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Monday, February 28, 2011

The Month End Report: Februany

Theme: For the Kids

Number of Individuals Who "Like" GEP on Facebook: 74

Number Who Are Also Facebook "Friends" of Mine: 59

Facial Expression as a Result: Frowny

Number of Twitter Followers: 93

Facial Expression as a Result of this Increase: Frowny, but optimistic

Early Candidate for Album of the Year: Rolling Blackouts by The Go! Team

TV Series Revisited: The X-Files

On Episode: "Space" (Season 1, Episode 9) "After a space shuttle launch is aborted and evidence of some bizarre sabotage is found, a NASA worker asks Mulder and Scully to take a look around. Meanwhile, the former astronaut who is in charge of the mission is apparently haunted by something he encountered during a spacewalk on a previous mission." (description courtesy of Red Wolf's X-Files Episode Guide)

Favorite Episode as a Kid: "Ghost in the Machine" (Season 1, Episode 7) "Following the electrocution of a computer company's CEO, Mulder's old partner asks for help with the case. With the advice of Deep Throat, Mulder and Scully must stop the murderer, all the while fighting off the defence department and the building itself." (Thanks again, Red Wolf)

Does it Hold Up: I think so. Computer technology has obviously come a long way since 1993, but "Ghost in the Machine" is still a solid episode.

Other Game Shows Watson Should Appear On: Wheel of Fortune (will need an assembly line-style robotic arm to help spin the wheel); Hollywood Squares (should be brought back just so Watson can have center square); Double Dare (will need Krang-style robot body)

Number of Promises Broken: 2 (One-the podcast will appear next month...promise; Two-100 Characters I Love will show up sometime in March too.)

83rd Academy Award Telecast Grade: D+ (and yet a thousand times better than the Black Eyed Peas Super Bowl Half-Time Crapstravaganza.)

Baby Preparations Completed: Superfluous furniture removed from baby's room; baby's room painted a pleasant shade of green; daycare centers toured; daycare provider chosen; baby registry updated

Next month: New podcast (you're gonna love this thing!); green beer; a brand-spanking new theme

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Sunday, February 27, 2011

GEP's Top 10 of '10

Tonight is Oscar night, and in lieu of writing anything remotely Oscar-related, I've decided to finally reveal my personal Top 10 Favorite Films of 2010. Some of them were nominated for Best Picture awards, so I guess this post has a little bit to do with the Oscars. I'm not going to say much about each film, but know that if it made this list you have my personal guarantee that it is awesome.

10. Restrepo
Filmmakers spend one full year with American troops in the Korengal Valley, AKA, "The Valley of Death."

9. True Grit
A darkly comic Western from the Coen brothers. A precocious 14-year-old girl hires a grizzly, marble-mouthed, frequently-drunk US Marshall named Rooster to help track down the man who shot her father.

8. Toy Story 3
Remarkably moving. I haven't cried this much in a movie theater since the last Pixar movie. For me it goes Toy Story 3, Toy Story, Toy Story 2.

7. Exit Through the Gift Shop
Street artist Banksy documents the dubious rise to fame of Mr. Brainwash. Best doc of the year!

6. Winter's Bone
A teenage girl in the Ozarks searches for her meth-cooking father; has an uncle named Teardrop.

5. Inception
The Christopher Nolan movie about stealing from people's dreams or whatever. It isn't a confusing film, but it is way too complicated to describe in one or two sentences.

4. Kick-Ass
A high school nobody becomes a real-life superhero, albeit a largely ineffective one. Then he meets Big Daddy and Hit Girl and stuff gets real.

3. The Social Network
The Facebook movie. An intense thriller somehow.

2. Animal Kingdom
A young man goes to live with his criminal in-laws after his mother ODs. Everyone is Australian.

1. Scott Pilgrim vs The World
Based on the comics by Bryan Lee O'Malley, director Edgar Wright not only made my favorite movie of 2010, but possibly the coolest movie ever. I lesbians this movie so much!

Honorable Mention

-The King's Speech (if this had been a Top 11 of '10 list, this one would have soooooo made it)

-Please Give (a pleasant trifle of a film)

-Splice (Adrian Brody makes a monster, then humps it)

-The Crazies (Timothy Olyphant runs away from/shoots at/hides from townspeople who've been infected with your standard issue rage disease; a remake of a Romero film I couldn't get through 3 minutes of)

-Fair Game (Oh, Valerie Plame...if that really is your name...)

-8: The Mormon Proposition (Mormons are apparently homophobic bullies...I had a feeling)


-The Town (aptly acted, aptly directed, but so what)

-Shutter Island (ditto)

Want to See List

Monsters; The American (it is in my DVD player right now, waiting for me to press play); Black Swan; whatever Harry Potter we're on now; How To Train Your Dragon; that Joan Rivers thing

Happy Oscaring, everybody!

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Sunday Bloody Sunday, Pt. 2: Take Yr Lumps, Parade Magazine


Every Sunday morning, my wife separates the newspaper for our individual, breakfastime reading enjoyment. She takes the Arts and Entertainment section (for the crossword puzzle), the sales papers, and the coupons. I get the comics, the Best Buy insert, any ads/coupon pages for fast food restaurants (Even though I have enacted a self-imposed ban on personal fast food consumption, I like to keep up with what's new and hip in the industry. And sometimes the pictures satiate my need to feed my facehole.), and Parade magazine. For those of you unfamiliar with Parade, it is a 15-page periodical chock full of celebrity profiles, recipes from well-known people (This Sunday, Lamb Korma with Salman Rushdie!), questions for the world's smartest woman, feel-good stories of personal triumph, poll questions (This Sunday, "Are You on Facebook?"
SPOILER ALERT: 48% of poll participants are NOT!), and advertisements for products no one with a functioning brain in their head would ever even consider buying. It is this last one--the unquestionably shitty products--that I intend to focus on in this piece.

There I was, enjoying a blueberry bagel in our tastefully decorated breakfast nook, giving Parade the cursory glance it deserves, when I came to an advertisement that screamed this in my face:

An Amazing Sight At Night!
Solar Powered Birds of the Jungle -- or Charming Meerkats!

"Solar-powered birds," I thought. "I believe that I will read on and learn more about these futuristic wonders!" The ad went on:

Bring a tropical touch to your garden--all year round!

That's just what my garden has been missing--a tropical touch!

A magical...

Well, solar power isn't magic per se, but go on...

...and fun delight at night and sure to turn heads in the daylight!

Especially the heads of your neighbors who will, if they have any pride in their neighborhood's appearance, request that you take down your goofy, glowing birds immediately.

The Jungle Birds have a solar panel that uses sunlight to charge the solar lights by day. Each bird has a built-in solar light that turns on automatically at dusk and gives approximately 7 hours of light from a full charge.

Because there is nothing more lifelike than a glow-in-the-dark toucan sitting on perch in, say, South Bend, Indiana.

The solar-glowing meerkats are pretty much the same thing, only way more gross somehow.

Maybe you're unconvinced. Maybe my words and the product description offered by Four Corners, the company selling these dumb birds and whose slogan reads "The best ideas and offers, directly to you!", have intrigued you. If that is the case, allow me to show you the product:



Holy crow! Someone spilled toxic waste on those poor jungle birds! Somebody call animal rescue!


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Sunday Bloody Sunday, Pt. 1: Academy Awards Edition

Tonight the Academy hands out Oscars to the best of what Hollywood had to offer in 2010, and Bill Keane's Family Circus cartoon is getting in on the fun. Or ruining everything. I guess it's a matter of perspective.

Screen Play. Oh, boy.

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Saturday, February 26, 2011

For the Kids: 61 Things to Look Forward To


Sure, you think you've got a pretty sweet deal going right now, being a kid and all, but remember, you still have to go to school, do your homework, set the table, and brush your teeth every single day (sometimes twice!!!). Plus, you've got a bed time. Yep, your parents have conferred with one another and bestowed upon you a specific time at which they expect you to be in your bed, under the covers, sawing logs. Adults don't have a bed time. We can stay up all night if we feel so inclined. And while were staying up late, we can watch movies. Movies with boobs. Naked boobs.

Yeah, being a kid is fun, but wait until you turn 18. Or better yet, 21. Or even betterer still: 32! I can only imagine how great 37, 45, 56, and 63 are gonna be. Here now is a list of things you can look forward to doing and/or enjoying when you stop being a boring little kid and start being a totally awesome adult. Jealous yet?

1. Smoking (legally)
2. Drinking (legally)
3. Swearing
4. Choosing your own path to God
5. Choosing to forgo the whole "path to God" thing
6. Internet porn (legally)
7. Adult Swim
8. Asian school girls
9. Catholic school girls (non-Asian)
10. Catholic school girls (Asian)
11. Rare steak
12. Sex
13. Browsing in an ABC store
14. Browsing the adult magazine section of your local newsstand
15. Voting
16. Rock shows
17. Peep shows
18. Rated R movies
19. Tattoos
20. Pierced ears
21. Pierced nipples
22. Pierced taint
23. Driving
24. Speeding
25. Contesting a speeding ticket
26. Decorating your cubicle
27. Dirty jokes
28. Racist jokes
29. Strip clubs
30. Gambling
31. Bar-hopping
32. Sunday afternoon football
33. Not having to be "cool" all the time
34. Pierced balls
35. High blood pressure
36. Prostate examinations (for men only)
37. Beer bellies (men and women)
38. Phone sex
39. Road Rage
40. Bad mouthing your boss to your co-workers
41. Bad mouthing your co-workers to your boss
42. Bad mouthing your co-workers and your boss to your significant other
43. Marriage
44. Honeymoon
45. Your first child
46. Settling into a routine
47. Therapy
48. Couple's therapy
49. Alcoholics Anonymous
50. Good music
51. High cholesterol
52. Pierced clitoral hood (women only)
53. Anti-depressants
54. Plastic surgery
55. Drinking as much soda as you want
56. Eating as much ice cream as you want
57. Staying up as late as you want
58. Realizing that doing 55, 56, and 57 is totally stupid
59. Conservative talk radio
60. Falling asleep at 7:30 on a Friday night
61. Death

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Leave Charlie alone!!!


I've been reading a lot this week about how Charlie Sheen is crazy and pathetic and thinks Thomas Jefferson is a pussy, and frankly, I'm sick of it. Why must the media continue to malign this young man? So, he's punched a few strippers! Who hasn't? So, he seems more interested in snorting wheelbarrow-loads of cocaine up his nose and beating up porn stars than taking his kids to the park. He's Charlie Effing Sheen, man! He's got a lot on his plate. Ever heard of a little television program called Two and a Half Men? I've never seen it, but I'm told it is the best situation comedy since the Friends bid a teary-eyed American public adieu in 2004. And now, for committing the crime of speaking the truth and making vaguely anti-Semitic comments about the man who's kept food on his table and coke in his nostrils for the past seven years, Sheen has been labeled a nut and had his beloved show ripped away from him. For shame!

You'd think Mr. Sheen is the only one on that show with problems. The truth is, while he's had his various run-ins with the law, Charlie is an angel compared to the cast of freaks and perverts he shares the screen with every week. Here is a quick rundown of just some of the shit Sheen's Two and a Half Men co-stars have gotten into over the last seven years. I think you'll agree these unfortunate actions make Charlie's recent round of insane radio ramblings look tame by comparison:

*In June 2009, Jon Cryer was issued a ticket for failing to pause his iPod Shuffle while crossing a busy New York City street.

*Holland Taylor routinely burns microwave popcorn in the Two and a Half Men staff break-room and blames the writers.

*TMZ reported last year that Conchata Ferrell was observed in a Los Angeles 7-11 convenience store taking TWO pennies from the "Take a penny, leave a penny" dish at the check-out counter and leaving NONE.

*Angus T. Jones hoards animals in his trailer.

You see the kind of scum Charlie Sheen is surrounded by? I actually feel bad for the guy.

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Friday, February 25, 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Sunday, February 20, 2011

What the WTF?!?: You Think YOUR Mom is Bad...


We've all been there: you meet the woman or man of your dreams, you date for awhile, you slowly (or quickly) fall in love, and you get opposite married. It is a beautiful, government-sanctioned time in a straight couples' life together. Maybe you buy a house. Perhaps you rescue a canine companion from the local animal shelter. All that really matters is that you are happily bonded together until one of you croaks. Ah, marriage!

But then, almost immediately, you've got people (friends; co-workers; relatives you haven't heard from in years; random strangers at the Harris Teeter who notice the ring on your finger and believe this an invitation to speak with you at length about your personal life decisions) coming up to you, asking, "So, when are you two gonna have a baby?" It can be maddening--offensive even--but you smile and nod and say, "Oh, I don't know, maybe someday" while in your head the f-word plays on a permanent loop. "How 'bout we have a baby whenever we want and you find out a couple of weeks or months after we do? Does that work for you? Does that fit in with your schedule?" Ugh.

Nobody though is more annoying when it comes to baby questions than moms. All moms want to be grandmothers. It's been scientifically proven maybe! The moment you get a ring on your finger, your mom revs up the old question machine and the barrage of infant inquiries begins: "How long do you think you're going to wait?" "Got any names picked out?" "I found a package of condoms in your honeymoon luggage and took the liberty of poking each one with a sewing needle. Is that OK?" By the time you are married (or knocked up out of wedlock...I don't want to leave out our teenage mother readership), your mom is raring to raise babies again. She's got picture Bibles and "I Wuv Grandma" bibs at the ready.

That being said, most moms--though not all, as we will soon learn--are content to wait until you're ready. It took my wife and I three years. Luckily, my mother had my sister's baby to dote on while waiting for the half-Asian baby currently gestating in List Lady's womb. Moms are cool like that though. They remember what it's like to be young and newly wed. They've also had years of watching their mothers be grandmothers however, and they are ready to step up to the plate.

A 51-year-old South African woman was so raring to go earlier this month, that she hired a man to rape her daughter. Now that's initiative. Sick, twisted initiative:

Police said they believed the mother had enquired within the community to find a man willing to commit the crime.

It is not known whether she offered a financial reward to the man but police believe she identified her daughter as the intended victim.

She then allegedly ordered [Finus Fetnadi, the accused rapist] not to use a condom during the assault...

So, next time your mom (or mother-in-law, for that matter--no reason she should get off so easily) corners you in the kitchen at Thanksgiving dinner and starts grilling you on the frequency of your sex sessions, sigh, smile, and give her a big hug, content in the knowledge that she will most likely not hire a strange man to rape a baby into you. She's just excited.

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Friday, February 18, 2011

Food Porn Friday: Clown Sundae!!!

Since you've all been so good this week, enjoy this special treat from your friends at Giant Electric Penguin...

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Thursday, February 17, 2011

"But it's icky!": 8 foods you shouldn't wait 18 years to try

There is more to life than chicken nuggets and french fries. I know, I know: you're a little kid who thinks vegetables are yucky, seafood is slimy, and any meat not served in tube form, served on a bun and drowned in ketchup is a waste of precious chewin' time, but for Pete's sake, give something new and different a try. Right now macaroni and cheese is the greatest thing ever invented, but trust me, when you're 45 with a kid of your own and he or she forces you to try sushi for the first time, and that little pillow of velvety soft tuna melts in your mouth, you are going to shake your fists and curse whatever God you've chosen as your personal savior and proclaim, "Why did I wait so long? Why? My life has been nothing up to this point." And you know what? I'm going to laugh. Yeah, I'm there. See me in the corner? I'm the 72-year-old geezer pointing at you and laughing while my nurse pre-chews my Dragon Roll.

Maybe you grew up like me. My family had a routine, a routine that seemed to orbit around Pizza Hut exclusively (Damn you, Book It program!). When we weren't sucking down personal pans, my sister and I were fed shake-n-bake porkchops, Orange roughy (So much Orange roughy, in fact, the Lawsons may have been partly responsible for Orange roughy now being on the protected species list. Sorry.), and seven-layer bean dip. Good ol' Midwestern fare. It wasn't until I left for college that I had sushi for the first time. My wife exposed me to the wonders of Indian cuisine when we started dating. And it took my 31 years (!!!) to discover the supreme deliciousness that is sauerkraut (Although, to be fair to my parents, sauerkraut was on the menu as a side item a couple of times a month in the Lawson household.)

So, put the burger down and try something exotic, different, or "icky" for once. May I offer some suggestions?


1. Indian food

Because my father had a negative experience with it on a business trip, I was denied access to Indian food for my entire young life. I've somehow come to terms with this travesty and forgiven my father. I've also made it my personal goal to get him into Royal India, my favorite Indian restaurant in town.

For beginners: Butter Chicken (This was the first Indian dish I ever ate. My wife recommended it on our third or fourth date. It changed my life)

Best experienced: In buffet form.


2. Sushi

Every American youngster's worst nightmare! "Raw fish?! Ewwww!" It's not all raw, dummy! Trust me, the idea may be stomach turning, but once you've got a fresh, soy sauce-coated piece of sushi in your mouth, it's heaven.

For beginners: California Roll (boring, but less scary); Shrimp Tempura Roll (nothing raw here, just crispy deliciousness wrapped in rice and seaweed); seriously though, don't wait too long to take off the training wheels and really go for it.


3. Hummus
You'll eat Play-Doh, but you won't eat hummus? C'mon! It's just smashed up chickpeas. Chickpeas are fun!


4. Mayonnaise
I looked upon mayonnaise with a mixture of fear and revulsion for most of my young life. What was this gloppy white goo that doesn't look at all like male ejaculate but I had convinced myself did? You know what mayo--and I can call it mayo now because we're friends--is now? Mayo is my go-to condiment. A hoagie is incomplete without copious amounts of mayo mixed with mustard, oil, and vinegar--that is a taste sensation that will blow your mind, sirs! My wife uses mayo instead of butter when making grilled cheese. Mayo is everywhere, and you'd be wise to make its acquaintance early in life, that way you can avoid a childhood of boring-ass sandwiches.
For beginners: Try some on your all-American hamburger sandwich. Once you've gotten comfortable with mayo, take it to the next level...


5. Chicken Salad
I love chicken salad! Gourmet, store-brand, cheap-ass greasy-spoon style with relish and mustard, walnut-ridden: I dig it all. My favorite, however, is my wife's Curry Chicken Salad. I'll let you know the next time she makes some. Maybe I'll have you over.


6. Scallops
Sure, they look like tiny slimy doorknobs, but the truth is, when prepared correctly, there is nothing better than a scallop. I think I hated them when I was a kid because my mom liked them so much, and she liked Orange roughy (Dammit, we ate so much Orange roughy! I'm not kidding. It bordered on OCD with my mom.).
How I like them: As close to raw as law will allow.
For beginners: You might want them a little more "done." Not too done though. Overcooked scallops tend to be chewy and unpleasant.


7. Calamari (AKA, "circle chicken")
"What's calamari," you might be asking. Well, kids, calamari is squid. Turns out those ugly, tentacled creatures that gave Captain Nemo a hard time are extremely delicious.
For beginners: As so many things in life are, calamari is at its best when fried.
For fun: Eat some un-fried calamari in front of a squeamish girlfriend. Non-stop laughs. For you. Promise.

8. Sauerkraut
My old nemesis. It took my thirty-one years to try sauerkraut and when I did, I wept. "My life. Wasted." I sobbed quietly into my napkin for hours, which made everybody at the table pretty uncomfortable. It was Thanksgiving after all.
For beginners: Slap some on a hot dog. Mustard that bitch up. Eat. Smile.
For me now: I would eat a bowl of sauerkraut for dinner. A big bowl.
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Sunday, February 13, 2011

100 Songs I Love: For the Kids Edition (101-110)


The Grammys are tonight, but we don't care, and neither should you. However, since this is "music's biggest night" or whatever, GEP is getting all musical up in here and counting down some of our favorite songs for kids. These are the tunes you loved as a child, as well as some recent songs that are destined to become classics. So, wake up your babies and turn up the volume on your speakers, because we about to blast the kind of kid rock you don't want to repeatedly punch in the face with your fists.

101. "Don't Bite Your Friends" (Yo Gabba Gabba)

Say what you will about Nick Jr's Yo Gabba Gabba--it's weird; it's annoying; it's obviously for unemployed stoners in their early 20's--but these little monsters can rock a catchy-ass tune. And what a great message. This is the kind of real-world life lesson that my generation could've used. The months of the year, the alphabet, bed-jumping monkeys--sure, these are important issues for children to be aware of, but biting is not only mean, it spreads disease and it all but guarantees that won't be invited to Peter's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Think about it.

102. "Party in My Tummy" (Yo Gabba Gabba)

Before we leave the Gabba gang in the dust, I would be cheating our readers if I didn't mention "Party in My Tummy," a song I first experienced in book form. My niece, Dakota, received the novelization of Brobee's ode to lunchtime last Christmas. My sister didn't just read the book to Dakota--which is exactly what I would've expected, it being a book and all--she sang it. The tune was enchanting. I couldn't get a recording of my sister singing the book to her daughter, so I thought the actual clip from the show would suffice.

Observation: Something tells me this "tummy party" wouldn't have been so great if Brobee had actually chewed his food. Oh, well, as we learned earlier, it's not cool to bite your pals, and I'm sure it's pretty difficult not to befriend anthropomorphic food. I mean, food is awesome when it can't dance and sing.

Niece Fun Fact: Turn on an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, and Dakota will start wiggling around like nobody's business. She loves it!

103. "Farm Animal Friends" (Gwendolyn and the Good Time Gang)

I've been a fan of this song for a long time. Still not keen on the drummer however. I think it's very telling that when the various members of the Good Time Gang are popping out of barn windows near the end of the video, the drummer is in a room by himself. Whatta creep!

104-105. "Unpack Your Adjective" & "Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here" (Schoolhouse Rock)

We could probably devote a month-long feature to the Schoolhouse Rock series. We're not going to, but we could. Here are two of my favorites: "Unpack Your Adjectives" because it's catchy and I've always had an affinity for adjectives--they were my favorite words to come up with for MadLibs; and "Lolly, Lolly, Etc. Etc. Adverbs" because it is so damn weird. Schoolhouse Rock will probably look old and crusty to my daughter--hell, it looks that way to me now--but I'll always be thankful for it's existence, as it was the go to thing to do when my high school English teachers had nothing else planned.

106-108. "Can You Find It?", "Triops" & "Mammal" (They Might be Giants)

Brooklyn's Ambassadors of Love, They Might be Giants, have entered a new phase in their amazing 29-year career: kid rock (or, edu-rock, if you prefer). Thing is, TMBG have been educating, as well as entertaining, since very early on, as evidenced by "Mammal" from the Apollo 18 album. "Mammal" actually helped me pass a test or two in high school science. No lie. The best thing about the duo's continuing career though is that now me and Quinn can claim the same favorite band and it won't be some crusty old group from back in my day. Just imagine all of the embarrassment this will spare my daughter, you know, at least on one level.

109. "You Can Be Anything" (Gwendolyn and the Good Time Gang)

The Good Time gang isn't just about duckies and farm cats. They're also about positivity and self-esteem. This song proves you can be anything if you put your mind to it, including a goofy- looking drummer with dumb hair.

110. "I Don't Want to Live on the Moon" (Ernie)

If this one doesn't move you, you are unmovable, son. I feel sorry for you.

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Thursday, February 10, 2011

7 Careers You May Aspire To as a Kid, but (Trust Me) You Don't Really Want

Ask any kid what he or she wants to be when they grow up, and you are liable to hear some stupid shit. "I want to be a horsey doctor!" "I want to be a Superman!" "I want to be a riverboat captain!" See. Stupid.

Childhood is a magical time when the possibilities seem endless and your life's path doesn't yet dead-end at a boring data entry position. But c'mon, kids, let's get real. And I mean really real. Realer than cooties. Realer than your parents' inevitable divorce. The careers that look so appealing to you today? Yeah, you'd be lucky if you could rent a one-room hovel in a third world country with the salary you'd be pulling down from one of those. Life is rough and it's about damn time you realize it. It might be super fun to imagine yourself chugging downriver, wearing your boat captain's hat, and whistling a jaunty tune, but that ain't gonna feed your three starving kids and the screeching harpy of a wife you may or may not have knocked up for the fourth time during a mediocre session of birthday sex. That's right: a session!

GEP asked 100 stupid kids the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up and why?"* We then compiled this list of the 7 most common responses and did our best to dash the dreams of every child forced by their parents to participate. The first on our list is very close to my heart, as it was my answer when I was a moronic little ankle-biting peabrain.

1. Toys-R-Us shelf stocker
"You get to be around toys, like, all the time!"
Why it ain't a great gig:
-You'll mostly be helping fat, 30-year-old dorks find the Transformers they need to finish their collections.
-Most of today's toys kinda suck.
-How many Toys-R-Us stores do you see around your town? Exactly.

2. Shamu trainer
Why?: "Shamu is so cute! Killer whales are the gentle giants of the sea and I want to ride around on 'em and make 'em do flips and feed 'em fishes and stuff!"
Why it ain't a great gig:
- Your hair always stinks of fish.
- You'll have water in your ears, like, all the time.
- Gentle giants of the sea, huh? WRONG! They're killer whales. KILLER whales! They can KILL you!

3. Fireworks operator
"Fireworks are pretty!"
Why it ain't a great gig:
- You literally work once a year.
- Hope you're not too attached to your hands because, yep, those are gonna be blown right off. You can't put on a kick ass Fourth of July extravaganza with hooks for hands.

4. Pizza delivery guy
"I get to eat all the pizza I want! And I get to drive around in a car all day listening to music and smelling pizza and stuff."
Why it ain't a great gig:
- More than likely a lonely, big-boobed housewife in her early-40's wearing a barely-there nightgown WILL NOT answer the door and satisfy you sexually with her mouth.
- Shitty tips.
- There is always the possibility you are an unwitting pawn in a prank on some rowdy teenager's elderly neighbors.

5. Guide on the Jungle Cruise attraction at Walt Disney World
"I love those guides. They are hilarious! I want to get paid to make jokes and shoot blanks at robotic animals all day!"
Why it ain't a great gig:
- They don't shoot blanks at robotic animals anymore!
- Grow up and you realize the guides on this thing aren't actually that funny. They're kind of irritating. They kind of make an already stupid amusement park ride even worse.
- You have to live in Orlando.

6. Hollywood celebrity
"They're rich and famous and in movies! It's so glamorous!"
Why it ain't a great gig:
- Drugs
- Paparazzi
- Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew

7. Pterodactyl
"They're scary and they can fly. I would finally be able to beat up my older brother."
Why it ain't a great gig:
- The pay is very low and the health benefits are non-existent.
- No more family dinners at Cici's Pizza. (Pterodactyls are strictly prohibited from most Cici's Pizza locations)
- Pterodactyls are extinct, you dumb kid!

* No we didn't.

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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Wednesday Morning Music: The New Pornographers-"Moves"

A great song + the genius of Tom Scharpling + a cavalcade of stars = the most epic musical experience of 2011 thus far!

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Friday, February 4, 2011

What the WTF?!?: I Don't Feel Good

Did you happen to catch American Idol last night? I saw part of it (what else is one to do during the gulf of yawns separating Community from The Office?). Forturnately--or unfortunately--I tuned in just in time to see this:

Now I like a good American Idol Crazy as much as, if not more than, the next guy, but something about Cooper Robinson made me uncomfortable. First off, he's probably homeless, right? Secondly, he's not just homeless homeless, but crazy homeless, right? And I don't mean "crazy homeless," like, he really doesn't have a home, like, he doesn't even have a cardboard box to curl up in at night, but, rather, that he should reside in a mental institution, perhaps even did at one time. There's something broken in Old Man Cooper's mind that an angry, stompy performance of James Brown's "I Feel Good" ain't gonna fix. Cooper Robinson makes last year's Pants-on-the-Ground Guy look like someone I would happily invite to babysit my daughter while me and the wife took in a special showing of Andy Warhol's Empire at the Rialto. (Google it!)

There's a guy like Robinson on American Idol every year: some old man, usually black, who has in the past ten years or so lost his mind, home, or both. The man stomps around, attempts a popular dance move, and lunges in a vaguely threatening manner at the judges table. Robinson met the core requirements:

-he showed up dressed like an alternate reality mariachi band member.

-he claimed to be from a mysterious plantation in Arkansas surrounded by miles of peril, including alligators, feral cats, and snakes.

-he proclaimed, without hestitation, that he would be the next "American Star for America" after taking the city of LA and Universal Studios by force and becoming a huge movie star.

-he claimed to be "more handsomest than any dog, chicken, giraffe, snake, cow, pig, hog [or] gee-raff."

One thing was missing however: Cooper Robinson wasn't joking. He wasn't having a laugh. Some producer promised Robinson a hot meal if he'd come up and literally scare the crap out of Jennifer Lopez's lucious ass. And that's what he did! Like every senile old nutbag who visits with AI's intrepid judges each year, Robinson successfully made everyone in the room uncomfortable, including Steven Tyler, who, I think we can all agree, has probably seen some heavy shit, man.

Maybe I've changed. Maybe that's why the above clip makes me wince where I'd used to giggle. I feel sorry for Cooper Robinson. He is obviously hurting, but here he is on national TV jangling around like a jackass. And for what? Three and a half minutes of uncomfortable judge silence? Was it all a plot to get Ryan Seacrest to jump into Randy Jackson's comforting arms, as the elfin host does at the end of the clip?

I noticed while watching a few minutes of Winter Wipeout last night that I had largely lost my taste for watching people fall from great heights and land on their faces as well. Maybe I'm maturing. Maybe... Read the rest of this article.

Food Porn Friday: Zaxby's Chicken Parmesan Sandwich

So, I've started a new sort-of diet plan (i.e., I'm keeping a detailed journal of the food I eat and the activities I participate in to burn off the calories of said food--more on that next month when our theme will be Giant Healthy Penguin), but that doesn't mean our Fridays together have to suffer. Friday has traditionally been my day to share pictures of delicious, decadent, and downright insane dishes with all of you, and no diet is going to get in the way of that.

I started keeping a food journal on February 1st, so on January 31st, the last day of my previous eating plan, AKA the "whatever I sees, I eats" plan, I paid a visit to the good people at Zaxby's and ordered a Chicken Parmesan Sandwich Meal (the aforementioned sandwich, crinkle-cut fries, and a drink), as well as, an order of half-priced wings. Now I'm not a big chain guy. I don't have some pompous, holier-than-thou attitude about them or anything, just given the choice, I'd rather patronize a local eatery or even a local chain before settling on one of the Big Boys. Again, I do enjoy a visit to a chain once in awhile. I like Five Guys. I've had many pleasurable experiences at my local Chipotle. And who doesn't like a nice Jersey Mike's Italian hoagie swimming in oil, vinegar, and mayo?

All that aside, I must commend Zaxby's on this limited edition, instant classic. The Chicken Parmesan Sandwich may be one of the best things I've ever shoved into my mouth-hole. That's right, I'm singing the praises of corporate chicken and I don't care. This sandwich is amazing. If there is a Heaven, this is the sandwich served at God's Chef's Table. This sandwich is so delicious, I actually felt like I was cheating on my wife while eating it. This sandwich had me on the verge of orgasm several times, but I resisted the plunge into ecstasy, as my cat was watching me eat.

I've made my point. Zaxby's Chicken Parmesan Sandwich is simply three Zaxby's chicken strips (they probably have some kind of crazy name, like, strips probably ends in a "z" or something), smothered in large quantities of marinara and garlic parmesan sauce, and jammed between two buttery slices of Texas toast. I want one now!

I can't say enough good stuff about Zaxby's Chicken Parmesan Sandwich. And as far as I know, the Zaxby's Coporation doesn't hate gay people. See, Chick-fil-A, it is possible to serve a tasty sandwich AND not disenfranchise an entire cross-section of the American public. Read the rest of this article.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

For The Kids Special Report: Clowns You Should Avoid

Not all clowns are bad. Some clowns can be quite all right, actually. But some children don't readily know the difference between 'good clowns' and 'bad clowns,' so we here at GEP have decided to provide a friendly guide to those clowns that should be avoided like a plague-ridden hobo covered in AIDS-infected gnats. Does that image disturb you? Good. Our job is halfway done. Here now is a handy, pocket-sized (provided you can fit a computer in your pocket, and who can't, what, with all the technology these days and such) field guide to Clowns You Should Avoid.

1. The Party Clown

He doesn't really care that it's your birthday--he's been paid to care. (Same goes for strippers when you're older. Not only does a stripper not care about you, she probably hates your guts. And she's not going to make you a balloon sword, so don't even ask.)

2. The Rodeo Clown

The Rob Lowe to your James Spader! This clown is a bad influence. It is neither funny nor entertaining to run around in front of enraged bulls. It is, in actuality, quite stupid. And these guys usually smell like manure. Is that what you want in a clown, the stench of feces?

3. The Sewer-Dwelling Clown

Probably a giant spider in disguise. Usually found in Maine.

4. The Fast Food Clown

This plucky fella has one goal in mind: getting and keeping you fat. In fact, the fatter you get, the fatter his wallet becomes. And this guy doesn't work alone. He's got a whole cadre of goofy pals poised to enchant your taste buds with nuggets and shakes. Be warned: befriend this clown and you've got a one-way ticket to Diabetes Town, which isn't actually a town, but a disease that can kill you.

5. The Insane Clown

Promotes an agenda of hate and misogyny though violent rap lyrics. Music may compel one to waste large amounts of soda or hurl fecal matter at bi-sexual Asian sluts.

6. The Clown Who is Actually A Heart-Eating Demon from Hell in Disguise

I think that one is pretty self-explanatory.

7. The Medical Clown

...but only if he is being played by Robin Williams. In fact, just avoid Robin Williams no matter how he's dressed. That's just a good rule of thumb.

8. The Vomiting Clown

Note: Will probably not be vomiting rainbows. Most likely, the puking clown will be drunk. And not dressed as a clown. Or perhaps not dressed at all. Stay away from naked puking dudes, all right?

9. This Guy

You're welcome.

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

It's a new month, time for a new theme!!!

This February, Giant Electric Penguin is doing it...

(Warning: Posts not appropriate for children)

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