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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Wednesday Morning Music: Snoop Dogg-"Oh Sookie"


So, this was probably a bad idea.

Wait, he's got eggs for Tara to eat? Snoop, are you that insensitive? Eggs was just shot and killed and you're looking to get your balls tongued? Tara almost committed suicide over that shit, man! For shame.
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Sunday, June 27, 2010

Sunday Night Trailers: The Good, The Bad, and the Intriguing

The Good: The Green Hornet

Let's face it: the 2010 summer movie season has largely been a dud. Sure, Hollywood kicked things off with Iron Man 2 and we've got Scott Pilgrim vs. The World to look forward to at summer's end, but look at all the garbage we have to endure between these few gems: The A-Team, a Karate Kid reboot, a fourth boring entry in the Shrek saga, Grown Ups, and yet another sparkly Mormon vampire movie! We don't even get a Harry Potter this summer! What the hell?
Looks like January is gonna make it all better. I mean, c'mon: a newly svelte Seth Rogen as the Green Hornet, Christoph Waltz as the heavy, and Michel Gondry in the director's seat? Is there any reason I shouldn't be bouncing off the walls with excitement?

The Bad: Tangled

Last time I was at Disney World, I happened upon a poster for the upcoming feature film Rapunzel. Now, I'm a fan of the Rapunzel story. It's weird, dark, and scary, in essence, everything a good Grimm Brother's fairy tale should be.
Well, Rapunzel has become this piece of shit, Tangled. In this version, Rapunzel can apparently control her hair Dr. Octopus-style, which leads to all kinds of mischief that the man sitting behind me at the movie theater yesterday afternoon found chuckle-worthy. You've watched the trailer. Tell me what is funny about it. Really. I have no idea why anyone would pay money to see this.
(Note: I had the misfortune of having to sit through this horrible dreck whilst waiting for Toy Story 3 to start. Toy Story 3, if you care to know, is not only wonderful, but it has the distinction of being the best film of 2010 thus far. Once again, Pixar shames its Disney bosses. Dammit, Tangled just makes me angry!)

The Intriguing: FrICTION

I've watched the trailer for FrICTION a few times now and it makes my head ache. I can't figure out what the hell is going on...and I like it!

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Last Week in Movies (6/20-6/26)

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Them! (1954)

Them! has the distinction of being the first of the "giant bug" movies that became popular in the late 50's and throughout the 60's. So popular were these "gargantuan insect" pictures, young people started to dress and style their hair like the "mammoth-sized creepy crawlies" they'd encountered at the cinema, hence the beehive hairdo, the praying mantis slacks, and the dung beetle bowler. Boys in their late teens were known to sport "caterpillar-staches" on their upper lips in the Springtime.

Them! is not only an exciting science fiction thriller about mutant ants, it is also a lesson in nuclear responsibility. As kooky old Dr. Medford ominously intones at the film's end, "When Man entered the atomic age, he opened a door into a new world. What we'll eventually find in that new world, nobody can predict."

My grade: B+

My tagline: "In New Mexico, the ants step on you!

A word on the film's poster: None of that happens. No monster ants crash through any skyscrapers or clamp scantily-clad vixens in their pincers. Sgt Ben Peterson almost gets chomped in half, but no ladies. There is however a whole buttload of fire in the movie.

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The Killing (1956)

This Stanley Kubrick-directed crime caper from 1956 was first recommended to me by a girlfriend who had just seen it in a college film class. Believing my knowledge of cinema to be far superior to her's, I blew her recommendation off with a simple, "I'll check it out when I have time. Let's make out." Oh, boy, was I ever wrong. Why make out with a hot college chick, when you could sit down and watch a quality film noir all by yourself? I've always been a Kubrick fan, so there's really no excuse for waiting this long to watch The Killing. The dialogue is pitch perfect, the performances are fantastic, specifically that of Marie Windsor as Sherry Peatty, the conniving wife of George, one of the five schemers behind an epic racetrack heist, and the film's finale is both devastating and unforgettable.

My grade: A

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On the Waterfront (1954)

Also from '54, but oddly enough, no giant insects. On the Waterfront is an indisputable classic. They don't make actors like Brando, Malden, and Cobb any more. The story is simple: Terry Malloy (Brando), a former boxer, takes on the mob-run longshoreman's union in his New Jersey town, with the support of a local priest (Malden), his dead buddy's sister (Eva Marie Saint), and literally nobody else. On the Waterfront is an amazing picture and its got the Academy Awards to prove it, including a Best Actor for Brando and Best Picture. You're probably already familiar with Brando's big moment in the back seat of his brother's car ("I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am..."). Now familiarize yourself with the whole film.

My grade: A

Lingering question: Did that kid really murder every single one of Terry's pigeons? That's messed up! I mean, that's some serial killer shit, man!

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Metropolis (1927)

In the weird, futuristic city of Metropolis, the privileged, floppy-haired, puffy golf pants-clad son of a wealthy industrialist, has his world of pleasure gardens and whimsical fountains rocked when he comes face to face with the lowly, underground workers who keep the city functioning. Moved by their plight and smitten with their religious leader, the beautiful Maria, Freder Fredersen (no, really) joins with them to make a better tomorrow. While this is going on, Freder's father and a local mad scientist with the unfortunate name of Dr. Rotwang, plot the downfall of Metropolis's working class, using a humanoid robot they've made up to look like Maria, to convince the rabble to destroy the machines that govern their hellish underground existence. Features probably the most abrupt ending in cinema history, but what are you gonna do? It's a classic of German Expressionism. Give it a break!

My grade: B

At the movies with Phyllis and Larry: Whenever I go to the movies with my folks, I get to observe their adorable trailer rating ritual. If they enjoy a particular coming attraction, they will look at one another with thumbs pointed to the sky. If a trailer does not tickle their respective fancies however, their thumbs are turned downward and often one or both of them will make a frowny face. The amazing thing is that they always seem to agree. Years ago, I took them to a small theater in Charlotte to see Spellbound. I don't remember all of the coming attractions, but I do recall seeing the trailer for a revival of Metropolis. I was pretty excited. I hadn't seen it yet, but I'd wanted to for a long time. At the conclusion of the trailer, my father and mother looked at one another and...GASP...both of their thumbs were pointed at the sticky, popcorn-strewn floor. "Dad," I whisper-screamed, "Metropolis is a classic!" "Eh," he shrugged and turned his attention back to the screen. (They both enjoyed Spellbound, by the way.)

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The Hurt Locker (2008)

Kathryn Bigelow's Academy Award-winning film is intensity in its purest form and if you are lucky enough to have a home theater system like mine, well, it's like you are right there in the thick of the Iraq War, defusing IEDs with Jeremy Renner and friends. And that's about as involved in all of that as I ever plan to be. Devastatingly raw, starkly poignant, yet wholly entertaining, The Hurt Locker is one of the finest films about the Iraq War to come out in a long time. But, seriously, you gotta watch with surround sound and a subwoofer pounding in one corner of the room. I spent a good deal of the movie crouched behind a makeshift bunker comprised of couch pillows, fearing for my life.

My grade: A


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Saturday, June 26, 2010

GEP's Summer Viewing List: A 14-Week Film-A-Palooza

Some people have a summer reading list--I have a summer viewing list. I think I've put together a pretty good group of films for GEP's 1st annual summer viewing program. The goal is to watch 5 movies I haven't seen but want/need to see each week. Every Sunday I will review the past week on on this very blog. The whole experience will run 14 weeks.

Here's the schedule:


Week One (6/20-6/26): The Hurt Locker, On the Waterfront, Them!, The Killing, Metropolis

Week Two (6/27-7/3): Chinatown, Die Hard, Body Heat, The Testament of Dr. Mabuse, In the Mood for Love

Week Three (7/4-7/10): The Constant Gardener, The Big Sleep, The 400 Blows, The Devil's Rejects, Last Tango in Paris

Week Four (7/11-7/17): Gojira, Let the Right One In, Johnny Got His Gun, The Unseen, Rear Window

Week Five (7/18-7/24): Thieves Highway, Through a Glass Darkly, The King of Kong, A Boy and His Dog, Peeping Tom

Week Six (7/25-7/31): Shoot the Piano Player, Harlan County U.S.A., The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, Red Road, The Messenger

Week Seven (8/1-8/7): Pandora's Box, 8 1/2, Cool Hand Luke, The Warriors, Ponyo

Week Eight (8/8-8/14): The Visitor, Patton, Panic in the Streets, Margot at the Wedding, The Fog

Week Nine (8/15-8/21): The Hammer, Near Dark, The Searchers, The Yakuza, Strait-Jacket

Week Ten (8/22-8/28): Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Casino Royale (1967), The Stranger, Mysterious Skin, Creature from the Black Lagoon

Week Eleven (8/29-9/4): Rebel Without a Cause, Double Indemnity, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, The Proposition, Eyes Without a Face

Week Twelve (9/5-9/11): Rachel Getting Married, Man Bites Dog, Bunny Lake is Missing, Chocolate, The Godfather: Part II

Week Thirteen (9/12-9/18): They Live, Lust Caution, Gilda, Frozen River, Wendy and Lucy

Week Fourteen (9/19-9/25): Gozu, Big Trouble in Little China, Wait Until Dark, Days of Heaven, The Iron Giant

Follow along OR make your own list. Whatever you do, make sure to stay out of the sun and locked in your basement sequestered from both friends and family members all summer long. Let's make this horrible season count for something, fellow film nerds!


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Friday, June 25, 2010

Food Porn Friday: Friendly's Grilled Cheese Burger Melt

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Behold! Friendly's Grilled Cheese Burger Melt! No, you didn't just slip into a beautiful dream state. What you are looking at is totally real! It exists! In our world! Friendly's is flipping the bird to good health and good sense with their latest mash-up (they also offer something called the Soft Pretzel Bacon Burger), a sandwich that combines the buttery crispness of a grilled cheese sandwich with the salty, grease-sweating warmth of an old-fashioned American hamburger. And here's the the best part: it's got three times the calories of KFC's Double Down! Yum! Read the rest of this article.

Michael Jackson: 1 Year Later

Believe it or not, it was a year ago today that Michael Jackson, the once and future King of Pop, passed away. It feels like only yesterday I first heard the news and uttered, "Oh, yeah?"

I'm sorry to say that one year later Michael Jackson is still totally dead. It wasn't an elaborate ruse, like so many of us hoped, but rather an actual, 100% authentic death brought on by massive amounts of ill-gotten narcotics administered to him by a subhuman quack. Jackson is gone and the sooner ya'll can deal with it the better. You don't have to throw away your officially licensed MJ Bobbleheads or homemade sparkly gloves, but putting them in storage might be a step in the right direction to recovery. Spend the day listening to your favorite Michael songs (I'll have the soundtrack to Captain Eo on repeat myself) and then, I don't know, move on to someone more, well, alive.

As far as I know, on the day Michael died, I was the only "journalist" asking, "What about Bubbles? Has someone told Bubbles the bad news? Dammit, won't someone think about Bubbles!?" Well, it turns out someone was thinking about Bubbles. Unfortunately for Bubbles, it was LaToya Jackson. Her emotional reunion with Jackson's chimpanzee ward was caught on tape by Animal Planet cameramen for a special entitled Michael Jackson & Bubbles: The Untold Story, and it went a little something like this:

I can't tell. Is Bubbles...

A. too pissed off to look LaToya in the eyes because he hasn't stopped thinking about the day the Jackson's dumped him off at the chimp reserve when he got too big to wear his miniature Michael Jackson costumes?

B. wondering why the lady crying in his face and repeating his name over and over isn't serving him lunch?

C. utterly confused ("They told me Michael was dead, but he's standing here right in front of me. What gives?")?

D. farting?

Anyway, celebrate the life of Michael Jackson any way you want to today. Then shut the hell up about it, OK?

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Goodbye, Amanda Bynes

1999-2010
Sad news out of Hollywood this week: 24-year-old actress Amanda Bynes has announced that she is retiring from the business of show. I for one will greatly miss Bynes' bumbling antics and fried chicken-colored skin. We here at GEP would wish you all the best, Ms. Bynes, but sadly we don't give enough of a crap. Honestly, how many more movies do you think Amanda Bynes will star in post-retirement? My guess is 15.
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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

100 Songs I Love presents...10 Songs to Crank Up When the Windows are Down (Songs 30-39)

Summertime: I hate every square inch of it! If I was forced to pick a favorite part o' Summer however, I would probably say the whole "rolling down the car windows & blasting my favorite tunes" thing. True, you can probably enjoy this activity year-round, but there's just something about driving around town, stereo volume locked somewhere between "39" and "45", blaring some tuneskis, and shouting "Wooo" to the ladies that screams Summer to me.

So, tonight, as I continue upon my quest to highlight and share 100 of my very favorite songs with you, dear readers, I focus on songs I love to play while tooling around town in my Scion, elbow pointed toward the horizon in the "devil-may-care" fashion people have come to expect from me. I suggest adding one or two (Are you bold enough to add all???) of the following songs to your Summer Listening List. Now get out there and create some noise pollution!

30. Distopian Dream Girl by Built to Spill
31. Form by Hooray for Earth
32. Los Angeles by Frank Black

(You can't beat Frank Black cruising around the desert in a hovercraft.)
33. Heaven's on Fire by The Radio Dept.
34. Daisy by Fang Island
35. Water Wings by Superchunk

36. Dead Womb by Death From Above 1979
37. Me and Mia by Ted Leo and The Pharmacists

38. This Love is Fucking Right by The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
39. Dark As Days by Army Navy
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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

100 Songs I Love presents...5 Rock Chicks I Love (Songs 25-29)

You thought I'd given up, huh? You thought, "I guess Matt couldn't find enough songs to love," right? Well, you're wrong, creep, because I'm back with five more songs I love, and this time I've added some pictures of hot chicks! Word to the wise: don't miss out on these songs. Click the links. You won't be disappointed.
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Alice Glass of Crystal Castles
Song #25:
Pap Smear from Crystal Castles (II)

Alice Glass scares me a little and that's why she appeals to me so much. Sure, in the above picture she looks downright approachable, but in the bulk of the photos one can find by conducting a simple Google image search, Ms. Glass appears borderline psychotic; a demented pixie crawling on drum kits one second and writhing on the floor the next. And her voice? While it is forever being manipulated by bandmate Ethan Kath, the raw angst and beauty comes through like a demon-possessed jackhammer, eviscerating your ears then softly cuddling the bloody chunks to its bosom. "Pap Smear," a track from the band's latest album, is an early favorite for me, but the album as a whole is so explosive, my loyalties remain in a constant state of flux. Crystal Castles is without a doubt my favorite band right now.
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Inara George
Song #26:
Good To Me from All Rise

Inara George has one of the most gorgeous voices I have ever heard. Her work with Greg Kurstin in The Bird and the Bee is among some of my favorite music being produced right now, but this track from George's first solo album is always in my iPod rotation and has appeared on more than a few mix CDs. Yes, I make mix CDs for people, why?
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Liz Phair
Song #27:
Perfect World from Whitechocolatespaceegg

Choosing a favorite Liz Phair song is damn near impossible. I've been in love with Liz Phair since my high school girlfriend played the song "Flower" for me one summer night as we drove aimlessly around Charlotte in her car. More than likely our journey took us to a church parking lot where a lengthy make out session was certain to occur. I mean, c'mon, you don't play "Flower" for a horny young man then leave him hanging. I didn't want to go the obvious route and choose "Flower" for this feature however, so I chose one of my favorite tracks from Ms. Phair's third album, Whitechocolatespaceegg. "Perfect World" is quiet, earnest, and completely devoid of sexual innuendo, making it kind of an oddball in the Liz Phair oeuvre.
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t.A.T.u.
Song #28:
Malchik Gay from 200 km/h in the Wrong Lane

OK, sure, it was the whole "hot, Russian, teen lesbian" thing that made me take notice initially, but it was the music that made me stick around. I don't care who knows it: I genuinely like t.A.T.u.'s first English release. I like the video where they pretend to make out with one another behind a chain link fence while disgusted onlookers shake their heads in disgust. I like The Smiths' cover (Go ahead, punch me in the face. I can take it! I'm a man!). And I especially like "Malchik Gay," a catchy pop song about how hard it is to be a fake lesbian. Plus, I think it kind of sounds like they're saying "magic gay," and that makes me smile.
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Rihanna
Song #29:
Rude Boy from Rated R

I've already written about my obsession with "Umbrella" and my inability to skip it whenever it makes an iPod appearance, but while "Umbrella" will always have a spot on my playlist, it lacks the raw sex appeal of "Rude Boy" and that song's accompanying video. Who are we to deny Rihanna when she demands that we give it to her "like boom boom boom?" I don't know what the hell that means, but I'm willing to learn. Wanna know how Rihanna made my Celebrity Sex List? Click the link and learn. (By the way, my wife knows all about the Celebrity Sex List. She has one too. Its got a few weirdos on it, if I'm being honest.)

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Saturday, June 5, 2010

Learning Through Rap

Recent studies have shown that the best way to learn something new is through something called "hip-hop." I wasn't sure what that was myself, so I performed a unnecessarily extensive Google search and discovered that "hip-hop" is simply a fancy word for "rap." But don't let that scare you. I know some people out there think "rap" is just a bunch of grown men in clown make-up shouting about murder and magnets, but it turns out there are raps that actually serve an educational purpose. For instance, I recently listened to a rap that taught me how to properly feed and care for my bitch. My thirst for knowledge was far from quenched though, so I delved deeper into hip-hop culture on a mission to find more educational raps and share them with our readers. Turns out, rap can learn ya a whole mess of things, like...

1. Fireworks safety

In anticipation of Summer, the Midland Fire Department released a fireworks safety rap in the hopes that this year the citizenry of Midland, MI would refrain from blowing off their hands and faces. The trio of fireman-cum-dope-MCs present 9 simple rules to keep from burning yourself alive. Some of these rules include: read safety labels, which the firemen compare to the life lessons one can glean from the fables of Aesop; keep fireworks away from your cigar-chomping, kerosene-toting, false beard-wearing Uncle Randy; refrain from carrying fireworks in your pocket as an event of nuclear proportions is bound to occur; and no matter how much an asshole your older brother is, don't shove a sparkler in his face.

Most important lyrics: So, remember if it flies and makes a bang/stay away or you're in a chain gang (Wow. That's pretty harsh. My Uncle Randy told me those chain gangs are horrible!)

2. The plight of the elderly

No one understands the day to day trials of being an elderly woman in America like Rapping Granny. She may be decrepit, feeble-minded, and smelly, but does RG let that stuff slow her down? Hell, no, playa! She keeps it real...real old. But unlike, say, a Snoop Dogg or a Warren G, when the day-to-day grind gets her down, Rapping Granny doesn't resort to macho posturing and gun violence. She doesn't need to. She's got a "lyrical AK" after all. Rapping Granny's got all you bitches on lock. Now back off before she thwacks you with her walker. Those legs may have tennis balls on the end of 'em, but that shit still hurts.
Most important lyrics: I'm a big star and I'm spectacular/laid back like Dracula...

3. How to treat one's mother

Mr. T is famous for many things: wearing gold chains, being the only member of the A-Team who is afraid to fly, engaging in fisticuffs with Rocky, being less than amused with Richard Belzer, having his own sugary breakfast cereal, etc. But did you know he rapped? That's right, Mr. T raps, and perhaps his most beloved rap of all-time is the stirring "Treat Your Mother Right," a rap tribute to his own mother, as well as, mothers all over the world. Mr. T gives us a lot to think about as he recounts the old days when his mother suffered over a hot oven to make sure T had food to eat or worked extra hard to keep clothes on T's back and, presumably, chains around his neck.
Most important lyrics: She's a queen, second to none/take care of mother, you only get one

4. The plight of puppets

I never really gave a second thought to the indignity puppets face every single day until I heard "Hand in my Ass" for the first time. The song provides an unflinching glimpse into a dark world of what is essentially puppet fisting. When we're putting on a puppet show for a child's birthday party or singing about Jesus with the help of some puppet friends on Sunday morning, we don't think about what were doing to a puppet's fragile psyche. Do you realize how many puppets are hand raped every day? Hundreds at least. I mean, to be fair, some puppets are just heads, so, that's not such a big deal, I guess. Regardless, I know I wouldn't want some dude's arm crammed up my butthole day in and day out. Jeff Dunham should be ashamed!
Most important lyrics: They dress me like a bitch and I can't get a date/and my only escape is to masturbate

5. Lustfulness, advertising, and probably some other stuff

Hey, Dr. Dre, who writes your raps? Oh, you write 'em yourself? Good luck with all that. YouTube MC, Nameless, gets his raps from on high, and by that I mean God, yo! He may be an ex-hustler, but he is a current-pimp, and I don't mean one of those ho-slapping pimps you see in blaxploitation flicks. Nameless is a pimp for the Lord. In this rap, Nameless discusses the deplorable sin of lust, sex in advertising, and something about God cursing the Earth. He also provides fans with tips and tricks on how to escape an empty life of skirt chasing, tree puffing, and being crunk. And, yes, it's exactly what you think it is.
Most important lyrics: Every commercial tries to sell with sex/It's like, "I'm done with you, get out my bed...NEXT!


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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Mind the Gap: A London Travelogue (Part 3)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

-I've recovered from yesterday's breakfast faux pas, and to prove there are no hard feelings, I add a ham and cheese sandwich to my plate. Jen assures me that tomorrow I will have the traditional English breakfast I so desire. Lamb kidneys here I come!
-It's 1/2 Day Excursion to Windsor Castle Day! Hooray! The ride up is a delight, with our tour guide providing interesting tales about London's complicated system of government (wacky!), Runnymede (stuff total happened there, dudes!), and the castle itself (did you know that pop music icon Elton John lives nearby?). The ride back to London will be very, very different.
-Windsor Castle is absolutely amazing! We only get an hour to wander through the various rooms. I could easily spend two hours or more. It's beautiful inside, but for some reason you are not allowed to take pictures. That doesn't stop the many Asian tourists passing through however. Oh, Asians!
-The Room Full O' Weapons is my favorite! All the swords and guns and knives and axes! It's a third grade boy's dream! Best gun: the one with the heart-shaped barrel. Best sword: the one that had a creepy, wailing man-creature carved into the hilt.
-A thought I had while touring Windsor Castle: If I were a member of the royal family, I would totally jump the velvet ropes and sit on all the thrones and couches and stuff. I'd sit at the fancy dining room table with a bag of McDonald's cheeseburgers and have loud, obnoxious cellphone conversations with my friends with my mouth full. "I'm gonna be king someday, bitch! What what!"
-Check out St. George's Chapel while the royal guards (or whatever) play the Austin Powers Theme Song for a crowd of rowdy tourists (French kids and elderly Chinese men do an awful lot of pushing, by the way.). It's awe-inspiring and full of dead people. Seriously. There are corpses buried everywhere.
-A thought I had while touring St. George's Chapel: a chapel employee kindly asked me to remove my hat and I politely complied, but what if I had looked at her and said, "I'm an atheist, so I think I'll just leave it on, thank you?" Could she have kicked me out? Would she have been able to tell that I am not actually an atheist and give me a disappointed head shake? Would I have been able to live with myself?
-Board a smaller bus for the return to London. Our driver is a surly old man with very little patience for his passengers. He fails to regale us with any London Fun Facts, but he does bellow, "These were built during the Victorian times" at some point. Nobody is really listening.
-Upon reaching London, our driver stops to pick up a family from Oklahoma who are headed to Stonehenge for the afternoon. The family consists of a mother, a father, and two daughters. Jen gives the daughters a pair of delightful nicknames: The Pretty One and The Ugly One. The girls start chatting up everybody but me and Jen. I think this is because we are sitting in the back like a couple of aloof cool kids. "It's so nice to hear some American accents," one of the girls says. Really? If being around a bunch of American accents is so important to you, why didn't you vacation somewhere in the US? The Ugly One (By the way, I do not condone this nickname--I think it's awful!) also says, "It's so nice to meet some fellow Southerners," at some point. What?! Oklahoma's not the South. As someone who lives in the South proper, I find myself slightly offended.
-Also, when we reach the city limits, our driver informs us that he will be making one stop and it will not be at the bus station where we boarded our original bus. Jen and I don't care--we've been wandering around lost the entire time we've been here and look forward to another aimless journey. For an elderly woman traveling alone, however, this is not acceptable. "I was picked up at my hotel this morning," she says, a touch of panic to her voice. "I don't do that," the bus driver says matter-of-factly. "What hotel?" She tells him. The driver proceeds to give her the most confused, unintelligible directions I've ever heard. I'll be honest: I still don't know if that lady ever made it back to her room. The Ugly One (sorry) however offers this unsolicited advice: "You can always take a cab." Ugh.
-Fish n' chips at the King's Arms Pub! And guess who likes mushy peas? If you said "me", then good for you, but I'm talking about me, Matt. Jen and I spend the first twenty minutes of our pub dining experience making fun of the family from Oklahoma and discussing why were are superior to them and all other American tourists we've encountered so far. Wow, we're assholes!
-After a quick nap at the hotel, I'm given the task of plotting our trip to the British Museum via the tube system while Jen confirms our shuttle pick-up for Saturday morning. I put together a route that should put us about a block away from the museum. I'm pretty proud of myself.
-EPIC TUBE FAIL! We wander around lost for what seems like an hour, and probably is an hour, but eventually come across signs pointing us in the right direction. (Note: Every time we get lost, it's in a new part of the city, which kinda makes getting lost a fun adventure.)
-British Museum doesn't have much British stuff in it. Should be called Shit the British Stole From Other Countries Museum. They've got a bunch of Egyptian stuff, including the Rosetta Stone. They've also got a buttload of mummies: adult mummies, kid mummies, cat mummies, fish mummies, snake mummies, foot mummies, etc. This place has got more corpses stuffed into it than St. George's Chapel. I tell Jen this would be a great location for Night at the Museum 3: Revenge of the Mummies.
-Unfortunately, we reach the museum late and a lot of the wings are closed off, including the Korean wing, which we desperately wanted to compare to the Korean wing of New York City's Museum of Natural History. Did I say Korean wing? I'm sorry, I meant crappy, depressing display case.
-Italian for dinner! I order a calzone the size of my head and eat every bite. Jen has some delicious risotto. We follow this with coffee and dessert. We've been doing this all week and it has been fabulous.
-Tonight we learn something essential to having a pleasant dining experience in London: When ordering water, you must ask for "tap water." If you just say "water," they will ask "sparkling or still?" Your first inclination will be to answer, "still," unless, of course, you desire a sparkling water. Do not order "still water." "Still water" translates to "overpriced bottled water." Ask for "tap water" and you will get exactly what you are used to getting in the States.
-I find the souvenir I want in an erotic bookstore window display: The Big Butt Book.
-Blond kid on the tube either wants to make time with me or is trying to pick my pocket. His hand is all over my ass, but I don't say anything because while he fondles me he is conducting a conversation with his sweet, elderly mother.
-Jen and I still giggle whenever we see the sign for Cockfosters.
-Back at the hotel, Jen finally shows me the Holiday Inn Pillow Menu. There are so many pillows I would've loved to experience, but, alas, there is not enough time.

TO BE CONTINUED...


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