Love for LOST

Happy 100 Episodes, LOST!

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Phobia A-Go-Go: Phase 2

5.) Paedophobia: Fear of babies

I do not suffer from this particular affliction, I just don't like to hold other people's babies. Why? Well, what if I drop the thing?  It's perfectly OK to drop your own baby onto a concrete floor, but if I do it, well, that's when all sorts of legal issues pop up. I'm content just looking at your baby from a safe distance, that way I won't accidentally drop it on the floor, toss it playfully into a ceiling fan, slide it Old West-style down a whiskey-soaked bar, or slam its head in a car door.

Like I said, I don't fear babies, but I do fear the following things associated with babies: projectile vomit, projectile feces, spontaneous abortion, mutation as a result of botched, brothel-abortion, projectile urine, strained carrots, public breast feeding.

6.) Proctophobia: fear of rectums

I must admit, I don't really understand this fear.  The rectum?  Really?  Is it a fear of having something lodged in your rectum like a gerbil or your secret lover's thumb?  The rectum isn't out there causing a scene, mixing things up, or getting all up in your face (unless you're into that sort of thing, you know, porn-wise), so what's your beef with it, proctophobics?  

According to the Urban Dictionary, proctophobia is most commonly experienced by fenskers. I'll let you read up on that by yourself, in fact, before you click that link, why not send your kids out to play.  Take your time.  We'll be here when you get back.
7.) Chirophobia: fear of hands

I wasn't afraid of hands until I found the above picture on the internet.  Now I'm terrified of hands. Stop touching me!
8.) Oneirogmophobia: fear of wet dreams

Imagine you are a pre-adolescent boy sleeping peacefully.  Now imagine that you begin to dream. This isn't the usual dream where you're being chased by King Koopa through the mall in nothing but your underwear, no, this is a new kind of dream...a dream with boobs in it.  You're confused, but aroused.  Until now the only boobs you've seen are your grandmother's and they nearly hang down to her wrinkly, old knees.  But these boobs--these dream tits, if you will--well, they're something brand new, something special, something with nipples.

Then, in a flash, you're awake and your Pokemon boxer briefs are full of a sticky, white goo. How do you feel?  Freaked the hell out?  Now you kind of know what it's like to have a wet dream. You're welcome, ladies.

A young man's first wet dream can be a very traumatizing experience.  He may have several questions, none of which he will ever ask his father, guidance counselor, or creepy babysitter who makes him poop with the bathroom door open.  "Am I leaking?" he may ask himself.  "If I keep dreaming of boobies and making a mess of my underpants, will I go to Hell?"  All valid questions that will never be answered by anyone ever.  The plight of the oneirogmophobic is a dark one and I don't wish it on anyone, except you, Jordan!

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Catching Up With Ted Haggard

Sometimes in the still, quiet moments before the sun fully rises, I like to stroll through the seventy acres of vineyards I own and maintain with the help of a crack team of Mexican laborers (all currently swine flu free), cross the footbridge me and my son Tyler built last summer, climb the sycamore that overlooks the valley, and think about Ted Haggard.  I wonder about his hopes for the future, what he's up to, and how he'd react if one of his sons ever turned out to be the kind of gay that can't be cured with Bible study and forced, unpleasant sexual intercourse with the wife he betrayed.  Then I strangle a squirrel and make the long trek back to the farmhouse for breakfast and a long, deep cry. 

Ted Haggard, if you don't recall, is the former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of the New Life Church, one of those gaudy, awful megachurches, in Colorado City, who fell from grace, as it were, when it was discovered that he'd used the services of a male prostitute for drugs and sexy good times.  After being outed and disgraced by Mike Jones (not this one) and inspiring thousands of late night monologue jokes, and at least one atrociously unfunny acoustic ditty, Ted Haggard kind of disappeared.  But what did he do during his time away from America's prying eyes?

Well, first he stopped being gay.  Then he started tedhaggard.com.  What is the goal of this new internet endeavor?  Fuck if I know, but, damn, that weinie roast looks fun! Seriously, through the Web site and MMGI Hope Inc, the Haggards help poor people and single mothers in some way that is never made clear.  I mean, shit, did you try to navigate that site?  WTF? 

Recently, Haggard and his empty shell of a wife have been traveling all over this great land of ours, popping in at churches for unenlightening Q&A sessions (like this one in Charlotte, NC last Sunday) and appearing on the TV show Divorce Court.  Ted Haggard is also an avid Twitter and Facebook user.

So, when you take your morning vineyard stroll tomorrow, think on Ted Haggard and his miraculous salvation from the horrors of homosexuality and obscurity.  Don't dwell on the notion that Haggard has more than likely sold the last remaining shred of his soul to the Dark Lord for another 15 minutes of fame or that new allegations of gay misconduct came to light in early 2009; think on the blessings of his new life as a closeted, egomaniacal bigot.  Amen.

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Phobia A-Go-Go

Next weekend I will be joining my family on the high seas for an aquatic adventure. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a little leery of the whole thing. I've never been on a boat for an extended period of time. Sure, I've floated lazily in a canoe and taken a loop around Lady Liberty on the ferry, but I've never lived on a cruise ship for three days. The idea of being stuck on something in the middle of the ocean terrifies me, not to mention the possibilities of iceberg collisions, Somali pirate attacks, and leviathan encounters. Every day this cruise feels like less of a vacation and more of a boat ride to a watery hell.

Most likely, I will return to the sweet shores of America untouched by rascally pirates or sea madness (which is like space madness with one glaringly obvious difference), but deep down the irrational fear persists. Sometimes it's best to talk about these feelings with friends, and just in case you, dear reader, were not aware, I consider you, personally, one of my very best. This week GEP is going to showcase those fears and phobias that often get ignored by the mainstream media. We hope it will help those who suffer in secret, those who are embarrassed to admit their darkest fears to family and friends, those who want their crazy, irrational fears to be justified by a sarcastic, pop-culturing skewering blog. Remember, there is nothing to fear but fear itself. And gay marriage.

I realize this photo is probably unpleasant for melissophobics as well.

1.) Anthophobia: fear of flowers

Wives, have you ever considered that the reason your husband never brings you flowers is because he is deathly afraid of them and not, as you believe, a thoughtless douche? According to PhobiaFearRelease.com, an anthophobic may become dizzy, nauseous, or stark raving mad when placed in close proximity to daises, sunflowers, or roses. Is that what you want your husband's thoughtful gesture to become, a terrifying ordeal of hellish proportions? I hope not.

There is no known 100% cure for anthophobia, but PhobiaFearRelease.com suggests "energy therapy," claiming that it works 85% of the time. I don't know how they came to this very specific number, but who gives a damn, right? What is energy therapy? Well, I'll tell you what it's not: easy to find any straightforward description of energy therapy. By and large, the medical community frowns upon energy therapy, refers to it as quackery. Quackery? Really? But check out this sweet ass electro-metabograph machine. You're telling me that a machine that technologically advanced is a worthless hunk of crap? If someone said I could hook myself up to the electro-metabograph machine and magically be cured of my extreme fear of cacti, I'd say, "hook those electrodes to my balls and rev that puppy up." There's no reason to go through life afraid of bouquets and boutonnieres when pseudoscience is ready and willing to electrocute us healthy.

2.) Caligynephobia: fear of beautiful women

If the above photograph has driven you into hysterics, you might suffer from caligynephobia; that or you still haven't forgiven Natalie Portman for V for Vendetta. Either way, caligynephobia is real and caligynephobia kills.

OK. I don't know if it caligynephobia kills, but it is totes real. We've all been there. You approach a beautiful woman at a bar or a church picnic or a Porta-John at Lollapalooza, and your palms get sweaty, your mouth gets dry, and your penis gets all hard and pointy. You stand there in front of her gaping like a cod and she's thinking, "Oh, geez, another spazz wants my digits--why did you make me so astronomically attractive, God?" Some people, however, never get over this irrational fear of the attractive and large-busted. These people are known as caligynephobics, or "dorks."

Change That's Right Now (CTRN) claims to be able to cure men and women of their crippling caligynephobia through a series of videotapes. Efron-haired hot guy, Bryan Bodine, shares his personal story to encourage other caligynephobics to come out of hiding and live their lives fear of super hot chicks-free. CTRN should probably add that it's easier to cure someone who looks like Bodine rather than, say, Larry the Cable Guy.
3.) Domatophobia: fear of houses; being in a house

I know a lot of you out there hate homeless people. Don't try to refute it. I've seen you ignore the lady who sits outside of the parking deck and asks for spare change. I've watched you disregard that guy who stands on the median near the mall with his flimsy cardboard sign and money bucket. Remember the time that homeless guy asked if he could pray with you and you said OK and then after his rambling prayer was finished he asked for five more dollars and you refused? I was there. Laughing.

There are close to 3.5 million homeless people in America right now, 1.4 million of them actual children. It's a sad fact, but it's probably pretty close to being somewhat true. These aren't people who've decided working and not eating out of dumpsters isn't for them. These are people who have lost their jobs and homes because of this shitty economy of ours. These are women with toddlers who have run away from abusive husbands and have no place safe to go. And some of these people are domatophobia sufferers.

To many of us, the thought of someone literally being afraid to set foot in a house is stupid, ludicrous, and stupid. However, the thought of being cooped up behind locked doors with a roof over their heads and a refrigerator full of cold cuts and wine coolers, not to mention cabinets for fresh bread and canned corn and closets full of warm sweaters and fresh underwear and private showering facilities is anathema to a domatophobic.

Wow. That is kind of stupid. If you suffer from domatophobia, you should probably just get over it.
4.) Nelophobia- fear of glass

Who wouldn't be afraid of glass. Just look at the damage it can cause:

Nelophobics have got the right idea. Glass totally sucks.

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It's Official...

Giant Electric Penguin has joined the Twitter-verse.  If it's good enough for Oprah, it's good enough for us.  Join Twitter today and follow us for what I'm sure will be the most intellectually stimulating experience you've ever had on the interwebs.  We'll be the one's named "giantpengy."  

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America Loses Another Golden Girl

Bea Arthur, star of popular situation comedies Maude and The Golden Girls and the butt of endless "Bea Arthur is a man" jokes at various "celebrity" roasts over the years, died Saturday. She was 86 years old and absolutely not a man, so don't even start, Greg Giraldo!

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Sunday Morning Music: Tay Zonday -"Internet Dream"

I too have let the dishes turn green while in pursuit of my own internet dream, so Tay Zonday's song hits especially close to home for me.  Internet Dream is a damning indictment of those who use the internet to achieve marginal amounts of ironic fame among people who comb the internet looking for geeks and weirdos to insult and exploit on their blogs.  
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A Hannah Montana:The Movie Update

A concerned citizen, who read my April 13th article about how unfair it is that in this modern age a 30 year old man cannot go see Hannah Montana: The Movie without being suspected of perverse tendencies, has agreed to accompany me to a showing of the film, which is currently #3 at the box office.  To this wonderful man I extend my heartfelt appreciation for his kindhearted act. I will be sure to provide a full report of our outing on the pages of GEP in the near future.

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5 Lamest Examples of Feline Abuse Being Used for Laughs in Popular Entertainment

Go ahead, accuse the GEP staff of being a bunch of cat-huggers.  We are and we're proud.  In an effort to expose the media's obvious bias against those mammals of the feline persuasion, we present a very special 5 Lamest.  Cat abusers beware--we've got your number...

Not your phone number or anything, I mean, we're not going to prank call you at all hours of the night or whatever.  We don't have to get the authorities involved in this, do we?  This is between me and you, OK?

Anyway, here's the post.

1. Peter Griffin murders Quagmire's cat: Regular viewers of the FOX animated program Family Guyt were treated to a brutal cat slaying last Sunday night that left at least one watcher (you can't see it, but I'm totally pointing at myself right now) cold and mirthless.  While attempting to prank a newly sissified Quagmire by shaving his cat, Peter, who brought along a straight razor as opposed to an electric one, accidentally killed it...six times!--the joke being, of course, that cats have nine lives.  Absent, oddly enough, was a "shaved pussy" joke.  The episode went on to be one of this season's funniest, but it's first act will be forever tainted by a sickening act of feline homicide I won't soon forget.

2. The Cat Scene from Boondock Saints:

It's not surprising that a large number of fans of the cult-classic-but-why-exactly? film Boondock Saints love the above scene: by and large, Americans hate cats.  Why is this?  I blame the "dog people" of this country who have declared us a Dog Nation, completing ignoring the millions of us who happily choose to share our homes and lives with cats.  Imagine if the above scene involved the shooting death of a puppy, like this one?  Would you be so quick to giggle then, dog people?

3. Kitten Cannon: Kitten Cannon allows budding serial killers to practice the delicate art of feline abuse in the comfort of their own homes.  Firing a sweet, widdle kitten out of a futuristic cannon into a field rife with trampolines, blood-soaked metal spikes, rockets hanging precariously from balloons, and man-eating plants may seem like innocent fun, but in reality it is a sick exercise designed to desensitize America's children to the idea of cat murder.  I'm only providing the link so you can witness the horror for yourself--I am in NO WAY suggesting that you devote any time out of your day to playing this wretched piece of garbage.  

4. Cat Hacky Sack:

Not only is last summer's You Don't Mess With the Zohan one of the least funny comedies of all time, it's also a cat haters wet dream.  There are two (TWO!!!?!!) cat hacky sack scenes--we've provided the more disturbing one for your consideration.  The Zohan, played by notorious anti-feline activist Adam Sandler, urinates on a cat's head in another troubling scene.  Again, I ask you, America, if Zohan and his buddies were kicking this puppy back and forth to each other, would the nation's movie houses still ring out with the sounds of your degenerate laughter?

5. Bonsai Cat: While this turned out to be a hoax, it takes a sick mind to think shoving a poor, defenseless kitten into a glass jar is in any way humorous.  I remember when this site first appeared on the internets.  I realized right away that it was a joke--a twisted, severely misguided one, but a joke nonetheless.  A lot of other people did not.  In fact, in 2001, the FBI investigated Bonsai Cat and PETA still circulates a petition calling for it's demise.  The MIT students responsible for the hoax have explained they were trying to make some kind of point or whatever, but that doesn't change the fact that for a short time nine years ago they had cat lovers and animal rights advocates collectively fuming and plotting violent retaliation.

If you have some examples of cat abuse in the media that we missed, please let us know in our comments section or at giantpengy@yahoo.com.  Namaste.

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It's A Great Job If You Can Get It presents You Got The Job...Now What?

I've worked in an office environment for over two years now, so I think I know a little something about winning friends and influencing people in the workplace. Today's installment of our popular Great Jobs series is designed to help newly employed schmoes like youself prosper in an office-type setting.  Let's get started.

1. Decorate your work work area with things you like (pictures of babies, well-known quotations, a plush cactus that dances to the radio, etc.)--this will spark conversation with your fellow employees.  For example, a few months ago my wife colored a picture of Hello Kitty and her friends enjoying a traveling circus and presented it to me as a gift.  I took it to the office and hung it in my cubicle.  Now, at least once a week, one of the attorneys at work will stop me in the break room to ask me an awkward Hello Kitty related question that I can't possibly even begin to answer.  

2. Be prepared--memorize some popular office exchanges and use them often.  

Example 1

Employee #1: How was your weekend?

Employee #2: Not long enough!  Sheesh!

Example 2

Employee #3: How's it going?

Supervisor: What day is it?

Employee #3: Wednesday.

Supervisor: Ask me again on Friday.  (I participated in this very conversation on the elevator yesterday!  Fun!)

Example 3

Employee #4: Did you see Cathy's new haircut?

Employee #5: Cathy's a bitch.

Employee #4: I wish it was Friday.

Employee #5: I know, right?

3. Practice and perfect a fake laugh--this is essential for gaining the respect and trust of your immediate supervisor, fellow employees, and that member of the janitorial staff with the porn mustache and the Jheri curl.  You know the one--he's always looking you up and down, smoothing that mustache with his tongue, trying to show you pictures of his godson.
4. Be on everybody's side--don't choose a team, don't share your honest opinion--figure out the opinion of whoever you're talking to and make it your own for at least the duration of the conversation.

5. Don't give out too much information about yourself up front--remain a mystery for as long as you can.  For example, people in my office still aren't aware that I don't care for Hot Pockets or that I have in my possession undeniable proof that the sit-com ALF is based on a true, ongoing story.

6.  Keep detailed records of every single thing you do--someone will try to screw you, so you've got to be protect yourself.  It's a lot easier to shift the blame for a fuck-up to somebody else when you have notarized documents and photographic evidence.

7. Don't trust anyone ever!  They're jackals--all of 'em!  

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Happy Earth Day

Make sure to tell the Earth you love it today.

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Wednesday Morning Music: Ladytron- "Ghosts"

Night of the Lepus meets The Hills Have Eyes meets Ladytron.  A great band.  A great song. Lots of bunnies.
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What's The Controversy Exactly?

Chances are you've already heard about Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean's answer to gossip blogger/Miss USA judge Perez Hilton's question about gay marriage on Sunday night.  When asked if she thought every state should follow Vermont's lead and legalize gay marriage, Prejean expressed her opinion that the institution of marriage should be reserved strictly for heterosexual couples.  Hilton's mouth drooped into an adorable pout and supporters on both sides of the issue responded with either claps of support or hoots of derision.  And then came the fallout.  Perez Hilton appeared on The Early Show Tuesday morning expressing his shock and dismay at Prejean's answer, explaining that as a citizen of California, a state that recently passed (with the help of those industrious Latter-day Saints) Proposition 8 which outlaws homosexual marriage, Prejean should have been more careful with her wording. Here's my question: why?

Listen, I'm a huge advocate of gay marriage and I personally don't agree with Prejean's opinion, but that's the thing, it's her opinion.  You asked her the question, Perez, and you got her honest answer.  Maybe it wasn't the answer you were hoping for, but oh well. (Watch the interview with Perez on The Early Show to witness his inflated notion of what it means to be Miss USA.)
Why does her opinion shock anyone?  61% of Americans are opposed to gay marriage.  Here are some things about the whole situation that I find infinitely more shocking:

1. The Miss USA Pageant actually airs on network television.  Did any of you even know it was on?

2. People take Perez Hilton seriously enough to invite him on a morning chat show to talk about this ridiculous non-story.

3. Prejean is taking a huge shit on Miss North Carolina Kristen Dalton's big win by telling the media that if it hadn't been for her answer to the gay marriage question she would have been crowned Miss USA.  Why don't you kiss North Carolina's ass, you homophobic skank.

4. Miss North Carolina is smokin' hot. (That isn't shocking--I'm just saying.)

5. Everybody is harping on Prejean for her views on gay marriage and completely missing the fact that she endorses "opposite marriage" wholeheartedly.

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The Year's Most Anticipated Film (Right?)

I don't know what's it like where you live, but 'round here you can't go anywhere or watch anything without being bombarded by advertisements for the upcoming film Obsessed. On TV, on the radio, beamed into my head by rogue satellites while I sleep--I can't seem to escape this movie. It's gotta be the greatest thriller of all time, right? And just look at the cast: the guy who plays the new boss on The Office, that chick from Heroes, Sasha Fierce's notoriously dull alter ego, and Jerry Fucking O'Connell--Mr. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O'Connell himself. (Fun Fact: According to biographical info on his IMDB page, Mr. O'Connell's trademark is that he wears a wristwatch. Who knew?) This movie's got everything going for it: hot chicks, sexual situations, Jerry O'Connell--it's destined to be a classic, right?

Here's the problem: it looks really bad. You know, I didn't like this movie when it was called Fatal Attraction. It is a hackneyed story filled with stock characters played by a bunch of people no one would ever pay to see on the big screen. I mean, what is the most memorable thing you've seen Ali Larter do? That's right--she's the girl who farted and almost ruined a jewel heist in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, quite possibly the most expendable of Kevin Smith's adventures in the View Askewniverse. I think she wore a bikini made of whipped cream in something called Varsity Blues as well, but you get my point.

I think I understand why we're being flooded with Obsessed propoganda on an hourly basis, but I'm ready for it to stop. I don't care how many times during NBC's Comedy Night Done Right I get to see Beyonce Knowles pounce on Ali Larter like a bloodthirsty ferret or Idris Elba stare off into the middle distance all concerned and handsome (so damn handsome...) or Jerry O'Connell do whatever it is he does: I know the movie sucks and I will be avoiding it like the plague.

Thank the Lord it comes out Friday. If I have to hear Beyonce growl "she came into my home--she touched my child" one more time, I'm going to hurt someone, most likely myself.

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Sunday Morning Music: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen-"Bravery"

Mary Kate and Ashley on bravery:

I don't get it.  At the beginning, are they scared or just chilly?  And seriously, how much bravery does it take to try buttermilk?  Also, at 0:56, does Mary-Kate (or Ashley) say she's sat on Satan's lap?  That would explain a helluva lot.

In my most beautiful dreams, Reh Dogg records a cover version of this song. Oh, I wish, I wish, I wish...

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Alternative Religion Smack-Down: The Results

For: clever title; Dr. Jerry Bergman's stamp collection story; perhaps the least likable alternative religion in our limited survey.

Against: interview subjects speak as if they are addressing preschoolers; Duane Magnani's creepy beard.




For: kick-ass cover art; myths, urban legends, and outright lies presented as truth = funny good times; former Temple of Olympus priestess' theory that founder, Fat Guy Draped in Blue Bed Sheet, created cult simply to force women to perform "lesbian dances" for him (is there any other reason to start a cult?).

Against: myths, urban legends, and outright lies presented as truth = lazy, stupid, and hatemongering; for the last time, leave Dungeons & Dragons nerds alone.



For: the story of the Mormon church in cartoon form; Family Home Evening actually seems like a pretty good idea, you know, once you take the Mormon stuff out of it; the discussion of Mormon archaeology.

Against: lame attempt at connecting Mormonism to Satanism; insistence that Mormon leaders are striving to destroy families.



For: the film's outdated view on yoga is pants-wettingly hilarious; the suggestion that since Jesus wasn't a vegetarian, naturally, vegetarianism is wrong is also shorts-soakingly laughtastic; gurus are truly the world's biggest a-holes.

Against: the nearly hour long focus on the evils of yoga, meditation, and positive thinking; smug Christian talking heads. 


And the winner is...GODS OF THE NEW AGE.  Paranoid, outdated, misguided, and endlessly entertaining, GODS is a triumph of Christian fear mongering.  Once in awhile the filmmakers stumble onto something truthful and thought provoking, but it's usually either an accident or a glaringly obvious fact to anyone with a brain, for example, the hypocrisy of the Hindu "god men." GODS denigrates the ideas of self-reflection, positive thinking, self-esteem, and meditation.  It also equates practicing yoga with Satan worship (essentially) and warns that Hinduism's continued influence will eventually transform the citizens of the United States into goose-stepping Nazis.  GODS OF THE NEW AGE features insane Christian people talking about insane Hindu people and that is why it is the winner of GEP's ALTERNATIVE RELIGION SMACK-DOWN!

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BM + TP 4-EVER (or until season 4 starts)

The third season of Rock of Love is behind us and Bret Michaels has a new fake girlfriend, 2009 Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya Parker.  An aging rock star and a rising porn starlet--how original.  But seriously, I wish them the best of luck, though I'm certain by the time I finish writing this sentence, Bret and Taya will have decided to break up and go their separate, but equally sleazy, ways.  Oh, Universe, will Bret Michaels ever find true love on TV?  What more must he do?  He's purchased the finest hair extensions money can buy, single-handedly made bandannas cool again (right?), and filled our empty lives with the joy of song (he wrote "Every Rose Has Its Thorn", for God's sake!)--so, what gives?

This season's concept--love on a fleet of tour buses--was a novel one as far as TV dating reality game shows are concerned, so what can producers do to make a fourth season simultaneously alluring to Bret Michaels, lonely tattooed skanks, and a jaded viewing public?  GEP has some suggestions, almost none of them serious.
1. Rock of Love Sub: You've toured this country's redneck bars and state fairs, Bret, so why not hop on a submarine and take your crappy music to those living on the ocean floor?  I've never been, but I've heard Atlantis has some kick ass music venues.  And just think of all the "seamen" puns you can make (It sounds like "semen," get it?  Classic!)!  What could more fun then a fading 80's hair-band front man stuck on a sub with twelve bitchy sluts?  That's right--nothing!  At Elimination, after you inform that week's unlucky girl that her tour is over, she is immediately shot torpedo-style into the vast blue ocean.  And remember, it's not the crabs outside of the sub with which you should be concerned.
2. Rock of Love...In Space: Just about everything is better in space (pigs, for instance), so why not launch Bret and his skank squad into the great unknown?  Remember, in space no one can see you dance lewdly on Bret Michael's lap...unless a Vh1 camera crew is there to film the whole thing.
3. Rock of Love In An Elevator: I have this sexual fantasy where I'm trapped in an elevator with 12 to 13 half-naked Thai sex workers (sometimes one of them is a dude and half the fun is finding out which one it is).  Now I know Vh1 has to appeal to a wide audience, so filling season four's elevator with nothing but Thai prostitutes would be a bad move on their part, but with a little tweaking, my weird, sick fantasy (trust me, there's more to it that you do not want to know about...) could be a ratings winner.  I know, I know--how will Bret pull of Mudbowl IV in a cramped elevator?  Well, I've got some ideas (call me) and I think you may be pleasantly surprised.  In such close quarters, scratch fights are a concern, but don't worry, Big John will be there to break up any shit that may go down.  Or up.
4. Rock of Love Rotting Whale Carcass: Like Rock of Love In An Elevator, only inside the rotting carcass of a whale.

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Good News!

Enjoy the entire Cigarette Juice saga from the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! season four finale.
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Alternative Religion Smack-Down: Film 4

Title: Jehovah's Witnesses: A Non-Prophet Organization

What the heck?: In 1995, Duane Magnani and his closest friends got together for a videotaped dissection of Jehovah's Witnesses—Proclaimers of God's Kingdom, which claims to be the 100% truthful history of the Jehovah's Witness organization.  Magnani and the others (all former "slaves" to the organization) speak on a variety of topics concerning the church, usually in tones more befitting to the education of young children or mentally challenged apes. Though the talking head interviews are chuckle inducing and the production values scream "office training video" more than "hard-hitting documentary," the organization is exposed as an insidious group of liars and opportunists.  You might be onto something, Magnani.  Now if someone could just extract the stick from your anus.
What's to like: 1) A running time of 45 minutes.  2) The delightfully nerdy Dr. Jerry Bergman and his tragic story of the family stamp collection he sold in preparation for Armageddon which church prophets had predicted would occur in 1975.  Bergman is like Dr. Frink mixed with any Amish gentleman you've ever seen.  3) Church founder Charles Taze Russell's theory that if a dog had a head shaped like a man's head, the dog would be able to think like a man.  I don't know if I like that idea so much because it exposes what a complete charlatan Russell was or if thinking about a dog with a man head makes me smile.  4) The advertisement for a 13 part series of videos from our friends at Jeremiah Films.  Some of the titles in this series, delightfully titled Pagan Invasion, include: Halloween: Trick or Treat?; Invasion of the God Men; Doorways to Satan; Evolution: Hoax of the Century; and my personal favorite, Joseph Smith's Temple of Doom. If you know of any way I can get my hands on this amazing series of videotapes, I will be forever indebted to you.

What's to not like: The Jehovah's Witness organization itself.  At the conclusion of the film, I wondered how the church even recruits new members, let alone holds on to the suckers they duped years ago into believing their end of the world bullshit.  Did you know that Jehovah's Witness believe that Jesus returned to Earth in 1914 and has been running the show invisibly from his throne in Heaven ever since?  That's right--the Second Coming was an event so insignificant that it didn't interrupt anything important.  Jesus Christ didn't make his return to the planet common knowledge, instead he poked his head in, said hello to the Witnesses, and hightailed it back to Heaven for his 1,000 year reign of invisibility.  Whether your believe in the Second Coming or not, the Jehovah's Witness explanation is pretty stupid, as is the fact that they've predicted that the world would end after WWII and in the years 1975 and 1999.  Oops!

The truth:  Really, Jehovah's Witnesses?  You're sticking with this thing?  For reals?  Do whatever you want, just keep it off my front porch.

STAY TUNED FOR OUR THRILLING CONCLUSION...

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It's A Great Job If You Can Get It

13. Mall Cop

Description: Our nation's malls need protecting and who better to do it then former police officers considered too old or too obese to walk the beat, high school drop-outs, and you? Stride through your local mall with your head held high--you're a mall cop, buddy, and you're the law in this here shopping establishment.

Skills Needed: rudimentary knowledge of common Segway procedures; ability to grow comical facial hair if required; severe lack of shame.

Availability: Mall coppery is big right now. Movies like Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Observe and Report (along with my forthcoming whodunit Murder in the Food Court: A Marty the Mall Cop Mystery) have made being a mall pig cool again. Expect a line at this interview, folks.

14. Indie Rock Luminary

Description: Do you have something original to say and just enough musical ability to say it in a way hipsters and music snobs can both get into? Does your dad own a cabin? If so, get ready for musical stardom, my friend.

Skills Needed: recent trauma you can turn into mediocre songs; well-established connections in the music biz; a rich father with an awesome cabin.

Availability: The world could always use another troubadour, a man (or woman) who can take society's common problems and put them to music, alleviate our collective suffering with a well-crafted pop song. So, grab a guitar and a four-track and head up to your dad's cabin for a month or two. Oh, your dad doesn't own a cabin? Maybe you should just apply at Whole Foods. 15. Street Preacher

Description: Do you like Jesus, yelling, and making people uncomfortable? If you answered yes to every one of those questions, stop what you're doing, find a street, and starting preaching on it. You don't need any fancypants schooling or even the ability to read. All you need is a basic knowledge of the faith of your choice and a loud speaking voice and you don't even need really need either of those things.

Skills needed: a knack for creative poster design; your own Bible (this could mean a copy you've picked up at a flea market, one that has been handed down from family member to family member, or a written record of what the voices in your head have been whispering to you over the past few months that you refer to as your 'Bible'); a crazy glint in your eye.

Availability: There is an empty corner in an America city right now just aching for a street preacher to set up shop and start angrily screaming about the love of Jesus Christ. Will you heed the call? 16. Child Street Preacher

Description: Who says only adults are to blame for the current economic crisis in America? Kids did some of that shit too. Teach your children a lesson by forcing them to walk the streets for donations, not as child prostitutes like in olden times, but as child street preachers. The word of God has never sounded creepier than when screamed by a toddler in a bow tie.

Skills Needed: a tiny suit; the opposite of an 'inside voice'; outrageous views on the end of the world, abortion, homosexuality, and a million other topics a child could barely understand

Availability: I need a child preacher for a party I'm throwing this weekend, so, there you go.

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From the Editor's Desk: It's Not Fair

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you are probably well aware of my admiration for Miley Cyrus and her alter ego, Hannah Montana. My enjoyment of the Hannah Montana program is both genuine and pure and nobody in my life questions my motives or scoffs at my decision to fully embrace this sit-com for 11 year old girls. Sure, Miley's had her issues (provocative MySpace pics, poking fun at the Asian community), but at the end of the day I think those of us with a soul can agree she is a relatively good role model for young girls in a world full of Lindsey Lohans, Paris Hiltons, and Rock of Love Bus celbri-sluts. I think the Hannah Montana television show is both morally uplifting and, at times, more than slightly funny. Perhaps I should be, but I'm not embarrassed to admit that I DVR the show and watch it on a regular basis.

While it is possible for me to enjoy most of Miley's entertainment output in the privacy of my own home (and iPod), it remains impossible for me to visit my local multiplex to take in a showing of her new film, appropriately titled, Hannah Montana: The Movie. Why is this? Well, here are a few reasons: 1) I'm a thirty year old, childless male; 2) Because I am a man in his 30's, society has deemed it inappropriate for me to watch the Hannah Montana film in a public movie theater by myself, and since none of my friends possess the same level of childlike whimsy that I do, seeing it alone is my only option; and 3) there are other movies that I'd rather spend $9.00 to see. Because of my age and the glut of quality films currently playing, I will never know what the hell is going on with Jackson and this ferret:
A ferret on a dinner table in a fine dining establishment? Jackson Rod Stewart, you goofball! Holy fucking shit, I bet that scene is funny. Sadly, I'll only get to experience it through spoilers posted on a little girl's blog. It's not fair!

Let's say I did decide to go see Hannah Montana: The Movie on my own. First, I'm certain to be surrounded by tweenage girls and their mothers. So there I am--balding, unshaven, probably dressed in my baggy jeans, scuzzy Chucks, and some kind of novelty tee--and I'm immediately thought to be some filthy pervert or a hipster douchebag keen on ruining everybody's viewing experience by yelling sarcastic comments at inopportune times and throwing Junior Mints at the screen. And God forbid I accidentally place a hand on my crotch for longer than three seconds. I'm not saying I would ever need to have my hand anywhere near my junk during the Hannah Montana movie, but I'm a guy and sometimes our hands just move in that general direction without us being aware. Maybe we have an itch or a quick adjustment is needed. Or maybe it's just comfortable. I'm not preparing myself for a vigorous round of penis pulling. Frankly, that's appalling.

Secondly, you just know everybody around me would be thinking, "What's up with that guy?" or "Aww, isn't that nice. Somebody dropped that special boy off at the movies. I wonder if it would be OK to buy him some Mike & Ikes?" (It's totally OK, by the way!).

The only solution is to bring a kid with me, preferably a girl. So, anybody out there have a little girl I can borrow for two hours? Listen, I'll buy her a ticket, even some popcorn, she just has to keep her mouth shut and pretend I'm her cool uncle or whatever. Hell, she can tell people I'm her mother's gay best friend, I don't care. She will, in essence, be my beard. She will act as a shield against the uncomfortable feelings that come with attending a Disney film intended for little girls by yourself.

I want to wrap this up by saying that I think it's bullshit I can't go see Hannah Montana: The Movie without being judged. Sadly, I know that this kind of judging occurs, because I've been a part of it before. Years ago, a girlfriend and I attended an afternoon showing of Peter Pan. The audience consisted of the two of us, a woman and her two children, and a single male in his mid to late 40's. I got my digs in the moment he entered the theater and before the coming attractions started we'd decided that he was a jobless pedophile on the prowl for fresh meat. I regret doing this now. He was probably just some guy who really responded to the story of Peter Pan. Maybe he was a fan of the director. Maybe he'd seen everything else at the $1.50 theater and Peter Pan would make his month complete. All I know for sure is that he sat quietly and ate his popcorn. And that is all I would do at Hannah Montana: sit still, laugh when appropriate, and tap my toes to all the new Hannah songs. I promise! Just give me a chance. Please?

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A Day of Chocolate & Resurrection...

Happy Easter from your friends at Giant Electric Penguin!

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Alternative Religion Smack-Down: Film 3

Title: Gods of the New Age

What the heck?: Hal Lindsey called 1988's Gods of the New Age, "the most important Christian film of the decade." He went on to say, "I strongly encourage everyone to see it and to give heed to its urgent warning." What is that "urgent warning" you ask? Simple: beware of yoga. You better keep your eyes on the vegetarians too. Who knows when they're gonna fly off the rails, slap on swastika armbands, and start goose stepping through the streets of our God-fearing communities. It could happen, people, and it's all Hinduism's fault. Stupid Hinduism!

Gods of the New Age is the wackiest one of the alternative religion smack-down bunch so far. It is an epic piece of paranoid filmmaking. Did you know Hinduism has the nerve to deify femaleness? How dare they?! Were you aware that George Lucas is actively trying to recruit your children into his army of mantra-chanting, dynamic meditating, bean sprout eating Hindu space zombies through his Star Wars movies? It's true and apparently it's rubbed off on his old pal Steven Speilberg, who has continuously shoved Hinduism down the open throats of an unsuspecting public in movies like Close Encounter of the Third Kind (wait...really?), Poltergeist (I don't really think that one...), and E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial (now that one is just bullshit, c'mon!). And don't forget your local YMCA and their yoga classes. You thought yoga was just a nice way to relax, improve your balance, and get in shape, didn't you? Well, in reality, yoga was created by Hindus to awaken the snake spirit who lives at the base of your spine and wipe your mind clean so Shiva can hop in and drive you around like a BMW. For shame, Young Men's Christian Association.

You know what else Hinduism has introduced to the world: the concept of positive thinking. The cult experts and Christian authors interviewed in this ridiculous film (If you weren't clear, the preceding paragraph was drenched in sarcasm--I apologize if you thought I was being genuine and now feel that you've been duped into reading the ranting of a religiously liberal individual who has the audacity to believe that there is no one true religion--I understand if you want to visit another Web site while the grown-ups talk. Come back tomorrow. We'll have some great dick and fart jokes for you.) actually talk about self-esteem and self-reflection like they are bad things, as if one moment spent away from intense Biblical study or fervent prayer to Jesus is an invitation to Satan and his demon buddies to set up shop in one's brain.

What's to like: The film's attitude about yoga and meditation is hilariously misguided. I don't think the bulk of Americans who visit yoga studios or purchase yoga DVDs (we have a couple in our house right now--OH NO!) have any intention of cutting off all ties with their families and moving out West to live on a ranch with some idiotic guru. Hell, I've enjoyed the yoga included on Wii Fit the few times I've done it. It's stretching, people! The film describes it as phase one in the Hindufication process. So, yoga is evil? Well, I beg to differ. Is this evil:

I'm sorry, but there ain't nothing evil about that ass!

I also enjoyed the brainless ramblings of one particular bearded expert...hey, why are all the most infuriatingly stupid people in the Jeremiah Films cult series always sporting beards? I've had a beard for most of my adult life and I've never felt that it had somehow drained my ability to think and speak logically. Anyway, this bearded genius actually suggests that vegetarianism is a sinister Hindu plot to enslave Westerners. "Jesus wasn't a vegetarian," he proclaims as if it actually means anything of value. The same bearded douchebag also denounces the idea that positive thinking can help one live a more fulfilling life and that the work of Freud is akin to mythology. This guy is just plain dumb, making him, perhaps, my favorite character in the film.

Oh, I also liked the claim that Adolf Hitler was basically just the world's most evil Hindu.

What's to not like: I do agree with the film on some of its points, specifically the section on gurus. I'm just going to say it: these guys are despicable. There may be some gurus out there who genuinely want what's best for their followers, but the fellows featured in Gods of the New Age are nothing but hypocritical assholes. They live in luxury while the rest of India crumbles around them. They refuse to help the starving beggars who stand with outstretched arms outside the walls of their religious compounds, explaining that the sick and the destitute are this way because of karma. They ride around in the backseats of luxury cars, while their followers wear orange jumpsuits, flail around like dying fish for hours on end, and spend all of their money on coffee mugs with the guru's picture on them from the ashram gift shop. Sure, these guru groupies are pretty dumb, but the gurus themselves are just evil. One guru-turned-born-again-Christian admits on camera that he never cared as much about his followers' problems as he did about their gifts and adoration.

Mostly, though, I didn't buy much of what Gods of the New Age was selling. Here is a quick rundown of some of the notes I took while watching the film (that's right, I take notes when I watch these things):

1. During Part Two-Yoga and Meditation: The Great Escape, the narrator claims that a poll taken in the 1980's reports that 25% of Americans and 50% of Europeans believe in reincarnation. I didn't do any research myself, but I'm pretty sure this is an outright lie. Half of Europe believes in the concept of reincarnation? There is no way that half of Europe is that deluded.

2. I'm sick and tired of Star Wars being used as a punching bag by religious extremists. You know what? It's a movie about space people fighting other space people and space monsters and Han Solo being cooler than shit, so there! And how they connected Poltergeist to Hinduism I still can't figure out. Thoughts?

The galaxy's most notorious guru. Pervert your mind he will.

3. Once again, Anton LeVay makes an appearance in a Jeremiah Films video. He has popped up in every movie in our smack-down thus far. Going back to the Satan-well is lazy and, frankly, I'm getting kind of sick of it.

4. Dungeons and Dragons is discussed again too. Make up your mind, Christians. Is D&D a tool of the Devil to steal your child's soul or is it yet another weapon in Hinduism's war against Christianity? And I don't want to nitpick, but the teacher describing D&D to his class in the film is actually talking about Lord of the Rings.

The truth: Gurus are dicks. I mean, you saw that Mike Myers movie, right? I didn't. I heard it was awful though. The trailer wasn't even that funny. And, I don't know, Jessica Alba is nice to look at, but she's not much of an actress. Was she funny at all? Mike Myers needs to try a little harder with his next film. I still believe in him, but it's going to take a miracle for him to get back on top of the comedy pile again.

My favorite part of Gods of the New Age is a short scene hidden about an hour in. The Hindu takeover of the West is essentially blamed on Christian missionary activity in India. I've never been a big supporter of missionaries. I'm not sure how going into another country and completely dismantling a community's way of life and rebuilding it in Christianity's image is helping anyone. Go and build some houses, provide medical assistance, give people some fucking food. Building a family life center, passing out hymnals, and telling the village witch doctor to take a hike isn't beneficial to the global community at all. I thought it was humorous that the Indian gurus who had been perfectly fine dispensing little nuggets of fortune cookie wisdom to poor people and hippy college kids until Christian missionaries showed up and gave them the idea to take their show to the States where the air was just right for ripping suckers off.

NEXT TIME: THE CLEVERLY TITLED JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

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