Sunday, May 31, 2009
I knew blue jeans were good for your health! God bless you, John Tesh. One question though: is it too late to win that dinner with you and the band? If not, where do you want to eat? We could maybe hit Outback, share a blooming onion? Will Connie be OK with that? What kind of dipping sauce do you like? Also, at dinner, if you don't mind, will you tell me the thrilling story of how you wrote the NBA On NBC theme song, "Roundball Rock"? I already know it, but it's sooooooo awesome! Oh, Tesh, is there anything you don't know oodles of pointless facts anyone with half a brain and access to the internet could read for themselves on Wikipedia about? Sigh.
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Saturday, May 30, 2009
The truth: Steven Seagal is a perfect example of someone making it big in Hollywood by knowing the right people, in this case agent Michael Ovitz. Seagul shuffles through every scene like a confused marionette and speaks every line in a smart-ass, wispy growl. His character is wholly unlikable. And the fight scenes are ridiculous. I'm sure akido is a sophisticated and complex martial art, but here's what it amounts to when performed by Seagal: guy steps toward Seagal, Seagal pushes him down. That's it! There aren't any Spinning Bird Kicks or Vulcan Neck Pinches, just a bunch of pushing. That's like every fight I ever witnessed in middle school.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
29. thinks Bed of Roses is waaaaaay better than The Godfather.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
OHIO GIRL ATTACKED BY PET LION HOSPITALIZED IN PITTSBURGH
The "lion" in question is, in fact, a mountain lion, but I'm more interested in the "pet" part. Who the hell keeps a mountain lion as a pet? A mountain lion is a brutal killing machine, not a cuddly bundle of purrs and mews. They'd sooner tear out your intestines than bat a ball of twine around.
I know what you're thinking: "But, Matt, look at those three precious mountain lion cubs at the top of the page. Surely they were put on this planet for me to snuggle and love." Sure, those furry bastards are three of the cutest baby animals I've ever laid eyes on, but in a couple of years that turns into this: And this:
And, Oh Sweet Jesus, this:
Oh, God, get it away from me!
Listen, if you've gotta have a pet mountain lion, fine, but for God's sake, don't send your kid out to the cage to feed it. In fact, if you're the kind of weird freak that has to keep a bloodthirsty killing machine caged in your backyard to feel special, you shouldn't be allowed to have kids. And while I'm on a roll, let's just make it totally illegal for people to keep anything but domesticated cats and dogs in their homes as pets, OK?. Let the birds fly free and the snakes slither wherever they'd like; let the fish explore the vast expanses of the ocean and the mountain lions do whatever it is they do far away from the local elementary school playground. What the WTF?!?Read the rest of this article.
2. Rape my daughters. Please. (Genesis 19:4-8): Back in the olden days, when a particular group of people succeeded in pissing God off, He would simply rain fire down upon them. These days, not so much, though I'm still unconvinced that there's not something to Jerry Falwell's claim that 9/11 happened because God hates abortion and Americans can't get enough of 'em! Anyway...
Before flattening the sinful cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, God sent two angels into town to get a feel for the scene, find out if there were any rightous people about. The angels meet Lot, who insists they stay at his home for the night. They accept, but upon reaching Lot's home, things get a little iffy:
4 Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. 5 They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."
6 Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him 7 and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. 8 Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof."
OK, first of all, what is up with the men of Sodom? There were apparently enough sex-starved men to literally surround Lot's house. Is this how people said "hello" in Jolly Olde Sodomtown?
"Good afternoon. Are you new in town?"
"Why yes, I am."
"Wonderful. Listen, I'm going to have sex with you now and then maybe I can show you around. How's that sound, chum?"
Lame, but mostly just creepy. The lamest part of this story is the fact that Lot offers his daughters to the crowd of sex-crazed perverts. This selfless act of charity tells God's representatives that Lot is an upstanding pious individual and, therefore, worthy of being spared the forthcoming heavenly smackdown.
Did you read what I wrote?! Lot offered his daughters' virginity in exchange for the safety of two complete strangers! I'm not suggesting that Lot should have responded with, "Oh, you wanna rape those two nice fellas I just welcomed into my house? Well, sure! You guys need lube or are you all set?" I am suggesting, however, that maybe Lot could've manned up a little bit, shut the door, and phoned the authorities. Also, do you see the harm in using this story to prove that God, in fact, hates homosexuals? If this is one of your go to verses to justify the continued denial of basic human rights to gays and lesbians, this is what you are saying about God: God hates homos, but he just loves a dude who pimps out his daughters. 3. The Promise Land: No Moses Allowed (Deuteronomy 32:48-52): The Old Testament God sure could hold a grudge. Seriously:
48 On that same day the LORD told Moses, 49 "Go up into the Abarim Range to Mount Nebo in Moab, across from Jericho, and view Canaan, the land I am giving the Israelites as their own possession. 50 There on the mountain that you have climbed you will die and be gathered to your people, just as your brother Aaron died on Mount Hor and was gathered to his people. 51 This is because both of you broke faith with me in the presence of the Israelites at the waters of Meribah Kadesh in the Desert of Zin and because you did not uphold my holiness among the Israelites. 52 Therefore, you will see the land only from a distance; you will not enter the land I am giving to the people of Israel."
Moses went through a lot to free God's chosen people from slavery and lead them to the Promise Land, and, OK, sure, he got a little out of control that time when he smacked that rock just a little too hard (that's the story, right, if I remember my Sunday school lessons correctly?), but, c'mon. I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, God, but cut the guy some slack. For the most part, Moses did a pretty good job, right? God basically tells Moses, "Climb this mountain and die...oh, and while you're dying, check out this sweet place the Israelites are getting." That's cold, man, ice cold. 4. Lot's daughters gone wild (Genesis 19:4-8): So, maybe Lot had his flaws (the whole "go ahead and rape my daughters if it'll get you to quiet down--we're trying to sleep in here!" thing), but his daughters weren't much better. I guess they learned by example. After fleeing from Sodom, where Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt for committing the unspeakable act of taking one last look at her hometown, Lot and his daughters set up home in a cave. Apparently, this cave is located in some post-apocalyptic wasteland, because according to Lot's oldest daughter "there is no man around here to lie with us." So, instead of putting on some makeup, saddling up the camel, and heading into the nearest oasis for a hook-up, Lot's daugthers get their father drunk and get down with a little incest action. This, to me, is the epitome of laziness. There had to be guys around. I know it was Biblical times and there weren't billions of people clogging up ever inch of the Earth, but there had to be some horny dudes less related to you somewhere.
5. David and Bathsheba, or The Lamest Story Ever Told (2 Samuel 11): Who hasn't watched a buddy's wife take an outdoor bath and thought about banging her? It's the most natural thing in the world! Most of us haven't gone through with it though and if we have, we at least used a condom or pulled out . King David gets Uriah's wife, Bathsheba, pregnant and then scrambles to cover the whole thing up. First, he tries to get Uriah to go home and have sex with Bathsheba, but Uriah decides to hang out at the palace with his boys. Next, David gets Uriah liquored up, hoping he will stumble home, fall on top of his wife, and make sloppy, baby-making love to her, but this also fails. So, David does the only other thing he can think of:
14 In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it with Uriah. 15 In it he wrote, "Put Uriah in the front line where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die."
Oh, snap! David has Uriah killed! What a pussy move! And what does David get for his misdeed: a dead baby. Nice one, Davey!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
1. Holy crap, did you catch the fifth season premiere of TLC's popular reality show about current tabloid favs, Jon and Kate Gosselin, and their unfortunate progeny? I winced my way through the majority of an episode rife with uncomfortable moments, the most significant being a short joint interview with the Gosselins, in which neither parent acknowledged the other's presence. Awk-ward!
Say hi to London or, as I like to call him, The One Who Tries Way Too Hard. London's father kicked him out of the house, possibly for rocking too hard (though I doubt it), forcing him to crash on the couches of various friends. Homeless, usually drunk, and full of feelings he cannot describe, London decided to excuse himself from "Daisy's house" before he caused her any more pain or used up all her make-up.
This poor schmuck was bestowed with the nickname Chi Chi, which in Jamaica is a derogatory term for a homosexual male. His back story isn't as tragic as the fact that he is Daisy-sized and sounds like a Munchkin when he talks.
This tragic figure, Fox, was born without a brain. How he functions on a daily basis is still a mystery, but some theorize that he is controlled by a system of levers and pulleys by a cockroach that resides in his empty skull.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
More of that Robert Downey Jr. magic and the triumphant return of Mr. Jude Law. I'm pretty excited about this one.
You know a movie is gonna suck when its trailer begins with Heather Graham and ends with a fart joke. If Baby on Board doesn't go down in history as one of the worst cinematic travesties the world has ever known, I will eat my hat. Not my nice hat, mind you, but that one I own made out of Rice Krispie treats.
From the studio that brought you Gooby comes The Bracelet of Bordeaux. Wait, so running down an old woman with a lawn mower and firing a revolver at a man's feet equals good, clean family fun? For shame, Monterey Media.
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Donations at the Cross Timbers Community Church had slumped because of the economic downturn. Pastor Toby Slough thought that his congregants had to be hurting, too.
His gesture, instead, was met with an unexpected response: The church had its highest offering ever.
It was a eureka moment for Slough: Give away money to those who need it, knowing his church members will help fill the need.
"In these economic times, we can't be so into church business that we forget what our business is, and that is to help people," Slough told CNN television affiliate KDAF in Dallas-Forth Worth, Texas.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
2. Rihanna- "Umbrella"
3. The Avett Brothers- "Paranoia in B Major"
4. The Postal Service- "Nothing Better"
5. Crystal Castles-"Crimewave"
What's to like: a surprisingly charming Vin Diesel; gobs of neat-o explosions.
The truth: xXx isn't the worst action flick I've ever seen, in fact, in a lot of ways, it's pretty damn enjoyable. It moves at a brisk pace and there are plenty of pretty girls, fancy weapons of mass destruction, and fiery explosions to look it. And who doesn't enjoy a rousing, flame-broiled Rammstein performance? Unfortunately, a script full of goofy one-liners and one-dimensional Russian baddies drag the film into familiar, uninteresting territory.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Jamie Foxx has been tipped to play late Rat Pack crooner Frank Sinatra, according to reports.
Leonardo DiCaprio and Harry Connick Jr. were among the names rumoured to be in contention for the role after it was announced earlier this month that filmmaker Martin Scorsese will direct a biopic.
But now African-American actor Foxx, who won an Oscar for his portrayal of Ray Charles in 2004's Ray, has emerged as the favourite to play Ol' Blue Eyes.
And studio bosses are convinced Foxx has the charisma and talent to tackle the role of Sinatra, who died in 1998.
An insider tells Britain's Daily Star, "Jamie would seem to be born to the role. Magnificent voice, convincing acting ability - like Frank himself - born the wrong side of the tracks, makes it big against all odds, has his brush with authority. The guy's a gift."
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Christian Eshiett was a rambunctious pre-teen who spent a lot of time cavorting with his friends in southern Nigeria. He would skip school and run away from home for days, frustrating his grandfather, who oversaw the boy's care.
"I beat him severely with canes until they broke, yet he never shed a tear," said Eshiett Nelson Eshiett, 76. "One day, I took a broom to hit him and he started crying. Then I knew he was possessed by demons. ... Nigerian witches are terrified of brooms."
Are you sure Nigerian witches are afraid of brooms and not just crazy-eyed, superstitious people beating the crap out of them? I myself am not generally afraid of brooms (though I admit, I find brooms, for the most part, to be completely useless and illogical), but if I was ritually beaten each day with one, I'm pretty sure I'd start avoiding brooms as a rule.
Also, isn't it funny that in Nigeria you can tell that someone's a witch by their fear of every cartoon hag's mode of transportation? Witches and brooms are the very backbone of fictional, fairy tale nonsense, yet here they go hand in hand as an accepted fact.
But there are other ways of discovering whether or not a Nigerian child is demon-posessed and therefore worthy of repeated beatings and/or shunning:
Pastors have been accused of worsening the problem by claiming to have powers to recognize and exorcise "child witches," sometimes for a fee, aid workers said.
But some are true believers, such as one minister in Lagos, Nigeria. He pinpoints children affected by witchcraft for free, he said.
"Sometimes, we get a dream that shows us a certain person is suffering from witchcraft," said the Rev. Albert Aina, a senior pastor at Four Square Gospel Church. "Sometimes, you have a child who has inexplicable body marks because of struggling in the night. They are easy to identify, but why charge when you have been given a gift by God?" Aina said.
Calling your fake ability to expose individuals as witches a God-given gift to justify the torture of children is disgusting. The ritual beating and abusing of children ought to be considered the very antithesis of Christianity.
And don't try to tell me that this child witch crap is being perpetrated by some fringe religious group. Reverand Aina is the pastor of Four Square Gospel Church. That, to me, sounds like any wholesome, family-friendly church you could find on any street in America's Bible Belt.
And can we all face the fact that dreams mean absolutely nothing? Your dreams aren't prophetic, they aren't special messages from a higher power. Dreams are basically your brain taking a dump (or throwing up after a large dinner, if that makes you less uncomfortable for some reason). They don't actually mean anything. If they did, then according to my dreams, I have a secret desire to make-out with my father. Pastor Aina can interpret his dreams anyway he likes. If he feels they are missives beamed directly to his brain from God, so be it. They aren't, but whatever. When Aina reads over his dream journal though and decides that the Lord is suggesting he encourage people to abuse children for merely being children, then we've got a problem.
This horrible story also offers more proof to my theory that Christian missionary work is detrimental to the world's already fragile sanity. Haven't we been led to believe that missionaries are doing the Lord's work in poor communities around the globe? They go in and set up clinics, bring food, rebuild houses, play tetherball with skinny, shoeless children, etc. Unfortunately they also bring Bibles, build churches, and indoctrinate highly susceptible people with wacky ideas about hell, demon possession, and dream visions. I'm sure the vast majority of them probably mean well, but shouldn't missionaries want to make a place better instead of provide people with even more excuses to subjugate women and children?
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Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
2. I imagine they taste like snot.
3. Beets are the official side dish of the Klu Klux Klan, NAMBLA, and the Republican party.
4. Beets are known to have been Hitler's favorite vegetable.
5. They smell all "beety."
7. They seem to have a sinister psychic hold on my wife. Leave her alone, beets!
8. "Beet" sounds like "beat" and that makes me think of the time Mike Tyson physically abused Robin Givens and that makes me sad.
9. It was the eating of a beet that resulted in Adam and Eve's expulsion from the Garden of Eden, thus introducing sin to the world.
12. The awful poetry of the Beet Generation (ex. "I saw the best beets of my generation destroyed by microwave ovens, now I'm starving and hysterical." Utter crap!)
13. Iron Maiden's song "The Number of the Beet" has been cited as the inspiration/catalyst for the last seven public school shootings.
14. The characters on the popular Nickelodeon program Doug loved beets, and that show is totally lame.
15. Why don't they just learn to speak English already?!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
And Jon. You didn't think you could escape my wrath, did you? I'll admit that I do have one foot in the "Kate pushed Jon to cheat" camp, though as a general rule I find infidelity quite loathsome. No, the trouble with you Jon is that you are apparently dumber than any one of the man-whores currently hoping for a shot at love with diminutive skank, Daisy De La Hoya. You know what's going on, man. You didn't really think you could hang out all night with a gaggle of drunken sorority girls and get away with it, did you? I don't think you were doing anything untoward. But, c'mon! Like it or not, you are the father of eight young children and a reality TV star. One, there is no way the media is going to let you get away with blowing off any steam, especially in a bar, drunk, surrounded by titties; and two, you're the father of eight children who respect and adore you...what the hell are you doing at a college bar at three in the morning? Get your head out of your ass, Jon, and if you are banging that third grade teacher, STOP ALREADY!
Lastly, I'd like to address the tabloid media if I may. Was there really nothing better to do than destroy the Gosselin family last week? Are you 100% certain Lindsay Lohan isn't carrying Samantha Ronson's love child? What about Mel Gibson? He had to have said something anti-Semitic! What about Susan Boyle's connections to organized crime?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Hold on. I know what you're thinking: ick. But let the idea sit there for a second. Roll it around in your brain for a couple of minutes and then answer me...
A. Of course!
It's a car, people! O'Neal didn't ask for a hand-job or indicate that he wanted to fondle Marin in an inappropriate way, he just wanted a jerk buddy. He wanted someone to join him on his potato chip bag littered wrap around couch and masturbate to some Tivo-ed Baywatch with him. And when both of you were finished up, well, here's the keys to your brand new car. Enjoy.
Was it not a good enough car? Most Americans don't have the financial means to exchange automobiles for kinky afternoon circle jerks. You'd be lucky to get a pack of airplane peanuts from me. But O'Neal is offering a car. What self-respecting 20 year old passes up a free car? I know he's not Orlando Bloom, but Dania, come on, the man has cars to spare!
Anyway, if the offer still stands and you don't mind waxing the cuke with a 30-year old, heterosexual married man, I would be more than happy to fly out to your home and rub one out with you, Mr. O'Neal. Just have my car gassed and ready to go after I towel off.
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Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Was Jacqui Smith within her rights as Britain's home secretary to make public a list of 16 individuals, or "hate promoters" as they were referred to by the government, no longer allowed to tread upon English soil? Well, I guess, but that's not really the issue as far as I'm concerned. I for one think it is fantastic that an entire country has been made off limits to Michael Savage and his hate speech. He claims his first ammendment rights have been violated, but as he was reminded by Neil Conan when he appeared on NPR last week, Savage's first amendment rights don't mean shit overseas. Still, he's considering suing the British government, which we all know is moronic and will most likely join the litany of failed lawsuits filed by the radio personality over the years.Should Savage be allowed to spread his racist, homophobic, parnoid message via the American airwaves for three hours a day, five days a week? Absolutely. That is the beauty of our country. But to paraphrase Dennis Miller, Savage has the right to say whatever he wants and I have the right to mercilessly shit all over it.
And that's what irks me about Savage and Rush and O'Rielly. They can dish it out from their studios, seated behind their golden mics, surrounded by heaps of their stupid merchandise, but the moment anyone opposes them, they're being oppressed, they're being censored and discriminated against. It's this willful ignorance that forces me to scream at my radio when I'm driving home on Monday nights or finding myself momentarily caught in Fox News' web when I'm aimlessly flipping channels. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to Rush Limbaugh and asked my radio, "You aren't really that dumb, right?" He isn't dumb--none of them are--but they say dumb things. And I'm not talking about fudging historical facts or dubiously editing sound bites--though, these two actions severely piss me off as well and will probably be tackled at a later date and with a little more research then this purely reactionary bit of semi-comic fluff--but the statements of outright stupidity. Like, Savage forgetting that the rights of Americans set forth in our governing documents mean very little in a foreign country or Rush Limbaugh stating matter-of-factly that he hopes the Obama administration fails. Does he really? He wants our president to fail? Doesn't that mean that he wants the nation to fail, the nation that gives him the right to pollute the radio with his moronic blatherings and his racist song parodies?
Also, can I just call Michael Savage out for being a liar? He is. He claims that his words are taken out of context when people label him as a racist or a supporter of violence. Every time I've ever listened to his program--and I've literally listened a grand total of 45 minutes since I became aware of his existence--I've heard nothing but hate speech directed at Muslims, liberals, homosexuals, and those conservatives whom Savage deems not conservative enough. I've heard what he's said and, I believe, I've heard it all in the proper context. Maybe I'm the idiot.
Props to you, England, for banning this hate-filled goofball and his useless rhetoric from your country. Jolly good.
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