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Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween, gentle reader.

We've showcased some of our favorite spooky stories and bloodthirsty monsters in these weeks leading up to a holiday TV evangelist Jimmy Swaggert once called "the greatest threat to Christianity in American since the invention of evolution, though the candy part is kinda nice."* And while chilling tales of axe-wielding psychopaths waiting inside your bathroom mirror to leap out and lop your head off and the notion that somewhere in Hollywood, in a storage room on a mostly forgotten backlot, the costumes donned by dwarf actors in The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, hang lifeless and leering in a darkened prop closet, they pale in comparison to the real-life stories of horror that fill our nation's newspapers every day. I mean, probably. I don't really read the newspaper. Are there even newspapers anymore? Someone should investigate that and publish it where someone might actually see it.

This Halloween, GEP is hitting you with some of the most spine-wrenching, gut-churning, and stomach-punching true life horror stories. You thought vampires were scary, wait until you come face-to-face with the honest-to-goodness Devil! Meet a young woman who was decapitated and lived to tell the tale! Witness the cruel acts humankind levels against the animal kingdom and watch the animals respond in kind! Shudder as we recount one the most gruesome crimes of all-time! And one douchebag ruins ninjas for everybody in one horrifying act of savage violence! GEP presents...

6 Horrific Totally True Stories of Real-Life Horror: Halloween 2010 Edition

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1. The Dancing Prawn

Until very recently patrons of the Sacramento, CA eatery, Nashiki Sushi, were presented with a curious menu option that probably seemed both magical and unlikely. The dish: dancing shrimp. The idea: squeeze some lemon juice onto a barely living prawn and watch it perform a little festive dance across your dinner plate. Oh, the fun! However, it turns out that when you rip the shell off of a living shrimp and proceed to squeeze acid on it's tender fleshy bits, it hurts. Like a bitch, in fact. So, that dancing shrimp you and your children just applauded was actually writhing in pain before you chewed it to death. Thankfully, some PETA-hippies stepped in and got Dancing Shrimp removed from the menu. Yodeling Octopus however is still very much available.

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2. The Devil of Detroit Street

There is a Satan, Virginia, and
she lives in Trenton, MI. Meet Jennifer Petkov, the biggest piece of shit in the lower 48 states. When a neighbor failed to respond to a text regarding a play date in a timely fashion, Petkov took it upon herself to build a Facebook page dedicated to celebrating the inevitable death of said neighbor's terminally ill granddaughter, because that's what rational, completely sane people do. But one hateful Facebook page wasn't enough, oh no. Petkov also created a page mocking the recent death of the little girl's 24-year-old mother, featuring pictures of the dead woman in a loving embrace with the Grim Reaper. Classy move, Petkov. Petkov even wrangled her husband into the creepy festivities, encouraging him to drive his black pick-up truck, the words "DEATH MACHINE" painted on its side and a large, black coffin hanging out of the back, up and down Detroit St. blasting the horn. Recently, Petkov has apologized to the family for her past misdeeds, which include attempting to run over a third neighbor with her car, but that didn't stop the state from taking her two children away. If there is a Hell, Jennifer Petkov has earned herself a very special place there.

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3. Ninja Robbers

How cool are ninjas? I've been a ninja fan since I was but a lad. Nintendo ones; handsome, sarcastic ones on a mission to kill monsters; pizza-eating mutant turtle ones--I loved 'em all. Then Leonard Patrick Gonzalez Jr. had to come along and ruin ninjas for everyone. On July 9, 2009, Gonzalez led a team of home invaders dressed as ninjas into the home of Byrd and Melanie Billings, a Florida couple with nine adopted special needs children who were all in the house when their parents were viciously shot to death, emphasis on the vicious. After shooting Byrd once in each leg, Gonzalez dragged the man into the master bedroom and shot him three more times in the head. Melanie was shot in the chest and head before Gonzalez and his crew of gun-toting ninjas stole away into the night, quite unlike the stealthy warriors they were portraying as their get away vehicle was Gonzalez's big red van. Gonzalez was sentenced to death this week. Will someone tell him ninjas don't use guns.

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4. Chimp Attack

In February of '09 Americans learned a valuable lesson that we all probably should've been privy to already:
chimpanzees do NOT make appropriate pets. Sure, when they're babies they're cute and cuddly and fun to dress up in stupid costumes, but when they become sexually mature, they lose their little monkey minds. I believe the technical term is "to go ape-shit." Charla Nash learned this the hard way when she was attacked and mauled by her friend's chimpanzee pal, Travis. The crazed chimp made pudding of Nash's face before cops arrived on the scene and shot Travis to death. It should be noted, however, that before police intervention, Nash's monkey-loving friend, Sandra Herold, both stabbed and bludgeoned her beloved pet to no avail. In fact, Travis did not die at the actual scene of the crime, but, rather, crawled back to his home of 14 years and dropped dead there, full of bullets and lady face. Nash's family later sued Herold for a whopping 50-million dollars, and although Herold passed away earlier this year, the Nash family sees no reason to drop the lawsuit. Nash herself famously appeared on Oprah sans eyelids, lips, hands, and nose to discuss the attack, but I wouldn't recommend watching it. Seriously. Don't.

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5. The Hangman Fracture

Horses, unlike 14-year-old chimps, are gentle creatures. This doesn't mean they can't eff someone up from time to time. Take Thea Maxfield, for instance. One afternoon while riding a recently acquired mare, she was thrown from the saddle onto her head. Thinking nothing of it, Maxfield pushed herself off the ground and went about her business, or she would have if her HEAD HADN'T REMAINED ON THE GROUND! Yes, Thea Maxfield had experienced something know as a 'hangman fracture,' or, simply put, she had decapitated herself. Sort of. Rather than wait for a passerby, Maxfield picked up her head (brrrrrr), walked a few paces, and collapsed. Miraculously, Maxfield survived the horrific event and is back to riding her beloved horses. Good for you, Thea.

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6. Sylvia Likens

The tragic tale of Sylvia Likens is too long to recount on the pages of GEP, but ever since I first read it--I was going through a true crime phase at the time--I haven't been able shake the dread. You can read the full story of Likens and her abuse at the hands of the twisted Gertrude Baniszewski and her hellspawn here, but I warn you, it is not for the faint of heart.

* I don't have any proof that Jimmy Swaggert said any such thing. He probably did though.


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Thursday, October 28, 2010

The 11 Most Horrifying Monsters of All Time

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1. Cthulu

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2. The Rancor

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3. Sharktopus

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4. The Balrog

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5. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

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6. Sharktobearopus

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7. Stupid, Stupid Rat Creatures

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8. The Cloverfield Monster

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9. Spike, a gremlin

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10. The Blob

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11. Messy Tessie

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Monday, October 25, 2010

The 4 Creepiest Urban Legends Ever

Who doesn't love a good urban legend? They are the stories we've all heard secondhand from somebody one time or another and would swear were totally true if questioned in a court of law. "Of course a babysitter high on LSD cooked and ate a human baby. It happened to my cousin's best friend's sister-in-law. Seems perfectly reasonable to me."

As you get older though, you figure out that no one is dumping snakes into the Playland ball pit, leaving HIV-infected needles on movie theater seats, or waking up in bathtubs full of ice with their kidneys missing. It's all bullshit, but it's fun and a great way to scare wussy kids, wussy kids like me. Yep, it may surprise you to hear it, but when I was a young man, I was a notorious puss, in fact, one of the urban legends showcased in tonight's feature stuck with me for a large portion of my life, making it virtually impossible for me to take a candle lit bowel movement for years, and as we all know, there is nothing more beautiful than taking a satisfying shit in a dimly lit bathroom. Anyway, here are four urban legends that have always creeped me out. Hope your bladder's empty.

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1. Bloody Mary

The first time I heard the story of Bloody Mary, I was hopped up on five cans of Coca-Cola. I was already shuddering uncontrollably when a friend recounted the tale of two girls at a slumber party who entered a darkened bathroom and performed the appropriate ritual to make Bloody Mary appear. The girls spun around in a circle--I've since learned that this is a detail specific to where I grew up--while repeating "Bloody Mary" the requisite ten times, until the blood-drenched specter of an axe-wielding old woman appeared in the mirror before them. They were scared, sure, but this was just a party game, a lark, the old crone in the mirror couldn't physically hurt them. Or could she? According to my friend, she could, in fact, Bloody Mary decided to step out from the mirror and mix things up a little. The two friends, after probably shitting their pants, scrambled for the door, but found that it was jammed. A third friend heard their shouts and pulled open the door and Bloody Mary exploded in a plume of smoke. Everyone else at the slumber party was shocked to find that the two friends, whose pajama bottoms were more than likely filled to their elastic brims with liquid feces, now sported hair of the purest white. I don't know what happened to them after that. I think I may have slipped into a Coke coma.

The story of Bloody Mary and the two white-haired girls with shitty pants stuck with me for a long time. I'm still not especially fond of being around mirrors in a dark room. I've also stopped going to slumber parties. Unless there's gonna be Cheetos. I love Cheetos.


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2. The Smith Sisters

The following is absolute, fantastical garbage, but the first time I read it, which was, in fact, last week, I found myself so utterly freaked out, I had to turn off my computer, run up to my bedroom, and hunker down next to my peacefully sleeping wife to keep from sobbing with terror all night long. I'm only sort of kidding. Here's the
story:

[girl meets a boy on her yahoo messenger]

crazy1 86:”hey baby!!!”
h0tNsPiCy91:”who’s this???”
crazy1 86:”ur secret admirer!!!!!
h0tNsPiCy91:”o really….?quit lyin..who is this?”
crazy1 86:”i loved u the first time a stared in your eyes…”
crazy1 86:”i think about u everyday… you are my dream come true.”
crazy1 86:”we met once! I don’t think u remember tho.”
crazy1 86:”I cut myself because the pain takes away my feelings of u.”
crazy1 86:”tonight u will see me some time tonight….”
h0tNsPiCy91:”..WHO IS THIS!?!?!?”
crazy1 86:”dont worry…. ill take very good care of you…”
crazy1 86 had signed off

The girl was so scared she locked all her doors and windows. she made sure her room was secured. she was so scared if it was a joke or for real. she didnt know when he was going to come. the girl was frighten so she decided to sleep with her little sister.

The girl dozed off quickly. then she heard a knock on the window, the girl slowly walked to the window. it started knocking louder.The girl looked through the windows and saw nothing. just some of the tree branches.The girl went back to bed with her sister.

The bed was wet and a pretty smells horrid. maybe her sister wet the bed… the girl checked and found blood everywhere. the girl panicked. she didn’t know what to do. she ran and hide in the closet incase the guy was still there for her. while looking through the cracks of the closet the girl saw a shadow.

It was dark so she couldn’t figure out who it was. she started to get more frighten. the man crept closer to the closet. the girl closed her eyes as if it was a dream. then suddenly, he opened the closet door and pulled her out. her parents found her dead. she was skinned all the way and was hung in her sister’s closet..

PART 2…

2 years after the the sisters deaths, her parents got pregnant with a baby boy the girls room became a guest bedroom and the little sisters room where the murder took place became the baby’s room.The baby grew up to be a sucessful kid. one night he was on the computer and got a instant message.

h0tNsPiCy91:”hey lil bro!!!”
2seXay4u: “who is this?”
h0tNsPiCy91:”its your big sis.”
2seXay4u:”I never had a sister. I’m an only child.
2seXay4u:”this is some kinda joke huh?”
h0tNsPiCy91:”mom and dad never told you?”
h0tNsPiCy91:”I died 15 years ago with your other older sister.”
h0tNsPiCy91:” we were murdered in your room which was once my little sisters room . she was
killed in bed when i was sleeping and I was killed in the closet and skinned to
death.”
2seXay4u:”quit lying. I never had a sister and if I did my parents would tell me.”
h0tNsPiCy91:”you don’t believe me? well if you wanna look in your closet floor.”
hOtNsPiCy91:”I carved my name,time and date I was murdered along with my sister’s name.”
hOtNsPiCy91:”If you don’t beleive me little brother check the internet type in ‘’smith sisters
murdered anonymously”.”
h0tNsPiCy91:”I g2g little brother. I love you and mom and dad so much. I cant believe they
kept us a secret from you.They should burn in hell.”

Later the boy checked the closet and saw the carvings.Was it true?He surfed the internet and everything was there about the anonymous murder in.The next morning the boy went downstairs, it was very quiet. Maybe mom and dad were still asleep he thought.

Hours later….the boy found his parents in their closets skinned and hung. Then he found more carvings which says:

” I TOLD YOU I WASNT LYING. LITLE BROTHER, I LOVED MOM AND DAD…. BUT THEY KEPT ME A SECRET. I CANT BELIEVE IT. WELL I’M FREE FROM THIS COLD WORLD. I WONT HURT YOU LIKE HOW THEY DIED I LOVE YOU ……LISA SMITH”


Make it go away! Make it go away!!

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3. The Clown Statue

So, imagine you're a babysitter--sexy or otherwise--and you're doing whatever it is you do (playing Hi Ho! Cherry-O, thumbing through your neighbors video collection in search of porn, polishing off a bag of Oreos, etc.) and everything is just fine. Well, not entirely fine. There is this weird, life-sized clown statue kind of just chilling out in the front room, but your charges don't seemed concerned, so you just figure your neighbors are collectors of creepy clown memorabilia and you go about your business. After putting the kids to bed, you receive a phone call from your neighbor asking how everything is going and you're all like, "Everything's cool. We played Hi Ho! Cherry-O and stuff, watched Family Matters. Oh, but do you mind if I throw a blanket or something over that clown statue in the living room? It's kind of creeping me out" and your neighbor says, "Clown statue? We don't have a clown statue in our living room."

Oh. Crap. It's not a clown statue. It's a psycho killer in a clown costume and he wants to murder you. If only you weren't so sexy, dammit!

Ponder the "Clown Statue" urban legend for more than a second and the whole thing starts to unravel.

One, who owns a life-sized clown statue? Maybe the owner of a costume shop, but would anyone really decorated their home with one? I don't think so.

Two, why don't the kids say anything? A life-sized clown suddenly shows up out of nowhere and they don't think to mention it? The story never specifies whether or not the kids are blind, so maybe that's the case. 2009's Amusement, which uses the "Clown Statue" legend for one of it's segments, offers a supremely lame explanation for why the kids aren't in the least freaked out by the sudden appearance of a life-sized clown statue: they know it's really a guy, but he told them he just wants to play games and have fun. Ugh.

And three, who asks to throw a blanket over something creepy? You just do it.

While the "Clown Statue" urban legend upon closer inspection reveals itself to be unequivocal bullshit, it remains ball-tighteningly scary nonethless.


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4. The Dover Demon

What was the Dover Demon? Was it an alien visitor from beyond the stars? An interdimensional tourist? A baby moose? Or was it simply a hoax perpetrated by some local teens? It was probably the teens. Damn teens and their stupid hoaxes!

Part of me wants to believe that it was a yet-to-be-discovered monster of some kind though. I've been a fan of the Dover Demon since I first read about him (or her) in elementary school. The idea of a secret creature hanging out somewhere in the New England area filled me with both excitement and dread. I've never been a Bigfoot guy or a Nessie fan. For me, the Dover Demon is tops in the cryptid kingdom.

We may never know the true identity of the Dover Demon, but if he (or she) turns out to be nothing but a baby moose, I'm fine with it. Those bastards are adorable. Read the rest of this article.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Pillows and pets are now one...



Just try to get the Pillow Pets jingle out of your head. You will fail! You're welcome. BWA-HAHAHAHA!


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Friday, October 22, 2010

Food Porn Friday: The World's Biggest Enchilada

Check out the full story here. The good citizens of Iztapalapa have a lot to be proud of. I wonder if there's any left? Read the rest of this article.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Anatomy of an Anthology (#2): Tales from the Hood

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Sometime in the early 90's, filmmaker Spike Lee asked himself, possibly aloud, "Why should white folks get all the mediocre horror anthology movies? What, black people don't enjoy a good scare now and again?" And so began the process of bringing 1995's Tales from the Hood to the silver screen. I mean, probably.

Tales from the Hood has the distinction of being the first horror anthology film made for a predominantly African-American audience, as well as, being one of the only horror anthology films to not be completely terrible. That's not to say the movie is without flaws, but overall, its combination of humor, scares, and gore is a winning one.

Opening

Tales opens with three street toughs--Stack, Ball, and Bulldog respectively--paying a visit to a creepy, inner city funeral home to retrieve a cache of drugs, or "shit" in street language, that has been discovered and collected by Mr. Simms, the gap-toothed, wishing troll-haired owner of the aforementioned mortuary. Rather than get right to the drug exchange, Simms gives the three young men a tour of the facilities, recounting stories of a horrific nature along the way.

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Rogue Cop Revelation

Mr. Simm's first tale of terror concerns a rookie cop, Clarence, who witnesses the vicious beating of local city councilman and beloved activist, Martin Moorehouse. Moorehouse is convinced that the local police are responsible for the rising drug problem in his community (SPOILER ALERT: They totes are) and it is for this reason that Clarence's (white) co-workers beat Moorehouse senseless, pump him full of heroin, and push his car off of a pier. Clarence quits the force, but keeps the murder and the resulting cover-up a secret.

We rejoin Clarence, now an alcoholic living in a filthy, trash-strewn apartment, on the night of the 1-year anniversary of Moorehouse's murder. Clarence hears a voice, a ghostly voice, the ghostly voice of Martin Moorehouse to be exact, instructing him to "Bring them to me!" Clarence acquiesces and invites his former co-workers out to the graveyard to pay their respects. The cops--pretty much your stereotypical white racist movie cops--go along with their former comrade's drunken wishes, quietly agreeing to pop Clarence in the back of the head once they reach the grave site. The reanimated corpse of Martin Moorehouse has other plans. The first cop gets his junk smushed, his skull busted open on a gravestone, and his still beating heart ripped from his rib cage; the second's head gets twisted off like a bottle cap; and the third is crucified to a mural with a swarm of spent hypodermic needles (This third cop also kinda melts or whatever and becomes part of the mural, but that was dumb, so let's just forget it happened.). Having finished off the three officers responsible for his murder, Moorehouse turns on Clarence, strangling him and asking, "Where were you when I needed you, brother?" In the end, Clarence is arrested for the multiple murders and spends the rest of his life in a padded cell.

"Rogue Cop Revelation" sets a fairly creepy tone and introduces viewers to what will be the film's primary antagonist: white people.

Grade: B-

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Boys Do Get Bruised

I like David Alan Grier. I think he's hilarious. I thought Chocolate News was pretty great. What happened to that show? Was it cancelled? Probably. You know how The Man is. No, but seriously, I like DAG, even in the Paul Shore vehicle In the Army Now. I think we can all agree he was the best part, right? Remember when he's freaking out because he thinks there is a scorpion on his back and Pauly Shore tells him that there is not a scorpion on his back and then there really is a scorpion on his back? Comedy gold.

In "Boys Do Get Bruised" we get to see a different side of DAG, a side that I, quite frankly, never want to see again. Grier plays the violent stepfather of a special little boy named Walter. Walt is "special" in the sense that he possesses "special powers," special "drawing powers." Ooooh! For instance, Walter draws a picture of a boy who's been bullying him at school and promptly crumples said drawing up when he is finished. Simultaneously, in another part of the school, the bully suffers an attack of EVERY BONE IN HIS EFFING BODY BEING BROKEN AT ONCE!

Anyway, Walter keeps coming to school with bruises and black eyes, and when asked by his hippie teacher, Mr. Garvey, who is causing these marks, Walter answers sadly, "The monster did it." Walter even draws a picture of the monster--slime green with horns, blazing red eyes, and a gaping mouth rimmed with razor-sharp teeth. Garvey pays Walter's mom a visit one evening, but is quickly shuffled out when step-dad gets home. We then find out what we've probably all figured out the first time Walter mentions to his teacher that his birth father is dead: Walter's stepfather is the monster. Garvey rushes back into the house just in time to have his ass beat by funnyman David Alan Grier. In fact, DAG gives everyone--Walter, Garvey, Walter's mom--a serious ass whipping before Walter remembers his special powers. Oh, enough of my rambling, let's just watch it together (the action really kicks in around 5:17)



Yeah, that probably isn't too safe for work. Should of hit y'all with a NSFW. Hey, after you pack up your desk and take that long lonely drive home, why not come back for the rest of the article. See you then.

One quibble with "Boys Do Get Bruised": This particular tale doesn't seem to come from "the hood" per se. I sense some false advertising?

Grade: B+

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KKK Comeuppance

Finally, something from the killer doll genre. In "KKK Comeuppance," TV lawyer Corbin Bernsen plays David Duke, I mean, Duke Metzger, a former member of Klu Klux Klan running for political office in the American South. Metzger has made a cursed plantation house his home/base of operations, a move that the locals don't take kindly too, especially one toothless old man who repeatedly demands that Metzger find different digs. "They don't want you there," he shouts, all toothless and old.

"They" in this case are the souls of hundreds of slaves slain by their master at the close of the American Civil War. Rather than face a life of slave-lessness, the plantation owner has all of his slaves killed and dumped into a mass grave. After his death, a voodoo priestess moves in and fashions hundreds of crude slave dolls for the disembodied souls to inhabit. She hides these dolls somewhere in the house (SPOILER ALERT: THEY'RE IN THE MURAL! FOR GOD'S SAKE STAY AWAY FROM THE MURAL. Damn, this movie's got a lot of scary murals, right?)

Anyway, Metzger's non-stop barrage of racist comments incite a doll riot one evening that results in American TV's Corbin Bernsen being eaten alive. Stupid racist asshole.

Grade: C +

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Hard-Core Convert

Story #4 plays like an urban version of A Clockwork Orange-meets-"An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge." It acts as a time killer more than anything else. Plus, do we really need all those strobe effects? Kudos for cramming in one more racist white guy though. I didn't really care for this one. The tragic saga of Crazy K didn't really speak to me. Some of it did actually happen in "the hood" though. That's a plus, I guess.

Grade: D

Closing

Remember our buddies Stack, Ball, and Bulldog? Well, they've listened to Mr. Simms' tales of horror and now they're pissed. They want their shit. So, Simms takes them down to the basement where the shit is, presumably. Only the shit ain't there. There are three fancy new coffins in which Simms says he has hidden the shit, but the shit is sooooo not in there dudes. You know what is in the coffins? Wanna guess? It should go without saying but...SPOILER ALERT!!!

STACK, BALL, AND BULLDOG ARE IN THE COFFINS! And Mr. Simms' place is not a funeral home: IT'S HELL! And Mr. Simms is not just an eccentric old mortician with comical hair: HE'S THE DEVIL. OH, THE TWISTS! THE TWISTS!

Read the rest of this article.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Anatomy of an Anthology (#1): Creepshow

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Why watch one quality film when you could watch several mediocre short films tenuously linked together? The anthology film turns this beautiful fantasy I've just described into a glorious reality, and from now until Halloween (i.e. "The Devil's Bar Mitzvah"), GEP will be taking a gander at a few of the scarier horror anthologies out there (i.e. whatever was available for instant viewing at Netflix). We'll examine these anthology films story by story to determine whether or not the whole is better than the sum of its parts, though I'm pretty sure we all know that the answer is no. No, anthology movies, I'm afraid, are simply terrible. So, let's have fun tearing them apart, shall we?

Our first film comes from the supergroup team-up of zombie-aficionado, George A. Romero, and popular fictionist, Stephen King, and was inspired by the horror comics of yore (Tales from the Crypt, The Vault of Horror, Tales to Scare Your Balls Off). The film is Creepshow. The results are, well, kinda meh.

Prologue

The film opens with a young boy being lambasted by his stern father (a tragically un-mustachioed Tom Atkins) for filling his impressionable young mind with gory horror comic dreck. The young man responds in the most rational way possible: he invites his father to burn in Hell. Kids really do say the darndest things, don't they?

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Father's Day

King's first tale of the macabre introduces a concept that, I must admit, is quite foreign to me and, as a result, I was completely taken out of the movie, and that is the idea of a Father's Day cake. Perhaps this doesn't bother you, but I couldn't (and can't) get over it. Cakes are associated with birthdays, anniversaries, and retirement parties. We never baked our mom a special Mother's Day cake, we made her blueberry muffins and served them to her in bed like any other red-blooded American. Do you bring cakes to a funeral? Maybe you should, I mean, it might be appreciated, but you don't. Christmas cakes, Halloween cakes, Thanksgiving cakes, Easter cakes: these cakes don't exist! But, OK, so the father in "Father's Day" likes cake on Father's Day. Fine. Unfortunately, the aforementioned father in this particular story is long dead, murdered by his long-suffering daughter, denied cake for all eternity.

Anyway, as you've probably guessed already (Or maybe you haven't. Now that I think about it, how would anyone every guess what happens in this ridiculous story.), the allure of cake is too much to keep Pappy in the grave, so he pulls himself out of his grave, kills the remaining members of his extended family, and turns one of their heads into a Father's Day cake. Oh, yeah, the rotting zombie guy PUTS CANDLES ON HIS CAKE! Ugh...

Grade: D

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The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill

There is nothing even remotely charming about Story #2. It is ugly, joyless, depressing, and pointless. Stephen King himself plays a slack-jawed yokel who discovers a meteor full of goop in his front yard. As the night progresses, green space mold begins to sprout all over Jordy's body, eventually leading him to cram the business end of a shot gun down his throat and pull the trigger, ending his poor, lonely existence for our enjoyment, I guess? Thumbs down, Stephen.

Grade: F

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Something to Tide You Over

Filmlet #3 is a bit of an improvement, but only because the psycho killer of the piece is portrayed by none other than Mr. Leslie Nielsen. When Nielsen discovers that his lady is rocking the sheets with Ted Danson, he buries the lovers neck deep in sand along his private beach, the idea being that when the tide comes in, the lovers will drown. It's a fiendish plot worthy of the most classic of classic horror comics. Unfortunately, there is a second act in which, well, remember "Father's Day?" Not the holiday, but the first story? Yeah, pretty much the same thing happens again, this time without cake. Waterlogged zombie versions of Danson and his chippy break into Nielsen's palatial estate and drag him to the beach for a little revenge.

Grade: C+

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The Crate

By this point in the film, I wish I could tell you things get better, but they don't, not yet. "The Crate" is more ho-hum mediocrity. A janitor finds a mysterious crate under some stairs in the basement of a university's science building. The custodial engineer and the head of some department or other lug the wooden box into one of the classrooms and crack it open to find a slobbering, knife-fanged beastie with an insatiable blood lust inside. The janitor is promptly eviscerated and the professor runs to friend's house, losing his mind somewhere along the way.

The friend is our "hero," Henry, an unassuming college professor with an obnoxious harpy for a wife. After listening to his friend's rambling story, Henry decides that a man-eating monster-in-a-box is the perfect solution to his Annoying Wife Problem. So, Henry heads over to campus, cleans up all the janitor blood, finds the crate back under the stairs (?), and makes up a story to get his wife to meet him in the basement. She shows up, he shoves her under the stairs, and the creature eats her. That's it. That's literally the whole thing. Oh, brudder.

Grade: C

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They're Creeping Up on You

My favorite tale, ironically, is filled to the brim with thousands of somethings I hate almost more than anything that has ever been or ever will be: cockroaches. I can't stand 'em, dudes. Sorry to any of my readers who are big cockroach fans, but I can't stomach them. Maybe that's why I found "They're Creeping Up on You" to be the scariest story in the bunch, though, let's be honest, that's not a very impressive feat considering what's come before.

Upson Pratt lives in a futuristic penthouse apartment. Everything is painted white, everything is spotlessly clean. In fact, Pratt is obsessed with cleanliness, and when a single cockroach pokes it's ugly, demonic head into Pratt's sterile little world, the old man pretty much loses his mind. But one cockroach is not enough, oh no. Romero invites thousands of roaches to the party. The grand finale of this story is not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach.

Like the rest of its Creepshow brethren, "They're Creeping Up on You" is mostly pointless, but the six-legged co-stars make it a cringe-worthy delight to watch.

Grade: B+

Epilogue

In the Epilogue, the little snot-nosed jerk from Prologue tortures a voodoo doll resembling his father, totally ruining Tom Atkins's breakfast. Sheesh! What a brat!


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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The 7 Hottest 'Final Girls' Ever

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1. Carly Jones (Elisha Cuthbert, House of Wax)

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2. Julie James (Jennifer Love Hewitt, I Know What You Did Last Summer & I Still Know What You Did Last Summer)

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3. Samantha (Jocelin Donahue, House of the Devil)

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4. Amy Fox (Kate Beckinsale, Vacancy)

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5. Kristen McKay (Liv Tyler, The Strangers)

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6. Amy (Jena Malone, The Ruins)

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7. Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell, Scream 1-4)

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Wednesday Morning Music: Miley Cyrus -"Who Owns My Heart"



No, you're not watching a high-end soft core pornographic film, but rather the latest video from America's sweetheart, Miley Cyrus. Some "stuffed shirts" are apparently sickened by Miley's latest display: the bed writhing, the limo lounging, the unisex dance floor grinding--disgusting! I think people are missing the most important issue in regards to "Who Owns My Heart": it's not a particularly good song. I've been a Miley defender in the past--and I'm not going to change my tune just because I've lost interest in her career--but even I cannot stand by this boring, awful song. "Who owns my heart?/Is it love or is it art?" What do those lyrics even mean? Is Cyrus, or rather Cyrus's song writing team, trying to equate Miley's musical output as "art" now? C'mon! Miley Cyrus songs are sugary trifles; pleasant pop with a beat you can't help tapping your foot to no matter how hard you try to stop; the musical equivalent of eating a cupcake while riding a rainbow-farting unicorn. I don't go to Hannah Montana for art. I go for a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper come to life.

So, in the end, who is it that truly owns Miley's heart? I'll tell you one thing that clearly doesn't: pants.

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Sunday, October 10, 2010

The 5 Best Vampires Ever

I know it's been killing you, faithful reader, but GEP is finally ready to unveil our special Halloween-centric feature for October 2010. In 2008, we relentlessly bombarded you for 31 days straight with the most terrifying, blood-curdling horror movies ever made (and Haunts). Last year some of you joined me for the first ever 24-Hours of Horror, in which I, Matt Lawson, live-blogged from 12 AM to 12 PM while watching a wide variety of fright films, from the "mostly shitty" to the "barely tolerable," pausing only for bathroom breaks, free Taco Bell tacos, and required "check-ins" with the wife to prove that my sanity was still intact.

So, what now? What fiendish terror have I chosen to unleash on you, the loyal readers of the Giant Electric Penguin family of blogs? Well, as you've probably already guessed from the title of this post, it's lists. Yes, a series of horror-related lists is literally all I could come up with. It's too late to do another 31 days of horror flicks and I have no intention of staying up for 24 hours straight watching Chucky movies ever again, so, you know, lists. But, I promise, these spine-chilling lists will push you to the very brink of horrified insanity. These lists--these blood-drenched, slime-covered, boogery lists--will keep you awake all night long, possibly with a full load of poop in your freshly laundered pajama bottoms. Yeah, that's how scary stuff is gonna get this October.

The 5 Best Vampires Ever

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1. Severen (Near Dark): Severen never comes right out and identifies as a vampire, but all the factors are present: the cocksure attitude, the lackadaisical stance on the wholesale slaughter of the human race, the need to consume human blood to survive, the tendency to burst into flames when in the vicinity of sunlight, the leather jacket, etc.. Severen does not represent the stuffy vampires of yore, but, rather, a new breed, a vampire that not only takes great delight in bringing death upon the human cattle he feeds off of, but brings a creative flair to the actual killing. Severen doesn't need to sparkle or "glamour" a potential victim. All he needs is a half empty redneck bar, a sharp knife, and a couple of one-liners. In fact, if Severen had the extreme displeasure of observing some smooth-chested, pretty boy emo vamp use his magical sparkle powers to lure a teenage girl into a monogamous relationship built on trust and respect, he'd probably kick that dude's pale pussy ass.

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2. Satanico Pandemonium (From Dusk Till Dawn): Listen, I'm not going to willingly offer my jugular to just anyone. She's got to at least look like Satanico Pandemonium. I don't think that's asking too much, is it? (I might be OK with
Jessica Hamby too).

In fact, let's watch Ms. Pandemonium in action, shall we? We'll meet back here in a few minutes.



Right?

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3. Eric Northman (True Blood): Eric "The Vampiric Viking" Northman is not only light years more interesting than Bill Compton--recently voted "America's Mopiest Vampire With a Bad Southern Accent" by me--the current beau of True Blood's primary protagonist, the Southern-fried, frequently naked, bar-n-grill waitress with psychic fairy powers (no, really), Sookie Stackhouse, but he is also so unfathomably attractive, that straight men all over this great nation have been prompted to reevaluate the sexuality they have been accustomed to for the bulk of their lives, including, most recently, Hollywood director/podcast impresario, Kevin Smith, on the popular program Hollywood Babble On. I can't really get into what sex acts Smith proposes performing on Mr. Northman, as this is a family blog, but I will say that it involves "oral manipulation of Northman's wee-wee." Take that as you will. Dude is hot though. And he's always banging Eastern European strippers and stuff.

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4. Eli (Let the Right One In): Vampires aren't all about blood-drinking and gay sex though. Sometimes a vampire can be instrumental in helping awkward young people "come of age," as they say. Take the relationship between Eli and Oskar in Let the Right One In, one of my favorite films of the last ten years. Eli boosts Oskar's confidence just by hanging around him. She encourages him to fight back against the bullies that make his day-to-day existence a Swedish living Hell. Who wouldn't want a friend like Eli? She can fly presumably. She has super speed and strength. She has no problem ripping your schoolyard tormentors
limb from bloody eviscerated limb. I would've loved to have had a friend like Eli back when I was a small, toeheaded, Swedish weakling. (WARNING: That link will take you to one of the most remarkable scenes in, well, any movie really, but I really do think you should experience the film as a whole. If you have no intention of ever doing so however, but you do, in fact, dig vampires, click away. Maybe it'll inspire you to check Let the Right One In out.)

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5. Jerry Dandrige (Fright Night): Jerry spends most of Fright Night resembling a suave and handsome, yet kinda douchey, playboy. Sure, he's behind a series of unsolved hooker murders, but he's so damn charming, you kind of just want to let him get away with it. Of course, Jerry's human face is merely a facade. He's actually a vampire. And not just your run-of-the-mill baseball-playing vampire. No, sir or m'am. Jerry is the kind of vampire that can turn into a bat. Or a wolf. Or, like, a weird red-eyed ghoul thingy with long fingers and hooked talons. Anyway, he's hard to kill and that makes him a vampire of note.

Perhaps the most impressive feat Jerry Dandrige pulls off: seducing confirmed lesbian Amanda Bearse. Now that's glamouring.

Who are your favorite vampires? Let us know in the comments section and we promise to pretend we're interested.



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