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Sunday, May 31, 2009

Wow! Thanks again, John Tesh!

John Tesh is back again, this time with some Fat Burning Tips.

I knew blue jeans were good for your health! God bless you, John Tesh. One question though: is it too late to win that dinner with you and the band? If not, where do you want to eat? We could maybe hit Outback, share a blooming onion? Will Connie be OK with that? What kind of dipping sauce do you like? Also, at dinner, if you don't mind, will you tell me the thrilling story of how you wrote the NBA On NBC theme song, "Roundball Rock"? I already know it, but it's sooooooo awesome! Oh, Tesh, is there anything you don't know oodles of pointless facts anyone with half a brain and access to the internet could read for themselves on Wikipedia about? Sigh.
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Sunday Morning Music: The Duttons - "Mr. Sandman"

89-member singing group and extended family The Duttons are Mormons. Read the rest of this article.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Epic Badass Smack-Down: Film 3

Title: Above the Law

Badass: Steven Seagal

What the hell?: Steven Seagal plays Italian-American super-cop, Nico Toscani (which incidentally is my favorite dish on the Olive Garden menu--try it with unlimited salad and breadsticks tonight!), who finds himself mixed up in all kinds of shenanigans on the mean streets of Chicago circa 1988.  There's something about torture in the jungle, a bit about illegal immigrants living in the basement of a Catholic church, a couple of scenes about cocaine or military-grade explosives, something involving a young girl hanging out in a crack den...ah, whatever.  All you need to know is that Steven Segal kicks the shit out of some dudes.  Pam Grier costars as Toscani's inappropriately dressed partner.

What's to like: there are several nice shoot-outs (I like the one in the parking deck)

What's to not like: convoluted plot; way too many characters to keep track of; more story than any 90 minute movie needs; Sharon Stone's in the thing and we don't get to see her bush once...seriously, what is up with that?
The truth: Steven Seagal is a perfect example of someone making it big in Hollywood by knowing the right people, in this case agent Michael Ovitz.  Seagul shuffles through every scene like a confused marionette and speaks every line in a smart-ass, wispy growl.  His character is wholly unlikable.  And the fight scenes are ridiculous.  I'm sure akido is a sophisticated and complex martial art, but here's what it amounts to when performed by Seagal: guy steps toward Seagal, Seagal pushes him down.  That's it!  There aren't any Spinning Bird Kicks or Vulcan Neck Pinches, just a bunch of pushing.  That's like every fight I ever witnessed in middle school.

Above the Law is Seagal's first film and, as such, I expected to be pleasantly surprised, as I was with Van Damme's Bloodsport, which incidentally came out the same year.  I found JCVD endlessly charming, but Seagal left me unimpressed.  His character is a complete asshole with no redeeming social skills and seemingly very little knowledge of the law he is supposed to uphold.  And lest you think this was merely an acting choice, I ask you to consider the trailers found in Above the Law's bonus materials.  I watched trailers for seven other Steven Seagal films and he acts like an arrogant jerk in every one, with the exception of Out For Justice, in which he adopts the comical accent of an Italian-American stereotype.  I probably should have watched that one instead.  

Stay tuned for more Badass Smackdown featuring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, and a certain California governor.

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Friday, May 29, 2009

Thursday, May 28, 2009

37 Facebook Status Updates Guaranteed to Elicit A Response

The only reason to let people know what you're up to via Facebook status updates is so that someone--anyone!--will take an interest in your pathetic life and comment upon it.  Too often, though, no one seems to care that you've just gotten home from the movies or had a rough day digging ditches, so I've come up with 37 status update ideas guaranteed to get people talking, probably to the police.
[Your name]...

1. thinks Star Wars is for homos.
2. is burying a hobo.
3. is totally gonna kick the crap out of you, Jordan Beall!
4. hates love.
5. gave your mother AIDS last night.
6. took a shit on the Constitution.
7. runs over elderly people in his/her car just for laughs.
8 has masturbated to Nazi war propaganda.
9. raped the Pope
10. just dug up your grandma's corpse and dragged it around behind his/her car for about an hour.
11. was raped by the Pope.
12. loves him/her some child pornography!  Yee-haw!
13. supports gay abortions.
14. sprayed half a can of hair spray into the sky for no reason.
15. killed your new puppy...with his/her mind!
16. got your mom pregnant last night, then aborted the fetus.
17. hates all races equally.
18. burned down a Baptist church and blamed it on the Jews.
19. spooged in your taco salad.
20. thinks Reverend Billy Graham is the Anti-Christ.
21. thinks George W. Bush was right 100% of the time.
22. murdered your neice.
23. thinks New Orleans deserved it.
24. just finished reading Ann Coulter's latest book and LOVE IT!!!
25. thinks all dogs go to Hell.
26. invites everyone in Goldsboro, NC to kiss his/her ass.
27. farted in your beef and broccoli.
28. doesn't like people with learning disabilities.
29. thinks Bed of Roses is waaaaaay better than The Godfather.
30. watches The View religiously.
31. slaps Chinese people because he/she can!
32. is sleeping with Jon Gosselin.
33. doesn't care for smiling babies.
34. is building a shrine to Dick Cheney in his/her basement.
35. would totally leave his/her kids with Michael Jackson for the weekend.
36. loves mimes!
37. listens to nothing but John Tesh albums when he's/she's making love.

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

What the WTF?: Wild Animals Gone Wild

There's something wrong with this recent headline from WTAE-Pittsburgh's Web site:


The "lion" in question is, in fact, a mountain lion, but I'm more interested in the "pet" part. Who the hell keeps a mountain lion as a pet? A mountain lion is a brutal killing machine, not a cuddly bundle of purrs and mews. They'd sooner tear out your intestines than bat a ball of twine around.

I know what you're thinking: "But, Matt, look at those three precious mountain lion cubs at the top of the page. Surely they were put on this planet for me to snuggle and love." Sure, those furry bastards are three of the cutest baby animals I've ever laid eyes on, but in a couple of years that turns into this: And this:
And, Oh Sweet Jesus, this:
Oh, God, get it away from me!

Listen, if you've gotta have a pet mountain lion, fine, but for God's sake, don't send your kid out to the cage to feed it. In fact, if you're the kind of weird freak that has to keep a bloodthirsty killing machine caged in your backyard to feel special, you shouldn't be allowed to have kids. And while I'm on a roll, let's just make it totally illegal for people to keep anything but domesticated cats and dogs in their homes as pets, OK?. Let the birds fly free and the snakes slither wherever they'd like; let the fish explore the vast expanses of the ocean and the mountain lions do whatever it is they do far away from the local elementary school playground. What the WTF?!?

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5 Lamest Old Testament Bible Stories

If Representative Paul Broun gets his way, 2010 will officially become "The Year of the Bible." In honor of this useless resolution, Giant Electric Penguin presents our picks for The 5 Lamest Old Testament Bible Stories. 1. God takes a much deserved nap upon completing Creation (Genesis 2:2): Sure, six days of separating water from dry land, filling the air with birds, and creating human life with all of its intricacies can take a lot out of a dude, but we're not talking about some dude, we're talking about God, the infinite creator of all things, the all-powerful, all-knowing master of the universe. God needs a siesta? Anyone who denies that the Bible and religion in general is largely manmade need look no further than the second chapter of Genesis (The second chapter! It's right here in the first few pages!). God doesn't rest, humans rest. How is God supposed to rest anyway when millions of people are filling his inbox with prayers every day? I guess God's sleeping in whenever a tsunami drowns a poor island nation or a wildfire fries California to a crisp. Is it safe to assume that God was reclining on His couch, a bowl of popcorn resting on his stomach, Season One of Gilmore Girls in the DVD player, when Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans? C'mon!

2. Rape my daughters. Please. (Genesis 19:4-8): Back in the olden days, when a particular group of people succeeded in pissing God off, He would simply rain fire down upon them. These days, not so much, though I'm still unconvinced that there's not something to Jerry Falwell's claim that 9/11 happened because God hates abortion and Americans can't get enough of 'em! Anyway...

Before flattening the sinful cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, God sent two angels into town to get a feel for the scene, find out if there were any rightous people about. The angels meet Lot, who insists they stay at his home for the night. They accept, but upon reaching Lot's home, things get a little iffy:

4 Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. 5 They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."

6 Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him 7 and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. 8 Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof."

OK, first of all, what is up with the men of Sodom? There were apparently enough sex-starved men to literally surround Lot's house. Is this how people said "hello" in Jolly Olde Sodomtown?

"Good afternoon. Are you new in town?"
"Why yes, I am."
"Wonderful. Listen, I'm going to have sex with you now and then maybe I can show you around. How's that sound, chum?"

Lame, but mostly just creepy. The lamest part of this story is the fact that Lot offers his daughters to the crowd of sex-crazed perverts. This selfless act of charity tells God's representatives that Lot is an upstanding pious individual and, therefore, worthy of being spared the forthcoming heavenly smackdown.

Did you read what I wrote?! Lot offered his daughters' virginity in exchange for the safety of two complete strangers! I'm not suggesting that Lot should have responded with, "Oh, you wanna rape those two nice fellas I just welcomed into my house? Well, sure! You guys need lube or are you all set?" I am suggesting, however, that maybe Lot could've manned up a little bit, shut the door, and phoned the authorities. Also, do you see the harm in using this story to prove that God, in fact, hates homosexuals? If this is one of your go to verses to justify the continued denial of basic human rights to gays and lesbians, this is what you are saying about God: God hates homos, but he just loves a dude who pimps out his daughters. 3. The Promise Land: No Moses Allowed (Deuteronomy 32:48-52): The Old Testament God sure could hold a grudge. Seriously:

48 On that same day the LORD told Moses, 49 "Go up into the Abarim Range to Mount Nebo in Moab, across from Jericho, and view Canaan, the land I am giving the Israelites as their own possession. 50 There on the mountain that you have climbed you will die and be gathered to your people, just as your brother Aaron died on Mount Hor and was gathered to his people. 51 This is because both of you broke faith with me in the presence of the Israelites at the waters of Meribah Kadesh in the Desert of Zin and because you did not uphold my holiness among the Israelites. 52 Therefore, you will see the land only from a distance; you will not enter the land I am giving to the people of Israel."

Moses went through a lot to free God's chosen people from slavery and lead them to the Promise Land, and, OK, sure, he got a little out of control that time when he smacked that rock just a little too hard (that's the story, right, if I remember my Sunday school lessons correctly?), but, c'mon. I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, God, but cut the guy some slack. For the most part, Moses did a pretty good job, right? God basically tells Moses, "Climb this mountain and die...oh, and while you're dying, check out this sweet place the Israelites are getting." That's cold, man, ice cold. 4. Lot's daughters gone wild (Genesis 19:4-8): So, maybe Lot had his flaws (the whole "go ahead and rape my daughters if it'll get you to quiet down--we're trying to sleep in here!" thing), but his daughters weren't much better. I guess they learned by example. After fleeing from Sodom, where Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt for committing the unspeakable act of taking one last look at her hometown, Lot and his daughters set up home in a cave. Apparently, this cave is located in some post-apocalyptic wasteland, because according to Lot's oldest daughter "there is no man around here to lie with us." So, instead of putting on some makeup, saddling up the camel, and heading into the nearest oasis for a hook-up, Lot's daugthers get their father drunk and get down with a little incest action. This, to me, is the epitome of laziness. There had to be guys around. I know it was Biblical times and there weren't billions of people clogging up ever inch of the Earth, but there had to be some horny dudes less related to you somewhere.
5. David and Bathsheba, or The Lamest Story Ever Told (2 Samuel 11): Who hasn't watched a buddy's wife take an outdoor bath and thought about banging her? It's the most natural thing in the world! Most of us haven't gone through with it though and if we have, we at least used a condom or pulled out . King David gets Uriah's wife, Bathsheba, pregnant and then scrambles to cover the whole thing up. First, he tries to get Uriah to go home and have sex with Bathsheba, but Uriah decides to hang out at the palace with his boys. Next, David gets Uriah liquored up, hoping he will stumble home, fall on top of his wife, and make sloppy, baby-making love to her, but this also fails. So, David does the only other thing he can think of:

14 In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it with Uriah. 15 In it he wrote, "Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die."

Oh, snap! David has Uriah killed! What a pussy move! And what does David get for his misdeed: a dead baby. Nice one, Davey!

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Wednesday Morning Music: Phoenix- "Lisztomania"

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Reality Report: Reality TV Gets Sad

What the hell is going on with reality television?  Reality shows used to be places where one could watch drunken morons cavort before former rock stars in some modern mating dance of the damned or super-religious yahoos crisscross the US in a rented motorhome packed to the roof with blank-eyed children flashing toothy, otherworldly smiles.  Now it's nothing but a scorched battlefield of f'ed up douchebags, broken marriages, and shattered dreams.  
1. Holy crap, did you catch the fifth season premiere of TLC's popular reality show about current tabloid favs, Jon and Kate Gosselin, and their unfortunate progeny? I winced my way through the majority of an episode rife with uncomfortable moments, the most significant being a short joint interview with the Gosselins, in which neither parent acknowledged the other's presence.  Awk-ward!

How are we as an audience supposed to extract any enjoyment from Jon and Kate Plus 8 this season?  One would think the smiling faces of the Gosselin children (and Maddie's scowling one) would offer at least a little respite from the palpable coldness between Jon and Kate, but, alas, this is not so.  Every time Alexis utters something adorable or Aaden pushes his glasses up the bridge of his cute little nose, we are reminded that the Gosselin's marriage is disintegrating for all the world to see. Frankly, it's depressing and uncomfortable to watch.  I hate to tell you, middle-aged women of America and their pregnant daughters, but I think the only way to ensure that the Gosselin Eight experience any kind of normalcy from this moment forward, we need to band together and boycott the program.  I know, I know--it will difficult, but I think we've reached an impasse where the only way we can stop the beast (i.e. Kate Gosselin and her ridiculous haircut), is to take a cue from Homer Simpson and just not look anymore.

2. And who the crap thought Vh1's Daisy of Love would be such a downer?  Sure, it's nothing more than a weird mash-up of Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, and WWE Monday Night Raw, starring diminutive recording artist/latex sex doll, Daisy De La Hoya, perhaps better known as the loser (some would say winner) of the second season of Rock of Love, but it is also one of the most depressing things currently on television.  Daisy is a fairly sad individual herself, but the cast of dimwits, drunkards, and tools vying for her affection are suicides just waiting to happen:
This is Cage.  He is a hard-drinking rageaholic with a soft, boyish lilt to his voice, puppy dog eyes, and a whole slew of moronic face tattoos.  In the fourth episode, we learned that Cage's mother died in a horrible auto accident, which is why he is filled with so much angst.  Last week, he bid Daisy a tearful good-bye assuring her he could not be trusted to not beat the shit out of any and every one of his fellow suitors.  Cage is like an injured baby bird with multi-colored hair.
Say hi to London or, as I like to call him, The One Who Tries Way Too Hard.  London's father kicked him out of the house, possibly for rocking too hard (though I doubt it), forcing him to crash on the couches of various friends.  Homeless, usually drunk, and full of feelings he cannot describe, London decided to excuse himself from "Daisy's house" before he caused her any more pain or used up all her make-up.
This poor schmuck was bestowed with the nickname Chi Chi, which in Jamaica is a derogatory term for a homosexual male.  His back story isn't as tragic as the fact that he is Daisy-sized and sounds like a Munchkin when he talks.
This tragic figure, Fox, was born without a brain.  How he functions on a daily basis is still a mystery, but some theorize that he is  controlled by a system of levers and pulleys by a cockroach that resides in his empty skull.

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Sunday Night Trailers: The Good, The Bad, and The Wha?!?

The Good:

More of that Robert Downey Jr. magic and the triumphant return of Mr. Jude Law. I'm pretty excited about this one.

The Bad:

You know a movie is gonna suck when its trailer begins with Heather Graham and ends with a fart joke. If Baby on Board doesn't go down in history as one of the worst cinematic travesties the world has ever known, I will eat my hat. Not my nice hat, mind you, but that one I own made out of Rice Krispie treats.

The Wha?!?:

From the studio that brought you Gooby comes The Bracelet of Bordeaux. Wait, so running down an old woman with a lawn mower and firing a revolver at a man's feet equals good, clean family fun? For shame, Monterey Media.
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OK, maybe not all of them are bad...

We're awfully rough on the religious community here at GEP, but I think it's both justified and necessary, so I don't plan on letting up anytime soon.  I do it for two reasons: 1) the rampant anti-intellectualism, some of which I've witnessed firsthand in my parents' church, emanating from America's pulpits each Sunday is deeply troubling and  2) most super-religious types have a persecution complex and secretly desire the thoughts and opinions of people like me because it is proof that the Devil is actively trying to trip them up.  See, I'm providing a service.

Every once in awhile though, I come across a story about an individual or a church that exemplifies the true spirit of what religion should be, but often, unfortunately, is not.  I give you Cross Timbers Community Church of Argyle, TX:


The pastor of a non-denominational church in Argyle, Texas, passed around the collection plate to his congregants earlier this year -- and asked them to take money from it.

Donations at the Cross Timbers Community Church had slumped because of the economic downturn. Pastor Toby Slough thought that his congregants had to be hurting, too.

His gesture, instead, was met with an unexpected response: The church had its highest offering ever.

It was a eureka moment for Slough: Give away money to those who need it, knowing his church members will help fill the need.

"In these economic times, we can't be so into church business that we forget what our business is, and that is to help people," Slough told CNN television affiliate KDAF in Dallas-Forth Worth, Texas.

This should be every church's main focus, shouldn't it, helping the community?  Instead of building that multi-purpose family life center, why not help some less fortunate church members or, God forbid, non-Christian neighbors keep their houses and feed their families?  In Raleigh, I've heard about a pastor who passed out money to his congregation, but expected them to increase that money in some way and return it to the church in a week or two so it could be used in the building of "Jesus's kingdom" (i.e. Pastor Jim needs a new treadmill). Toby Slough is just giving money away, no strings attached!  WTF?

And Slough ain't handing out chump change neither:

In the past two months, the 9-year-old church has...handed out a half-million dollars to members and non-members who are struggling.

The keyword there is "non-members."  Slough has the audacity to assist non-church members during these difficult financial times.  If that isn't the kind of stuff Jesus wants us to do, I guess I just misread all those Gospels.

GEP salutes you, Cross Timbers Community Church of Argyle, TX.  You've given hope to this heathen that maybe not all religious institutions are self-centered, poisonous, and corrupt.

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Saturday, May 23, 2009

5 Songs With Which I Have At One Time Or Another Been Completely Obsessed

1. Aphex Twin- "Come to Daddy"

My love of Aphex Twin began shortly after I moved to Raleigh and started working at Madstone movie theater in Cary, NC.  A co-worker lent me his copy of Directors Label Volume 2: The Work of Director Chris Cunningham and I took to "Come to Daddy" like a college freshman takes to weekday binge drinking.  I went out that weekend and purchased the "Come to Daddy" EP.  The song (as well as it's disc mates, particularly "Flim," "To Cure a Weakling Child, Contour Regard," and "IZ-US") went into permanent rotation in my car and anyone lucky (or unlucky?) enough to ride with me anywhere in the following month was greeted by the demonic snarling of one Mr. Richard D. James.  After a month or two of listening to the song sometimes up to five times a day, I started to get concerned.  It wasn't long before another song happened along and grabbed my attention, but "Come to Daddy" will always be the first song I seriously thought might claim my sanity.
2. Rihanna- "Umbrella"

I'm a sucker for a finely crafted pop song and, as far as I'm concerned, Rihanna's 2007 megahit, "Umbrella," is one of the finest.  There was a time when I couldn't skip this song when it popped up on my iPod.  It was physically impossible to click to the next track.  It was as if I had been paralyzed by Rihanna's voice.  I'm not a slave to it's feminine wiles so much anymore, but it remains one of my favorite pop songs of the last ten years.
3. The Avett Brothers- "Paranoia in B Major"

This is one of the few cases in which an obsession song eventually became one I could barely stomach listening to any longer, which is disappointing considering "Paranoia in B Major" is such a kick-ass tune.  In theory, I still love this raucous number from The Avett Brothers, but I can't listen to it anymore.  I keep it on my iPod as a reminder of the quality time we spent with one another, but I usually skip on by when I hear its opening banjo strum.  It's heartwrenching really, like seeing an ex-girlfriend eating burritos with a new beau at the burrito joint you used to frequent together.  I'll always cherish our time together, "Paranoia in B Major."  Please realize it's not you, it's me.  I just listened to you way too much, put you on too many mix CDs for friends, used you up until you were nothing but a husk of your former self.  Know that I loved you once.
4. The Postal Service- "Nothing Better"

Speaking of ex-girlfriends, "Nothing Better" helped more than anything--more than booze, more than chain smoking, more than that exorcism in the Louisiana swamp--to get me through the disintegration of a six year relationship.  Two lines into the song during that horrible and long overdue time, I was a blubbering wreck.  Sometimes I would listen to it two or three times in a row, pausing between each play to wipe tears and mucus from my face, just to cover it anew with more salt and slime.  "They're singing about us, baby" I would sob at my ex-girlfriend's picture.  I wasn't a lot of fun to be around.  

5. Crystal Castles-"Crimewave"

My current song obsession.  I can't get enough of this song.  I've taken to starting the track over before it even ends.  I'm sick.  As soon as I get paid next month I'm heading to my local record shoppe to procure a copy of Crystal Castles self-titled debut album.  I'll keep you posted on my state-of-being after another steady week of repeated "Crimewave" listens and I promise to seek professional help if things get out of my control.

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Epic Badass Smack-Down: Film 2

Title: xXx

Badass: Vin Diesel

What the hell?: Internet superstar Xander Cage is recruited by Special Agent Augustus Gibbons of the Silly Name Squad to infiltrate a group of Russian terrorists known as Anarchy 99 and gather information on something called Operation Silent Night.  What follows is a series of explosions, repeated catchphrases and one-liners, shoot-outs, double-crosses, and sweet dirt bike tricks.

What's to like: a surprisingly charming Vin Diesel; gobs of neat-o explosions.

What's to not like: hackneyed, by-the-numbers plot; silly Russian villains; Vin Diesel literally outruns an avalanche; the catchphrase "Welcome to the Xander Zone."
The truth: xXx isn't the worst action flick I've ever seen, in fact, in a lot of ways, it's pretty damn enjoyable.  It moves at a brisk pace and there are plenty of pretty girls, fancy weapons of mass destruction, and fiery explosions to look it.  And who doesn't enjoy a rousing, flame-broiled Rammstein performance? Unfortunately, a script full of goofy one-liners and one-dimensional Russian baddies drag the film into familiar, uninteresting territory.  

And sure, it's fun to watch Vin Diesel's stunt double drive a motorbike around a Colombian coke farm as it is being firebombed by the Colombian army, but why does he have to do all those tricks?  Seriously. Evade the bullets, outrun the balls of fire, but leave the Fender Grabs and Nac Nacs for the next motocross event.  I'd be too focused on all the machine gun fire to pull off the perfect Tsunami or Superman Seat Grab.

Next time: Steven Seagal is Above the Law.

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Friday, May 22, 2009

It's Finally Friday!

Here's some Crystal Castles.
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Thursday, May 21, 2009

It's Someone's Special Day...

Giant Electric Penguin wishes
a very, very special birthday!!!

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

What the WTF?: Teacher's Pet Edition

Remember that episode of South Park where Ike Broflovski has an affair with his kindergarten teacher, Ms. Stephenson, and Cartman becomes South Park Elementary's hall monitor and takes to patrolling the halls in a ridiculous Dog the Bounty Hunter get up?  "Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy" is one of my all-time favorite South Park episodes.  It is a brilliant send-up of all the middle school teacher/student sexual relationship stories that pop up in the newspaper every few months.  As a nation, we are disgusted by these (usually female) teachers for taking advantage of their students in this sick and twisted way.  But deep inside, every red-blooded American male who has ever fantasized about his eighth grade English teacher reacts in much the same way as South Park's police department: with a deep, satisfied "niiiiice."

Of course, the situation created in the South Park episode is utterly ridiculous.  A kindergarten teacher having sexual intercourse with one of her kindergarten students?  That's like taking an infant to the prom, getting it drunk, and seducing it at an after party.  Nobody in their right mind would do that, I mean, the limo rental alone would set you back at least 50 bucks.  And then there's the tuxedo to think about, a corsage, not to mention finding a young couple with a baby they are willing to let accompany you to a dance.  And Lord only knows how many diaper changes the little brat's gonna need.

Lonely, pathetic middle school teachers may fall into sexual affairs with young men, but not elementary school teachers with their wards, right?  Wrong.

Durham's own Gina Marie Watring, a former teacher's assistant and mother of three, has been accused of having a sexual affair with, get this, a TEN YEAR OLD BOY.  10!  She claims the affair began when she noticed the boy had a strange attachment to her.  Of course he had an attachment to you!  He's fucking 10!  You're an adult who he, for some reason, looks up to for guidance.  He counts on you to help him tie his shoe, not jerk him off in the coatroom after recess.

Can a ten year old even have sex?  I was obsessed with action figures and comic books when I was ten and was about two or three years away from my first exposure to pornography in Evan's brother's bedroom.  But this kid was ready and raring to go?  And how bad does your sex life have to be that you find it necessary to troll for hook-ups at the local playground?  

I have so many unanswered questions regarding this story, many of which I don't actually want the answer to, but for now I'll just have to wait.  All I can say for now is I hope losing your job and family was worth the five seconds of intercourse you had with the child you raped, Ms. Watring. You suck!  

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Monday, May 18, 2009


Am I missing something?


Jamie Foxx has been tipped to play late Rat Pack crooner Frank Sinatra, according to reports.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Harry Connick Jr. were among the names rumoured to be in contention for the role after it was announced earlier this month that filmmaker Martin Scorsese will direct a biopic.

But now African-American actor Foxx, who won an Oscar for his portrayal of Ray Charles in 2004's Ray, has emerged as the favourite to play Ol' Blue Eyes.

And studio bosses are convinced Foxx has the charisma and talent to tackle the role of Sinatra, who died in 1998.

An insider tells Britain's Daily Star, "Jamie would seem to be born to the role. Magnificent voice, convincing acting ability - like Frank himself - born the wrong side of the tracks, makes it big against all odds, has his brush with authority. The guy's a gift."

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Even More Religious Idiocy

GEP's ongoing series of articles focused on the mindblowing stupidity of the world's religious community journeys today to the country of Nigeria, where a fear of brooms can result in torture, hatred, and exile. Yes, you read that correctly: a fear of brooms!


Christian Eshiett was a rambunctious pre-teen who spent a lot of time cavorting with his friends in southern Nigeria. He would skip school and run away from home for days, frustrating his grandfather, who oversaw the boy's care.

"I beat him severely with canes until they broke, yet he never shed a tear," said Eshiett Nelson Eshiett, 76. "One day, I took a broom to hit him and he started crying. Then I knew he was possessed by demons. ... Nigerian witches are terrified of brooms."

Are you sure Nigerian witches are afraid of brooms and not just crazy-eyed, superstitious people beating the crap out of them? I myself am not generally afraid of brooms (though I admit, I find brooms, for the most part, to be completely useless and illogical), but if I was ritually beaten each day with one, I'm pretty sure I'd start avoiding brooms as a rule.

Also, isn't it funny that in Nigeria you can tell that someone's a witch by their fear of every cartoon hag's mode of transportation? Witches and brooms are the very backbone of fictional, fairy tale nonsense, yet here they go hand in hand as an accepted fact.

But there are other ways of discovering whether or not a Nigerian child is demon-posessed and therefore worthy of repeated beatings and/or shunning:

Pastors have been accused of worsening the problem by claiming to have powers to recognize and exorcise "child witches," sometimes for a fee, aid workers said.

But some are true believers, such as one minister in Lagos, Nigeria. He pinpoints children affected by witchcraft for free, he said.

"Sometimes, we get a dream that shows us a certain person is suffering from witchcraft," said the Rev. Albert Aina, a senior pastor at Four Square Gospel Church. "Sometimes, you have a child who has inexplicable body marks because of struggling in the night. They are easy to identify, but why charge when you have been given a gift by God?" Aina said.

Calling your fake ability to expose individuals as witches a God-given gift to justify the torture of children is disgusting. The ritual beating and abusing of children ought to be considered the very antithesis of Christianity.

And don't try to tell me that this child witch crap is being perpetrated by some fringe religious group. Reverand Aina is the pastor of Four Square Gospel Church. That, to me, sounds like any wholesome, family-friendly church you could find on any street in America's Bible Belt.

And can we all face the fact that dreams mean absolutely nothing? Your dreams aren't prophetic, they aren't special messages from a higher power. Dreams are basically your brain taking a dump (or throwing up after a large dinner, if that makes you less uncomfortable for some reason). They don't actually mean anything. If they did, then according to my dreams, I have a secret desire to make-out with my father. Pastor Aina can interpret his dreams anyway he likes. If he feels they are missives beamed directly to his brain from God, so be it. They aren't, but whatever. When Aina reads over his dream journal though and decides that the Lord is suggesting he encourage people to abuse children for merely being children, then we've got a problem.

This horrible story also offers more proof to my theory that Christian missionary work is detrimental to the world's already fragile sanity. Haven't we been led to believe that missionaries are doing the Lord's work in poor communities around the globe? They go in and set up clinics, bring food, rebuild houses, play tetherball with skinny, shoeless children, etc. Unfortunately they also bring Bibles, build churches, and indoctrinate highly susceptible people with wacky ideas about hell, demon possession, and dream visions. I'm sure the vast majority of them probably mean well, but shouldn't missionaries want to make a place better instead of provide people with even more excuses to subjugate women and children?
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Saturday, May 16, 2009

Epic Badass Smack-Down: Film 1

It's finally here--the first GEP Movie Smack-Down of the summer!  And this one is epic, kiddies. That's right, brace yourself for the EPIC BADASS SMACK-DOWN!  And for the first time ever, you can read full reviews of each movie featured in the smackdown at our sister site, Movie Penguin.  So, strap on your athletic cup, take a deep swig of Jack Daniels, punch your best buddy in the face and get ready for the first of an epic, never before attempted eight film smackdown.
Title: Bloodsport

Badass: Jean Claude Van Damme

What the hell?: Bloodsport is the allegedly true story of CIA super-agent/American businessman/ninjutsu master Frank Dux, who became the first Westerner to win the Kumite, an underground, highly illegal, no-holds-barred orgy of sweaty male aggression held once a year in Hong Kong.  A young JCVD plays Dux as a compassionate, friendly, splits-enthusiast who in his spare time enjoys punching people in the crotch until they collapse.  Jean Claude battles his way through a whole host of grimacing martial arts masters, coming face to face with Kumite-fav, Chong Li, in the final bout.  Spoiler alert for complete morons: Van Damme totally wins.

What's to like: the touching friendship between Dux and Ray Jackson, a bearded, cross-eyed bare-knuckle fighter he bonds with over a video game karate match; Chong Li is one of the most likable psycho villains in film history; this is my first JCVD movie and, dammit, I found him to be all kinds of charming; duh, the fighting; this epic number from songsmith Stan Bush:

What's to not like: any scene without fighting; the failed attempt at adding a female love interest in the character of sexy journalist, Janice Kent, who only seems to be included to serve as a vehicle to introduce the audience to Van Damme's glorious naked ass.

The truth: It's always nice to find myself enjoying a movie I was earlier convinced I would despise.  Bloodsport is certainly not a martial arts classic, nor is an accurate portrayal of the life and times of Frank Dux, but the sweat-slicked, blood-spurting fight scenes and the forced, but nonetheless sweet, bromance between Dux and Jackson make it more than a little entertaining. I can't think of a better way to spend a measly 90 minutes than watching grown men punch the shit out of each other, can you?
Wow!  We are off to a super badass start, am I right?  Well, it's only gonna get manlier and manlier from here, so hold on tight.  Join us next time when we toss Sir Vin Diesel into the mix. 

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More Religious Idiocy

There's a "great" blurb in the News and Observer today about a couple in Minnesota being ordered by a judge to get their cancer-ridden son some chemotherapy or, rather, take him to a doctor and find out if chemotherapy is even still a viable option. You see, Colleen and Anthony Hauser belong to "a religious group that believes in using only natural healing methods practiced by some American Indians." Oh, dear God!

First of all, I find myself struck by the phrase "some American Indians." This either means a) a tribe of American Indians no one quite knows the name of ("Wait, who was it that prescribed this herb for the treatment of herpes?" "Oh, you know, some American Indians.") or b) that only "some" of the various different tribes of American Indians who roamed this great country before we rained on their parade (with genocide and're welcome) believe that these natural healing methods actually work. The "other" American Indians have presumably either turned to science and medical professionals for their healthcare needs or adopted even crazier natural healing methods than the Hauser's kooky church.

"The judge allowed Daniel [the son] to stay with his parents, noting they love him and acted in good faith, but he gave them until Tuesday to get an updated chest X-ray and select an oncologist"

The Hausers may love their son, but they clearly love and respect their silly superstitions just a titch more. Let me see if I'm hearing your correctly, Tony and Colleen: God would rather your son suffer and quite possibly die than take advantage of all the medical advances in cancer treatment that this country has to offer? God needs your son to fill a seat so badly in the heavenly choir, that he's called you to give feed him sage grass tea, powdered roots, and buffalo dung to cure his cancer? Idiots!

You don't love your son. You love feeling special and unique. "We believe only in natural Indian cures and drum circle chanting. Hospitals are evil places full of noxious chemicals and corporate greed. If anything, hospitals cause cancer." Any religion that advises you to reject professional medical attention or denounce blood transfusions or subject your children to unnecessary pain and suffering is evil and wrong. The judge was justified in forcing you to get help for your son and I hope that if he survives this ordeal, he rejects every bullshit belief you've ever forced into his mind.

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Mega Shark VS. Giant Octopus

Best movie ever or greatest movie ever? You decide!
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15 Reasons I Hate Beets

1. Beets look like blood-soaked tumors or swollen bull testicles, two things I have no desire to stick in my mouth.

2. I imagine they taste like snot.

3. Beets are the official side dish of the Klu Klux Klan, NAMBLA, and the Republican party.

4. Beets are known to have been Hitler's favorite vegetable.

5. They smell all "beety."

6. Poison-laced beets were widely distributed to children in the late 1920's in an effort to thin out the orphan herds that plagued America's heartland. (Wikipedia it!)

7. They seem to have a sinister psychic hold on my wife. Leave her alone, beets!

8. "Beet" sounds like "beat" and that makes me think of the time Mike Tyson physically abused Robin Givens and that makes me sad.

9. It was the eating of a beet that resulted in Adam and Eve's expulsion from the Garden of Eden, thus introducing sin to the world.

10. A beet murdered my best friend, man! 11. Beets notoriously make special occasion dinners far less special.

12. The awful poetry of the Beet Generation (ex. "I saw the best beets of my generation destroyed by microwave ovens, now I'm starving and hysterical." Utter crap!)

13. Iron Maiden's song "The Number of the Beet" has been cited as the inspiration/catalyst for the last seven public school shootings.

14. The characters on the popular Nickelodeon program Doug loved beets, and that show is totally lame.

15. Why don't they just learn to speak English already?!

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Coming Soon: Gooby

Concrete proof that Eugene Levy will appear in anything. Read the rest of this article.

Stop Already: Jon and Kate Plus Imminent Divorce

By now you're probably aware of the Gosselin family even if you've never seen their hit TLC reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8.  I've many times taken to the pages of this very blog to praise and defend this adorable TV family.  No more!  Frankly, I'm sick to the point of profuse vomiting of turning on my television and seeing the latest on Ma and Pa Gosselin's marital problems.  Jon's hanging out in bars with sexy coeds!  Kate's having an affair with her ruggedly handsome bodyguard!  Maddy Gosselin is selling state secrets to the Russians (unconfirmed)! Enough!  I want the $20.00 I spent on a Gosselin family photo last summer back, Kate. You fucked up our names when you autographed it anyway.

Let's start with Kate.  Sure, she gets a lot of crap for coming across like a B-I-T-C-H on her show, but in person I found her to be quite warm and friendly (and really hot--I mean, seriously, I'm not the only person at that event who noticed how nice her legs looked in that exquisitely short skirt, right?).  So, maybe the snarky editors of her program have done her a bit of a disservice.  Her supposed "bitchiness" doesn't really concern me at this point.  What bothers me is this load of bullshit she's been feeding the American public through Larry King Live and NBC's Today Show about how the Gosselins are a "normal" family.

Normal?  Really, Kate?  Most normal families I'm associated with don't have their own television shows or sanctuary speaking engagements.  I thought the Lawson family was pretty damn normal until I realized my parents never had an exclusive endorsement deal with Juicy Juice. Did you know, Kate, that when my family went on vacation we didn't get the entire back of the plane to ourselves to accommodate the camera crew that followed us around?  Wow. The Gosselins kinda make the Lawsons look like the Addams Family.

Your family life is anything but normal, so stop insisting that you're just like us.  I do agree that the tabloid vultures should leave you and those 'eight little faces' you're constantly pimping alone, but you've got to realize that it comes with the territory.  If you put yourself and your kids and your half-Asian husband out there for the world to watch, discuss, and despise, you've got to be prepared for the inevitable backlash.  If you don't think you can hack it, all you need to do is call up TLC and tell 'em that you want to STOP ALREADY.

And, seriously, what is up with this haircut:
It looks ridiculous.  Do you really mean to tell me that women all over the country are asking their hairdressers to give them the "Kate cut?"  "Yes, Pepe, make my head look like a squished bird of some kind.  If you can give my hair that 'freshly splattered against a window' look that dead birds get after they've splattered against a window, that would be great."  Geez!  What's going on in the above picture?  Running late for your Flock of Seagulls cover-band rehearsal?
And Jon.  You didn't think you could escape my wrath, did you?  I'll admit that I do have one foot in the "Kate pushed Jon to cheat" camp, though as a general rule I find infidelity quite loathsome. No, the trouble with you Jon is that you are apparently dumber than any one of the man-whores currently hoping for a shot at love with diminutive skank, Daisy De La Hoya.  You know what's going on, man.  You didn't really think you could hang out all night with a gaggle of drunken sorority girls and get away with it, did you?  I don't think you were doing anything untoward.  But, c'mon!  Like it or not, you are the father of eight young children and a reality TV star.  One, there is no way the media is going to let you get away with blowing off any steam, especially in a bar, drunk, surrounded by titties; and two, you're the father of eight children who respect and adore you...what the hell are you doing at a college bar at three in the morning?  Get your head out of your ass, Jon, and if you are banging that third grade teacher, STOP ALREADY!
Lastly, I'd like to address the tabloid media if I may.  Was there really nothing better to do than destroy the Gosselin family last week?  Are you 100% certain Lindsay Lohan isn't carrying Samantha Ronson's love child?  What about Mel Gibson?  He had to have said something anti-Semitic!  What about Susan Boyle's connections to organized crime?

I enjoy a juicy Olsen Twins rumor or pictures of fat Val Kilmer, but there's something disgusting about fetishizing the breakdown of a marriage.  

Also, do you really expect me to take Deanna Hummel's, the 23-year old teacher Jon is allegedly banging, older brother seriously.  Here's what he told US Weekly about his sister's affair with Gosselin:

“A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who’s, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.”

This is the most credible source you could find, US Weekly?  First of all, when did 23 become half of 32?  Almost twice her age?  32 isn't almost 46, douchebag!

Secondly, what self-respecting twenty-something uses the terms "ick" and "nast?"  I'm not even sure what "nast" means.  Douche!

Thirdly, where do you get off suggesting that "no one wants to hear his sister having sex?" Actually, you know what, I do agree with that one.  Sorry, douche.

Thirdly again, Kate is not "maybe-crazy."  She is straight-up, without-a-doubt, utterly bat-shit crazy.


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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Important Questions

It's being reported that Paper Moon star Ryan O'Neal was recently slapped with a restraining order by a family friend named Dania Marin. Allegedly, O'Neal called the 20-year old and offered to give her a car if she would come over to his house and masturbate with him.

Hold on. I know what you're thinking: ick. But let the idea sit there for a second. Roll it around in your brain for a couple of minutes and then answer me...

Q. If Ryan O'Neal offered you a car in exchange for a joint masturbation session, would you do it?

A. Of course!

It's a car, people! O'Neal didn't ask for a hand-job or indicate that he wanted to fondle Marin in an inappropriate way, he just wanted a jerk buddy. He wanted someone to join him on his potato chip bag littered wrap around couch and masturbate to some Tivo-ed Baywatch with him. And when both of you were finished up, well, here's the keys to your brand new car. Enjoy.

Was it not a good enough car? Most Americans don't have the financial means to exchange automobiles for kinky afternoon circle jerks. You'd be lucky to get a pack of airplane peanuts from me. But O'Neal is offering a car. What self-respecting 20 year old passes up a free car? I know he's not Orlando Bloom, but Dania, come on, the man has cars to spare!

Anyway, if the offer still stands and you don't mind waxing the cuke with a 30-year old, heterosexual married man, I would be more than happy to fly out to your home and rub one out with you, Mr. O'Neal. Just have my car gassed and ready to go after I towel off.

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Some Thoughts on Michael Savage and Willful Ignorance

Monday nights, when I'm driving home from band practice, I turn my radio dial to the local FM talk station to hear what old Michael Savage is up to. I don't agree with Savage's views on, well, anything and I find his style off-putting and needlessly hateful, but sometimes it's fun to listen to the opposition yammer away angrily about shit. As you have probably guessed, last night Savage was once again ranting about being banned from traveling to England. I was lucky enough to tune in just in time for Savage to fume over the fact that English citizens do not have the right to call police horses gay. Yes, friends, this is an issue important enough to Michael Savage that he actually devoted airtime to discussing it. Savage is a proud citizen of America, where everyone has the right, nay, the duty, to call any horse he or she thinks looks kinda "fruity," a fag. God bless America!

Was Jacqui Smith within her rights as Britain's home secretary to make public a list of 16 individuals, or "hate promoters" as they were referred to by the government, no longer allowed to tread upon English soil? Well, I guess, but that's not really the issue as far as I'm concerned. I for one think it is fantastic that an entire country has been made off limits to Michael Savage and his hate speech. He claims his first ammendment rights have been violated, but as he was reminded by Neil Conan when he appeared on NPR last week, Savage's first amendment rights don't mean shit overseas. Still, he's considering suing the British government, which we all know is moronic and will most likely join the litany of failed lawsuits filed by the radio personality over the years.Should Savage be allowed to spread his racist, homophobic, parnoid message via the American airwaves for three hours a day, five days a week? Absolutely. That is the beauty of our country. But to paraphrase Dennis Miller, Savage has the right to say whatever he wants and I have the right to mercilessly shit all over it.

And that's what irks me about Savage and Rush and O'Rielly. They can dish it out from their studios, seated behind their golden mics, surrounded by heaps of their stupid merchandise, but the moment anyone opposes them, they're being oppressed, they're being censored and discriminated against. It's this willful ignorance that forces me to scream at my radio when I'm driving home on Monday nights or finding myself momentarily caught in Fox News' web when I'm aimlessly flipping channels. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to Rush Limbaugh and asked my radio, "You aren't really that dumb, right?" He isn't dumb--none of them are--but they say dumb things. And I'm not talking about fudging historical facts or dubiously editing sound bites--though, these two actions severely piss me off as well and will probably be tackled at a later date and with a little more research then this purely reactionary bit of semi-comic fluff--but the statements of outright stupidity. Like, Savage forgetting that the rights of Americans set forth in our governing documents mean very little in a foreign country or Rush Limbaugh stating matter-of-factly that he hopes the Obama administration fails. Does he really? He wants our president to fail? Doesn't that mean that he wants the nation to fail, the nation that gives him the right to pollute the radio with his moronic blatherings and his racist song parodies?

Also, can I just call Michael Savage out for being a liar? He is. He claims that his words are taken out of context when people label him as a racist or a supporter of violence. Every time I've ever listened to his program--and I've literally listened a grand total of 45 minutes since I became aware of his existence--I've heard nothing but hate speech directed at Muslims, liberals, homosexuals, and those conservatives whom Savage deems not conservative enough. I've heard what he's said and, I believe, I've heard it all in the proper context. Maybe I'm the idiot.

Props to you, England, for banning this hate-filled goofball and his useless rhetoric from your country. Jolly good.

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