Wednesday, April 29, 2009
7.) Chirophobia: fear of hands
8.) Oneirogmophobia: fear of wet dreams
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
3.) Domatophobia: fear of houses; being in a house
4.) Nelophobia- fear of glass
Nelophobics have got the right idea. Glass totally sucks.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
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Saturday, April 25, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
3. Kitten Cannon: Kitten Cannon allows budding serial killers to practice the delicate art of feline abuse in the comfort of their own homes. Firing a sweet, widdle kitten out of a futuristic cannon into a field rife with trampolines, blood-soaked metal spikes, rockets hanging precariously from balloons, and man-eating plants may seem like innocent fun, but in reality it is a sick exercise designed to desensitize America's children to the idea of cat murder. I'm only providing the link so you can witness the horror for yourself--I am in NO WAY suggesting that you devote any time out of your day to playing this wretched piece of garbage.
Not only is last summer's You Don't Mess With the Zohan one of the least funny comedies of all time, it's also a cat haters wet dream. There are two (TWO!!!?!!) cat hacky sack scenes--we've provided the more disturbing one for your consideration. The Zohan, played by notorious anti-feline activist Adam Sandler, urinates on a cat's head in another troubling scene. Again, I ask you, America, if Zohan and his buddies were kicking this puppy back and forth to each other, would the nation's movie houses still ring out with the sounds of your degenerate laughter?
3. Practice and perfect a fake laugh--this is essential for gaining the respect and trust of your immediate supervisor, fellow employees, and that member of the janitorial staff with the porn mustache and the Jheri curl. You know the one--he's always looking you up and down, smoothing that mustache with his tongue, trying to show you pictures of his godson.
4. Be on everybody's side--don't choose a team, don't share your honest opinion--figure out the opinion of whoever you're talking to and make it your own for at least the duration of the conversation.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Why does her opinion shock anyone? 61% of Americans are opposed to gay marriage. Here are some things about the whole situation that I find infinitely more shocking:
Monday, April 20, 2009
Here's the problem: it looks really bad. You know, I didn't like this movie when it was called Fatal Attraction. It is a hackneyed story filled with stock characters played by a bunch of people no one would ever pay to see on the big screen. I mean, what is the most memorable thing you've seen Ali Larter do? That's right--she's the girl who farted and almost ruined a jewel heist in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, quite possibly the most expendable of Kevin Smith's adventures in the View Askewniverse. I think she wore a bikini made of whipped cream in something called Varsity Blues as well, but you get my point.
I think I understand why we're being flooded with Obsessed propoganda on an hourly basis, but I'm ready for it to stop. I don't care how many times during NBC's Comedy Night Done Right I get to see Beyonce Knowles pounce on Ali Larter like a bloodthirsty ferret or Idris Elba stare off into the middle distance all concerned and handsome (so damn handsome...) or Jerry O'Connell do whatever it is he does: I know the movie sucks and I will be avoiding it like the plague.
Thank the Lord it comes out Friday. If I have to hear Beyonce growl "she came into my home--she touched my child" one more time, I'm going to hurt someone, most likely myself.
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Sunday, April 19, 2009
I don't get it. At the beginning, are they scared or just chilly? And seriously, how much bravery does it take to try buttermilk? Also, at 0:56, does Mary-Kate (or Ashley) say she's sat on Satan's lap? That would explain a helluva lot.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
For: kick-ass cover art; myths, urban legends, and outright lies presented as truth = funny good times; former Temple of Olympus priestess' theory that founder, Fat Guy Draped in Blue Bed Sheet, created cult simply to force women to perform "lesbian dances" for him (is there any other reason to start a cult?).
For: the story of the Mormon church in cartoon form; Family Home Evening actually seems like a pretty good idea, you know, once you take the Mormon stuff out of it; the discussion of Mormon archaeology.
Against: lame attempt at connecting Mormonism to Satanism; insistence that Mormon leaders are striving to destroy families.
For: the film's outdated view on yoga is pants-wettingly hilarious; the suggestion that since Jesus wasn't a vegetarian, naturally, vegetarianism is wrong is also shorts-soakingly laughtastic; gurus are truly the world's biggest a-holes.
And the winner is...GODS OF THE NEW AGE. Paranoid, outdated, misguided, and endlessly entertaining, GODS is a triumph of Christian fear mongering. Once in awhile the filmmakers stumble onto something truthful and thought provoking, but it's usually either an accident or a glaringly obvious fact to anyone with a brain, for example, the hypocrisy of the Hindu "god men." GODS denigrates the ideas of self-reflection, positive thinking, self-esteem, and meditation. It also equates practicing yoga with Satan worship (essentially) and warns that Hinduism's continued influence will eventually transform the citizens of the United States into goose-stepping Nazis. GODS OF THE NEW AGE features insane Christian people talking about insane Hindu people and that is why it is the winner of GEP's ALTERNATIVE RELIGION SMACK-DOWN!
1. Rock of Love Sub: You've toured this country's redneck bars and state fairs, Bret, so why not hop on a submarine and take your crappy music to those living on the ocean floor? I've never been, but I've heard Atlantis has some kick ass music venues. And just think of all the "seamen" puns you can make (It sounds like "semen," get it? Classic!)! What could more fun then a fading 80's hair-band front man stuck on a sub with twelve bitchy sluts? That's right--nothing! At Elimination, after you inform that week's unlucky girl that her tour is over, she is immediately shot torpedo-style into the vast blue ocean. And remember, it's not the crabs outside of the sub with which you should be concerned.
2. Rock of Love...In Space: Just about everything is better in space (pigs, for instance), so why not launch Bret and his skank squad into the great unknown? Remember, in space no one can see you dance lewdly on Bret Michael's lap...unless a Vh1 camera crew is there to film the whole thing.
3. Rock of Love In An Elevator: I have this sexual fantasy where I'm trapped in an elevator with 12 to 13 half-naked Thai sex workers (sometimes one of them is a dude and half the fun is finding out which one it is). Now I know Vh1 has to appeal to a wide audience, so filling season four's elevator with nothing but Thai prostitutes would be a bad move on their part, but with a little tweaking, my weird, sick fantasy (trust me, there's more to it that you do not want to know about...) could be a ratings winner. I know, I know--how will Bret pull of Mudbowl IV in a cramped elevator? Well, I've got some ideas (call me) and I think you may be pleasantly surprised. In such close quarters, scratch fights are a concern, but don't worry, Big John will be there to break up any shit that may go down. Or up.
4. Rock of Love Rotting Whale Carcass: Like Rock of Love In An Elevator, only inside the rotting carcass of a whale.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
What's to like: 1) A running time of 45 minutes. 2) The delightfully nerdy Dr. Jerry Bergman and his tragic story of the family stamp collection he sold in preparation for Armageddon which church prophets had predicted would occur in 1975. Bergman is like Dr. Frink mixed with any Amish gentleman you've ever seen. 3) Church founder Charles Taze Russell's theory that if a dog had a head shaped like a man's head, the dog would be able to think like a man. I don't know if I like that idea so much because it exposes what a complete charlatan Russell was or if thinking about a dog with a man head makes me smile. 4) The advertisement for a 13 part series of videos from our friends at Jeremiah Films. Some of the titles in this series, delightfully titled Pagan Invasion, include: Halloween: Trick or Treat?; Invasion of the God Men; Doorways to Satan; Evolution: Hoax of the Century; and my personal favorite, Joseph Smith's Temple of Doom. If you know of any way I can get my hands on this amazing series of videotapes, I will be forever indebted to you.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Description: Our nation's malls need protecting and who better to do it then former police officers considered too old or too obese to walk the beat, high school drop-outs, and you? Stride through your local mall with your head held high--you're a mall cop, buddy, and you're the law in this here shopping establishment.
Skills Needed: rudimentary knowledge of common Segway procedures; ability to grow comical facial hair if required; severe lack of shame.
Availability: Mall coppery is big right now. Movies like Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Observe and Report (along with my forthcoming whodunit Murder in the Food Court: A Marty the Mall Cop Mystery) have made being a mall pig cool again. Expect a line at this interview, folks.
Description: Do you have something original to say and just enough musical ability to say it in a way hipsters and music snobs can both get into? Does your dad own a cabin? If so, get ready for musical stardom, my friend.
Skills Needed: recent trauma you can turn into mediocre songs; well-established connections in the music biz; a rich father with an awesome cabin.
Availability: The world could always use another troubadour, a man (or woman) who can take society's common problems and put them to music, alleviate our collective suffering with a well-crafted pop song. So, grab a guitar and a four-track and head up to your dad's cabin for a month or two. Oh, your dad doesn't own a cabin? Maybe you should just apply at Whole Foods. 15. Street Preacher
Description: Do you like Jesus, yelling, and making people uncomfortable? If you answered yes to every one of those questions, stop what you're doing, find a street, and starting preaching on it. You don't need any fancypants schooling or even the ability to read. All you need is a basic knowledge of the faith of your choice and a loud speaking voice and you don't even need really need either of those things.
Skills needed: a knack for creative poster design; your own Bible (this could mean a copy you've picked up at a flea market, one that has been handed down from family member to family member, or a written record of what the voices in your head have been whispering to you over the past few months that you refer to as your 'Bible'); a crazy glint in your eye.
Availability: There is an empty corner in an America city right now just aching for a street preacher to set up shop and start angrily screaming about the love of Jesus Christ. Will you heed the call? 16. Child Street Preacher
Description: Who says only adults are to blame for the current economic crisis in America? Kids did some of that shit too. Teach your children a lesson by forcing them to walk the streets for donations, not as child prostitutes like in olden times, but as child street preachers. The word of God has never sounded creepier than when screamed by a toddler in a bow tie.
Skills Needed: a tiny suit; the opposite of an 'inside voice'; outrageous views on the end of the world, abortion, homosexuality, and a million other topics a child could barely understand
Availability: I need a child preacher for a party I'm throwing this weekend, so, there you go.Read the rest of this article.
Monday, April 13, 2009
A ferret on a dinner table in a fine dining establishment? Jackson Rod Stewart, you goofball! Holy fucking shit, I bet that scene is funny. Sadly, I'll only get to experience it through spoilers posted on a little girl's blog. It's not fair!