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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

What the WTF - Sarah Palin: Poet?



You know, Sarah Palin's a mystery to me. I know how everyone says she's dumb and stuff, and she sure as shit seems pretty dumb sometimes, but I mostly think she's more weird than dumb, and I think that weirdness is calculated. But to what ends? That's the mystery. I can't imagine she feels like she's endearing herself to anyone but die-hard Alaskan loners and goof-ball Republicans who don't have enough sense to get out of the pool during a thunderstorm. Maybe she's crazy.

Or maybe she's an aspiring poet. As Conan points out (and as illustrated by William Shatner), there's certainly something poetic about these lines from her farewell speech. Sure, they're funny 'cause they don't make much sense, but they're also thoroughly facinating because they clearly aspire to a Robert Frost via Jack London sort of poetic diction. The fact that she sounds more like Jimmy Stewart than London or Frost shouldn't stop you from enjoying this video.

At least Jimmy Stewart's poetry made sense.

Via Hit and Run

The Washington Examiner provides some helpful clarification.


- Read the rest of this article.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Sunday Morning Music - Kris Kristofferson "Why Me?"



I read Kristofferson's 1973 hit as more a proto-slowcore lament in the sad-sack tradition of Ecclesiastes (from the Bible)than the church-friendly (the books of the Bible are mostly church-unfriendly, and probably for good reason) song of regret and redemption most seem to interpret it as.

I mean, Kristofferson practically moans with pathological self loathing ("So help me Jesus, I know what I am") and mopes like a clingy ex-boyfriend ("Try me, Lord, if you think there's a way I can try to repay all I've taken from you"). And what's with the notion that he needs to do something to "deserve even one of the pleasure [he's] known?" So fucked up, but also truly stirring and surprisingly edifying.

You don't have to profess fealty to a savior to understand the spent desperation on display here, and that simple expression of complete frustration is comforting in the way a shoulder to cry on or a "dude, I totally know what you mean" is comforting--and in the way a simplistic "turn to Jesus" interpretation is totally not at all comforting (or even interesting).

Perfect listening for a Sunday morning spent at home mulling over your failures privately, contemplating how things got so bad, and wishing you'd passed on that last helping illicit drugs. Read the rest of this article.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I'm Tweeting as Loud as I Can

Twitter: it's stupid, but everything's stupid.  When I created a Twitter account for Giant Electric Penguin, my wife told me that according to a report on NPR, the majority of new Twitter users only hang around for a month before growing bored with the service and abandoning it completely. "What do a bunch of NPR nerds know about popular internet trends?" I scoffed.

I'm here to tell you that my wife was half right.  Yes, after one month of letting my "followers," of which I may have had 15 or so at that point, know what I was up to every second of the day, I got pretty damn bored.  But then something amazing happened, something I call the Twitter Renaissance.  Suddenly I was "tweeting" with a joy I hadn't know since I first discovered the delicate art of genital self-manipulation.  "Tweeting" became my anti-drug and the monkey on the back at the same time and I was one satisfied junkie.

Eventually you hit a wall with Twitter.  "What more can I tweet?" you ask yourself shortly after alerting people that you have just mowed your lawn and eaten a popsicle (I actually "twittered" that. I'm sorry.).  The only thing left is to create a Twitter phenomenon and get it in the list of Trending Topics on the right side of the screen.  So, that's just what I've done.  Check the Twitter feed on this very site and you'll see my first attempt at starting a trend, the "#fakequiz."  You know those quizzes your Facebook friends take?  People on Twitter do that too.  They'll take a quiz and post the following message: "I just took that [NAME OF QUIZ HERE] and got [STUPID RESULT HERE]" and then a link to the quiz so other idiots can take it too.  So, I thought I'd make up some dumb fake quiz names and maybe make the illustrious Trending Topics list.

I'm asking you, GEP Army, to get on Twitter and start making up some fake quiz names.  Let's make my dream of being a "trending tweeter" a reality.  Together we can knock Michael Jackson off the list once and for all.


Read the rest of this article.

Saturday Morning News Bits: cat orgy, Shaq-Fu Panda, giant killer jellyfish, and animal oddities

1.) CAN'T SWING A LIVE CAT IN TEXAS WITHOUT HITTING A DEAD WOMAN
Glinnie Berry was affectionately known in her Blanco County, Texas neighborhood as the "cat lady," but very few people knew just how much of a "cat lady" she truly was until deputies showed up at her house and found her dead body surrounded by 80 feisty felines. Surprisingly, most of the cats were in perfect health. Berry, however, had never taken Bob Barker's daily plea to spay and neuter one's pets to heart, so her home had become a 24 hour cat orgy, a freaky feline fuckfest if you will. Kitten litters literally littered the home and some of the kittens were airlifted to local animal hospitals to treat eye and lung infections.

Berry kept to herself mostly, but her cats shared their stench with the entire neighborhood as cats are wont to do:

"Neighbors said the stench from Berry's property travels to the road, making it difficult to pass by.
Charlie Ewing said, “(It's) like a very strong animal feces smell
.”"

You think?

2.) SHAQ AND A PANDA
I don't really have much to say about this, I just think the photograph of Shaquille O'Neal cradling a panda at the Panda Breeding Research Center in China is hilarious. Shortly after the picture was taken, Mr. O'Neal consumed the still-living panda whole and asked for seconds.

Nah. That didn't happen. Look at that picture!!! LOLZ!
3.) FIRST GODZILLA, NOW THIS?
As if the people of Japan didn't have enough to worry about (North Korean rocket tests, a high suicide rate, giant moth attacks, etc.), now a bunch of
gargantuan jellyfish have decided to fuck shit up:

"The jellyfish destroy fishermen's nets, getting trapped in them, tearing holes and ruining catches.

Fishermen often use expensive mazelike nets that stretch for hundreds of kilometers. When swarms of giant jellyfish tear them, the result is devastating.

"Communities of fishermen and these fishing villages own these nets," Graham said. "When these nets get wiped out, it actually has this economic devastation for an entire community.""

Who knew the gummy pools of slime you find littering America's beaches could be so destructive. Of course, those little bundles of disgusting are nothing compared to the big-ass jellyfish pictured above. Look at that thing, man. It's unbelievable. I don't want to speak for the Japanese people, but I think it might be time to call on Gamera for some assistance.
4.) AWWWWWW...IT'S DISGUSTING
A Charlotte, NC woman recently outbid a Coney Island freak show owner for posession of a five-legged Chihuahua-terrier mix named
Precious. Allyson Siegel just couldn't bear the thought of lil' Precious being gawked at by hundreds of slack-jawed tourists each day, so she coughed up the cash necessary and rescued the little bundle of ick. John Strong, the sideshow owner, was disappointed but optimistic saying, "Sometimes, you just gotta say, 'OK, I still have nine live, two-headed animals' and move on.'' That's the spirit, John.

Wait...what? He has nine live, two-head animals in his possession? As a service to our readers, I tried to find out just what kind of animals Mr. Strong houses at his Coney Island freakatorium, but came up short. I did, however, come across several disturbing photographs of some rather horrifying freaks of nature...freaks of nature like: Bingo, the one-eyed, stillborn cat; Sweetsie, the kitten with eight legs; Nibbles, the conjoined pig; and Mr. Rutherford, the severely f'ed up baby chicken. You're welcome in advance for the nightmares.

Read the rest of this article.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Great news for people who are into this sort of thing which I am so totally not...

It was revealed this week that a loophole in Rhode Island law makes it completely legal for 16 and 17-year-old girls to work as strippers anywhere in the state.  Some individuals might see this news as a cause for much rejoicing, but not me.  I think it's sick.  Only a degenerate would want to watch girls under the age of 18 writhe around half-naked on a strip club stage.  Sick.

Representative Joanne Giannini, a woman with some common sense and decency, is speaking out against this horrifying new trend in after school employment.  She is currently drafting a bill that will outlaw underage stripping in Rhode Island and I for one am glad.  Just the thought of a 16 or 17-year-old girl gyrating  and undulating in a dimly-lit club while a 50 Cent song blares on the sound system makes me want to vomit.  Gross.  Ick.  

Underage stripping isn't the only thing in Giannini's sights (thank God!), so is teenage prostitution, which is also 100% legal under current law.  That's right, perverts.  You can legally pay money to have a teenage girl give you a hand-job in some rent by the hour motel and not be thrown in jail for it.  A young woman who just aced her calculus exam mere hours earlier could right now be headed over to your house for some perfectly legal oral penis manipulation.  You could be negotiating prices for twisted acts of sexual intercourse with a 17-year-old cheerleader who works as a hooker to raise money for college right this very second if you lived in the state of Rhode Island.  I am going to be physically sick right now.  Make it stop.

You should be ashamed, Rhode Island.  God bless you and your campaign to put a stop to the fun of thousands of pervy old Rhode Island sickos, Rep Giannini.  In fact, I have half a mind to fly up there this weekend and check out this debauchery for myself, you know, and lend a helping hand.  To you.  My hand will be for you, Ms. Giannini.  For the helping.  Not for the slapping of hot teenage ass.  Sorry.

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Turtles: # 1 Top Animal

If you know me, you know I like turtles. I think turtles are the A+ super top dog animals just behind cats and babies, and I have the t-shirt to prove it. (Thanks Nathan!)

I think they're cool like tanks, cute like buttons, and they have the potential to become mutant ninjas, and that's really cool too. Plus, they're hard as crap and they don't run away from danger like dogs and other lame-ass creatures. (Cats aren't lame, but they do run away from stuff. Babies don't run away.)

Here's some vids that'll PROVE that turtles are the best animals in the world (besides cats and babies).

1.

If you can ignore the cheesy music in this vid, you'll see the single most cutest animal in the reptile kingdom: the turtle. Doesn't it look like one of those buttons I mentioned earlier? It's small and has holes in it, just like a button.


2.

Here's a turtle illustrating how tough turtles are. Most animals would run away from a dog; this turtle is tearing right into the dog. Look at that turtle give that dog the business. That's what I'm talking about.

3.

I think these turtles are playing football. The one turtle is playing tight end, and the other one split the uprights! 4 points! Can I play next game? Read the rest of this article.

We Will Never Forget...

Gidget, The Taco Bell Dog, Dead At 15
Rest in Peace

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Harry Potter Works Magic on Japanese Girl, Makes Her Cry, Doesn't Like Her Yoghurt



This clip of Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe meeting a Japanese girl is interesting on many levels. It's got wands and magics and gifts and several Japanese people, but it also perfectly illustrates why I don't like to meet famous people I admire: I'm afraid I'll get fits of spontaneous drooling and have the uncontrollable urge to stroke his or her face.

Via Topless Robot


- Read the rest of this article.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Shows You Should Be Watching: Web Soup

Sure, you could just visit YouTube or one of a million other sites on the internets to see weird, stupid, and hilarious Web videos for yourself, but where's the fun in that.  I'd rather have someone like Chris Hardwick there to guide me through it all and do funny shit like this:

(Web Soup airs Sunday nights at 9:00 on G4)


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9 Redheads We Love

1.) KERRI GREEN
I was, and a little part of me still is, completely in love with Kerri Green when I was a young man. To me, she was the perfect girl--cute, red-haired, and kind to nerds. You see, like Charlie Brown, I too had a little red-haired girl who I pined for: Cassie Cooper. Ours was a love that would not surive her move to Colorado and return to Troy, so I had to live vicariously through Lucas and the Goonies. They won the heart (sort of) of their redheaded object of affection while, alas, I did not.
2.) ARIEL
I don't know if it was blazing shock of bright red hair, the angelic singing voice, or the shell Miracle Bra, but I was also in love with Ariel growing up. She was just so pretty and nice and half-naked. And she had that cavern full of treasures. I wanted to be a merman so bad after watching that movie, I damn near drowned myself the next time we went to the lake. "Matt, you idiot," my father said as he pulled me gasping for air out of the muddy water, "mermaids live in the ocean, not the lake." Dejected, I sat on my beach towel for the remainder of the afternoon, crying onto my moderately priced concession stand hot dog.

3.) ISLA FISHER
Whoever said that beautiful women can't be funny, first of all, should have all of his teeth kicked in. Secondly, it's obvious he hasn't seen Isla Fisher in action. As Gloria Cleary in 2005's Wedding Crashers, Fisher flawlessly steals the thunder of both Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson. Plus, she is the mother of Sacha Baron Cohen's child, I mean, c'mon, do you think he'd have a baby with just anyone? Hell no!
4.) ARCHIE ANDREWS
Archie is a total f'ing stud! Who else could court the richest girl in town and the girl next door at the same time and totally get away with it? How does Archie fucking do it? It sure ain't the car. And it's not like he's much of a student. And when is the last time you saw Archie take on a job and actually complete it succesfully? I read a lot of Archie comics growing up and I can assure you that he is the consummate screw-up. So, what is it about Archie that makes him so damn desirable to Betty and Veronica? Apparently, Riverdale bitches go crazy for the Bozo-orange hair, the chalky white skin, the bushy black eyebrows, and the saucer-sized freckles. Archie, you are officially my hero.
5.) AMY ADAMS
Name one person more delightful than Amy Adams. I bet you can't do it. She was a revelation in Junebug (as well as the only reason to watch) and, being a sucker for heartwarming musical numbers featuring housecleaning vermin, I really enjoyed Enchanted. And who was singled-out as the only highlight in the national nightmare that was Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian? That's right: Amy Adams.
6.) KYLE BROFLOVSKI
The voice of reason on Comedy Central's long running animated series, Kyle possess perhaps the most impressive 'fro of any animated Jew in the history of cartoons. It is simply spectacular, a thing of beauty that deserves respect.
7.) JESSICA RABBIT
Ms. Rabbit has the distinction of being the first cartoon character ever to make me feel kind of funny "down there." Even now looking at this picture of her produces slight movement in me underwears. AGH! It's sick, I know, but look at her. In 1988, this was my porn before I even knew what porn was. God bless you, Robert Zemeckis.
8.) MOLLY RINGWALD
Ally Sheedy was my favorite Breakfast Clubber (cuz I likes 'em weird and chock full of dandruff), but I defy you not to fall in love with Molly in Pretty in Pink. Sure, her homemade prom dress is an absolute travesty and, yes, her choice of boyfriend (Blane? Ugh.) leaves a lot to be desired and, OK, sure, her best friend is an abnormally obnoxious closet case, but she tries so hard. Sigh.
9.)JOSIE of the Josie and the Pussycats
What can I say? I've got a thing for short-haired redheads in skintight cat suits who play lead guitar.


(It goes without saying, but we've also got a lot of love for close friend/loyal commenter, Gabe Sealy-Morris. Mwah!)

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Epic Badass Smack-Down: The Results

On May 16, GEP started a battle royale of appropriately epic proportions, pitting the globe's biggest badasses against one another in a star-studded Kumite we called the EPIC BADASS SMACKDOWN! It is now July 20 and a victor stands triumphant and studly upon the corpses of his (or her) fellow contestants. Prepare yourself for the EPIC BADASS SMACKDOWN COUNTDOWN TO VICTORY! OH, YEAH!

9. ABOVE THE LAW (STEVEN SEAGAL)
Simply put, Steven Seagal's debut film is a snooze-fest. I can barely remember anything that happened. I think someone tries to blow up a Catholic church at some point, but the explosion ends up doing nothing more than killing Seagal's very favorite priest. And how could I forget the fact that Sharon Stone stars and never once bares her breasts or flashes her cooch.For shame, Ms. Stone. Why do you think we watch your movies in the first place? You entered into a sacred trust with American males back in '92 and I aim to hold you accountable. You get a pass since Above the Law was released in '88, but you had it in you...you know you did!

As far as Steven Seagal's badassery goes, well, he's really more of a smart ass in this role. Nico Toscani has to be one of the most irritating, least realistic detectives ever portrayed on celluiod. He's smirky and jerky and just plain mean. Maybe I chose the wrong Seagal outing, but from what I saw on display in Above the Law I'm guessing there ain't much depth to that well, if you know what I'm saying.

8. THE ONE (JET LI)
I've been informed by a good friend that Jet Li is more watchable in period pieces. He suggested watching Once Upon a Time in China or The Legend to experience Li at his best and I intend to do just that, this friend being a trusted source for movies and such. That being said: The One's Jet Li is a charisma-free, blank-eyed mandroid of some kind. He's been programmed to punch, kick, and fly, but he lacks the emotions that continue to separate man from machine.

The movie, though, is much worse than the performance (I for one found Li extremely likable--but, c'mon, a likable badass? No fucking thanks.). It's boring and familar and not even the presence of Jason Statham (another badass on our epic list) makes the proceedings any more entertaining. Wasteful sci-fi trash!

7. UNDEFEATABLE (CYNTHIA ROTHROCK)
The only female on our list falls tragically short, but to be fair, it is by no fault of her own. Rothrock isn't given the amount of screentime needed to establish herself as a viable force of badassitude. Sure, she kicks a few dudes' asses in some back alley brawls, but the memorable moments are dominated by the film's villain extrordinaire, eye-plucking madman Stingray. The movie itself, while laughably amateurish, features some pretty cool martial arts stuff and is one of the only movies on our smackdown in which I wouldn't be surprised to find out that the bulk of the "actors" did their own stunts. Sorry, ladies, but Rothrock doesn't have what it takes to top our list this time.

6. CONAN THE BARBARIAN (ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER)
The best thing that came out of watching and reviewing Conan: I can now spell the governor of California's surname without Googling it first.

Conan isn't a horrible film, but compared to what Peter Jackson has done with the sword-n-sorcery paradigm, it falls way, way short. Plus, it kind of feels like a set-up for a series rather than a complete film unto itself (an elderly Ahnold in kingly regale seated upon a throne following the grand finale doesn't help matters much). That being said, it's got some great action set pieces and plenty of boobs to keep your inner horny seventh grader satiated.

5. RAMBO (SYLVESTER STALLONE)
Rambo could've cracked our top three if it wasn't for all that sad. And all the hokey computer effects. Hell, I would've preferred good old fashioned blood packets and squibs. There may be some of that here and there, but most of the gun battles look a little too video game ready as far as I'm concerned. The story is simple, which works in the movie's favor, and Stallone does little to tarnish the image of a national fictional treasure, which is more than I can say for a certain Mr. Spielberg and his archeologist friend. And I wouldn't really call John Rambo a badass per se. He's more mumbly than anything else.

4. THE ART OF WAR (WESELY SNIPES)
I've read a lot of amateur reviews for The Art of War after watching it and finding myself pleasantly surprised and have learned that a lot of people downright hate this picture. I myself admitted that it was hacky and predictable, but I still found myself drawn in by it's siren song. A lot of the complaints are levelled against Wesley Snipes and the fact that his act is the same in every movie he does. I don't have a very wide knowledge of Snipes' film output, so I wasn't bothered by his smart ass tone and his action star on auto pilot attitude. I had enough of a good time watching The Art of War to warrant giving it the #4 spot on our countdown, so, whatevs.

3. xXx (VIN DIESEL)
No, you haven't stumbled into a wormhole, been torn limb from limb, and found yourself reformed in an alternate dimension: xXx is in our top 3. Congratulations! True, it's just as CGI happy as its fellow list mate Rambo, but there's something gloriously cartoony about the whole thing. Rambo's CGI explosions and crumpled dead bodies equals depression; xXx's? Rollicking good times.

And as far as badasses go, well, you can't do much better than Xander Cage, the smart-alecky, ramp-jumping, avalanche-outrunning, super secret agent played by Vin Diesel.

2. BLOODSPORT (JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME)Bloodsport is awesome!

I literally wrote and deleted five opening sentences before settling on that one. I don't know what it is about Bloodsport that makes me like it so much, but JCVD plays a huge part. He's so darn likable as Frank Dux, a man fighting for honor and glory in the Kumite, a violent underground mixed martial arts competition that pits badasses from all over the world against each other (kinda like our smackdown!). The forced love story between Dux and a nosy reporter falls flat, but the fight scenes are wholly entertaining. And I can't stop sharing with friends and family my newfound love and respect for JCVD's naked ass. It, readers, is a thing of infinite beauty.

1. CRANK (JASON STATHAM)All hail the king of all badasses: Jason Statham! If you've been following this feature at all, this probably comes as no surprise to you. I loved Crank. It is a bold, kinetic triumph of trash and I was hooked from the opening millisecond. Congratulations, Jason Statham and Crank. You are the winner of our EPIC BADASS SMACKDOWN!!!

Agree? Disagree? Don't give a shit? Let us know @ giantpengy@yahoo.com or in the comments section of this very blog. We love mail and we love comments. And we love you (awwwww). And be on the look out for our next smackdown coming this Fall.


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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Walter Cronkite Died


So Walter Cronkite died Friday. While I'm not quite old enough to remember his newscasts and not quite politically aware enough to have more than a passing knowledge of his career, I did, along with 100,000 or so other Americans, receive a letter from him fairly recently. It was a simple letter urging us to end the pointless, destructive war on drugs.

I think a fitting tribute, and the only tribute I can personally present, to this exceptional man would be to pass on this message. So here goes:

Cronkite's letter was elegant and passionate, and over the years he's brought a lot of credibility to a movement that's often characterized as full of drugged-out hippies and losers. It was gratifying to see someone so many people of all walks of life see as a father figure talk about ending a policy that, until very recently, most Americans felt was a pretty good idea, a fact evidenced by the almost complete lack of political movement on the issue, even after, like, the coolest, hippest president EVAR is now, like, totally president and stuff.

I won't transcribe Cronkite's letter here, but I will present my own letter to America. It'll be short, inelegant and perhaps a little crass. It won't be well-researched or really even present a logical argument, but if you think about it and you're honest with yourself, I think you'll see its merit. Here goes:

Dear America,

Let's stop this stupid war on drugs. I think we all pretty much know by now that drugs can be destructive, but not nearly as destructive, discriminatory, and evil as the stupid policy that encourages our government to lie to us, shoot at us, and put us in jail for doing nothing more than putting something that can't otherwise hurt anyone into our own damn bodies. It doesn't help anyone but fear-mongering politicians (pretty much all of them) who are all, along with those of us who voted for them (guilty!), complicit in the loss of life, liberty, and happiness that this policy has caused. According to any sane person's sense of justice, anyone who supports jailing folks for making, selling, possessing, or taking a particular drug and has made, sold, possessed, or taken that drug before without being punished should be immediately placed in jail. If this policy were enacted, I'm pretty sure our last three presidents would have to spend some time in jail. Dumb, right? Let's just stop it.

Jonathan


See? Completely crass, undocumented, and poorly written. I invite you to disagree with me. I dare you to disagree with Cronkite. Read the rest of this article.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Saturday Morning News Bits: Bruno, topless coffee, hurricane control, and surprise pornography

1.) I'VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN: THE IRISH HATE SATIRE
One of my favorite weekend activities is calling up my local multiplex's movie time hotline and listening to the listless teenage girl with the thick Southern accent announce the titles, ratings, and showtimes of the current releases. She starts off so full of spunk, but degenerates into a boredom-induced comatose state that never fails to bring a smile to my face. She's only rattling off names, ratings, and start times. She isn't making any judgement calls or offering her amateur opinion on the films she's listing. "Here's the movie, here's what the MPAA has decided to rate it, here's how long it is, bada-bing, bada-boom, gift certificates are on sale at the box office." Simple.
A movie theater in Ireland, however, has added a bit of commentary to their movie hotline, in particular, this message about Sacha Baron Cohen's latest film Bruno:
"Bruno is particularly vile. It leads to a hell of a lot complaints. It will offend every prejudice in the book, believe me, so don't come on after and tell us how horrible it was."
Now that's protecting your ass.
2.) BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: AN ANSWER TO PRAYER IN VASSALBORO, MAINE
Earlier this year, GEP brought you the story of the Grandview Coffee Shop, a popular topless establishment in Maine that was tragically burned to the ground.  Just thinking of the poor citizens of Vassalboro being forced to buy their morning cup of joe from a fully dressed barista made me sick to my stomach. I often cried myself to sleep at night, pleading with God for answers. "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I wailed into the abyss, but alas, no answer came. I've been glued to the internets for weeks, waiting for a glimmer of hope. Would a Vassalboro-area Starbuck's employees suck it up and go shirtless for awhile? Where would those poor souls who only felt comfortable purchasing refreshments from topless young women go when they got a hankering for a low-fat decaf mocha or a cinnamon raisin scone?
I'm pleased to report that the national nightmare is over. Grandview Topless Coffee Shop is going to be rebuilt and this time it's going to be better than ever! The new building will be able to service up to 80 people at a time and will stay open until one o'clock in the morning! There may even be dancing at some point! Thank you, Jesus, for your many blessings. I can sleep again.
3.) BILL GATES IS YOUR GOD NOW
Microsoft's Bill Gates is throwing his hat into the weather controlling game, more specifically, hurricane weakening. Gate's idea: turn the hose on 'em. Yes, the same method human's have used for years to break up dog fights, is now being employed to stop hurricanes dead in their tracks.

"Five U.S. Patent and Trade Office patent applications, made public on July 9, propose slowing hurricanes by pumping cold, deep-ocean water in their paths from barges. If issued, the patents offer 18 years of legal rights to the idea for Gates and co-inventors, including climate scientist Ken Caldeira of the Carnegie Institution of Washington.

First requested by Gates and colleagues last year, the patents describe methods "not limited to atmospheric management, weather management, hurricane suppression, hurricane prevention, hurricane intensity modulation, hurricane deflection" to manage storms."
That's great news for people in areas prone to vicious hurricane attacks, but bad news for my nefarious plot to take over the world with my dastardly Hurricane Machine. Phooey on you, William Gates, I say, phooey!
4.) GRANNY PORN
A Borough Park grandmother discovered a pornographic film tacked onto the end of the Austin Powers VHS tape she rented from the library for her grandkids this week. Following the end credits of Mike Myers' "hilarious" spy spoof, Granny Klein was horrified to find the hardcore classic What Happens When the Wife is Away already in progress. And just what happens when the wife is away, hmmmmm?
"This was very bad stuff," Klein said
Really? That's all you can tell us? Was there any ball licking? Anilingus? Did a lady use a strap-on to penetrate a man? Were any pizzas delivered and, if so, how large was the pizza delivery boy's schlong? C'mon, Grandma, inquiring minds want to know!
This isn't the first tape borrowed from the Brooklyn Public Library to feature pornographic images--it's the 19th! I'm sorry, but this sounds like the best library in the country. Damn you, Old Lady Klein, and your porn-hatin' ways!

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Epic Badass Smack-Down: Bonus Movie!!!

Title: Undefeatable
Badass: Cynthia Rothrock

What the hell?: Streetfighting waitress Kristi Jones teams up with police detective/kung-fu master Nick DiMarco to avenge the death of her sister, Karen, at the hand's of a rape-happy, eye-plucking pyschopath with complex mommy issues named Stingray.

What's to like: ridiculous yet technically sound fight scenes; epic amounts of unintentional hilarity; a villain unlike any you've experienced before.

What's to not like: the movie taunts viewers with its cheap look, poor acting, and hackneyed plot, inviting nothing but scorn and ridicule; Cynthia Rothrock isn't given nearly enough screentime to prove her badassedness; "undefeatable" isn't a real word.

The truth: Undefeatable is a terrible movie, but a funny one too. It's the kind of film that I would recommend to lovers of fine trash cinema, but wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Check us out bright and early Monday morning for the final results. We're counting our badasses down--worst to very best--in a showdown you'll have to see to believe. Whoa, daddy, this is gonna be a hot one! BE THERE!!!

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Wednesday Morning Music - Ween - "Freedom of '76"




A very stoned Ween in '93 singing a song that features the lyrics "A ho on South Street hired for tricks/ little girls are picking up sticks" to housewives, stoned slackers, hos on South Street, Boyz 2 Men fans and other degenerates watching the Jane Pratt show on the Lifetime network. So decadent it makes me want to fart on a cake.

Jane Pratt seems to be doing a show about homemade crafts or something, using Ween's homemade music as an example, but when "Freedom of '76" finally appeared on Ween's Chocolate and Cheese in 1994, it was professionally produced in a studio and featured bottom boob on the cover.

Via Splice Today



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Monday, July 13, 2009

Hate Teenagers? Have I Got a Story for You!

Teens and texting go together like rat fleas and the Black Plague. It is not uncommon to see hordes of teenagers lounging in the food court at the local mall or clogging the front doors of your neighborhood multiplex texting like there's no tomorrow. They rarely acknowledge the people they are physically with, choosing instead to stare slack-jawed at the tiny cell phone screen in front of them as they type their "lols" and their "omgs." It's sad and pathetic and weird. And, seriously, if I have to hear one more story about my parent's friends' teenage children racking up huge phone bills through reckless texting, I'm going to puke my lungs out. I didn't have texting capabilities when I was a lad and I turned out all right.

Listen, I don't wish pain and suffering on the teenage population of America. As long as they stay quiet at the movies and generally stay out of my line of sight, we'll get along just fine. However, I do enjoy, as Tim Conway Jr. would say, a good "teenage A-hole" story, and this one has got to be the best I've heard in a long time.

Whilst text messaging/strolling down Victory Blvd. last weekend, Staten Island teen Alexa Longueira stepped into an open manhole, tumbling into the putrid sewer below. Classic! She didn't die or anything (I'm not that heartless), but the fall did scare her a little. Some Department of Environmental Protection guys, who had turned their backs for a second to grab some orange cones to place around the gaping hole, helped her out of the sewer, apologizing profusely. Regardless, the Longueira family has decided to sue (?!?), they just haven't decided who or what will face their misguided wrath.

OK, first of all, what are you doing apologizing to this chick, DEP? So you didn't have the cones right there ready to create a perimeter. Most people are gonna see a gaping hole in the street and walk around it. It's kind of something humans do: avoid holes. Most of us do not require the presence of traffic cones to keep us from falling into the sewer. Alexa was so wrapped up in her own little world, however, that she failed to notice the abyss looming ahead and fell in. It's not the DEP's fault, it's Alexa's, and she deserves every scrape she got. End of story.

Secondly, who the hell do you think you're gonna sue, Longueiras? I could see you hiring a fancy TV lawyer (you know, one of them real slick fellers what advertises during The Maury Povich Paternity Hour) and taking on the DEP, but I'm not sure you'd win anything. You could take on New York City, but again, and I'm not a lawyer, I don't think you have much of a case. Why not sue the cell phone company or the person who invented texting or God Himself for giving mankind the capacity to create things like cell phone technology, instant messaging, and sewer systems. Or better yet, why don't you take your lumps on the evening news (because no one is going to feel sympathy for your idiot daughter, OK?) and then fade into the ether like every other family that becomes famous for 15 seconds for some ridiculous reason no one can remember a month later.

Also, I was kind of awestruck by the photo accompanying this article:Wow! India is really proud of their manhole covers, aren't they? "Made in India" is in larger print than "N.Y.C. Sewer." Good for you, India. Read the rest of this article.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Nerd Cake-A-Palooza!!!

While searching for the perfect cake picture to accompany my Cake Fart post last week, I happened upon some nifty geek cakes I thought you guys might like. Enjoy.















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Saturday, July 11, 2009

Epic Badass Smack-Down: Film 8

Title: The Art of War
Badass: Wesley Snipes
What in the heck?: Neil Shaw, a super-secret agent for the United Nations, is forced to go on the run after being framed for the murder of a Chinese ambassador.  Shaw hooks up with Julia Fang, a hip Asian interpreter, to find the true assassin and bring him (or her???) to justice.  Yep. That's really pretty much it.
What's to like: a kung-fu throwdown at a Chinese New Year party in Hong Kong; a captivatingly odd performance from Maury Chaykin as an FBI agent hot on Shaw's trail; a final gunfight that is simultaneously awesome and ridiculous.
What's to not like: Do we really need an officer of the law to dramatically rip his shirt open after surviving a gunshot to the chest?  We know he's wearing a bulletproof jacket.  He's alive isn't he?  Gah!; a predictable plot twist that almost derails a surprisingly competent actioner.
The truth: I'll be honest: I expected to hate this film.  I almost turned off the television before the opening credits even ended.  There wasn't anything wrong with the opening credits, I just wasn't convinced I could sit through a movie I'd never heard of and rented on a whim.  I cursed myself for not renting something from Snipes' Blade oeuvre.  "At least that shit has vampires in it," I thought.  But I plugged along, gave The Art of War a chance, and darn it if I wasn't pleasantly surprised.  It's a pretty good little film.  Sure, its predictable, last minute twist is all kinds of super lame, but up until that point, it remains action packed and highly watchable.  Don't be surprised if this one turns out to be a major contender when we crown the winner of this badass battle royale sometime next week.
Next time: our surprise last minute addition.  Prepare to have your mind blown, America! And then...we pick our top three favorites!  But remember, there can be only one, true winner of our EPIC BADASS SMACKDOWN!  Who will reign supreme?  Who will look upon his fellow masters of badassery and claim ultimate victory?  There's only one way to find out...BE THERE...or here...yeah, be here...at this Web site.  Um.  OK.  I'm done.


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Saturday Morning News Bits: Sarah Palin, marital rape, racist swimming pools, dead animals, and gay penguins

1.) FILLING THE JON AND KATE GAP
Levi Johnston has a few things to say about Sarah Palin's resignation as the governor of Alaska. You might remember Johnston as the young man who filled Palin's oldest daughter, Bristol, with a baby last year.  Obviously his opinion on this whole matter is worth more than a thousand political experts combined, so let's see what he's yammering about:
"She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say 'forget everything else,'" he said.  He said he thinks book deals were really what appealed to Palin.  "I think the big deal was the book. That was millions of dollars..."
Levi, who is apparently working on his own book deal, went on to say that he didn't think Palin was "cut out for the job as president."  OK, maybe he's not such an idiot after all.
Palin's representatives fired back with the following statement:
"It is interesting to learn Levi is working on a piece of fiction while honing his acting skills."
Wow, these two are bickering  back and forth like a couple of secret lovers whose affair has soured.  I'm not implying anything, I'm just saying.
Also, I've said it before (ask Jonathan) and I'll say it again: if I wasn't a happily married man and she was up for it, I would so bang Sarah Palin.  Damn!
2.) MARITAL RAPE OUT; AFGHAN MEN MUST FIND NEW WAY TO KEEP WIVES IN LINE
The government of Afghanistan has finally outlawed marital rape, leaving Afghan men fewer options for disciplining their significant others.  This is a great victory for women in Afghanistan who now only have to worry about public stonings, honor killings, and heat stroke from having to be wrapped up in burkas all the damn time.  The revised law gives a woman the right to refuse sex to her husband if she feels ill or is "not in the mood," but requires her to "do certain housework."  I don't know if "certain housework" is a euphemism for "sexual intercourse" or if it just means Afghan women must now vacuum the house in the buff, but I do know Afghanistan is a super fucked up place.
3.) BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHUBBY WHITE KID ON THE FAR RIGHT?  SURELY HE CAN TAKE A DIP!
I found this story unbe-fucking-lievable.  Apparently a Philadelphia-based day care center signed an agreement with a local private swim club that would allow it's charges to use the pool a couple of times a week during the summer.  So, the kids show up, a couple of swim club members make some disgusting racist comments (One women expressed her fear that one of the visiting African-American children would "do something" to her child.  Do what?  Teach your child that racial unity is a beautiful thing?  Dispel the rumor that black people can't swim? Possibly befriend your child and...GASP...come to your house for dinner?  Lady, you suck. Someone should take your kid away from you.  For realz.)  The club's president, John Duesler, explained that there were simply too many children and that his facility didn't have enough life guards or room for them. By refusing to honor his agreement with Creative Steps Day Care, he claimed he was somehow protecting their safety.  Really, Mr. Duesler, is that why you told two local television stations that the children's presence changed the "atmosphere" and the "complexion" of your precious swim club?  Asshole!  God, people like John Duesler piss me off. It's fucking 2009, jack-ass!  Let's get off this racist kick and let some kids swim.  It's the summer time, dude. They're hot and bored.  DAMMIT!
4.) DOES ANYBODY KNOW IF JACK KEVORKIAN DOES ANIMALS?
The Franklin Park Zoo in Boston may be closing it's door in the near future.  What happens to the animals when a zoo closes down, you might ask.  Well, apparently, if no other zoo is willing to take them, they are euthanized.  Yes, that's right, unwanted animals--from warthogs to giraffes--will be put to sleep.  Fun!  I guess it makes sense--they're zoo animals after all.  They wouldn't know what to do if they suddenly found themselves released into the wilds of Africa. It wouldn't be a happy little adventure like Madagascar.  Chances are they'd be snubbed by their own kind for being too snooty to forage or hunt for their own food or be picked off pretty quickly by predators.  Still it's sad to think about the residents of the Franklin Park Zoo, an institution that's been around since 1913, being put down just because nobody wants another tapir or another flamingo.  Franklin Park estimates 20% of their animals will probably be euthanized if the zoo is forced to close it's doors.  Sigh.
(Hey, if you're interested in helping these animals out, visit the Zoo New England Web site and donate some cash.  They'd do the same for you, you know, if they had jobs.)
5.) BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE
Harry and Pepper, the San Francisco Zoo's world-famous same-sex penguin couple, have broken up.  And it's all because of a female penguin named Linda:
"Male Magellan penguins Harry and Pepper have been together since 2003. The pair nested together and even incubated an egg laid by another penguin in 2008, but their relationship hit the rocks earlier this year when a female penguin, Linda, befriended Harry after her long-time companion died.  This did not go over well with Pepper, who became violent. The three penguins were separated for some time following the fight."
Man, it's like Melrose Place over there at the San Francisco Zoo.  I feel bad for Pepper, who now spends his days watching Linda and his former lover from afar, possibly reminiscing about the years they spent together or wondering if Harry ever thinks of him fondly.  More than likely, Pepper's thinking about his next meal.  I mean, they're penguins, for God's sake.  Pepper will find another gay penguin to settle down with, I'm sure of it.  Hey, at least you're in San Francisco and not facing a death sentence like the poor bastards in Boston.  Count your lucky stars, Pepper.


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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Thursday Night Trailer: Daybreakers


This looks like it might be fun. What do you think, kids? Read the rest of this article.

A Few Words Regarding Cake Farts

Watching Cake Farts for the first time last night, I experienced a wide range of emotions, as well as, a sudden crippling fear of the direction our country is hurtling. I'm all for freedom of expression and sexual congress with baked goods (provided those baked goods have acquiesced to being violated), but Cake Farts is a horrific conundrum of epically awful proportions. Moment to moment, I was at a loss as to what to say, think, or feel. Here now, for your reading (dis)pleasure, is an approximation of the moods/emotions I experienced while viewing Cake Farts:

1.) Confusion
"You know what I like?" a scantily clad young lady asks her viewing audience. Long walks on the beach, I thought. Working out at the gym with your best gal pal? Curling up by a roaring fire with a good book and a glass of white wine?

"Cake farts," she coos.

Wait...what? Cake farts? Of all the things in the world you could tell millions of internet users that you like, you choose cake farts? What are cake farts anyway? That phrase means nothing to me. Cake farts? Doesn't make any sense.

2.) Titillation
As the young woman rounds the kitchen counter we discover that she is sans pants and underwear. I've temporarily forgotten that just seconds before she mentioned her affinity for something called "cake farts." I like where this is going.

3.) Horrified Shock
Wait. What is she doing? She's climbing up onto the kitchen counter. Oh my God...there's a perfectly innocent chocolate cake up there. She is squatting over it. Oh, God! Oh, no!

4.) Disgust
Oh! Cake farts! Now I get it. This girl likes farting on cakes. That's dumb. And gross. But...

5.) Admiration
...damn that girl can fart! I mean, these aren't little girly farts, these are full on cross-country-trucker- after-two-or-three-microwave-burrito farts. She's brought her A-game with these poots, man. Usually I'm pretty grossed out by the idea of beautiful women farting (especially farting on food--especially when that food is delicious, delicious cake), but this is impressive.

6.) Anger
What a perfectly awful waste of cake. As a cake fan, I'm offended. And what about the scores of children all over the world without cake or any food for that matter? Why don't you just make a video where you visit an African village and slap the shit out of a starving baby, Cake Fart Girl? That cake could've fed a family of four and now it's all farted up. Plus, most of the frosting is stuck to your ample buttcheeks. You food farters make me sick! Everything's about you, you, you. And food. And farting on food.

7) Acceptance
Let's face it, we live in a world gone mad. Maybe cake farts are the last frontier of sexual exploration. Maybe they are just the beginning. Either way, wherever there are large groups of diverse human beings co-existing together, there will be weird fetishes and creepy Web videos. It's better to just embrace it and move on. You'll drive yourself insane or weep yourself into a coma otherwise. Let the cake farters fart on cakes, pies, Twinkies, and whatever the hell else they think needs a healthy dose of their mighty winds. It could be a whole lot worse.

Now what's this? Meatloaf farts? What could this be?

(If you now feel the need to experience Cake Farts for yourself, just go to Google and enter the words "cake" and "farts" and click the link. It goes without saying, Cake Farts is totally NSFW. I haven't seen Meatloaf Farts, but I imagine it's quite similar. Watch at your own risk.)


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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Epic Badass Smack-Down: Film 7

Title: Conan the Barbarian
Badass: Arnold Schwarzenegger
What the heck?: Conan the Barbarian is based on the fantasy stories of pulp writer Robert E. Howard, a man so deeply disturbed that he actually believed Conan was visiting him during the night brandishing a blood-stained battle axe and standing over him poised to split him in two if he ever once quit writing. California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the titular character as a hulking, mush-mouthed meathead on a gory mission of revenge against Thulsa Doom, an otherworldly cult leader who can turn himself into a boa constrictor at will.  On his journey, Conesy hooks up with two petty thieves, one of which he makes sweaty barbarian love to on a regular basis, saves a princess, fucks a witch vampire (vampire witch?), and punches out a camel.  
What's to like: the final battle between good (Conan and his vaguely Asian buddy, Subotai) and evil (Thulsa Doom and his various henchmen); James Earl Jones delivery of the line, "Contemplate this on the Tree of Woe;" a Caligula-style orgy that turns into a bloody medieval bar brawl; Conan rips out a vulture's throat with his teeth.
What's to not like: Conan's casual cruelty to animals; Conan defeats death with some help from his plucky lady-friend and some well tied knots.
The truth: It ain't The Lord of the Rings, but it wasn't that bad.  I'd give it a solid "eh" with a few extra points for all the boobies.
Next time...Wesley Snipes.  And then...a last minute contender!  Oh, snap!!!


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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Our Last Michael Jackson Post...Prolly...

Today, America celebrates the life and music of iconic weirdo Michael Jackson.  As I write this, pallbearers are escorting Jackson's coffin out of the Staples Center to thunderous applause.  It is a fitting tribute to the colossal talent/tortured manchild.  He meant a lot things to a lot of people.  I remembered the man in my own way last week, breaking out my Season 8 South Park DVDs and re-watching "The Jeffersons" episodes.  While that might seem callous to the scores of Michael fanatics (who I'd venture to guess hadn't willingly listened to a Michael Jackson song in ages before his death last month), to me it was a special time of laughter and remembrance.  I also purchased the song "Who Is It" from iTunes and I've been enjoying it immensely.  Thanks for asking.

We all pay tribute to our fallen heroes in our own way and I'd like to wrap up GEP's look back at Jackson's life and career by highlighting some of the more unique tributes that have surfaced in the weeks following the King of Pop's untimely demise.
1.) The Eternal Moonwalk: I can't vouch for the validity of the Web site's claim, but the whole thing starting to feel endless for me around minute three.  That of course doesn't take away from the "neat" factor.  It becomes mighty clear mighty fast that no one (NO ONE...not even you, Justin Timberlake!) can do the moonwalk like Jackson could.  Whenever I watch the old clip of Jackson moonwalking across the stage on some award show, I still can't believe what I'm seeing.  "What manner of devilry be this?" I often wonder, twisting the tips of my mustache betwixt thumb and forefinger.  It's so fluid, so alien, so unbelievably satanic.  The plebeians strutting their vastly inferior stuff across the screen at Eternal Moonwalk will never achieve a moonwalk that reaches the heights of Michael's, but their tribute is heartfelt nonetheless.  And most of them are better than these Frenchies.  

2. Dancing Inmates: Michael Jackson was beloved by children, chimpanzees, and Europeans all over the globe, but what you might not know is how much he meant to Filipino prison inmates. Enjoy this video of serial killers, unrepentant child rapists, and bloodthirsty drug dealers, as they present an all singing, all dancing tribute to the King of Pop.

Thriller indeed!
3.) Michael Jackson lives on...in butter!: Iowans will come face to face with a Michael Jackson sculpture made of butter at this year's Iowa State Fair.  He'll be standing tall and proud next to the traditional butter sculpture of a cow.  The sculpture should totally creep everybody out.

4.) Thriller for Toddlers: Hands down the cutest tribute to Michael Jackson to surface thus far.
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Auto Tune the News


Courtesy of my brother-in-law. Read the rest of this article.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

It's the fourth day of July...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!
LET'S BLOW SOME SHIT UP!

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