Being preached at by a ghoulish-looking elderly man in sparkly robes whose never felt the sensual touch of a beautiful woman isn't going to eradicate the AIDS virus. If you really are dumb enough to believe that, it's a wonder that you have survived on the planet for this long.

Condoms are not the ultimate answer. They aren't 100% effective and the banana-flavored ones don't taste enough like bananas as far as I'm concerned, but they're a valuable tool in the seemingly endless war against AIDS. To completely disregard them is stupid move, but one I've come to expect from the religious community who for some reason view the distribution of condoms as an invitation to hump like coked-up rabbits, a golden ticket to a sinful world of erotic good times, when in reality it might just save a life.

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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Indulgent Rubbish

You do not do this!  Especially not you, Adam Lambert: 

I half expected the reanimated corpse of Johnny Cash to storm on stage and sloppily consume Adam's brain in front of the mystified audience.  This is nothing short of blasphemy!

Randy Travis, you could have stopped this.  I hold you partly to blame.

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Letter from an Idiot

(from the News & Observer-Tuesday, March 17, 2009-TV Q&A...for real!)

Q: I have been a sci-fi fan for as long as I can remember. I saw the original "War of the Worlds" with Gene Berry and I saw the remake with C. Thomas Howell. In the past few years, I have seen in TV listings a version starring Tom Cruise; every time I see it scheduled, I tune in, and the C. Thomas Howell version comes on. Then I recently saw a newspaper interview in which Dakota Fanning said how much she enjoyed making "The War of the Worlds" with Tom Cruise. Did he really make a version of it? --Bobbie West, Stanton, Calif

A: No, Bobbie, he didn't. It's all a conspiracy to drive you to insanity and Dakota Fanning is in on it.

Of course there's a version of War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise, you dimwit! What's wrong with you? You had to write a letter to the newspaper to find this out? Just turn on your computer or leave your house sometime. Were you aware we elected a new president? It was a pretty historic moment. You should look into it.

As further proof of the existence of a War of the Worlds featuring Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning, I'm including this picture:
I did not use Photoshop to create this photo, Bobbie. This is an honest to goodness still from Steven Spielberg's film, which was a box office hit, by the way. Were you in a coma during the summer of 2005? Geez!

You know, Bobbie, you're worse than those morons who call into the Allan Handelman Show when his guest is the guy. People actually call to ask this guy if and when their favorite TV shows are coming out on DVD. This dude then goes to his Web site, performs a quick search, and passes the information on to the caller. I'm serious, Bobbie. The phone lines are jammed when this guy is on the show! Rather than sit down at their home computer and do the five second research themselves, people call a talk show to have someone else do it for them. WTF?!

In conclusion, while it may be difficult to obtain a copy of Spielberg's War of the Worlds if your town doesn't have a Blockbuster Video, Best Buy, Wal-mart, Target, K-mart, internet access, or a Chinese guy selling bootlegs on a street corner, if you can get your hands on one, I think you'll really like it seeing as you've been a sci-fi fan for so long and all. Hope this helps.

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The Drunk of the Irish

GEP wishes everyone a happy St. Patrick's Day! Try not to die of alcohol poisoning.

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Sunday, March 15, 2009

Happy Birthday To You!

GEP wishes romance novel cover model and butter-substitute spokesman Fabio a very happy 48th birthday.  You made it, champ, now make the best of it!

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Sunday Morning Music: Winterband-"Where Babies Come From"

Bible-based Christian rock from a band of robed, bearded guys. 

(thanks to Nathan for sending me this one way back in January)

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Saturday, March 14, 2009

J. Lo's Low Blow

I want to start by saying that all this blathering I hear on NPR and talk radio about newspapers going the way of disco is disheartening. I have the local paper delivered to my house every morning and I skim it almost every other night. That there is a decline in newspaper readership I do not doubt, but don't let the industry die just because you prefer to get your daily news from the internet or blogs not devoted to celebrity gossip or rabid right/left wing ideology. Pick up a newspaper, friends. Not only do you get crossword puzzles, TV listings, and horoscopes, but if you search real hard amongst the furniture advertisements you may discover tiny blurbs relating to the housing crisis, the war in Iraq, and the complete breakdown of the world economy. Oh, and there's Marmaduke!

If I hadn't read the News and Observer this week I would have completely missed the story of Sheri Gilbert, a North Carolina woman who believes Monster-In-Law, the forgettable romantic comedy from 2005 starring Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez, is a rip off of a script she wrote over ten years ago. Sheri, with the help a high-powered lawyer and her castrated-at-least- metaphorically husband, is suing everybody involved with this box office failure for a cut of the profits, which, trust me, are far below those of, say, Iron Man or Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

So, Sheri, let me get this straight: you want people to associate you and your budding screenwriting career with Monster-in-Law? You really think suing for the right to add Monster-in-Law to your Hollywood resume is going to open a lot of previously locked doors? C'mon! You're either doing this on a dare or you suffer from severe emotional problems that require the ingestion of serious narcotics to regulate.

And Willie Gilbert Junior, you're really going to support your wife in this pointless quest? I'd be deeply embarrassed if my wife pursued a similarly retarded course of action, like, if she claimed to have written the screenplay for Apocalypse Now when she was an infant living in South Korea. I wouldn't stand beside her. I'd take a long vacation until the whole thing blew over.

Sheri claims that while watching Monster-In-Law she was able to accurately predict the plot's progression perfectly as it seemed to be following her copyrighted script exactly. What? You could predict what was going to happen before it happened in Monster-In-Law? A fucking drugged-up chimpanzee could figure out Monster-In-Law just by looking at the poster! In fact, I'll tell you what happens in Monster-In-Law right now, and I think we can all agree I am tons smarter than a doped-up monkey:

1. Man asks Woman to marry him and Woman accepts.
2. Man takes Woman to meet his Mother.
3. Woman and her future Mother-In-Law do not get along.
4. Man begs Woman to try to make things work and Woman does for a time until she is pushed too far.
5. Woman and future Mother-In-Law engage in battle of pranks, each more ridiculous than the last.
6. Woman and future Mother-In-Law realize they both love Man very much and agree to bury the hatchet.
7. An Event of Some Kind occurs and relationship between Woman and future Mother-In-Law stops being fake for Man's sake and becomes real.
8. Probably an Epilogue in which Woman gives birth to now Mother-In-Law's first Grandchild; Suggestion that there will be disagreements between Woman and Mother-In-Law in the proper raising of said Grandchild leaving the whole thing open for a Sequel.

Every romantic comedy in human existence is predictable, that's why stupid people make them #1 at the box office all the damn time. A lot of moviegoers enjoy the familiar. It makes them comfortable. The movie might be a horrendous waste of $9.00, but it didn't challenge them or surprise them in any way, so they leave happy.

Not only that, but have you ever seen a movie/television sit-com about somebody's mother-in-law in which the mother-in-law in question was a friendly, caring individual who only wanted what was best for her son/daughter-in-law? Of course not! "Mother-in-law" is synonymous with "bitch" in popular entertainment. The News and Observer offers examples, so that is all I'm going to say.

GEP is going to follow this story to its end, which I can say is probably as predictable as Monster-In-Law's.
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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Stop Already: Going Down on the Farm

A little while ago I started noticing an overabundance of bestiality-themed porn e-mails in my Hotmail junk mail inbox. The first one was real coy about the subject. "I know what girls do on the farm," it read in the subject line. I know what they do as well, I thought, cheerfully clicking the link to view what I thought would be a series of photos depicting farmers' wives and daughters milking cows, feeding chickens, and plowing fields. There was plowing going on, that's for sure, but it sure wasn't what I expected. "This isn't what girls do on the farm," I screamed in abject horror. "This isn't what girls do on the farm at all!" Some sinister foe had used my well-known love of farm life photography against me.

Did I miss something or is bestiality porn still illegal? Was it ever illegal? Is its illegality some wonderful dream I had one evening? No good can come from sexual congress between a confused young girl and a mighty stallion. It's bad for the horse and, good God, it's bad for the lady. I mean, holy shit!
We already slaughter and eat barnyard animals, why humiliate them further by having sex with them on film? There can't possibly be fans of this stuff, right? Oh, wait...I have a story.

Before meeting my wife through the assistance of Yahoo Personals, I met a young lady on its less commercial, far more trashy doppelganger, OK Cupid. We never met face to face, but we did online chat a few times and share an awkward phone call in which I was told that I sounded very sexy on the phone. That is neither here nor there and I'm sorry I brought it up.

For all intents and purposes let's call this young lady Ferret Girl because she let me know early on that she was the proud owner of two ferrets who, if I remember correctly, played house in her underwear drawer. She had also recently purchased a new puppy when we commenced our online flirtation. It was while we were discussing her new puppy that she told me she had recently watched a video of a woman being humped by a German shepherd and that it was something she was very interested in trying.

"You bought that puppy just so you could fuck it, didn't you?" I asked. She denied this, but God only knows what horrors that poor dog has been exposed to over the last few years. Trust me. I have, like, a ton more Ferret Girl stories, most of them pretty sick. I'll save them for later.
My point is that there is an audience for this stuff and that, to me anyway, is deeply disturbing. Usually I'm open to any and every weird thing people are into, but animal fucking is just way over the line. Maybe I'm closed minded. Seriously, bestiality fans, let me know if I'm missing something beautiful, primal even, about this whole animal porking thing. I bet there are people who drive by a petting zoo and think, "Now that would be one hell of an orgy."

Truly my biggest concern about the whole thing is why me? Why do I keep getting these e-mails? Did I get drunk one night and fill out an online survey indicating that I would like to be contacted about any and all new bestiality Web sites? I'll admit that in the past I've signed up for trial memberships at some less than family friendly Web sites, but never anything involving barnyard gang bangs. And it's not like anybody knew I was receiving these e-mails, I mean, I saw them in my junk-box and erased them immediately. I guess its just the principle. I don't enjoy the sexual defilement of animals and I'd rather not see it even mentioned in my inbox. So please weird, spammer guy or porn-bot or whoever is sending me this shit...

Please read this as "I don't have sex with my friends" and not "I don't have sex with George Bernard Shaw," though, personally, I am not interested in having sex with any animals or dead, Irish playwrights.
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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Clear your calendars...

I just ordered this:

When it arrives in 4 business days,
The Room party at my place!

(Read all about The Room here)

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Morrissey's 5 Most "Romantic" Songs

1. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out (The Smiths-The Queen is Dead)

Most "Romantic" Lyrics: "And if a double-decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.  And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us, to die by your side, well, the pleasure--the privilege--is mine."

2. King Leer (Kill Uncle)

Most "Romantic" Lyrics: "I tried to surprise you, I crept up behind you with a homeless chihuahua--you cooed for an hour.  You handed him back and said, "You'll never guess, I'm bored now."

Least Romantic Album Title: Kill Uncle (No one tried to talk you out of this title, Moz?)

3. You're The One For Me, Fatty (Your Arsenal)

Most "Romantic" Lyrics: "You're the one for me, fatty.  You're the one I really, really love."

Events Where Playing "You're The One For Me, Fatty" Would Probably Be Inappropriate: Your wedding, a romantic Valentines Day dinner at home, any time the girl you are interested in getting to third base with is around, renewal of wedding vows.

Appropriate Events: Chubby Chaser Speed Dating Nite at Golden Corral
4. To Me You Are A Work Of Art (Ringleader of the Tormentors)

Most "Romantic" Lyrics: "I see the world and it makes me puke, but then I look at you and know that somewhere there's a someone who can soothe me."

5. I Won't Share You (The Smiths-Strangeways, Here We Come)

Most "Romantic" Lyrics: "I won't share you.  I won't share you." 

Other Appropriate Categories: Creepiest Song, Most Repetitive Song, Final Tracks on Albums by The Smiths

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Monday, March 9, 2009

Morrissey's 5 Most Depressing Songs

They don't call him the Pope of Mope for nothin'. (Note: I do not call him the Pope of Mope.)
1. Let Me Kiss You (You Are the Quarry)

Most Depressing Lyrics: "But then you open your eyes and you see someone you physically despise, but my heart is open."

Weirdest Cover Version: Nancy Sinatra

2. Satan Rejected My Soul (Maladjusted)

Most Depressing Lyrics: "Satan rejected my soul, as low as he goes, he doesn't quite go this low."

Curious Song Feature: Deceptively peppy.

3. One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell (Years of Refusal)

Most Depressing Lyrics: "...Time grips you slyly in its spell and, before you know, goodbye will be farewell and you will never see the one you love again and the smiling children tell you that you smell."

To Be Honest: This is truly one of Morrissey's most depressing songs ever. He's still got it! (I'm going to go kill myself now.)
4. There's A Place In Hell For Me And My Friends (Kill Uncle)

Most Depressing Lyrics: "There is a place, a place in Hell, reserved for me and my friends. And if ever I wanted to cry, then I will because I can."

2nd Most Depressing Set of Lyrics: Can't read the lyric sheet through tears.

Clashes With: Song #2 on our list.

Other: Has the distinction of being on Most Depressingly Titled Morrissey Album.

5. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me (The Smiths-Strangeways, Here We Come)

Most Depressing Lyrics: "Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me. No hope-but no harm, just another false alarm."

Crying Yet?: No, there's just something in my eye.

Honorable Mention: That's How People Grow Up, I Have Forgiven Jesus, November Spawned A Monster, Suffer Little Children, I Am Hated For Loving, How Soon Is Now?, How Can Anybody Possibly Know How I Feel?, I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris
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Sunday, March 8, 2009

Morrissey's 5 Meanest Songs

In celebration of Morrissey's latest release and his current Tour of Refusal (which GEP will be attending when it stops in Durham this Wednesday!), we present the following series focusing on some of our favorite Moz tunes, old and new.
1. We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful (Your Arsenal)

Meanest Lyrics: "If we can destroy them, you bet your life we will destroy them.  If we can hurt them, well, we may as well."

Other Unnecessarily Mean Moments: Morrissey spends the bulk of the song laughing derisively at his so-called friends.

2. Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning (Vauxhall and I)

Meanest Lyrics: "It was only a test, but she swam too far against the tide.  She deserves all she gets;"  "Please don't worry, there'll be no fuss, she was...nobody's nothing."

3. Unhappy Birthday (The Smiths-Strangeways, Here We Come)

Meanest Lyrics: "I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday because you're evil and you lie and if you should die, I may feel slightly sad, but I won't cry."
4. It's Not Your Birthday Anymore (Years of Refusal)

Meanest Lyrics: "It's not your birthday anymore, there's no need to be kind to you and the will to see you smile and belong has now gone."

Conclusions: Morrissey hates birthdays.

Reaction: So mean and unexpected, that when I first heard this song in my car, I broke into a fit of hysterical laughter.  True story.

5. It's Hard to Walk Tall When You're Small (You Are the Quarry-Deluxe Edition)

Meanest Lyric: "Hey, Ringo, it's sad though because it's hard to walk tall when you're small...when you're small you walk as if you're falling."

Burning Question: Ringo Starr?  Is Morrissey feuding with him now too?

Would go well with: Short People by Randy Newman

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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

To the 1,000 Assholes Who Attended the Anti-Gay Marriage Rally in Raleigh Yesterday:

Really?  You're kidding, right?

Today's News and Observer includes a story about the We Hate Gays rally held in North Carolina's capital city yesterday afternoon.  There were 1,000 douchebags (i.e. Baptists) in attendance, all with the same goal in their narrow minds: keep the institution of marriage holy by keeping homosexuals from being able to do it.  Notice it wasn't a rally about banning divorce or spousal abuse. What's up with these Bible-thumpers anyhow?

"North Carolina law prohibits same-sex marriage, but advocates of the constitutional amendment say they want extra protections should a judge decide the current law is unconstitutional."

I'm not here to argue whether or not North Carolina's marriage policies are unconstitutional (they are), but I am utterly fascinated by the phrase "extra protections" in the above sentence from Yonat Shimron's article.  What do the Baptists need protectin' from?  It can't possibly mean protection from gay marriage, can it?  That would make Baptists (and a whole bunch of other Christian denominations--I'm not leaving you guys out) even stupider than we first imagined. So let me get this straight: evolution is a lie created by the Devil, abortion is always in every imaginable situation totally and completely wrong, and gay marriage is something we need to be protected from like tornadoes and pitbulls?  Do I have that right?  Idiots.
"Oh, pick me, I'm filled with the most hate!"

Perhaps I'm generalizing, being a tad unfair.  I haven't even let one of these hatemongers speak for themselves.  OK, Kim Cooley of Raleigh, why don't you tell us why you attended the rally yesterday.

"We need to tell our government...[that] the basic structure of society needs a biblical framework."

Society needs a biblical framework, huh?  Well, what about all those people who don't believe in the teachings or god of the Bible?  They should be subjected to all of the laws contained within? Sorry.  Wrong.  One of the greatest features of American society is that we as human beings are free to pursue any religion we please or, gods forbid, no religion at all.  You're free to be a Bible-quoting, church-attending, Upward basketball coaching Christian, while your neighbor is free to follow whatever crazy alternative to your crazy religion he wants.  We don't need a biblical framework, Kim, we need a society built on equality and mutual respect for every citizen be they gay, straight, black, white, Christian, Muslim, Jew, or Mormon.  Well, maybe not Mormon.  

The fact that gay people cannot be legally married in this country is atrocious.  That is a whole cross section of the country being denied its basic human rights.  That should make you angry, Kim.  Unfortunately, I think it probably fills you with glee.  That confuses me.  Oh, well.

I haven't even gotten to rally speaker David Gibbs III.

"David Gibbs III, a lawyer who in 2005 fought to keep brain-damaged Terri Schiavo on life support, told rally participants gay marriage would "open the door to unusual marriage in North Carolina.  Why not polygamy, or three or four spouses?" Gibbs asked.  "Maybe people will want to marry their pets or robots."
First, "three or four spouses" is polygamy, dipshit.  Second, if marrying a common household pet can guarantee my safety from random tiger attacks, I'm all for it.  And, thirdly, robots?  Robots!?! If you are aware of a forthcoming robot invasion, Mr. Gibbs III, you better let us all in on it.  For now I think we're all relatively safe from the cold, metal clutches of Marriage-Bots.  And, hell, maybe when robot ownership is a reality (and Gibbs III's statement implies that day isn't far off), robots will either be programmed not to enter into relationships with their human overlords or so almost-convincingly human that not marrying them will be an impossibility. For now let's just worry about getting equal rights for everybody and deal with the robots later.

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