1. Jack and Jill
What's up next for funnyman Adam Sandler? Well, if you guessed a Thanksgiving comedy in which Sandler plays the the roles of both Jack and Jack's twin sister, Jill, and the shenanigans that transpire when Jill decides to hang around her brother's house in LA, thus throwing Jack's life into a hilarious whirlwind of chaos, rather than return to her dysfunctional life in the Bronx, then you'd be right. Jack and Jill is all of those things. And, if that isn't enough, Al Pacino shows up...AS HIMSELF! Do not adjust your glasses or contact lenses, gentle reader. You read that correctly: Al Pacino plays himself in an Adam Sandler-in-drag movie. Throw space cadet Katie Holmes in as Sandler's wife and you've got a recipe for suck that should make millions upon millions of dollars. Do everyone a favor, all right? If you just read this synopsis and thought, "I like Adam Sandler and, true, while he hasn't made a funny movie in years, I'm willing to once again shell out ten bucks in the hopes that this feature will prove to be an upswing in a career I long ago gave up on but have continued to passively bankroll by continuing to purchase tickets to travesty after cinematic travesty," please, for the love of all that is still good and pure in this world, throw yourself headfirst off of the closest bridge, like the young ladies in our next film...
2. Triple Dog
Who doesn't want to watch a high school girl squat on someone's front porch and take a big, steaming dump? Oh, yeah: no one! Proving once again that even the thinnest of concepts can be made into a terrible, terrible movie, Triple Dog is essentially Truth or Dare: The Movie. Yes, the popular slumber party game in which young people dare one another to jog a lap around the cul-de-sac naked or simulate fellatio on a beloved stuffed animal (I am so very sorry, Mr. Cuddlebumps--I still feel guilty for abandoning you in the attic the next morning.), has been turned into a horror movie about high school girls shitting on things. And jumping off of bridges. And dying. Dying? Oh noes!
Anybody who has ever played the made-up-so-a-movie-could-be-made-about-it game Triple Dog knows that you don't videotape your friends doing the dares. That's how junior class presidents lose their illustrious roles in student government. As much as I don't ever want this film to enter my eyes and/or ear holes, I do want to know why Chapin got kicked out of Sacred Heart. I bet it was for forcing girls to jump off bridges into big piles of rocks by threatening to shave their heads if they didn't. Slumber parties will never be the same. Or they'll be exactly the same. I bet they'll be pretty much the same.
3. I'm Still Here
Remember when Joaquin Phoenix quit acting to become a rapper and nobody on the planet thought it was real? Then, remember when Phoenix's brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, started following him around with cameras and filming his tumultuous ride to the bottom of the rap game and still no one thought it was real or funny? Well, turns out, it was all for a movie called I'm Still Here, to which I think audiences will respond with a rapturous, "Who cares!?" Look at this thing:
Who the fuck does Joaquin Phoenix think he is? If this is a mockumentary, it doesn't seem particularly funny; and if it's a straight up serious doc (Which it can't possibly be, can it?) about one actor's voyage of self-discovery through the medium of rap music, it doesn't look particularly interesting. Or rap-filled.
4-6. Battleship/Monopoly/Candy Land
By now everyone knows that in the coming years Hollywood will be unleashing a barrage of big budget films based on popular board games of yesteryear on an extremely suspecting public. But how can Hollywood hope to make a successful movie out of a game that essentially involves two people sitting behind their own plastic briefcases with a fleet of tiny ships and a well full of white and red pegs, shouting number and letter combinations at one another? Easy. Put aliens in it (but not at the beginning, for some reason I don't understand...). And what in the world will Monopoly look like? Probably a lot like Blade Runner, as Ridley Scott is signed on to direct. And then there's Candy Land, based on probably the stupidest board game of all time, from the minds that brought you Tropic Thunder and Enchanted. Wait...WHAT? Those are legitimately good films! What the hell is going on here? Have I entered some kind of topsy-turvy world where a board game movie is considered a million dollar idea? What's next, Barrel of Monkeys: The Movie? Gator Golf: Rise of the Gators? Jenga: Battle for the Space Colonies? Or a movie based on this:
You heard the man: he wants our balls! I can't think of anything more horrifying, 'cept maybe Adam Sandler doing his Gap Girl character for two hours on the big screen. Ugh.