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Friday, December 31, 2010

100 Songs I Love: 95-100

95. "Super Mario Bros. Main Theme" (Koji Kondo)

Immediately whisks me back to the Christmas morning I unwrapped by Nintendo Entertainment System and came face-to-face with this chubby Italian plumber and his identical, green-clad brother for the first time. An unmitigated classic!

96. "Take Me Home" (Phil Collins)

If I didn't lose you when I included Extreme and ABBA on this list, I may lose you now. Guess what? I don't care. 100 Songs I Love is not about proving to the thousands of people who visit this site on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times throughout the day, how hip and cool I am. No! It is about sharing with you, my friends and loyal readers, the music that means so much to me, and, yeah, Phil Collins has written some of that music. If that makes me lame, then call me Lamerick Von Lameypants the Third. But not to my face please. I'm a very sensitive man.

97. "Story of An Artist" (Daniel Johnston)

A simple, yet beautiful, song written and performed by a true American original. If you're not familiar with the music of Daniel Johnston, familiarize yourself. Now.

98. "Definition" (Black Star)

I'm fairly certain there has never been, nor will there ever be, a hip-hop team-up as electrifying as Mos Def and Talib Kweli of Black Star. If I'm wrong, feel free to let me know, but I don't expect many arguments.

99. "Everyday Is Like Sunday" (Morrissey)

My favorite Morrissey song. There you go.

Remember when...: This song--well, a tiny part of this song anyway--was used in commercials for the NFL some time ago. I remember thinking it was weird, but as a huge fan of both Morrissey and American football, I kinda dug it.

100. "Baba O'Riley" (The Who)

When asked in the past--either by random strangers, bosom buddies or Facebook surveys of ill repute--what my #1 favorite song of all time is, I've usually responded with a, "What? You want me to pick one song of the millions upon millions that have been written since the dawn of man and deem it my very favorite? What are you, some kind of brain-fevered fool?" to which they've answered, usually through a veil of tears, "I just...sob...wanted to know...sob, sob...what kind of music...sob, sob, didn't...sob...have so mean...sob, sob, HONK!*" to which I finally answer, "Oh. I love "Baba O'Riley by The Who. If I had to pick a favorite tune, that's probably it. Have you tried the spinach dip? It's pretty great?**" So, any list of songs I love would be wholly incomplete if I failed to include this anthem to fieldwork or teenagers or whatever the hell they're talking about. It rocks!

Well, there they were, 100 songs that I love. Of course, hundreds of songs didn't make the list, but that doesn't mean I don't love them in a way. I could probably keep this up, if I wanted to, and I kind of do, so, I think 100 Songs I Love is going to become a regular feature, one that, I think, is destined for greatness and then, inevitably, destined to be ignored by me and dropped for an indefinite amount of time (see What the WTF?!!, Sunday Bloody Sunday, 5 Lamest..., Stop Already, etc). But, hey, it'll be fun while it lasts.

Also, starting next year (i.e. any time after tomorrow), GEP will bring you it's next list of 100 somethings that I, your humble editor-and-chief, Matt Lawson, loves. Who knows what it might be? I do. It'll be the 100 Characters I Love. How's that for build up? You're right, it was terrible. Anyway, 100 Characters I Love starts in 2011 along with new features and a brand-spanking new podcast (!!!!!!!!!!) that will stick around longer than the other ones. Promise.

Visit every day. Comment often. Tell your friends. See you in 2011.

*Said questioner is blowing his/her nose, hence the "HONK!"

**This usually happens when I am at some kind of friendly get-together, like a house warming party or a church potluck dinner.
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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Best of 2010: Matt Edition

Ugh. 2010 was rough, right? All those celebrities I've actually heard of died. There was that whole "Miley Cyrus bong" incident. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson separated (Say it isn't so, Ryscar!). See, rough. Or maybe I just let celebrity culture affect me too darn much. It's probably that.

Actually, 2010 was pretty all right. I celebrated three years of marriage to my beautiful wife by stuffing my face with fancy barbecue pork ribs; I watched my niece, Dakota, methodically punch a homemade birthday cake in the guts for ten straight minutes at her first birthday party; and I attended a wedding reception in a real-life aquarium with sharks and everything! There was a bunch of other crap too, but I'm too pumped for 2011 to start to remember any of it now. I will, though, because you asked for it maybe, count down some of my favorite things from the past year, starting with...

My Favorite Album(s) of 2010: (tie) The Brutalist Bricks by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists & Shut Up, Dude/Sit Down, Man by Das Racist

Highlights include: "Bottled in Cork"; "Where Was My Brain?"; "Even Heroes Have to Die"; "The Mighty Sparrow"; "Ativan Eyes"

Highlights include: "Who's That? Brooown!"; "Rainbow in the Dark"; "Shorty Said"; "hahahaha jk?"; "puerto rican cousins" "sit down, man"

Even more 2010 favorites: Crystal Castles II (Crystal Castles); Majesty Shredding (Superchunk); Astro Coast (Surfer Blood); Contra (Vampire Weekend); The Drums (The Drums)

My Favorite Film of 2010: Scott Pilgrim VS. The World


I'm waiting until Oscar time to reveal my Top 10 list, but only because I didn't really get a chance to catch that many new movies this year. I'm sorry. Please don't be sore at me.

Films that will more likely than not make my 2010 Top 10 list: Winter's Bone; Exit Through the Gift Shop; Toy Story 3; Fair Game

My Favorite New Television Program of 2010: Boardwalk Empire
Solid storytelling, engaging characters, and so many boobs.

Other new favorites: The Walking Dead

Old favorites still being all great and stuff: Gossip Girl; How I Met Your Mother; It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia; American Dad; Community; 30 Rock

My Favorite Video Game of 2010: Epic Mickey
I'm not really a "gamer," per se, so when I find a video game that captures my attention as spectacularly as Epic Mickey did this year, I take notice. Beautiful to look at and endlessly fun to play. And, best of all, it is actually beatable. It took me 18 hours. I'm sure that would be considered an "epic fail" in the hardcore gaming world. Buncha nerds.

My Favorite Food Discovery of 2010: Fried Chicken and Waffles
It seems so natural and obvious. I'm sorry it took me so long to find you. Now, I'll never let you go. Promise.

My Top Ten Favorite Podcasts of 2010

10. Who Charted? (Extremely new podcast--there have only been four episodes so far--from Earwolf, the podcasting network responsible for #2 on our list, so you know it's a quality pod.)

9. Red State of the Union (Kevin Smith speaks with the cast and crew of his forthcoming horror flick, Red State. A fascinating behind-the-scenes look at how a movie gets made outside of the Hollywood system.)

8. Monster Talk (Cryptids, mythical beasts, ghosts, and other creatures that go bump in the night or whenever they damn well feel like it, discussed from a scientific/skeptical point of view.)

7. The Nerdist (Comedian/nerd, Chris Hardwick, talks to people he knows and likes about stuff that is interesting and nerdy.)

8. The Heidi and Frank Show (Funny people sitting around being funny. You've got to subscribe to get the whole experience, but it is totally worth it.)

6. Battleship Pretension (Film geeks talking about films. Funny and substantive.)

5. The Pod F. Tompkast (The official podcast of Paul F. Tompkins, so you know it's a quality pod.)

4. (tie) WTF with Marc Maron & Tell 'Em Steve-Dave! (Comedians talking comedy and Kevin Smith's childhood friends shooting the shit in a comic book shop, respectively.)

3. Doug Loves Movies (Doug Benson and his comedy friends talk about movies and whatever else. Home of the Leonard Maltin Game.)

2. Comedy Death Ray Radio (The finest comedy podcast available! Highlights this year have included Bill Cosby Bukowski; Brett Gelman's short story "iBrain; Bob Ducca; and anything uttered by Paul F. Tompkins)


1. The Best Show on WFMU (Maybe my favorite thing ever. Listen once and you're hooked.)

Assorted 2010 Favorites:

-Vacation in London
-American Dad Christmas episode
-Netflix Instant View on Wii
-My mom's enjoyment of Scott Pilgrim VS. The World
-Impending fatherhood
-ESPN's "C'mon, Man!" segments

Biggest 2010 Disappointment: The Carolina Panthers (I don't want to talk about it.)
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Best of 2010: List Lady Edition

End of year apologies from everyone’s favorite List Lady –

I’ll cut to the chase. List Lady dropped the ball this year. Promises were made and broken. Very few lists got posted. I had good intentions – does that count for anything?

(Insert excuses) – it’s been a busy year – finished grad school, got a real job again, spent many evenings going to sleep before 8pm…this list is even lame!

(Insert awesome end of year list to make up for lack of 2010 lists)-

List Lady’s favorite things – don’t look under your chairs for any of these items – sorry.

(in no particular order)

1. Breakfast foods. Eggos. PopTarts. Bagels. Cap’n Crunch. Maple and Brown Sugar oatmeal. All of these wonderful superfoods have become staples for LL. We hit a bit of a rough patch along the cooking road, and these tasty delights make for not only delicious breakfasts, but also wonderfully healthy lunches and dinners. (Yes, you can feel a bit sorry for Matt at this point.)

2. Track Out. With my new job, I follow the year round school schedule. For me, this means that I get random weeks off throughout the school year. THIS IS AWESOME!

3. Glee. I think this may technically fall under a 2009 favorite thing, but it really took off in the Lawson abode in 2010. Yes, I have the CDs and the DVDs and the theme for Firefox, okay? It’s a really good show, and the haters need to back off. I absolutely plan to force feed it to any and all of my future children.

4. Babies. Matt and I are surrounded by babies – infants, toddlers, middle schoolers. It’s been a fun year of seeing our friends and family become parents and watching those precious pies grow up. 2011 is looking pretty promising, too.

5. (*NOTE: I think I maxed out at 4, but I feel obliged to do one more to satisfy Matt’s love of odd numbers.) London. Not much to say – check out the FB pics. We had a blast. I’d love to go back. Actually, I’d love to go anywhere for vacation right now.

(Insert best gift ever) – to further make up for my slacking this year (remember my attempt at weekly lists regarding Sister Wives?), I present Matt with the best New Year’s present EVER – his own gaggle of Sister Wives (photo courtesy of one very talented brother-in-law):

1. Ms. Jay Alexander – everyone needs a stylist to help them look FABulous.

2. Tina Fey – she’s funny, she’s cute, she’s been a judge on Iron Chef America – need I say more?

3. Snookers – who else could provide him with the zoo of animal slippers that he so desires?

4. Emma Pillsbury – the house will forever more be spotless.

5. Ina Garten – Tina Fey loves her (okay, Liz Lemon loves her, but they’re totes the same, right?), and Ina would NEVER serve premade frozen breakfast foods to Matt for dinner.

Matt, enjoy the extra wives! I don’t want to hear that you “…can’t live like this anymore! I’m not like Jeffrey Garten. I’m not as strong as that guy!” I need this sister wife thing to work out.

(Insert resolution) – List Lady promises to make big changes (and big announcements) in 2011.

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Monday, December 27, 2010

100 Songs I Love: The List So Far...


2010 is rapidly coming to a close, which means I'm almost finished sharing my list of 100 Songs I Love. You can look for the final six songs on New Year's Eve, but today I thought I'd post a comprehensive list of the 94 songs chosen so far. So, here they are, 94 of the 100 songs I happen to enjoy.

1. Space Oddity (David Bowie)
2. In Heaven (from Eraserhead)
3. Motorway to Roswell (Pixies)
4. Melanie (“Weird Al” Yankovic)
5. More Than Words (Extreme)
6. America (Simon & Garfunkel)
8. Pilot Can at the Queer of God (The Flaming Lips)
9. Frank Mills (from Hair)
10. Goodnight and Go (Imogen Heap)
11. Gumby Theme Song
12. Let’s Stay Together (Al Green)
13. Bizarre Love Triangle (New Order)
14. Bizarre Love Triangle (Frente)
15. Walkin’ After Midnight (Patsy Cline)
16. Bury Me Closer (Palomar)
17. How’s It Going to Be (Third Eye Blind)
18. Nothing Better (The Postal Service)
19. Meantime (The Futureheads)
20. This Friendly World (Andy Kaufman)
21. That’s Entertainment (The Jam)
22. She Wolf (Shakira)
23. Satan Gave Me a Taco (Beck)
24. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out (The Smiths)
25. Pap Smear (Crystal Castles)
26. Good To Me (Inara George)
27. Perfect World (Liz Phair)
28. Malchik Gay (t.A.T.u)
29. Rihanna (Rude Boy)
30. Distopian Dream Girl (Built to Spill)
31. Form (Hooray for Earth)
32. Los Angeles (Frank Black)
33. Heaven’s On Fire (The Radio Dept)
34. Daisy (Fang Island)
35. Water Wings (Superchunk)
36. Dead Womb (Death From Above 1979)
37. Me and Mia (Ted Leo and The Pharmacists
38. This Love is Fucking Right (The Pains of Being Pure at Heart)
39. Dark As Days (Army Navy)
40. Hola’ Hovito (Jay-Z)
41. All Hail Me (Veruca Salt)
42. Mother Knows Best (Crystal Castles)
43. Be My Head (The Flaming Lips)
44. Fresh Born (Deerhoof)
45. Wolves and Libertines (Heartsrevolution)
46. Doctor Rock (Ween)
47. Frankie’s Gun! (The Felice Brothers)
48. Jail La La (Dum Dum Girls)
49. Deep Space 9mm (El-P)
50. Kid Icarus Title Screen Music (Hirokazu Tanaka)
51. Imaginary Person (Ty Segall)
52. The Hardest Button to Button (The White Stripes)
53. This Year (The Mountain Goats)
54. Leader of the Pack (The Shangri-Las)
55. 96 Tears (? and the Mysterians)
56. Cathy’s Clown (The Everly Brothers)
57. Take Good Care of My Baby (Bobby Vee)
58. Stuck in the Middle with You (Stealers Wheel)
59. Runaway (Del Shannon)
60. Midnight Confessions (The Grass Roots)
61. Just Dance (Lady GaGa w/ Colby O’Donis)
62. Polite Dance Song (The Bird and The Bee)
63. I’d Rather Dance With You (Kings of Convenience)
64. Dancefloor (The Legends)
65. Stadium Love (Metric)
66. Suspiria (Goblin)
67. Alberto Balsalm (Aphex Twin)
68. Brainbow (Royal Bangs)
69. The Shaded Forests (Deastro)
70. One More Suicide (Marcy Playground)
71. The Moon Theme (Ducktales for NES)
72. Hard to Be (David Bazan)
73. Old Blind Bartimaeus (The Bishops)
74. Best Friend (The Drums)
75. Wish (Nine Inch Nails)
76. Shiny (The Decemberists)
77. Set It Off (0:21-1:21) (Girl Talk)
78. Autumn Sweater (Yo La Tengo)
79. I’m Waking Up to Us (Belle & Sebastian)
80. Title and Registration (Death Cab for Cutie)
81. Leave (Get Out) (JoJo)
82. Praise You (Fatboy Slim)
83. Sunday Morning (No Doubt)
84. I’ve Just Seen a Face (The Beatles)
85. Scenes from an Italian Restaurant (Billy Joel)
86. King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1 (Neutral Milk Hotel)
87. King of Carrot Flowers Pts. 2-3 (Neutral Milk Hotel)
88. Ana Ng (They Might be Giants)
89. Santana DVX (The Lonely Island feat. E-40)
90. Jetpack Blues, Sunset Hues (Anamanaguchi)
91. Crazy in Love (Beyonce w/ Jay-Z)
92. Possibly Maybe (Bjork)
93. Who Is It (Bjork)
94. California English (Vampire Weekend)

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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!!!


Why not try a little "liquid cheer" this year?

Happy Holidays from your internet best friends at Giant Electric Penguin!
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Thursday, December 23, 2010

100 Songs I Love: 89-94

89. "Santana DVX" (The Lonely Island feat. E-40)

We all know (and love) The Lonely Island's songs about being on boats, combining Red Vines and Mr. Pibb to make a taste combination that can only be described as "crazy delicious," and concealing their genitalia in festively wrapped packages, but I want to highlight a song from the Incredibad album that didn't make as many waves, this thunderous tribute to Carlos Santana's signature champagne, Santana DVX. To me, there is nothing funnier on The Lonely Island's debut album then when Mr. Santana himself, portrayed by rapper E-40, shows up to describe what makes his sparkling white wine like no other on the market.

Santana DVX--appropriate for some animals: "A monkey drank a bottle and learned to speak/A squid drank a bottle and became a freak"

Santana DVX--not appropriate for other animals: "A lion drank a bottle and forgot how to growl/A horse drunk a bottle and fucked a cow."

90. Jetpack Blues, Sunset Hues (Anamanaguchi)

Where have I heard this?: You may also know "Jetpack Blues, Sunset Hues" as the theme song for the Nerdist podcast, hosted by Chris Hardwick.

91. "Crazy in Love" (Beyonce w/ Jay-Z)

Dammit, Beyonce is hot! Also, this song is pretty damn great. One of those perfectly-crafted pop songs I can't seem to get enough of (see also: "Umbrella" by Rihanna)

For real: I'm not the only one sporting a boner right now, right? This video could give a lady an erection. Sheesh!

92. "Possibly Maybe" (Bjork)

Speaking of boners, I've always found this Bjork song/video really sexy. I know that's not exactly what you want to be thinking about this close to Christmas, what turns me on sexually, but I can't help it. Each version of Bjork is hotter than the last.

If I'm being honest, the bulk of this list could be Bjork songs if I let things get away from me, but I think "Possibly Maybe" is a sterling example of why I love that bizarre little Icelandic songbird so much.

93. "Who Is It" (Bjork)

Oh, hell, here's another one, just because. As of late I've been obsessed with"Who Is It." This video, sadly, is decidedly less sexy than the former, but it does serve as the perfect visual representation of the moldy cliche "I'll be there with bells on."

94. "California English" (Vampire Weekend)

The boys of Vampire Weekend put out arguably one of the best albums of the 2010, Contra, and this is my very favoritest song from it. When this one pops up on my iPod, I usually listen twice. Feel free to do this yourself and don't feel as if you have to limited yourself to two times.

Only 6 more songs to go! Be here when I wrap things up next week! Exclamation points!

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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Wednesday Morning Music: Das Racist "Who's That? Brooown!""

I could've gone the Christmas song route, but I don't like to be predictable. Dig this catchy number and its super rad video instead!
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Sunday, December 19, 2010

Holiday Wishlist 2010: The 11 Best T-Shirts of 2010

Note to readers: I have provided links to the various Web sites at which these t-shirts can be found, so feel free to buy one or more for me this holiday season, you know, as kind of a thank you for providing you with all kinds of hilarious content all year long. I wear a size XL t-shirt typically, but an L would be perfectly acceptable.

I wonder how Jesus is at kickboxing?

Poor Jason. First he drowned in Crystal Lake. Then his mom went nuts and killed a bunch of horny teens. Then he got duped and run through with a machete. Then he was in 3-D. Then he got chopped up by a young Corey Feldman. Eventually he went to Hell. Then he was in outer space for some reason. Somewhere in there he fought Freddy Krueger. And now this. Sigh.

The only unauthorized use of Bill Watterson's Calvin character that GEP approves of. Doesn't look like he'll be urinating on anything any time soon. Or ever again.

Evolution made easy. Finally

I'm not a political junkie, but I get some of what's going on in the above group shot (George Bush puking; Clinton with a cigar; Carter spitting peanuts, etc.), but why are Presidents Obama and Jackson tongue kissing? Perhaps I'll bring this up in our next Talkin' Politics article. Probably not.

My favorite film of the year. One of my favorite series of graphic novels. Now I want the t-shirt. Is that too much to ask?

Rainbow Pasta
The 2nd most adorable t-shirt on this list. The 2nd most horrifying. The 1st most adorably horrifying.

I could to this, but my wife doesn't like me with a mustache. Sigh.

Partly Cloudy
The most adorable t-shirt on this list. I could just eat it up with a spoon, but I'd rather wear it.

Biblical Disaster
How do you know this isn't how it happened?

Bat and Robin
Maybe the best t-shirt ever. You can trust me, I'm a t-shirt expert.

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Holiday Wishlist 2010: Gifts from the Jersey Shore


1. Snooki Slippers ( What's round, brown and smells like pickles? If you guessed reality television superstar Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi (AKA "Snicks" "Snickers" "The Princess of Pickles" "Shorty McOrangeface"), you're right! She's great, right? I mean, she's on TV all the time, so that must mean she's something special, right? Right?

And this Christmas, you too can have that "Snooki look" everyone is raving about. At least your feet can. That's right, for the first time ever, Nicole Polizzi is offering America a chance to own a piece of regrettable television history: Snooki Slippers. They're modeled after the slippers Snooki wears on her hit Mtv program, Jersey Shore. You can snag yourself a pair of Snooki's Leopard Print or Snooki's Pink and White Snooki Slippers for a mere $24.99 and instantly become the envy of all the weirdly tanned teenagers you hang around with for some reason.

But why settle with being boring? You've been boring all your dull, dreary life. Live a little and get yourself some animal-shaped Snooki Slippers! Snooki offers hippo, tiger face, armadillo carcass, and sea turtle (which disturb me personally the very most!) slippers among many others. You can also get your Snooki Slippers in this horribly shitty design. Did a unicorn just throw up on your feet? Maybe, but you'll never know unless you cough up the twenty bucks to find out. Does the Christmas fun ever stop?

2. Music from the Shore: Not sure what to get the music lover in your life this Christmas? How about a cassingle (they still make those, right?) of the latest song from your favorite cast member of the Jersey Shore? I can only pick one? Awwwww.

Two members of the cast--Angelina Pivarnick and Disc Jockey Paul DelVecchio--released songs this year, both of which are available on iTunes. Yes, the real iTunes!

In her song, "I'm Hot," we learn that Angelina is "busting all the doors down in Hollywood" (Really? Do you mean, like, she's making deals to star in major motion pictures and develop future television projects or that she has turned to a life of crime, specifically breaking and entering?), that she is hot like "an ice cream cone with a cherry on top" (Well, that's just ruined ice cream, Angie.), that one time she "hopped a cop" and "popped his crop" (What?), and that bitches who refuse to "step off" will get punched in the face. It really is the feel good hit of the year. The idea (fact?) that Ms. Pivarnick is not actually "hot"--ie popular, talented at singing/rapping, physically attractive--doesn't seem to phase her, so, in it's own way, "I'm Hot" is a loony, delusional classic. But in most other ways it is just plain terrible.

The less said about DJ Pauly D's "(It's Time To) Beat Dat Beat" the better. All you need to know is that earlier this year the AOL Radio Blog honored Pauly D's cheesy anthem to extreme douchebaggery with the title of
worst song ever.

3. Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore: Some books are meant to be read on the toilet. Some books are meant to be thrown into the toilet. Mike "The Situation" Sorretino's Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore is the first book in history made to be used as a toilet. A must-read for frustrated unpublished writers looking for one last reason to kill themselves.

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Monday, December 13, 2010

The Lohan-ification of Miley Cyrus


Many of you were probably saying, "It was just a matter of time, duh!" when a video of Miley "Hannah Montana" Cyrus--Disney owned and operated since the mid-2000's--emerged last week showing the recently-turned-eighteen-year-old, smoking Salvia, a perfectly-legal-for-some-reason hallucinogenic herb, and momentarily losing her mind (If you haven't seen it, you can watch the video
here at the bottom of the article). To some, the video was hilarious. Did you know that there are adult people in this country that actually devote at least part of their day to actively hate Miley Cyrus, her music, her sitcom for preteens, and every twangy word that comes out of her mouth. So, I'm sure watching her smoke from a bong, babble incoherently for two minutes, and melt into a glassy-eyed pile of giggles was a real coup for them, a laugh riot. "Yeah, that bitch who shouts dumb jokes for toddlers on the Disney channel finally got what she deserved." OK...?

To others, the video was sad: parents who believed Miley might be one of the few child stars to emerge from the Disney machine pure. Billy Ray Cyrus sure wasn't happy about things, tweeting: "Sorry guys. I had no idea" and ""There is much beyond my control right now." Billy Ray ain't having a very holly jolly Christmas all around this year, what, with his impending divorce and his wife probably banging reality television's Bret Michaels. If it's any consolation, Billy, there comes a day when each one of us will wake up in bed next to Michaels. It's better to just roll with it and not get bogged down with the hows and whys. It's just inevitable.

My reaction was kind of a combination of the two. It's sad because even when she was taking cellphone pictures of her underthings and grinding on a stripper pole at the Kid Awards, or whatever the hell that was, I believed she would one day realize she was in danger of becoming a boring cliche and turn it around. On the other hand, the video is kinda funny because, wow, Salvia apparently fucks you up! I mean, Miley goes from 0 to nutso in mere seconds. Oh, it's also funny because it made me imagine, like, what if she was smoking that shit with the kid who plays Rico on her TV show and there was a video of him experiencing a Salvia-fueled freak out? That would be hilarious, minus the sad. But I digress.

The truth is, Miley has officially become a boring cliche, no longer a Lindsay in training, she is on the fast track to rehab, which might be nice since I hear Demi Lovato is getting lonely.


And why the hell do I know who Demi Lovato is? I shouldn't know her name, but I do, because she apparently
beat the shit out of a back-up dancer (I'm happy to report that I do not know why she has back-up dancers? Maybe she's in some kind of West Side Story-influenced street gang or something.) and checked herself in rehab. Another Disney kid on the road to ruin. In fact, Lindsay, Miley, and Demi aren't the only current and former Disney brats headed for disaster. Here is a rundown of other Disney stars on the edge of destruction:

Kyle Massey (That's So Raven; Cory in the House): Addicted to painkillers after his grueling schedule on Dancing with the Stars.

Cole Sprouse (The Suite Life of Zack & Cody; Zack and Cody: On a Boat): Four bag a day Cheetos habit.

Emily Osment (Hannah Montana): Rageaholic

Ashley Tisdale (High School Musical among other shitty things): Smokes rubber cement.

Allisyn Ashley Arm (Sonny With a Chance): Snorts cat poop.

Selena Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place): Makes and smokes her own bathtub meth.

Dylan Sprouse (Zack and Cody and such): Addicted to fatty porn.

You see? This is what happens when Mickey Mouse signs your checks!

Please, Miley, you're an adult now. It's time to stop being so immature and take a page from former Disney star Vanessa Hudgens. She was fond of the cellphone camera too, but she used hers to do something great.

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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Holiday Wishlist 2010: Gay Coffins


Still not sure what to get Uncle Rodney, the "confirmed bachelor" who always brings his "friend" Stephen to Christmas dinner, for Baby Jesus's birthday? How 'bout a coffin? But not just any coffin: a gay coffin.

What is a gay coffin, you ask? Well, for one thing, it is not a coffin who enjoys the sexual company of other same-sex coffins, as I originally thought, but rather, a coffin for the remains of an expired homosexual. But what makes a gay coffin different than your regular old straight coffin, like the one your granny is currently enjoying her eternal rest within, provided she wasn't incinerated or lost by an airline on a magical island somewhere off the coast of Australia? That's easy, and more than a little offensive, largely to the gay community, I'd reckon: gay coffins are covered in pictures of naked young men cavorting. No, really.

The gay coffins in question where the creations of two weird undertakers from Berlin, Thomas Brandl and Michael Koenigsfeld. But Brandl and Koenigsfeld aren't merely slapping pictures of muscle-bound dudes on coffin lids, they also offer rainbow colored urns and private burials "around a tree reserved exclusively for homosexuals." I'll let the morning zoo crew hosts among us offer ideas on what kind of trees might work best for a gay burial. I don't run that kind of blog.

So, why do gay people need special coffins, huh? Those boring old oak boxes are good enough for all of us heterosexual slobs, eh, but not for you? Brandl offers a reason:

"We believe you should be able to have a coffin that lets you embark on your last journey in a way that reflects how you lived your life[.]"

Yep, surrounded by naked, muscular hunks. Sigh.


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Saturday, December 11, 2010

100 Songs I Love: 83-88

83. "Sunday Morning" (No Doubt)

If you're going to work so hard to make a nice spaghetti dinner for each other, why waste it having a noodle fight. I've always loved this song, in fact, the whole Tragic Kingdom album is pretty solid, but this video pisses me off. Thumbs down, No Doubt.

A nose for hits: I've been cursed with the ability to preternaturally pinpoint a band's biggest hit without really know it. Let me explain. Upon seeing the "Just A Girl" video for the first time--late night Mtv, most probably--I fell for No Doubt, and fell in lust with a certain Ms. Gwen Stefani. At the time, No Doubt was yet to capture the hearts and wallets of America's youth, so I felt like I was on the ground floor of something epic. I bought Tragic Kingdom and listen the shit out of it. My favorite song: "Don't Speak." It was different than every other track. There was a sadness about it(obvs) and it touched me (not inappropriately). So, there I was, listening to No Doubt and proudly (maybe a little pretentiously also) proclaiming "Don't Speak" as the stand-out track that I, Matt Lawson, had discovered, my song, if you will. Then what song breaks No Doubt all over America's face like a dozen organic eggs? Effing "Don't Speak." Suddenly, every dope at school is singing it and asking if I've ever heard of No Doubt. It happened with "Brick" by Ben Folds Five too. It's usually what made my intense love for these bands cool off. Now that I'm older I don't care so much, but I spent my formative years having great bands stolen from me by the so-called "cool kids" and that didn't sit right with me.

84. "I've Just Seen a Face" (The Beatles)

How does one pick a favorite Beatles song? Well, for me, it's quite easy. My favorite Beatles song is and will always be "I've Just Seen a Face." There you go. It was the reason Rubber Soul meant so much to me as a young man. But, "Wait," you say, "'I've Just Seen a Face' isn't on the Rubber Soul album, but, rather, the Help! album," to which I say, "Wrong, buck-o, 'I've Just Seen a Face' was totally on the Capital version of the Rubber Soul album released in the US in '65. Look it up, dickwad!" Seriously though, the song was the opening track on the Rubber Soul cassette I wore out in my car stereo during high school. One afternoon, years after tossing most of my tapes in the trash on the cusp of my impending nuptials, I found myself wanting to hear the Paul McCartney-penned classic and pulled out my wife's copy of Rubber Soul on compact disc and to my chagrin found that my favorite tune had been replaced with "Drive My Car," ironically my least favorite song in the Beatles oeuvre. "What is this treachery?" I said, shaking my fists at the heavens. With the recent addition of the Beatles catalogue to iTunes (have you heard about this yet, he asks sarcastically), I've been able to once again add this classic track to my collection. Thanks, Apple Corporation.

At 00:39: Was that something people could actually buy? And use?

A little help: I swear I had a copy of Steve Earle covering "I've Just Seen a Face," but the internet is making me feel as if I've lost my mind. Somebody confirm this cover version please.

85. "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" (Billy Joel)

When I rediscovered this song--my initial introduction to it is a story much too long and boring for the blog, but ask me about it next time we're having a beer together--I fell so deeply in love with it that I had to share the magic with my girlfriend at the time. "Get ready for this," I said, excitedly shoving the first disc of Billy Joel's "Greatest Hits-Volume I & Volume II" into my car stereo. "This song is going to blow your mind!" About a minute and a half into it, she lost interest and tried to start a conversation with me. "What's wrong with you?" I ask with a little more vitriol than was necessary considering the fact that I could've easily paused the song or started it over or what have you. "Why are you talking over the song?" She shrugged. "It's kinda boring." I promptly shoved her out of my moving car, turned up the volume to a deafening degree, and drove off into the sunset. I've never been back to that town since. I hope she didn't get hurt too badly. Anyway, here's the song. Shut up and listen! What, you can't be quiet for 10 minutes? Don't make me throw you out of this moving car!

86-87. "The King of Carrot Flowers Pts. 1, 2 & 3" (Neutral Milk Hotel)

Simple, beautiful and amazing. In fact, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea is a jaw-droppingly amazing album. And it's a classic! For Pete's sake, why aren't you running out to buy it right now? I'll assume you already own it. In that case, good for you.

Fun Fact: It was not unheard of for GEP editor & chief, Matt Lawson, occasional contributor to the blog, Jonathan, and comment jockey, Gabe, to play "King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1" when they got together and found themselves surrounded by various instruments. True story.

88. "Ana Ng" (They Might be Giants)

TMBG is my favorite band and this is my favorite TMBG song. Nuff said.

We're in the home stretch now. Keeping checking back. The final 12 songs will be revealed before the year's end.

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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Wednesday Morning Music: Mama Doni "Chanukah Fever"

Sorry about that. Now here's the for real Wednesday Morning Music:

Sometimes I forget to post holiday fare for our Jewish readers to enjoy, since I'm not Jewish, or religious at all, really, but I wanted to get this funky little number in before Chanukah's final night. Have you got the fever? No? Me neither. This song is pretty dumb. Sorry, Jewish readers. I'll do better next year. (Yeah, I agree, the "latka-fied" line is all right.)

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Wednesday Morning Music: Special Commercial Interruption

I'm fairly certain this is the greatest commercial of all time, and I don't even understand what it's for. Good for you, Kevin Bacon!

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Saturday, December 4, 2010

Making it up to Travis...

The holiday season is a time for peace and harmony, so imagine my chagrin when I came across the following while visiting my second favorite Web site, Lamebook, this week:


Travis's "[White] [People] I Hate [You] [Because]" list saddened me, and not for the reasons you've probably guessed (spelling, punctuation, grammar, racist slang, complete lack of logic, swears, etc.). What bummed me out was that Travis, a young man I've neither met nor spent any meaningful amount of time with, hates me, specifically because of my skin's pinkish hue. I've never done anything to Travis--not that I know of anyway--and yet he hates my honky guts. That doesn't seem fair at all. In fact, most of the reasons Travis hates white people don't even pertain to me.

For instance, I don't particularly enjoy fishing. I mean, it's okay, but I generally never catch anything, so a fishing excursion for me is more frustrating than relaxing.

Also, I don't sport a British accent. I like a good British accent, but I'm not gonna say the British don't sound a little snobby when they chat you up. They do. There I said it.

And it should go without saying, but I'm not racist, pale, stupid, prone to judge an individual based on unfair stereotypes, gluestick-esque, close-minded, bitch-like, vomit-inducing, a dog owner, unattractive, disgraceful, pretentious or gay.

You got me on the fat thing, but I'm working on it, Travs. And sorry, but I enjoy hip hop and I'm not going to stop. That's kind of beyond my control, really. I like what I like. Last time I checked, I was, in fact, a human being, and as for the "faggot ass" voice, well, you'd have to ask the people I converse with day after day. I'm not a huge fan of my voice when I hear recordings of myself, but I don't know if I'd describe it as having a "faggot ass" quality.

I can't help but think that Travis has been personally wronged by a white person, and because of this, he now harbors a deep resentment for every Caucasian on the planet. Perhaps, Santa Claus, commonly depicted as an elderly, bearded white gentleman (but not always), failed to bring Travis a Lite Brite one Christmas when he was very young, a Lite Brite being the one thing he'd truly desired with all his heart. Or something else maybe.

Regardless, in the spirit of the holidays, I've decided to make my own list just for Travis. I hope my words make it possible for you to hate at least one less white person this Christmas.

Travis I Like You Because...

*1. Your eclectic take on spelling and grammar shows that you have a creative mind.
*2. It looks like you keep yourself fit and healthy.
*3. You have very tidy facial hair.
*4. You're not afraid to speak you mind.
*5. Judging from the diamond stud in your ear, you are probably very successful at whatever you do for a living.
*6. You've got a unique point of view.
*7. You enjoy social networking.
*8. Your haircut is nice.
*9. You're not afraid to "not smile" in your Facebook profile pic.
*10. If you regularly play Farmville on FB, I'm sure you're very good at it.
*11. Same with Mafia Wars
*12. You like making lists just like me, though yours are arguably more hate-filled.
*13. You are probably a good friend, provided the friend is not a white person.
*14. I see a door and some walls, so you might own your own home and that's great.
*15. You share my disdain for fishing.

Travis, I hope this helps you see that all white people are not fat, stupid, dog-loving British homosexuals. God bless and Happy Holidays.

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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Holiday Wishlist 2010: The Carstache


If there's one thing every American can agree on, it's that mustaches are totally boss. I mean, whose face hasn't been improved by the addition of a bushy strip of hair between the nose and lips? Burt Reynolds, Sam Elliot, Freddie Mercury, Borat, Cap'n Crunch--great men made all the greater by the facial hair they chose to sport.

But why should rugged, manly-types get all the mustaches, huh? And why should mustaches be limited to just human beings? The creators of the Carstache asked themselves that exact question for some reason. Their answer: mustaches shouldn't be exclusive to the human race! Everybody and everything should be able to experience the beauty and majesty of having a mustache, you know, except for women, because that would be totes gross. Hence, the Carstache was born.

Sure, the Carstache--quite literally a detachable mustache for the grill of your car that comes in 6 exciting colors: black, grey, blonde, orange, purple, and neon pink--will make your vehicle the talk of the town--provided nothing else of even the most miniscule importance has happened in the town you call home in the previous weeks--but will it change your life?

YES, it will make it better.

We made the Carstache® purely because we think it’s funny and it makes people smile. No other reason. When people see a Carstache® on the streets they laugh, wave, thumbs-up, fist pump, gun flex, wink wink, kiss kiss, you name it.

(Gun flex? That sounds vaguely threatening.)

Some of you will rock Carstaches on a day to day basis, and for that you are awesome. For most the Carstache® is a sensational flare piece for events and special occasions like tailgates, birthdays, bachelor parties, Bar Mitzvah’s, Father’s Day, weddings, Halloween, Cinco-de-Mustache, etc… When you drive into a tailgate with a Carstache® you get free beer, hot dogs, and high fives.

(For reals? There isn't much I wouldn't do for free beer and hot dogs. I probably wouldn't participate in a kidnapping. Probably.)

From the Hills of Hollywood to the Plains of Panama to the Alps of Awesometown, let it be known that the Carstache® is hangin' loose and ready to ride! Your car grille has been naked until now. It’s time to ‘stache up and feel the power!

So, yeah, I guess the Carstache has all the answers we've been looking for. And, hell, apparently the Carstache can help one to "channel the power of true American Legends" like Magnum PI, Hulk Hogan, and Gandalf.

You can purchase your very own Carstache right here. I suggest buying a few. One never knows which Carstache a particular situation might call for.

UPDATE: A friend on our Facebook page--by the way, are you friends with us yet?--turned us onto another "hilarious" bit of accoutrement for your motor vehicle: CarLashes, the eyelashes for your car! Now all my car needs is eyebrows, novelty nerd glasses, and eyeballs of some kind. Thanks, Internet!

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