Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
-Cassidy23991 I just took "Justin Bieber is day dreaming in class and he sits behind u..." and got: He is day breaming of u!!
-@bieberjackson15: RT if before you sleep you kissed Justin Bieber poster
-ffonna Justin Bieber Justin Biber Justin Bieber Justin Bieber
-@JBFeverPandemic: "Give Up Justin Bieber For Lent" *Oh, Did you want me to commit suicide first?*
-@BiebsBestChicks: Justin Bieber makes anything look HOT...hotter than the sun
-_kaitlynnx I didn't get to give Allison her pep talk before she meets Justin Bieber. Damnit. If you're reading this by some slim chance illlyy kiddo.
-@JBSupporterss: RT if Justin Bieber is Happy Then U are Happy To :)
-@BieberDweebs: Dear Justin Bieber why do you have to be so damn sexy?? Hahahhaha
-@bieberiloveyou: I was talking to my Aunt on the phone earlier. Aunt: What do you want me to send you, you want Justin Bieber? Me: YES, PLEASE!!!!!
-krishiiee016 Dear Justin Bieber , when will you get online?? i miss you.. haha! i know, everyone does.. =)
-@justinbieber i just watched the new justin bieber music video for baby about 30 times. brb, im gonna go watch it another 100 times (:
-lovinladygaga I just took "Justin Bieber is day dreaming in class and he sits be..." and got: He isn't day dreaming about u?!
-TeamJBandJV Can't wait till my I heart Justin Bieber jumper comes :D
-shellym1202 Justin Bieber = Cooler than ice. Hotter than the sun. End of story
Saturday, February 20, 2010
2. Blaster Master: We haven't had a really good "boy drives a futuristic tank through a creepy underground world on a mission to save his runaway mutant pet frog" in so long it makes me physically sick. This was a standard issue storyline in the Golden Age of Hollywood, practically its own genre (Wikipedia it!). Blaster Master has everything that makes movies great: tank-driving children, underground peril, and enough killer mutant animals to choke a goat. Hell, a whole herd of goats!
3. Dig Dug: Wouldn't it neat if someone could take the most rudimentary of classic video game concepts (dig tunnels; pump baddies full of air until they literally burst) and turn it into a real thought-provoking piece of cinema art? I doubt one could do much with, say, Pac-Man, but I have no doubt that someone out there (Takashi Miike, maybe, or that guy who made The Host) could do something both challenging and grotesque with this source material. Maybe Taizo Hori, the little dude doing the pumping in Dig Dug, is hired to dispose of some creepy crawlies who are freed after a drilling company upsets their ecosystem and the movie is about how he kills some of them, but than discovers they're not so bad or maybe the drilling company is all corrupt or something. I don't know.
4. The Legend of Zelda: Legend of Zelda was probably the one game I played just as much as Super Mario Brothers growing up (that is, until SMB 3 debuted, than I was all about some Raccoon Mario). It is criminal--CRIMINAL, I say--that Zelda has not yet been turned into a feature film franchise. All the elements are there for an epic, Lord of the Rings-style success. I mean, c'mon, it's been a horrible cartoon ("Well, excuuuuuuuuu-se me, Princess!") and a sugary breakfast cereal, but it can't get the Peter Jackson treatment? For shame!
5. BurgerTime: I want a There Will Be Blood-style adaptation of BurgerTime directed by PT Anderson and starring Daniel Day-Lewis as Peter Pepper. The only scenes resembling actual BurgerTime gameplay will occur during a PCP-fueled hallucination.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Other MVILF*: "Dirrty" (Christina Aguilera); "Criminal" (Fiona Apple) "I'm A Slave 4 U" (Britney Spears); "When I Hated Him (Don't Tell Me)" (Bijou Phillips)
An adorable animated interpretation can be viewed right here.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Dear Love Gerontologist,
I know you probably get this question a lot: my girlfriend and I have been together a long time, and I'm starting to get hints that she wants to take the next step and get married. Now, I have nothing against marriage, but I like things the way they are. I see no reason to change anything. Should I pop the question? Should I wait for her to bring it up? Am I being a jerk by even asking this?
-Just Asking in Kalamazoo
You're right, JAK. I get this a lot. I find that a lot of female senior citizens are more reluctant to dispense with traditional values than men are, so she may very well be in the “marrying mood,” as I've labeled this curious disorder in my most recent paper, “Lovemaking Mores in Female Humans Aged 70-90 in Austin, Texas.” What should you do? Find a physician who specializes in this disorder right away. There's medication available that helps control the symptoms, but only if you catch the disorder in the beginning stages. Best of luck to you.
My partner and I consider ourselves to be very conscientious individuals. We try to do little things to save the planet from trash, greed, corruption, and bad taste. The problem is, I've only been in this relationship for about 3 months, and we've never once talked about our Valentines Day expectations! I mean, it's a holiday created by greeting card companies, so I assume my partner will want to ignore the holiday as much as I do, but I can't help but worry that I'm playing with fire. I'd ask her what she thinks, but I don't want to seem shallow. What should I do?
-Hydroponic in Chicago
Well, HIC, you've an interesting conundrum. You're right that Valentines Day was created by an evil cabal of greeting card companies, hack poets, and unemployed cherubim, but you ignore it at your own peril. Solution: why not forgo the greeting cards and chocolates, but still celebrate the occasion with a spirited lovemaking session. Just be sure to check with your doctor first to make sure you're healthy enough for sex. Of course, sometimes women do like tangible presents, so might I suggest purchasing my latest book, 17 (More!) Places to Insert Your Penis: More Reminders for the Elderly? It's up to 1,567 on Amazon's Love/Sex/Gerontology/Self-Published bestseller charts. Seven people can't be wrong.
Dear Love Gerontologist,
Whut iz Vagina 4? Can maek baaby with pp? How this wrok?
Well, Anonymous, for the elderly, the vagina can be a mysterious object indeed. I suggest asking an adult child or retirement home employee to have “the talk” with you. They'll know what that means, and they'll remind you of all the things you used to do.
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Tuesday, February 9, 2010
These four misshapen lumps of fail represent the four major islands of Japan. Though I conducted several lengthy searches of the internet, I was unable to find the person (or persons) responsible for the monstrosities displayed before you, so I will go with my original assumption that they were created by an armless Japanese orphan raised in a dimly lit basement forced at gunpoint to draw four owls, an animal he had absolutely no knowledge of as he had never once been allowed to leave his basement prison, nor been given access to either books or a television on which to view nature documentaries.
Look, it's not that I don't like the idea of a raccoon in ice skates, I do. It's just...well...Roni looks kinda like a pussy. That's all.
Believe it or not, Hidy and Howdy are NOT a product of Texas. I was as surprised as you are. Let's forget the fact that holding the Winter Olympics in Texas is probably impossible. Don't you just get a whole "Texas vibe" off these two? I do.
Here they are--the worst Winter Olympics' mascots of all time, Hakon and Kristin.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Third Eye Blind is agruably one of the most forgettable bands of the late-90s, however, I will never be able to utter the phrase, "I despise everything Third Eye Blind has ever recorded." To say this would be hypocritical since 1997's "How's It Going to Be" is one of the greatest songs ever written EVER. What can I say, man. It got me through some rough shit, i.e. one of the many, many break-ups I experienced with my high school girlfriend the summer before our college experiences. I distinctly remember listening to "How's It Going to Be" on repeat, singing along with Stephan Jenkins--the only person who understood my pain--and weeping. OK, maybe I wasn't weeping, but I was misty-eyed.
"How's It Going to Be" is a song I wish I wrote because, quite frankly, for years I've wanted nothing more than to show up at some coffee shop on Open Mic night and perform it in front of a sparse crowd of slightly-annoyed college students trying to study for an exam. Alas, this will never be, because Third Eye Blind is lame. I live too far away from any hip coffee shops anyway.
"How's It Going to Be" Fun Fact: In May of last year, I performed Third Eye Blind's "How's It Going to Be" at the Karaoke All-Stars show on a cruise ship that shall remain nameless. My father said it was "one of the best three performances of the night."
18. "Nothing Better" (The Postal Service)
We all know that High School Matt dealt with heartbreak by shouting along with Stephan Jenkins in his bedroom when his family was out, but how did Post-College Under-Employed Matt deal with the end of a relationship? If you guess "cried like a toddler" you're only half right. He (or I) turned once again to Sweet Lady Music for comfort. I used to lay on the moldy old mattress in the spare room and listen to Morrissey albums for hours on end. Surprisingly, this made it possible for me to leave my house and interact with human beings on a semi-daily basis. At least there was one person on this planet more miserable than me.
Sometimes though I wanted nothing more than to wallow in my sadness and cry myself stupid. For that I simply fired up Give Up and flipped to track #4, "Nothing Better." The first time this happened it was an accident. I didn't know what was happening. I was listening to Ben Gibbard beg his girlfriend not to leave, going as far as blocking the exits ("I will block the door like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a time game rivalary") and promising to make the appropriate changes to his personality ("I swear I'll do my best to comply"). Somewhere around the middle of the song, I realized I was crying. But not just crying. Sobbing. It was disconcerting, but cathartic as hell.
Today I can listen to "Nothing Better," my favorite on an album filled with favorites, and keep my composure. In fact, when listened to out of the context of a faulty relationship on it's last legs, "Nothing Better" is kind of sappy and overly emotional, but I still total buy it.
My favorite lyrics (Boy): "Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart that you're deserting for better company"
My favorite lyrics (Girl): "Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future. Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures."
19. "Meantime" (The Futureheads)
Let's keep this bitter train rolling, shall we? Somewhere between getting dumped before a Pixies concert and meeting my wife in person for the first time, I proclaimed this anti-social anthem my personal mission statement. "Why do we say hello?" I asked myself. "It truly is a fashion that we follow that we should be forgetting, but here I am doing it again." "Meantime" is three minutes of sneering, foot-stomping snark. Plus, it's got a beat you can dance to (i.e. insanely thrash about to in the confines of your cramped, musty bedroom when you're feeling particularly low).
Favorite lyrics #1: "It's not interesting to have false conversations. You've stolen all your stories, and I don't have the patience."
Futureheads Fun Fact: GEP's own Jonathan and I celebrated our first night in our new apartment by taking in a Futurehead's show at the Lincoln Theater. It was pretty great from what I remember.
Favorite lyrics #2: "It's easy...to try...it's easy...anytime...we can talk...if you like..but let's forget it for the meantime."
20. "This Friendly World" (Andy Kaufman)
I'm sick of moping. Let's brighten things up a bit.
I am obsessed with Andy Kaufman. I have read and re-read Lost in the Funhouse: The Life and Mind of Andy Kaufman by Bill Zehme and Andy Kaufman Revealed! by Bob Zmuda several times; I own a supremely shitty VHS copy of Kaufman's '77 television special for ABC which I have viewed into deeper shittiness; and I even enjoyed the ho-hum biopic based on a version of his life starring Jim Carrey. Kaufman was a true genius and he remains one of my personal heroes.
I love this song! It just makes me smile.
"This Friendly World" Fun Fact: At their first, and only, New Year's Eve show, Charlotte's own Moe Need's Glasses performed "This Friendly World" for a gym full of disinterested teenagers. They also performed a Kaufman-inspired song entitled "No Kittens Were Hurt in the Civl War" written by singer/rhythm guitarist Matthew Lawson.
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Sunday, February 7, 2010
Powder was just one member of an Olympic power trio which also featured Copper, a coyote who apparently represented the concept "higher," and Coal, a bear representing "stronger." Powder, as you may have already guessed, represented "faster." Put them together and you get higher, faster, and stronger or how one feels when he or she is baptized into the Mormon church.
You know why I love Neve and Gliz so much? Because they are walking nightmares. Imagine being a child in Turin in 2006. You're in the Olympic Village with your parents shopping for commemorative pins or something, and suddenly Neve and Gliz come bursting out of nowhere, eerie grins plastered across their blank white faces, cavorting and waving. You'd freak the hell out! "Mommy, what are they?" you might cry into your mother's perfumed bosom. "What do they want?" It's a safe bet your mother, nor your father, nor anyone else in the immediate vicinity could accurately describe to you what exactly Neve and Gliz are and realizing this, well, I wouldn't be surprised if an all out riot of sheer blind panic broke out in the streets of Turin.
I like Schuss for the same reason I like Neve and Gliz: he defies all explanation. The very existence of Schuss makes the idea of humanoid ice cubes okay somehow. Schuss is obviously a skier of some kind. He's wearing skis presumably, plus his name is a skiing term, so, you know, duh.
It took me a while, but I eventually figured out why Vucko here appeals to me so much. See, he kind of resembles one Mr. Chester Cheetah, which triggered the pleasure centers in my brain because I am a diehard fan of every Cheetos variation currently available to the public. Also, his muzzle sport of looks like a dick and balls, and as a man with both of these appendages in my boxer briefs, this appeals to the manly stud who resides inside of me, makes a rare appearance every Sunday during football season, and magically disappears once again.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Question: Who can take a gritty, yearning rock song about the loss of innocence from the Killers' "Springsteen" phase and turn it into a fey inspirational ditty for Christian teens, improving the tune in the process?
Answer: Twee for Christ electronic music pioneers Joy Electric.
For argument's sake, the original:
Which is better?
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