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Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sunday Morning News Bits: chickens, 50 Cent, Venus, gay camping, strippers

We here at GEP want everyone to know that our thoughts and prayers are with the families and fans of both Dennis Hopper and Gary Coleman. Do something to celebrate the accomplishments of these guys this Memorial Day weekend: have a Diff'rent Strokes marathon; watch Blue Velvet or Apocalypse Now or True Romance or Land of the Dead or whatever Dennis Hopper movie you love the most; listen to your Avenue Q soundtrack.

All right...let's get to the stupid.
1. CHICKENS: THEY'RE NOT JUST FOR FRYIN' ANYMORE

I think I've been to Missouri. I was very young and I don't remember a thing about the trip, but there is photographic evidence that I caught a decent-sized fish while visiting some family friends. I haven't heard much about Missouri or her citizens in however many years followed this successful fishing expedition, but I had no idea things had gotten this depressing. Apparently, life in Missouri is so empty and unappealing, that some members of the populace have resorted to raising "beauty chickens" to compete in "chicken beauty pageants" to pass the time until Death's sweet embrace. Could it get any sadder? I submit that it cannot.
Meet Annamay Carlson! She was just looking for some "living lawn ornaments" to jazz up her flower garden. Now she plays host to over 90 chickens, and Carlson knows what it takes to breed pageant winners:
"It's that big, full tail. It's supposed to be shaped like a basketball," Carlson said.

That's a sign of beauty for this breed called Cochin, originally raised as palace pets in China.

"They're so lovely to handle. Any other breed is not lap cats like Cochins are," Carlson said.

Lap chickens, huh? Imagine you've prepared a bag of Pop Secret Reduced Fat microwave popcorn for yourself, cracked open a Diet Pepsi, and spread out on the couch for a Say Yes to the Dress marathon, and instead of a your trusty dog or cat hopping up into your lap for what you might call a "snuggle-fest," a chicken hunkers down on your crotch? Maybe it's just me, but that would be horrifying. Cats and dogs have a certain soulfulness behind their eyes. Chickens kind of look like miniature, feather-covered velociraptors from the pits of Hell. Which makes the concept of a chicken beauty pageant even more perplexing. I mean, what kind of mental disease do you have to have to agree to be a judge at one of these things?

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2. GUESS WHO?

I'll give you three choices:
A. The new face of Mr. Clean (This Mr. Clean has seen some shit, man!)
B. My Sally Struther's ChildFund International kid all growns up
C. Popular rap artiste, 50 Cent
If you guessed "C," you're correct! If you didn't--what's wrong with you? There's a Web address below the picture reading "www.THISIS50.com. What are you, a moron?!
Yes, rapper/Vitamin Water enthusiast, Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, recently dropped 50-pounds for a role in a movie you will likely never see, unless you're cruising the Wal-Mart dollar bin one fateful evening and discover it underneath a stack of unsold Jury Duty discs, and you decide that it would behoove you to make an ironic purchase (You're drunk in this scenario, by the way).
The movie, which is titled Things Fall Apart but is not at all based on the well- known novel by Nigerian author Chinua Achebe, tells the story of a college athlete who gets cancer. Sounds like a rocking good time for 50 Cent fans, doesn't it?

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3. TENNIS JUST GOT SLIGHTLY SEXIER THAN IT ALREADY WAS BEFORE

While were on the subject of celebrities sporting new looks, did you get a look at Venus Williams' outfit from the French Open? Call me a pervert (you wouldn't be the first), but I think I just got interested in tennis again, which, I guess, suggests that I was interested in tennis some time in the past, which actually isn't true, so, yeah.
Anyone who saunters out to the tennis court wearing lingerie and flesh-colored shorts shrink-wrapped to her ample posterior is already a winner in my book. Some stuffed shirts didn't quite see it that way:
A New York Daily News writer wrote that Williams showed a "blatant disregard for traditional tennis attire." A blogger said she looked like she was "dressed for some late night party." An overseas publication referred to Williams' clothing as a "negligee."
Oh, brother! Get over it! For a fleeting moment people gave half a shit about tennis. Isn't that what matters ultimately? I don't know if it is. Whatever. Moving on...

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4. LIST OF THINGS GAYS AREN'T ALLOWED TO DO GROWS

They can't get married, they can't serve in the military unless they keep it to themselves, they can't rent a car until age 25...the list of things American homosexuals are not allowed to do is both staggering and offensive. The citizens of Martinsville, IN added another entry to the no-no column this week when they shot down plans for an alternative lifestyle campground in their area. Gays can't even camp now! WTF, Martinsville:
A proposed clothing optional campground in Morgan County was denied zoning approval Monday night to begin operation.

After the owners said they planned to cater to the gay community, opposition grew.

The Board of Zoning Appeals unanimously denied the request, citing traffic concerns, road problems and a perceived adverse effect on property values, drawing a standing ovation from about 100 residents at the meeting.

"I don't know if what I'm hearing is hearsay. I just hope it is," resident Kim Walls said during the meeting. "I'm scared to death."

Scared to death, Ms. Walls? Really? To death? One of my many, many pet peeves is when people use extreme phrases, such as "scared to death" or "I'm starving." You're not starving! Go make a sandwich!
You know, I get not wanting to see a bunch of naked people milling around the city limits. I don't want to walk out my front door and find an droopy, hirsute, nude elderly couple taking an afternoon stroll through the neighborhood. The owners of the land this all-nude gay Shangri La is to be built on have proposed building an 8-foot privacy fence to protect children and those with heart conditions from being exposed to naked alternative lifestyles. This idea doesn't please everybody however:
"People walk with their families. Children ride their bikes. People ride their horses along these roads," said resident Daniel Elliot. "You combine that with people who are drinking alcohol, and all the sudden we have a disaster in the making."

Other residents worried that the peace and quiet they enjoy would be destroyed.

"I don't want to be able to smell my neighbor. I don't want to hear them for an extended period of time, and I don't want to see them, unless they're dressed for public," said Darrell Dill, Green Township trustee.

Wait. Are there people who want to smell their neighbors?

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5. MORE SEXY NEWS!

Hey, graduating class of 2010, I know the job market looks grim during these troubling economic times, but all is not lost. If you you are a female, have most of your teeth, and enjoy dry humping strangers, you could have a bright future at Jacksonville, Florida's premiere bikini bar, Centerfold Lounge. The club put the call out for dancers last week and local reaction has been mixed, and by "mixed" I mean "entirely negative:"
"I think it's terrible. I mean really, young people could do a lot better than that," one local said.

"It's a bit of shock and awe," another local resident added. "It's like, 'Wow, that's what our graduates have to look forward to? Go-go dancing and stripping?'"

"I just think it's pretty disgusting you know, because I am an 18-year-old," another local said.
Prude!
The club owner says that the message on the sign is meant to be humorous, but if it helps him acquire some new staff members, all the better:
"I mean, look at the economy. We have nothing to offer these grads," said [William] Warner, the lounge's manager. "I do. I have what they can make money. Yes, we're looked at as scum of the Earth, but it's a paycheck -- money that will put food in their stomach and keep a roof over their head."
See, he's just a sweet guy trying to help the youth of today become the leaders of tomorrow, or rather, the drugged-up strippers who will grind on the crotches of the those leaders. God bless America!


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Thursday, May 27, 2010

Mind the Gap: A London Travelogue (Part 2)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

-After 10 1/2 hours of sleep, I wake up Wednesday morning feeling semi-refreshed.
-I spend the bulk of the morning hungry on a tour bus. Apparently our hotel meal plan affords us the "continental breakfast." I learn this the hard way when a breakfast buffet attendant stops me from getting scrambled eggs. "Do you have your breakfast voucher, sir?" she asks. "Um, sure?" I answer, a spoonful of fluffy yellow scrambled eggs hovering above my plate. "Oh, good. May I have it please?" "Have it?" "Sir, I'm afraid you are only authorized to partake of items from our continental breakfast section, which is a bunch of boring garbage that, from the forlorn look on your face, is exactly what you don't want." In rebellion, I eat only a banana, a croissant, and scoop of madarin orange slices. Jen eats like a normal person and laughs at my brattiness.
-Things British people like: smoking, midday runs with a mate, tights/leggings/extremely tight pants (ladies only), low rent submarine sandwiches (Seriously, there is a Subway restaurant on every block here.), smoking, apologizing, super strong coffee (Jen says this is because they are used to making tea, therefore they are not as adept at brewing a decent cup of coffee. I'm inclined to agree.), serving expensive bottled water to clueless Americas (If you want a glass of water in a London restaurant, you have to ask for "tap water." They're going to try to sell you something called "still water," but that's just overpriced bottle water. We learned this eventually. I think we overheard somebody do it.), and smoking.
-"For one hour we were a feudal society again." -tour guide explaining the Prime Minister situation to a walking tour made up of people who probably didn't even speak English.
-Sites seen on and off the double-decker bus tour: Buckingham Palace (effing huge!); Tower of London (meh); Westminster Abbey (beautiful, but costs 15 pounds to get in...WTF?); Parliament buildings and Big Ben (so effing huge!); St. Thomas Cathedral (at least I think that's what the automated tour guide said...whatever it's called, it's one big Catholic church); The London Eye; Tower Bridge; The Texas Embassy (not an embassy, but a restaurant, though the automated tour guide does say that there was a Texas embassy in London at some point); Westminster Subway ($5 footlongs); multiple Underground stations.
-I had the following encounter with a crazy European lady at the Goodge Street subway station. Enjoy. I didn't.
Lady: How you get outside?
(a nearby, petrified Londoner looks at Jen, then me, then the lady, then proceeds to point upward and shrug)
Lady: Outside!
Me: (pointing to a sign that clearly reads "WAY OUT") Just go that way. You're going to have to take an elevator to the street. (The Goodge Street station is irritating with those elevators...oh, I'm sorry, lifts!)
Lady: (pauses) That makes no sense! How you get outside?! Outside?!
Me: I'm not from around here. Sorry.
Lady: (reaching a fever pitch) OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE!
Lucky for us, the train arrived at this point and we were free of this nutty baglady's weirdness. If she had taken the time to read some of the signs posted in several Underground stations, she would have seen that transportation authorities have no tolerance for "anti-social behavior" in the tube stations. They also don't like busking, though I saw some of the most elaborate, and frankly, kinda great busking of all time all over the place. One dude was rocking out with a drum machine and an electric didgeridoo!
-Jen and I enjoy a late lunch at Jamie Oliver's Fifteen, the restaurant staffed by juvenile delinquents. The food was awesome and lunch cost roughly $96.00. That's a fancy-ass lunch! How much was your lunch? Probably not 96 bucks! You wish, right? It makes me feel good about myself to think that you're totally jealous of my 96 dollar lunch.
-Speaking of restaurants, the McDonalds in London have a special "Tastes of America" menu. It's just a slew of oversized burgers dripping with the kinds of toppings Americans enjoy, I guess. And while the Double-Down Chicken Monstrosity has yet to make it across the pond, KFCs in London offer a weird fried-chicken mexi-wrap and the most horrifying breakfast sandwich of all time. That's right: KFC serves breakfast here. In fact, the KFC Breakfast Sandwich looks a lot like a Double Down surrounded by a biscuit. Ugh.
-It is announced that the Picadilly Line will be running fewer trains and making fewer stops. Why? Well, someone has apparently fallen under a train. We will hear more of these announcements over the duration of our trip. British people just can't keep themselves from falling under trains.
-We take the train up to London's theatre district to see Chicago. We get a seat upgrade, which is nice. I don't know if you've ever seen this show on stage--this was my first time--but it's basically live soft-core pornography. "Oh, I like this," I whisper to Jen 30 seconds in. All of the actors do pretty decent American accents, with the exception of the guy playing Amos, Roxie Hart's husband. He kinda sound like Mark Addy when he attempted an American accent on Still Standing. Still Standing? Anybody? Just me? Moving on...
-I'm starving after the show and I need a late night snack. What better than Burger King? Turns out, cold fries taste the same here as they do in the US. In London, however, asking to have your meal "King Sized" is simply a ploy to get an extra 50 pence out of fat American tourists. Don't ask me how I know.

TO BE CONTINUED...


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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Talkin' Lost: Part 2

Previously on Talkin' Lost...we talked about Lost. Here is the second part of that conversation.

Jordan: I really liked when Sun and Jin were enlightened and started speaking English... cause English rules!! But also I enjoyed to see how happy they were in that moment.

Matt: Yeah, I was all like, "Finally, I don't gotta read them little words on the screen no more."

Jordan: Early on in the show when Locke, Jack and Desmond went down into the light, I had this suspicion that when Desmond entered the light, he would go straight into the Sideways World and that would be his moment from "Happily Ever After" and as he went about waking up the others, their island counterparts would fade away and join the Sideways World, and the end would be the Man in Black all alone and still stuck on the island.

Another idea I had was after Jack became the new Jacob, he would stop and kill MIB, but Desmond would enter the light and be transformed into the new corrupted influence (Desmond being super resistant to the energy just as MIB's mother made him special so Jacob couldn't use it kill him). So now Desmond's the one desperate to get off the island to find Penny and Jack is now the one to keep him imprisoned or else corruption would spread. And the more things change the more they stay the same.

What do you think of the fact that the island had a recurring theme of crazy mothers and so many characters had father issues back home? (Ben Hurley Jack Sawyer Sun Penny Claire Aaron Kate)

Matt: I think that was a direct result of Jacob dictating the island’s rules. I mean, he had a crazy mom who lied and schemed to keep him unaware of a world outside of the island. Plus, Jacob and MIB never knew their father and you know how that can screw up a kid. I mean, not you personally. I’m sure your home life was endlessly pleasant.

Jordan: I have to say I missed part of what Christian said to Jack in the church. I was watching it at my parents' house and naturally that's when they both came in and started talking over the TV. If only I had bound and gagged them beforehand.
Jordan: Do you think that when the MIB got the light turned off and he became mortal again, that was the moment when he was now free to leave the island?

Matt: Absolutely. MIB always knew that he would have to destroy the island to free himself. He never gave a crap about the island anyway. It was all about getting to that mysterious world across the sea, which, ironically, was filled with people which, in both human and smoke form, he seemed to hate. Actually, I’m not sure why he was so bent on getting off the island. Probably just the principle of the thing.

Jordan: If he left the island as a mortal man, how would that affect the rest of the world? Jacob implied MIB had to stay on the island. His mother did too, but her reasons were that she was 1) crazy 2) just didn't like the outside world and wanted the island and everything on it to be in a cocoon. Maybe MIB was right when he told Sawyer there was nothing to protect it from, although it's more than just a mere island.

Matt: The island is definitely special, I mean, it fixed Locke's spine and eradicated Rose’s cancer. So, yeah, the island is an amazing place. That’s why the DHARMA Initiative was there studying and exploring. But do I think the world was in danger if MIB turned human and sailed away? No. I mean, what’s he going to do when he reenters civilization? He can’t turn into a pissed off pillar of smoke anymore. He’d brood, be bald, and die someday. I don’t know if the island needed to be protected from anyone but people like Widmore, who, if we are to believe Ben, wanted to exploit it in some way. I’m not sure how exploiting the island would be all that bad though. Like I said, it heals people.
Jordan: I will say that I was disappointed in how they used Charles Widmore and Eloise Hawking in the final season. I thought Charles and Eloise would come together on the island and provide more insight into the island mysteries, since both characters seemed to know so much about it.
Matt: Yeah, some side characters got shortchanged. But on a positive note, Eloise got to spend more time with her son in the Sideways World. I thought it was touching when she asked Desmond if he was going to take Daniel with him.

Jordan: Why the hell would Daniel Faraday want to play with DriveShaft???

Matt: Good question. I thought for sure we’d get a stripped down piano rendition of "You All Everybody."

Jordan: Do you think Island Kate and Sawyer hooked up in their new post-island lives?

Matt: I think they hooked up on the plane! I don’t know. I hope Sawyer found his daughter and had some kind of relationship with her.

Jordan: What do you think: Claire rejoins Aaron, Miles sells the diamonds and Richard grows old and dies?

Matt: Absolutely. And Hurley and Ben run around the island like a couple of gods!

So, how does the LOST finale rank among other TV finales?

Jordan: I think the LOST finale will rank among the top finales.

Matt: Agreed. The more I think about it, the more beautiful and profound it becomes. It was a great ride. OK. I’m going to bed.

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Monday, May 24, 2010

Talkin' Lost: Part 1

When Jordan Beall and I aren't Talkin' Politics, we're usually talking about other things, most of them highly inappropriate and not suitable for the pages of GEP, which I've tried to maintain as the premiere destination for families interested in pop culture tomfoolery. Today, however, Jordan and I have left politics by the wayside to discuss the series finale of my favorite television program of all time: Lost. The following is Part One of our online discussion which immediately followed the show's final 2 1/2 hours. This conversation contains spoilers aplenty, so proceed with caution if you haven't yet watched the series. And if you don't watch Lost, what the hell is wrong with you?

Matt: So, what did you think?

Jordan: I found the sideways story to be the more interesting, at least for the last hour of the finale.

Matt: We talked earlier in the day about some last minute predictions we had…

Jordan: Mine were:
- Big Smoke will be destroyed by one of the characters in an act of self-sacrifice.
- Ben isn't really on Smokey's side and will double cross him.
- Richard isn't dead.
- Juliet and Sawyer go out for coffee in Sideways world.
- Jack will not end the show as the new Jacob.
- Sideways Kate will dance naked at David's piano recital... oh wait, that was some fan fiction I read online.

Matt: I was never someone who formulated theories or got obsessed with unanswered questions. I was always more interested in the characters. That’s how I am with any story really, be it a book or a movie or a television show. Plot is secondary to me. Give me an group of interesting characters and I’m satisfied. However, I did break my rule and predict a few things about the Lost finale. I thought:
-Ben will ultimately kill Not Locke and it will cost him his life.
-Desmond is totally going to hop into the old Cave o' Magical Light and that will accomplish something...
-None of our four remaining original Losties (Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley) will die.
I got a few ones right. Desmond certainly accomplished, um, something. And Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley made it to the end.

Jordan: On Twitter, people keep saying Jake died at the end - uh, his name was Jack [dumbshit]! Ignore that last message, I was just venting.

Matt: Let’s talk about the very end. I thought it was beautiful, but there are going to be some people—and I’ve already seen evidence of this online—that just didn’t get it. One genius over at Lost’s Facebook page wrote, in essence, “They were dead the whole time? Why did they have to go through all that island stuff?” Are people really that stupid? What, did you watch it with the volume turned down? DAMMIT! Sorry, I’m venting now.

Jordan: There may be some angry fans, we'll find out tomorrow.

Matt: Fair weather fans, if you ask me. About the end though: the survivors created a Sideways Universe to meet up in after they all died, but why were some people left out? Why no Michael or Walt? Why no Mr. Ecko?

Jordan: I know why we didn't see Michael at the church. He was one of the spirits stuck on the island, as he appeared to Hurley during the “Everybody Loves Hugo” episode. Hurley asked him if the whispers were the spirits stuck on the island and Michael says that they are the ones who can't move on, and reveals that they are the source of the whispers.

Matt: True, but I figured once Hurley became master of the island, he would let all those restless spirits move on. And while I’m on the subject of Hurley, wouldn't a Lost spin-off, The Adventures of Hurley and Ben, be pretty sweet? Hugo and his second-in-command trading quips, righting wrongs, and getting into all sorts of hijinks? It’s a work in progress.

Matt: So what were your favorite parts of the finale?

Jordan: I liked the moment when Sayid and Shannon meet again. I also liked the moment when Hurley asked Ben to be his #2. I was, however, perplexed by why they bothered to make Juliet Jack's wife in the sideways world? Also, what was the point of that tree falling on Ben? That used up a whole 30 sec of air time for nothing.

Matt: Yeah, Juliet being Jack's ex-wife seemed to be another "Look at us be clever" moment. Not necessary. But how about that scene where she and Sawyer "wake up?" Dude, I was sobbing. Not crying demurely. Straight up sobbing. I lost it every time people woke up. And, I guess Ben getting trapped under the tree—which I agree was a wasted moment—was there to explain why Hurley would ask Ben to essentially be his Richard.

OH, best moment of the night though: Jack and Not Locke's knock-down, drag-out fight on the cliffs. Awesome! And we got to say good-bye to Rose and Bernard!

Jordan: Yeah, I was happy to see Rose and Bernard. They were always nice to visit.

Next time...Jordan poses some tough questions and I answer the crap out of them!
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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Saturday Morning News Bits: new logo, bok choy, Olympic mascots, a nude dude, and goofy DMV antics

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1. IT'S OFFICIAL: PEOPLE ARE STUPID

Seattle's Best Coffee unveiled their new logo this week and the people are less than impressed:
The simplified design seems rather generic, say some of the kinder observers. Other pundits are calling it a bowl of cereal filled with tears. But the harshest critics say the new look seems more appropriate for a blood donation center.
Let's state the obvious first: the new logo looks like a bowl filled with tears, or rather, one giant tear suspended between the top and bottom of a bowl. I don't see any flakes or pellets of puffed rice indicating that it is a bowl full of breakfast cereal. Secondly, SB's new logo totally looks like a sign one would see outside of a blood donation center...if human blood was white! Obviously the new logo is meant to look like a faceless stick figure with a dollop of semen on its tongue. Duh!
But if I can get serious for a second: did you know that The Seattle Times took a poll of over 2,000 people and a whopping 68 percent hated the new logo? That's right, 68 percent of the people polled about Seattle's Best Coffee adopting a brand new logo were so bothered by the change that they felt compelled to say more than "who gives a crap" or "Seattle's Best had a different logo before?" I'm sure the new logo won't affect the mediocrity of the coffee, and I can say that with some authority as I am currently drinking a cup of Seattle's Best. For reals.

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2. TOO MUCH OF A MEDIOCRE THING

The dangers of eating too much bok choy (there's a 'too much' now???) were explored at MSNBC.com's The Body Odd this week, through the retelling of this cautionary tale:
Eating extra veggies is a good goal, but an 88-year-old Chinese woman took the quest too far, consuming enough raw bok choy to send herself into a life-threatening, thyroid-induced coma, doctors say.

The woman showed up at a New York emergency room last summer, complaining she couldn’t walk or swallow. But the real trouble, according to a report in Wednesday’s New England Journal of Medicine, was that she’d been chowing down on 2 to 3 pounds of bok choy every day for several months in hopes of controlling her diabetes.

For those unfamiliar with the vegetable also known as Chinese white cabbage, that’s the equivalent of eating two or three large heads a day of the stiff, leafy stalks. And the woman apparently munched them plain, without a dab of dressing or a sprinkle of salt, according to Dr. Michael Chu, a resident at the New York University School of Medicine who helped care for her.
“I am not sure if she had trouble consuming so much bok choy,” Chu said. “It never came up that it was difficult to do so.”

See, that's how vegetables get you: they're so easy to eat! They're not covered in poisonous spines or equipped with other painful defensive mechanisms. You can pretty much just slice a vegetable up, throw it on top of a salad, and chow down. Plus, you've got your mom up your ass about eating vegetables every single day of your life, and what, your mom's going to lie to you?
Vegetables can kill, I mean, they didn't kill this Chinese broad, she came out of that coma and everything, but still, vegetables are dangerous, that's why they're called "Natures time bombs." The only way to avoid the life-threatening powers of the common vegetable is to fry it and cover it with cheese. Happy eating, readers!

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3. CRAB-PEOPLE INVADE UK; HUMANITY IN DANGER

We love Olympic mascots here at GEP, especially when they're weird and effed up. And what could be weirder or more effing effed up than Wenlock and Mandeville, the official mascots of the 2012 London Olympics? They sort of remind me of the Pairans from Warning From Space, only more crab than starfish. They also kind of look like wacky sidekick characters that might appear on a Saturday morning cartoon from Japan and have a dubbed Tom Kenny voice.
But who are these stumpy, rainbow-colored, cyclops-faced beasties really? Perhaps this goofy, nonsensical video of Wenlock and Mandeville's origin story will help:

Nope. Didn't help.

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4. THE GREAT COMMISSION 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

There are still people who say that God speaks to them. Some claim to have heard a still, small voice urging them to pray for a friend or visit an ailing family member. Others have claimed to have heard the Lord call them into the ministry or instruct them to drown their children in a bathtub. I actively avoid anyone who claims to hear disembodied voices instructing them to do stuff, but to those hearing the voices, the instructions seem very clearly to be coming from on high, missives from God that must be followed on penalty of eternal damnation. The Lord is not to be ignored, and that is why Shafiq Mohamed took a naked stroll through Thibodaux, LA this week:

A man who told police that God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul has been arrested. Thibodaux police responded to an obscenity complaint around 2 a.m. Thursday and found Shafiq Mohamed walking nude down the street. When approached, Mohamed reportedly told officers that "America raped him" and added God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul.

Listen, I don't want to be accused of speaking for God or anything, but I seriously doubt that was the Almighty Creator telling you to strip nude and parade around in your shame, Mr. Mohamed. We've all felt raped by America from time to time--my butthole hurts right now!--but that doesn't give us free reign to whip out our balls and skip down Main St. On the other hand, if God is telling people to get all naked and saunter down the boulevard, I'm even more convinced that my decision to shun organized religion was the right one.

5. BEST DRIVER'S LICENSE BIT SINCE SUPERBAD

We've all had to renew our driver's license, and usually the experience is the very opposite of funny. Not so for Ashlee Lineberger of Englewood, FL this week:

The Florida State DMV notified Ashlee Lineberger of Englewood that her license was about to expire. So she sent $48 in the mail to have it renewed.

"They were prompt in sending it back, but when I got it back and opened it up, and just looked at the address, I was very shocked," Ashlee said.

Her name was correct. Her city and zip code were too. But her street address definitely was not. It read "EAT A**."

BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! EAT ASS!!! OMIGOD! HA HA HA HA! Hang on...hang on. Oh, God, that's funny. Let me catch my breath. Oh, geez. OK. I'm good. Moving on:

Ashlee called the State DMV and hung up after being on hold for 35 minutes. So she went to her local DMV. "Even when I gave it to the lady at the DMV, she was shocked. She said 'I have to go show this to my manager, I can not believe this,'" Ashlee said.

They told her to fix it, she'd have to pay an additional $6.50. While she doesn't want to pay for their mistake, she knows she has to get it replaced. "Especially a mother of 3, if i were to get pulled over by a cop and show him my license, that's all I have to give him," Ashlee said.

She'll just have to deal with being the... butt of a few jokes for a while. "She could keep it, but we don't live on 'Eat A**' street," Charles said.


OMIGOD! HA HA HA HA HA HA! I can't breathe! We gotta stop...we gotta stop. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Let's just do the last story.

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6. MORE DMV TOMFOOLERY!

Poor Kim Romano. She was forced to give up her beloved personalized license plate this week. Now the world, or rather, the citizens of Manville, NJ, will never know that Romano sees herself as a horrible bitch, or a "biotch," as the rappers like to say.

For four years, Kim Romano’s personalized license plates have been her calling card.

People know it’s her when she steers her dark blue Chrysler convertible emblazoned with the word "bioch," slang for bitch, through her small town.

"They say, we knew you were here, we saw your car," said Romano, 49, of Manville. "People know me by the plates."

Everyone, she said, has been in on the joke. But one person wasn’t laughing and filed a complaint, saying the plates are profane. Now, in a collision between slang and bureaucracy, the Motor Vehicle Commission wants the plates back.

As annoyed as I am by women who take the word "bitch" and repurpose it to empower themselves, I'm infinitely more annoyed by prudish busybodies who take it upon themselves to play the morality police. Romano had her personalized plates for four years, they apparently delighted everyone in the neighborhood, then one holier-than-thou Manvillian gets offended and Romano's got to give up her plates? That's bullshit!
Don't cry for Romano though, her new personalized license plate are in the mail. They read: WHAEVER. That is not a joke. That is real. Ugh.

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Friday, May 21, 2010

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Mind the Gap: A London Travelogue (Part 1)

On May 10, 2010, GEP Editor-in-chief, Matt Lawson, and his wife, Jen (AKA List Lady), hopped a plane to London, England, and spent the next four days wandering aimlessly through the third most expensive city in the world. While there, Matt kept a detailed record of the couple's experiences in a journal. The following series of articles is taken from the pages of this journal. Enjoy.

Monday, May 10, 2010
-Jen and I are singled out twice on the flight to Dulles, first for being in the wrong seats and then for blocking the overhead compartment doors with our bulky carry-ons. I hate unwanted attention almost more than anything else, especially when it is a result of me having done something stupid. The guy sitting in our row calls us "nothing but trouble."
-The seats we were sitting in belong to a teenage girl and her mostly incoherent grandfather, who falls asleep soon after take off and snores like a buzzsaw. At one point, the granddaughter complains that her grandfather is touching her. I watch 30 Rock and listen to The Best Show on my iPod.
-We land safely in Washington DC. The flight is only 45 minutes long. I've already had my fill of plane travel for the year, but, oops, I forgot, I've got a 7 hour plane ride in my near future.

Monday-Tuesday-???
-3 minutes into our flight to the UK, I start to experience a low-level panic attack. The tiny screen embedded into the seat in front of me displays the progress of our flight and every few seconds I'm confronted with the fact that I will be stuck in a metal tube hurtling high over the Atlantic Ocean for 7+ hours. In an attempt to alleviate the gnawing fear, I watch It's Complicated.
-It's Complicated is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's not about anything! The actors just wander about the screen spouting what I think are supposed to be jokes. Steve Martin is in this movie! Alec Baldwin! John Krasinski! And yet nothing funny is happening.
-Here's how It's Complicated loses me: In an early scene, Meryl Streep's character is shown puttering around what could easily be described as a "sprawling estate." Her kitchen, as would be expected, is appropriately large, mammoth even. A few scenes later, Streep is meeting with Steve Martin who has designed a brand new kitchen for her. A few more scenes later--just as I'm being served dinner on the plane, in fact (I chose the lasagna--my wife had the chicken)--Martin visits Streep at her mansion and walks her through the plans for the aforementioned new kitchen, during which Streep exclaims, "I'm finally going to have a kitchen!" The balls on this bitch, I thought, yanking the complimentary headphones out of my arm rest, turning off my screen, and attempting to sleep.
-Jen sleeps peacefully during the entire flight. I'm in and out of sleep, but mostly out. I'm completely miserable.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010 (...at least, I think...)
-We land at Heathrow around 11:00 AM. The baggage retrieval system they've got seems just fine.
-I lurch zombie-like through Heathrow airport, aware enough of my surroundings to realize that it's kind of a crappy place. And hot. So very hot. Seriously. Why is this airport so bleeding hot?
-Our shuttle awaits. The drive from Heathrow to London proper is surprisingly not unlike the drive from RDU to our house. I expected castles and dragons and jousting knights. Instead it's gas stations, dilapidated motels, and fast food restaurants just like home. People are driving on the wrong side of the road however, so this must not be a dream.
-The shuttle driver, like everyone in London, drives like a lunatic, but he is very nice. Apologetic too. He apologizes for the traffic. We don't know how to respond, so we just sit quietly. He coughs a bit. Says, "I'm sorry." "For what?" I ask. "The coughing."
-Great restaurant names: Kebob Machine; Spice Grills
-Jen is thrown when the girl at the check-in desk asks, "You all right?" I know from years of British television that this is how young Londoners ask "How are you doing today? Well, I hope." Instead of explaining this to Jen, I just laugh at her. (I explain later.)
-We drop the bags off in our room and take our first trip on the Underground. I get a nerd boner when I hear the recorded voice reminding passengers to "mind the gap." "In the movie Fresh Meat," I say to Jen, whose eyes instantly glaze over, "that's the only thing The Man--that's what they call the cannibal guy who lives in the subway tunnels under London--knows how to say because he, um, learned it from the recorded voice." She doesn't care, but she pretends to, so I'm adequately pleased.
-We check out the Museum of Natural History. I'm starving, light-headed, and tired, so I can't really focus on much, but me and Jen both agree that the museum is kinda lame. It is free though, so we spend a few hours looking at dinosaur bones, stuffed animals, and hormone displays.
-We head out into the wilds of London to find our first lunch destination, a local chain called Masala Zone, and get totally lost in the process.
-I keep wandering into the bike lane while taking an accidental stroll along the Diana Princess of Wales Memorial Walkway, but because British people are so polite, the bike riders I keep having near collisions with apologize to me.
-We are lost for hours, our feet hurt, and we almost break down and have dinner at an American-style diner. But then, just as all hope seems lost, we find Masala Zone and eat one of the most delicious Indian meals ever.
-We get lost again on our way back to the hotel. This will be a running theme.
-I have marveled all day at the lack of creepy weirdos and nutball crazies in London. In a crowded, sprawling, fast-paced city like this, I'd have expected to come in contact with all kinds of creeps, but I've seen nary a homeless person. But then, as dusk approaches, I learn that the crazies of London come out at night! On the trek back to the Kings Cross Holiday Inn we encounter a mentally unstable black woman shouting about California in the 60's; multiple drunk dudes weaving through the crowds, oversized beer cans gripped firmly in their fists; and three hoodlums screaming obscenities and kicking empties all over the place.
-Funniest hoodlum moment: While swearing and throwing cans willy-nilly, one hoodlum comes across a pile of horse crap in the road and proclaims, "What's all this shit?!" Then he kicks more trash around.

TO BE CONTINUED...
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My Favorite Cartoon

Now that I've shared with you some of my favorite cartoon series, I thought I'd share my favorite cartoon episode of all time, a little gem from 1936 entitled "I Love to Singa." I don't remember how old I was when I first saw "Singa," but I know it affected me in a major way, so much so that when I saw it for the second time as an adult, I was instantly transported back to my youth.

One reason "I Love to Singa" has remained so important to me over the years has to do with my mother. I remember sitting in the kitchen one morning with her while she cooked breakfast--I think I was home visiting from college--and for some reason I started talking about "that cartoon with the little singing owl." "That was my favorite cartoon," I told her and was shocked when she told me that "Singa" had been her favorite cartoon when she was a child. I thought that was pretty cool.

Anyway, here it is, my favorite cartoon of all time, "I Love to Singa." Enjoy.

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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Sick, Twisted, Hilarious, and/or Weird: 11 Animated Programs You Owe it to Yourself to Experience

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8. Colonel Bleep

Another weirdo, limited-animation series from the 1950's, Colonel Bleep has the distinction of being the first ever color cartoon made for television. It is also the first, and only, program to focus on the unlikely friendship between a gumdrop-headed, unicycle-riding extraterrestrial (the title character), a cowboy marionette named Squeek, and an unfrozen caveman with the unfortunate name of Scratch. Over 104, 5-minute episodes, Bleep, Squeek and Scratch clashed with various evildoers, most of which wore dark clothing and had their name preceded by the word "Black," righting wrongs and saving the world from imminent danger, always while barely seeming animated at all.
I'm not going to lie: a big Hollywood reboot of Colonel Bleep might be appealing. There is enough oddball charm to the concept (An alien who hurtles through the stars on an intergalactic unicycle! A living cowboy puppet! A caveman named Scratch!) that in the right hands, a Colonel Bleep movie could be a real crowd pleaser, provided the crowd is mostly made up of weirdos like me.
Verdict: Weird

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9. Elfen Lied
From my detailed description/review of Elfen Lied, which can be found on the Movie Penguin blog:
Elfen Lied is a challenging piece of visceral entertainment about betrayal, disillusionment, loneliness, unrequited love, jealousy, intolerance, genocide, violence, hatred, and pain. It is depressing, thought-provoking, and at times extremely difficult to look at, making it perhaps one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever had during my years of watching Japanese animation. It's been said so much that it has become cliche, but Elfen Lied provides a more meaningful exploration of the human condition in 13, 20-minute animated episodes than most live-action American dramatic series do over multiple seasons. To put it quite simply, Elfen Lied kicks major ass.
Verdict: Sick, Twisted, Awesome

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10. Tom Goes to the Mayor
The few individuals who have seen and been delighted by my "Rats Off To Ya" t-shirt--a group that includes at least two Disney World employees, one of which helped me into a go-cart on the Tomorrowland Speedway--are already familiar with Tom Goes to the Mayor, a limited-animation gem from the brilliantly twisted minds of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim. Tom tells the story of one Mr. Tom Peters, a hapless visionary who wants to improve conditions in Jefferton, perhaps the dumbest town in America (Think Springfield if it were populated by nothing but thousands of Homer Simpsons) for his lumpy, misshapen stepsons and caustic, morbidly-obese, scooter-bound wife, but is thwarted at every step by Jefferton's well-meaning, but completely batshit crazy mayor.
Tom Goes to the Mayor was very polarizing when it first aired in 2004. I was introduced to the program by my brother-in-law and, for me, it was love at first sight. Tom Goes to the Mayor established Tim and Eric as new comic luminaries and rebooted my interest in Adult Swim's programming. If it hadn't been for Tom, I would've never returned in time for Squidbillies or Tim and Eric's epic follow-up, Awesome Show Great Job.
Verdict: Sick, Twisted, Hilarious, Weird

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11. Adventure Time
There is so much to love about Cartoon Network's new series Adventure Time--the quirky character design, the fanciful landscapes, the edgy writing, the oddball theme song, John DiMaggio's unmistakably awesome voice--that I've had no problem whatsoever deeming it my Lost replacement after that show ends its epic run this Sunday. Sure, I'm going to miss Jack, Not- Locke, and fun time Hurley, but Jake (the dog) and Finn (the human) will soften the blow, I'm sure.
Why do I love Adventure Time so damn much? Well, it only took one little scene to make me fall in love forever. Jake and Finn are walking through a magical forest and Finn starts to sing, his voice auto-tuned to perfection. Jake asks, "Hey, Finn, how do you sing like that?" And Finn answers, "Remember that computer I swallowed?" Gold!
Verdict: Hilarious, Weird


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Friday, May 14, 2010

Food Porn Friday: Sushi!!!

From Tokyo House (It's within walking distance from my house, dudes!)


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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sick, Twisted, Hilarious, and/or Weird: 11 Animated Programs You Owe it to Yourself to Experience

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5. Clutch Cargo
Calling Clutch Cargo an "animated program" is like calling Joaquin Phoenix a "rap artist."
In the 1950's, a television cameraman and his buddy created the process of Syncro-Vox optical printing, which sounds a whole lot cooler than it actually is. Basically, Syncro-Vox consists of static cartoon images with real human lips superimposed over them providing the limited movement that gives Syncro-Vox animation its highly debatable right to be referred to as animation at all. If you were a loyal viewer of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, you've basically seen Clutch Cargo, you just didn't know it.
Clutch Cargo follows the adventures of handsome writer/pilot Clutch Cargo, his prepubescent chum, Spinner (No, really), and Spinner's canine companion, Paddlefoot. The three unlikely adventurers travel all over the world solving goofy mysterious with the help of Clutch's various ethnic pals. Yes, it's a virtual racial stereotypes parade on the Clutch Cargo show, my favorite being Snowshoe the Eskimo. Oogle-Loogle, indeed.
Verdict: Weird

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6. A Little Snow Fairy Sugar
I know what you're thinking: "GEP expects me to watch some stupid show about hyperactive fairies who control the four seasons with magical instruments? That's lame ass girl stuff." OK, it may be girly kinda, but A Little Snow Fairy Sugar is far from being "lame ass." True, it is about a little girl, named Saga, who lives in a German village with her grandmother and dreams of being a talented piano player like her dead mother. And, yes, Saga does befriend a talkative sprite named Sugar who is training to be a Season Fairy. And, fine, the show is crammed full of cutesy, frou-frou girl stuff. But it's also a deeply touching story of friendship and grief with a message about chasing your dreams and following your heart. But most importantly, it's a show about waffles, or "WAFFOS!" as Sugar is prone to shouting at least 100 times an episode.
Verdict: Cute (Awwwwwww)

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7. Mighty Mouse: The New Adventures
What happens when you put Ralph Bakshi, John K. (of Ren and Stimpy, another animation must view that will not be appearing on this list for reasons beyond my control), and a whole assortment of other weirdo animation upstarts in a room together and toss them a cultural touchstone like Mighty Mouse? You guessed it: cancellation.
Mighty Mouse: The New Adventures was way ahead of its time, meaning it couldn't possibly last longer than two seasons. It's unfortunate that the Mighty Mouse crew was cranking out some of the very best episodes just as the show was hurtling toward the inevitable end. As is usually the case, a religious killjoy was to blame for the show's demise, after he complained that Mighty Mouse was shown snorting cocaine in one episode, which he he was very clearly not. I'm glad Donald Wildmon never saw the one where Gandy Goose and Sourpuss the Cat are shown to be in a committed gay relationship. He's head probably would've exploded.
There are too many classic episodes of Mighty Mouse to discuss, but I defy you to watch the one featuring The Tree Weasels (a rodent singing group parodying Alvin and the Chipmunks) singing their hit song "Twitch and Writhe" and not find yourself humming the tune incessantly over the next few months.
Verdict: Hilarious, Weird

END PART 2. NEXT TIME...more weird shit from the 1950's, extreme gore and nudity from Japan, the best Adult Swim show ever, and my latest, greatest discovery!

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Monday, May 10, 2010

Sick, Twisted, Hilarious, and/or Weird: 11 Animated Programs You Owe it to Yourself to Experience

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1. Felix the Cat
While visiting Rehoboth Beach, DE last year, the wife and I stopped by a local Wal-mart to purchase some jerky and socks (It's sort of like a tradition). I wandered into the Home Entertainment Department, as I am wont to do, and there on a shelf of discount DVDs I found what I considered at the time to be the Holy Grail of sensibly priced DVD box sets of public domain material: Mill Creek Entertainment's Giant 600 Cartoon Collection. The set boldly promised "over 60 hours of entertainment!" and appearances from the most classic of animated characters, including Popeye, Casper the Friendly Ghost, and Betty Boop. Obviously, I had to have it, and, hell, there's no sales tax in DE, so I got it for a song (Not literally, though I did serenade the cashier and he did say he enjoyed my voice.).
Predictably, most of the cartoons included on the 600 Cartoon Collection were duds. Most, but not all. I found myself intrigued by the weirdness and wanton sexuality of Ms. Boop, and I will be forever haunted by the nightmarish, early stop-motion versions of popular fairy tales included in the set. Only the Felix the Cat cartoons peppered throughout the 12 DVDs though made the concept of "repeated viewing" a viable option. I have had my fill of Popeye the Sailor and his ho-hum world of spinach-sucking and fisticuffs. The universe Felix inhabits, however, is a treasure trove of oddball insanity. The earliest Felix cartoons are grimy and weathered, not at all up to the exacting standards of today's sugar-crazed toddlers. Today's kids seemingly want flashing lights and promotional tie-ins. Give me a black and white Felix joint, accompanied by some old time piano, and I'm a happy manchild. I've never dropped acid, but my guess is the experience is not unlike watching Felix cartoons at three in the morning.
Verdict: Weird

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2. Happy Tree Friends
Recently I described Happy Tree Friends to my wife as "the real life Itchy and Scratchy," before realizing that I perhaps uttered the dumbest statement ever. Upon reflection, however, the statement doesn't seem so stupid. Yes, Happy Tree Friends does not, in fact, take place on the same plane of existence in which we work, eat, and copulate each day, but it is an animated program that embraces fully the orgy of violence on display in Bart Simpson's favorite cartoon.
I introduced my friend and fellow GEP writer, Jonathan, to Happy Tree Friends a couple of weeks ago, and used my newly honed, less-stupid-sounding description to give him an idea of what was about to be projected into his eyeholes: "It's, like, imagine the moment in every Roadrunner cartoon where Wile E. Coyote runs headlong off of a cliff and smacks the ground in a puff of smoke, only when he lands now, his body bursts open and his bloody entrails go soaring through the air and wrap themselves around the Roadrunner's face, causing the Roadrunner to run directly into a passing truck and splatter into a million fleshing pieces on the truck's windshield."
There's something about cartoon violence taken to an obscene extreme that somehow makes it more palatable. And, heck, isn't it at least a little funny to watch adorable woodland creatures be disemboweled with medical precision? If your answer is no, please, do not watch Happy Tree Friends. And for Pete's sake, don't let your kids watch, unless you're punishing them or trying to traumatize them in some way that I'd rather you keep to yourself.
Verdict: Sick, Twisted, Hilarious

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3. The Super Milk Chan Show
I'm a big anime fan, but as a general rule I steer clear of "funny" anime programs. I don't know if the jokes are lost in translation or what, but most "comedic anime" (There's probably some Japanese term for it, but I'm too lazy to look it up. Help me out, nerds!) annoys the shit out of me.
Milk Chan is the exception. On the surface, it looks like a cutesy show about a drooling toddler named Milk who lives in a house shaped like a baby bottle with her closest chums, an outdated robot water cooler and a tennis shoe-sized worm. Then Milk opens her mouth and lets the filth (and aforementioned drool) fly. She repeatedly refers to her motherly robot pal, Tetsuko, as a "dumbass," uses her landlord's closeted homosexuality to get out of paying her rent, and exploits the President of Everything's blatant stupidity whenever he calls her on the hotline with an important mission. And I haven't even mentioned the dysfunctional family of ants living in Milk's front yard or Dr. Eyepatch.
Milk Chan is repetitive for sure--you'll catch on to its formula two episodes in--but it's never dull and, yes, it's actually pretty funny.
Verdict: Hilarious, Weird

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4. The Life and Times of Tim
As a younger man, I was big time into Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist. In fact, it was through Dr. Katz, the very first Squigglevision series, if I'm not mistaken, that I was introduced to some of my favorite funny people for the first time--H. Jon Benjamin, Marc Maron, Laura Silverman, Todd Barry, Ray Romano, among others. The animation was not the draw, obviously. I enjoyed the rambling quality of the voice performances. The characters had real conversations. Sure, they were funnier conversations than one would typically have in a day, but they sounded kinda like real life. Characters talked over one another, laughed when someone said something funny. I liked it. I could just imagine Jon Benjamin and Jonathan Katz sitting in a room together just chattin'. I don't know if this is how it was done, but wouldn't it be nice?
HBO's The Life and Times of Tim takes that Dr. Katz magic--limited animation, rambling conversations--and brings it back. I used to describe it to people as "an animated Curb Your Enthusiasm" until I realized one day that Tim is much funnier than Curb has ever been. Tim, like Larry, repeatedly finds himself in uncomfortable situations in which he is usually the object of ridicule and/or scorn. The difference, however, is that Tim is endlessly likable. Sure, his OmniCorp co-workers may be piling on the shit, but Tim never loses his cool, never bites back. He takes it like the easy-going schmuck he is and while some viewers may find his lack of motivation or spine pathetic, I find it charming and hilarious. Plus, the voice cast is full of comic luminaries, including Bob Odenkirk, Andrew Daly, Paul F. Thompkins, and Dr. Katz alum Marc Maron.
Verdict: Hilarious

END OF PART 1. NEXT TIME...the very definition of "limited animation," more anime cuteness, and the rebirth of a hero.

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Sunday, May 9, 2010

Sunday Bloody Sunday: Happy Mother's Day from Marmaduke & Jump Start Sucks

Hey, did you happen to catch Marmaduke this morning? No? Well, check it out:
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You're not imagining things. Marmaduke just prevented two young children from being abducted and possibly raped and murdered. Nothing says Happy Mother's Day like a colorful comic strip depiction of attempted kidnapping. Sheesh!
Don't get me wrong: I'm not pro-kidnapping. Far from it, in fact. But was this really the best idea Brad Anderson had this week? Panel #5 is one of the most disturbing things I've seen on the Sunday funny pages, and I regularly read Lio. The creepy perv in his oversized jacket and olive-green hunting cap with Marmaduke's child pal's wrists gripped firmly in his gnarled, adult fists...makes me feel nauseous, something I don't want to experience when I'm enjoying a Mother's Day brunch with my family. And, yet, here it was, badly drawn and creepy as balls. Kinda made me long for the days when Marmaduke was being visited by tiny green extraterrestrials. At least those strips didn't put the image of child sexual exploitation in my head. Boo, Brad Anderson. Boo!

Jump Start, while not nearly as graphic, matched Marmaduke's rampant stupidity this morning with this little adventure:
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Is Joe's telephone adventure supposed to be shedding light on a hot button political issue? Is this Robb Armstrong's attempt to satirize the immigration debate currently raging in the United States? Or is this just the stupidest comic strip ever?
I've thought it over and can only assume that this Sunday's Jump Start is, without a doubt, the stupidest strip ever. Congrats, Joe and Marcy!
First of all, Joe, you lazy dick, you can reach that remote. So, the twins wake up. Big deal! They'll fall asleep again.
Secondly, no one speaks that wacky Avatar language, besides maybe a handful of young mouthbreathing men who were too young to get into Star Trek and therefore are ignorant to the whole Klingon language bullshit certain nerds enjoy. Why would a bank offer a Avatar-language option? That's ri-fucking-diculous!
And, OK, let's say there are Na'vi living among us--working for the cable company, enjoying a Starbucks now and again, waiting tables at Outback Steakhouse--and they need to do some over-the-phone banking, so they call Tele-Banking (Is this the name of a bank, Jump Start?) and they get this message and they hear the phrase "For that weird language in Avatar press 3." How the hell do you think that makes them feel? That "weird language?" The message doesn't say, "For that weird language Mexicans speak," does it? Uncouth, Tele-Banking!


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Happy Mother's Day 2010

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, be you young...
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...old...
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...or totally creepy!
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Go for it, moms! You rock!
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Saturday, May 8, 2010

GEP Cares: 16 MORE COMMON WORDS & PHRASES ONE SHOULD NEVER USE AT WORK

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Last month, GEP presented its readers with 17 toxic phrases that if present on their resumes should be stricken immediately. It was a big hit and put Yahoo's shrimpy list to shame. Well, Yahoo is at it again, this time with their fat cat friends over at Forbes.com. This week, I read a yawn-inducing article concerned with 9 common words and phrases one should never utter in the workplace. It was the usual tripe--"I don't know," "whatever," "yes, but...," "we'll see," and five more ho-hums even a monkey could accidentally pound out on a typewriter--so GEP decided to step in and offer some truly helpful advice, because, as I've often said, we are primarily a blog dedicated to helping individuals succeed in the world of modern business. So, please, enjoy the following: 16 MORE COMMON WORDS & PHRASES ONE SHOULD NEVER USE AT WORK.

-"DO THEY STILL ALLOW BLACK PEOPLE ON AMERICAN IDOL? THEY DO? THEN, NO, I DIDN'T WATCH IT LAST NIGHT."

-"YOU KNOW, I DON'T MUCH CARE FOR SHORT PEOPLE, AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT MIDGETS."

-COVER YOUR EYES, NOSE, AND MOUTH WITH POST-IT NOTES AND RUN AROUND SCREAMING, "LOOK AT ME, I'M THE MAN WITHOUT A FACE!"

-"WHAT DID I DO THIS WEEKEND? DON'T YOU MEAN WHO DID I DO THIS WEEKEND? CAUSE I DID, LIKE, EVERYBODY."

-"DAMN, FRIDAYS MAKE ME HORNY!"

-"THAT'S A NICE SKIRT, SHELIA. I CAN ALMOST SEE YOUR VAGINA."

-"YEAH, I COULD HAVE THE PAPERWORK TO YOU BY TUESDAY, BUT IT'LL HAVE A TON SEMEN ON IT."

-"COME ON IN. YOU KNOW I HAVE AN OPEN FLY POLICY."

-"HAVE YOU SEEN THAT PORNO WHERE...?"

-"THIS COFFEE TASTES LIKE SOMEONE PISSED IN IT. SHIT. YOU KNOW WHAT? I DID PISS IN IT THIS MORNING. MY BAD."

-"I WISH WE COULD GET PAID IN HANDJOBS, DON'T YOU?"

-"OBVIOUSLY I DIDN'T KNOW WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO BRING RACCOONS TO WORK."

-"I KNOW IT'S NOT BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY, THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT THIS HOOKER."

-"DO YOU HAVE SOME METH I COULD BORROW?"

-"BETTY, THAT WALNUT BANANA BREAD YOU MADE WAS AWFUL. LEARN TO COOK, ASSHOLE."

-"YOU MEAN WE CAN'T MAKE DEATH THREATS ON COMPANY TIME? THAT SEEMS UNREASONABLE."


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