Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I walk roughly one-mile-and-a-half to and from my place of employment every single day. In the fall and winter months, when the air is crisp and one can feel the slightest nip at one's nose--as if Jack Frost himself is playfully chewing upon your face (perv!)--the walk can be quite pleasant. In the spring, it depends. In Summer, the walk is a grueling death march, a self-torture I endure because of a lifetime of "snack attacks." "You did this to yourself," I grumble to myself. "Don't go blaming that innocent red-haired girl and her daddy's delicious square hamburgers. They didn't force that food down your throat" But no matter the weather, I walk. And some days, I'm joined by what can only be describe as the dregs of humanity. These are their stories. Or, rather, my stories. But, actually, they are my recollections of the experiences we've shared on the long road to nowhere. Well, it's their long road to nowhere anyway. I was just trying to get to work (or my car) and these creeps got in my way or whatever. And recollections are stories, right? So these are some stories. Gah!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Nothing like an accidentally airplane takedown to get me gigglin'.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
1. It's been one week since the tragic death of world-famous polar bear Knut, yet the mourning continues. And why shouldn't it? It's not like anything else is going on, right? SHEESH! IT WAS ONE POLAR BEAR, PEOPLE! I KNOW YOU VISITED HIM WHEN HE WAS A PRECIOUS LITTLE CUB, NEWT GINGRICH, AND, THEREFORE, HIS PASSING AS HIT YOU ALL THE HARDER, BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE POLAR BEARS WHO DON'T HAVE A CUSHY ZOO GIG? BECAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING, POLAR BEARS ARE NOT ONLY LOSING THEIR NATURAL HABITAT AT AN ALARMING RATE, BUT BECAUSE OF FOOD SHORTAGES, MANY HAVE TURNED TO CANNIBALISM. CANNIBALISM!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? CUTE LITTLE PRECIOUS POLAR BEARS ARE FUCKING EATING EACH OTHER! THAT IS HORRIFYING!
3. Apparently, Lindsay Lohan has decided to drop the "Lohan" from her name and from this moment on be known simply as "Lindsay." I guess she's trying to separate herself from her lunatic father or her criminal past or something. WHAT, LINDSAY, YOU SAW ALL THE COVERAGE JAPAN WAS GETTING AND YOU GOT JEALOUS? "WHAT CAN I DO TO GET BACK IN THE NEWS? I KNOW, I'LL DROP MY LAST NAME AND GET MY MOM TO COMPARE ME TO OPRAH AND BEYONCE IN THE NATIONAL MEDIA." SERIOUSLY, NO ONE CARES. AND ALSO, WHY IS THIS NEWS ANYWAY? JAPAN IS DESTROYED, WE'RE BOMBING THE BALLS OUT OF LIBYA, AND A FAMOUS POLAR BEAR DIED, AND I'VE GOT TO READ ABOUT LINDSAY LOHAN'S LATEST DUMB STUNT TO SALVAGE HER DUMB FLAILING CAREER? SHUT UP! (I'm not really that enraged over this, I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of Lindsay in that white dress. Hot, right?)
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS THE SINGLE DUMBEST THING I'VE SEEN SINCE THE LAST "REAL" BIGFOOT VIDEO I WATCHED, WHICH WAS THIS ONE INCIDENTALLY:
DO THEY? I'M AS LIBERAL AS THEY COME AND I'VE NEVER THOUGHT "IT'S A GOOD THING PEOPLE IN CERTAIN CULTURES THINK IT'S OKAY TO BEHEAD THEIR WIVES. TAKES ALL KINDS TO MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND." NEVER!!! THAT'S SICK! IDIOT!
I try to stay away from violence, and I wouldn't even be thinking about Islam except that they keep jumping in front of my face. No one talked about Islam when I grew up. How did they all suddenly appear in America?
I THINK MUSLIM PEOPLE HAVE RESIDED IN AMERICA FOR QUITE AWHILE, VICKY.
And speaking of Baptists … why can't the "good, peaceful Muslims" denounce the actions of the "bad, violent" Muslims? I'm Baptist, and I denounce the actions of the Westboro Baptist Church. They are not living the way Jesus taught – but the opposite. Maybe, just maybe the "good" Muslims approve of what the "bad" Muslims are doing! Maybe they are celebrating it, funding it and cheering them on.
GOOD, PEACEFUL MUSLIMS DENOUNCE THE ACTIONS OF THE ANGRY ISLAMIC TERRORISTS ALL THE TIME. TURN THE TV ON ONCE IN AWHILE, YOU DUMB BUNNY!
The Muslims want to tear down the Statue of Liberty! It's an "idol."
WHY DO PEOPLE GET SO UP IN ARMS ABOUT THINGS THAT WILL NEVER, EVER HAPPEN. EVERY MUSLIM IN AMERICA COULD SIGN A PETITION DEMANDING THAT THE US GOVERNMENT DISMANTLE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, MELT IT DOWN, AND TURN IT INTO MATCHBOX CARS AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. GET PISSED OFF ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, LIKE THAT FAKE BIGFOOT VIDEO OR SOMETHING.
This new al-Qaida magazine for women has beauty tips and suicide-bomber tips! Gimme a break! That is as ridiculous as two men kissing on the mouth! And I don't care what is politically correct. Everyone knows that two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit, not an "alternate lifestyle"! There I said it! Ridiculous!
Did you see "Glee" this week? Sickening! And, besides shoving the gay thing down our throats, they made a mockery of Christians – again! I wonder what their agenda is? Hey, producers of "Glee" – what's your agenda? One-way tolerance?
THEY MADE A MOCKERY OF CHRISTIANS? DURING WHICH SCENE EXACTLY? I THINK YOU MIGHT BE REFERRING TO ORAL INTENSITY'S PERFORMANCE OF SONSEED'S "JESUS IS MY FRIEND" WHICH WAS A HILARIOUS INTERNET PHENOMENON A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO AND USED BY GLEE'S RESIDENT VILLAIN, SUE SYLVESTER, AS A PLOY TO GET THE BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN JUDGE TO VOTE FOR ORAL INTENSITY TO ADVANCE TO NATIONALS. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN, VICTORIA? HOW WAS THAT A MOCKERY OF CHRISTIANS? DID YOU MEAN GAY KISSING? IS GAY KISSING A MOCKERY OF CHRISTIANITY? WHY IS THE IMAGE OF TWO YOUNG MEN KISSING SO FRIGHTENING TO SOME CHRISTIANS? GAHACHKAHAHHHHHH!
I'M GETTING A RAGE HEADACHE. I BETTER TAKE A BREAK. EFF YOU, VICTORIA JACKSON! SEE YOU NEXT WEEKEND, JERKS!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wanna see it with me? Let's plan to get dinner beforehand. What are you feeling? Pizza? Sushi? We can talk about it. I'm so excited!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
1. Marie Osmond (singer/failed talk show co-host/Mormon)
2. Margaret Cho (gay-friendly stand-up comedian/sitcom semi-star)
3. Joan Rivers (pioneering lady comic/reality TV star/reanimated skeleton)
4. Bret Michaels (rock-n-roll front man/reality TV star/bald guy)
5. Peter Criss (drummer/the guy in KISS who got last choice when picking a stage persona)
6. Louie Anderson (comedian/writer/voice actor/clumsy buffet patron/possible sex pervert)
Read the rest of this article.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
1. If your first reaction to the tragedy in Japan this week was to take to your Facebook page or your Twitter feed and quote scripture about earthquakes being a harbinger of Jesus' return and not, "What can I do to help," you are a horrible, horrible person. Mere minutes after I learned of the devastation in Japan I saw this posted on Facebook:
10 Then he said to them: “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. 11 There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven. (Luke 21:10-11)
3. Kacey Jordan (seen here giving 'porn mouth') tried to kill herself this week. Not familiar with Kacey? That's what she's afraid of, hence, the disturbing tweets:
I know what you're expecting, but I also know that you know me well enough to know that I rarely do what one expects. I don't have a beef with Rebecca Black. She seems like a nice enough 13-year-old girl. It's a bad song. Bad songs happen. Sometimes they happen to good people. Sometimes they happen to a lot of different teenage girls whose parents pay a soulless, money-hungry group of opportunists to record and auto-tune their marginally talented daughter's voice and make her feel like a pop-star for a day. There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, there is, but that's not the issue right now.
She's a little girl, man, c'mon! She doesn't even seem like a horrible little girl, like one of those bitches from, well, any show currently running on Mtv. Who would you rather spend a Friday night "parytin' partyin YEAH" with: Rebecca Black or Deena of Jersey Shore? Black or Teen Mom 2's Jenelle?
Friday, March 18, 2011
This song may very well be about pizza.
The Olsen Twins and their weird friends (I'm looking at you, Little Girl in Purple.) ruin a pizza.
I wonder which "pizza store" is Uncle Moishy's favorite "pizza store?" Also, why is Uncle Moishy so damn clumsy? Get it together, Moishy. Oy yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah oy vey, indeed.
Either utterly horrifying or totally cute. I can't decide.
Yes, we saved the best for last.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
If I'm being honest, it could use some work.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
--1:08: "I think I just smurf'd in my mouth (Translation: "I think I just threw up in my mouth."
--1:14: "Where the smurf are we?" (Translation: "Where the hell are we?")
--1:16:Tagline: "Our Turf...Gets Smurf'd (Translation: "Our Turf...Gets Covered in Offensive Graffiti")
--1:24: Hank Azaria as Gargamel says, "Smurfs." (Translation: "How much am I getting paid to be in this thing again? A lot, right?")
--1:35: "Whoo! Let's smurf this joint." (Translation: "Whoo! Let's smoke this joint.")
--1:43: "All right, who smurf'd?" (Translation: "All right, who ejaculated all over the family photo albums?")
Sunday, March 13, 2011
See the film the Rhode Island Film Festival (!!!) gave 4-stars and called "A powerful emotional story with a twist of humor." Am I dick for laughing at this trailer? At the end when the kid, I assume, offers to put his grandfather down and Ernest Borgnine responds with a dramatic chorus of "no," I can't stop myself from chuckling. Then Raymond's mom pops up and sadly intones, "You silly old fool," and I lose it. Maybe the funniest movie of '11.
2. Bonnie & Clyde vs Dracula
Do you even need to see the trailer to know this is going to be awful? Probably not, but we've provided it anyway. I wonder why this part of the Bonnie and Clyde story was left out of the Arthur Penn classic.
Remember the Smurfs? Well, whether you do or do not doesn't seem to matter because the filmmakers behind the Smurfs movie have thrown it all out the window and plopped the little blue pixies in modern day New York City. Who is this movie for anyway? Do kids today even know what Smurfs are? There isn't any kind of Smurfs presence on TV right now, is there? I think NPH says it best in this awful, awful trailer: "Do not be fooled by their cuteness." Mark my words: this movie is going to be terrible. Maybe the worst thing ever, and, yes, I am aware that there are two Alvin and the Chipmunks movies and a third installment of Transformers is set for this summer. I'm serious, if you honestly want to see this film, I think I need to take a long hard look at our friendship and decide if it is worth pursuing. Read the rest of this article.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Rev Grant Storms deserves our collective disdain for so many reasons--he's viciously anti-gay, he's opposed to sexual intercourse being performed in the middle of public streets, he clips his sunglasses to the collar of his t-shirt like a douchebag, etc.--but today I want to focus on his allegedly brand spanking new (no pun intended) discovery of pornography. For those of you who don't know, Pastor Storms was recently caught masturbating in a public park in New Orleans a short distance from where children were playing. Storms, known for his yearly protests of something called the Southern Decadence Festival and homosexuality in general, has admitted to having his pants unzipped and one hand firmly tucked inside said pants, but he claims he was not jerking it. He's a homophobe, after all, not a pedophile. He recently held a press conference at which he outed himself as a hypocrite and claimed that he felt awful about all those past Souther Decadence Festival protests. That's all fine and good, but I was a bit confused about another one of his startling revelations:
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I know what you're thinking: "What's up with Matt? He dubs March 'Healthy Electric Penguin' month and the first thing he posts is a list of fast food he wants to eat. Then there's that stupid post about salad toppings--who in the world would put Fiddle Faddle on a salad? Dumb.--followed by the video of those two, weird Greek chicks dancing. What's so "healthy" about all that mess?"
I get it. I said at the beginning of the month we were all gonna get healhty together and I meant it. So, let's do it, people! You didn't really have to wait for me, but if you did, put your sweat bands on and dig your leotard out from the back of the closet, 'cause it's time to get physical.
To be perfectly honest with you, while my journey to a healthier life started earlier this year, the idea to turn my life around and drop some of this damn weight started last year, specifically when I learned I was going to be a father. When my wife showed me the pregnancy test, I was at my highest weight ever (I'm not comfortable sharing the number here, but I will say that it rhymes with "blue-bundred and nifty"). I decided right then and there that if I wanted to see my daughter grow up (first day of kindergarten, the prom, college graduation, wedding/commitment ceremony,etc), I was going to have to get my act together. My goal: 10 pounds a month until Quinn's birth, which would put me, if I started in February, which is exactly when I did start, at my goal weight of 200. All I had to figure out now was how to do it.
I have twice been a member of Weight Watchers. The first time, I faithfully worked the program, dutifully entered my points into the Weight Watchers database, and miraculously dropped 35 pounds in a matter of months. I was elated. I could bound up the stairs, make love to my wife, and run from Johnny Law (don't ask) without losing the ability to breathe on my own. It was glorious. I was a happy, thinner man. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life: I dropped out. I boldly explained to my wife that I had "rewired" myself--a phrase she still throws back in my face to this day, and rightfully so. "I don't need the Weight Watcher overlords to tell me what to do. They trained me well and I am ready to go it alone." I did OK for awhile, but then my wife got pregnant, the cravings started, and to make her feel less alone, I stopped caring about what I was shoving in my food-hole, and promptly destroyed all my hard work. If you think about it, this is all my wife's fault really. (J/K LOLZ)
The second time I joined it was for, like, two weeks and I simply forgot to enter my points into the grid in a timely fashion and, in failing to do so, learned that I didn't actually care. And so, you know, blue-bundred and nifty. Sigh.
So, what am I doing now? Well, I'm sort of working the WW program without working the program. I'm putting myself in the mindset that at the end of each day I have to enter my "points" into "the system," when in reality I am simply keeping a detailed log, or food journal, of what I eat and drink every day. I also keep track of my activities.
It's working. Kinda. I didn't quite meet my first goal. I lost 9 pounds in February, rather than the desired 10, but I haven't let it get me down. This month I'm focusing on adding more activities. I walk to work every day (1.3 miles there and back) and every Sunday the wife and I take a brisk 45-minute walk around a local lake. But I want to add more to the repertoire and I plan to document these activities in a new feature I'm calling SMACKING FAT IN ITS FAT FACE W/ MATT. You can expect the first one this Saturday.
So, that's where I am. This month--and maybe beyond, I haven't decided yet--I will use all of you as my accountability partners. Feel free to use me too, if you want. Together we'll keep each other honest. I'll keep you updated on my weight loss--as horrifyingly embarrassing for me as that is--as well as activities and foods I've discovered that have made the whole "getting healthy" thing not so bad. Let's do this!
Weight as of last Sunday: 241 lbs
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Salads! When you've decided to eat healthy, there is no easier meal choice than the salad. Of course, unhealthy salad toppings can turn even the healthiest salads into a caloric nightmare. We hope this list will come in handy when you eat your next salad. You're welcome.
1. shredded cheese
2. bacon bits
4. creamy dressings
5. Hershey's chocolate syrup
6. fried onion petals
7. Fiddle Faddle
8. Circus Peanuts
9. Fun Dip
10. deep-fried apple slices
11. Arby's Horsey Sauce
12. high fructose corn syrup
13. maple syrup
15. Pringles (specifically from the "eXtreme flavor" collection)
16. iceberg lettuce (tempura fried)
17. crystal meth
18. Gummi Bears
19. candy corn
20. candied whale blubber (not only unhealthy, but illegal in the US)
21. your grandpa's ashes
22. cauliflower (high in "yuck")
23. hot dog water
24. salted herring
25. soft-serve swirl ice cream
26. hobo piss
27. plant fertilizer
28. McCormick-brand Salad Toppins
29. McCarmack-brand Salad Sloppins
30. peanut brittle
31. country-fried ham chunks
33. brown gravy
34. man gravy
35. Advil Extra Strength
36. a whole pumpkin
37. a witch's tears
38. edible panties
39. MacCormook-brand Muppet Shavins
41. double-fried pineapple-shards
42. panko-breaded mini chocolate chip muffins
43. melted butter
44. fish AIDS
45. Swedish Fish
46. carrot shits
47. Magic Shell
49. salt chunks
48. gerbil farts
49. deep-fried crack rocks
50. grease-soaked kelp
51. sesame seeds
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Say hello (or 'cheerio' if you are so inclined) to the Princess Kate Bride Doll. True, this isn't an actual picture of the doll per se, I mean, we still don't know what Kate Middleton's dress is going to look like (odds are it will be FABULOUS!!!), but the Danbury Mint had to get something out there, you know, before the other mints (?), so here you go. According to the ad in this week's PARADE Magazine (Oh, yeah, we're gunning for you again, PARADE! Two Sundays in a row, son!) the doll version of Ms. Middleton, charmingly described as "the enchanting commoner who captured the heart of a Prince," has been specifically created to celebrate the "Wedding of the Century." Really, Danbury Mint? The whole century? You're telling me that if Jesus himself descends from Heaven and weds one of the Bush Twins (Barbara is still available by my count), the royal wedding between Kate and Prince What's-His-Face remains tops for the century? You didn't even consider the possibility of a Jesus-Barbara Bush marriage did you, DM?
Tell us more about this "museum-quality collectible," Danbury Mint. We're waiting.
What will she wear? That's the question everyone is asking, but no one has been able to uncover this closely guarded royal secret.
No one has been able to crack the wedding dress code, but I'm glad we have people on it. Makes you feel a little bit safer, don't it?
For the first time in 30 years, since Diana married Charles, we will all be treated to the grandest of events...a Royal Wedding!
Events I Would Consider Much Grander Than a Royal Wedding: this year's Super Bowl; The San Diego Comic Con; the Pixies show I saw five years ago; the Bemis Elementary School roller skating party at which I skated with Kelly Luce the entire time; The People's Choice Awards; an NKOTB record release party; the season premiere of Hoarders; the aforementioned fictional wedding between Jesus Christ and Barbara Bush.
In what is sure to be the "Wedding of the Century" (ugh), lovely Princess Kate, the first commoner to join the royal family in over 350 years, will exchange vows with dashing Prince William at historic Westminster Abbey on April 29.
I like that the ad wizards behind this copy like to keep hammering it into our heads that Middleton is a lowly commoner. It's kind of like they're saying, "This could happen to you too one day, you lowly plebian scumbucket, but while you're waiting for Prince Charming to ride up on his trusty steed and pull you out of your boring life of mediocrity, why not buy a porcelain doll of some chick in a wedding dress."
While the details of her bridal gown remain a royal secret, it is certain to create a worldwide sensation...and our gifted designers will capture every detail to perfection! Once the special day arrives, our seamstresses will create an unmatched representation of the lovely bride and the grand gown she will actually wear on that day.
"But, what if I can't wait that long for a Kate Middleton doll? What if I want my Kate Middleton doll RIGHT NOW!?!" Not to worry, one Web site is offering a Kate Middleton Prize Pack. Lookit all this swag you can get:
Aw, man, that doll ain't big enough to make sweet, sloppy love to. What gives?
(You can pre-order your Princess Kate Bride Doll here. Heck, it's only gonna cost you 159-bucks. What are you waiting for?)
(You can find the Kate Middleton Prize Pack [my name for it], as well as all manner of creepy porcelain monstrosities, right here.)
Friday, March 4, 2011
I've only got one problem with this hamburger sandwich: it's got beets! I've made no secret of my contempt for beets on this blog, but I'm willing to try a "fast food" beet for some reason. Maybe they aren't so bad on top of a mass produced hamburger patty. The Kiwiburger was so popular in New Zealand, that when it was removed from the menu--as popular items often are-- the citizenry complained so loudly, the McDonald's Corporation had no other choice but to bring it back for good. Good on ya, New Zealand.
What's a kroket? Well, in The Netherlands a kroket is basically stewed meat wrapped up in a crispy fried shell. The crew at your local The Netherlands' Mickey D's then tops it with a mustard/mayonnaise sauce and slaps it between two pieces of bread. I love me some fried meat pouches. Mmmmmm!
This one's got a high fail potential, but how cool would it be to saunter into your local McDonald's and order a lobster roll? It'd be super cool, right? Right?!
I've never had the pleasure of enjoying the Canadian delicacy known as poutine, but what's not to love about French fries topped with cheese curd and smothered in brown gravy? That's right: there isn't one thing not to love.
4. Double Prosperity Burger
Sure, you could go for the single, but who doesn't want twice the prosperity? Get your priorities in order, bub.
I know what you're saying: "That's just a Big Mac. I've had a stupid Big Mac." That might look like your standard issue Big Mac, but that burger is made out of bulgogi, son!
2. Shogun Burger
Teriyaki pork patty, egg, lettuce, bun. Simple.
1. CBO (Chicken Bacon & Onion)
Like a BLT only better because it's got chicken and onions.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
For those of you not born before 1978 (for example, me), the Hacienda billboard is referencing the Jonestown tragedy in which hundreds of followers of cult leader Jim Jones guzzled poison fruit punch at his behest and died. It was terrible and sick. And it happened in 1978. And it happened because some people are super dumb.
Does that make the billboard funny? Not particularly. Billboards are never funny, except for those one's with messages from God on them. Oh, and that one that reads "Isn't She a Little Young?" that my wife likes so much. But, yeah, I've never seen a billboard that made me smile. Billboard comedy just ain't that great. Is the billboard in poor taste though? Again, I say no. Referencing "poisonous Kool-Aid" when describing blind adherence to a group or kooky philosophy is a part of the cultural lexicon. It's a hackneyed idea that I've probably used a time or two when making a point about religion or love of sports or something. No one ever gets offended, unless they wait until I've walked away to complain. All Hacienda is trying to impart to the public is that their food and drink specials are so amazingly delicious, you may develop a cult-like love for the place. That's all. South Bend resident Patricia Barbera-Brown didn't get it however:
"I thought perhaps I had misread the sign," she recalls. "It brought back quite a few horrible images and memories, and the very notion that a local restaurant would trivialize such a worldwide tragedy to simply increase their sales of cocktails is outrageous to me, and it offended me to the core."
Worldwide tragedy? Offended to the core?? Did you have a family member or friend who died as a result of their belief in a madman's pseudo-religious bullshit? Were you there yourself and just narrowly escaped death as a result of "butter fingers?" If the answer to either of these questions is no, then shut your stupid, joyless mouth.
Perhaps the people of South Bend were turned off by the historical inaccuracy of it all. Everyone knows Kool-Aid wasn't really the poisonous beverage of choice, but rather Flavor-Aid. If that's the case, I get it, but I'm pretty sure that is not the case.
So, do Indiana proper a favor, South Bend: shut up and STOP ALREADY!!!
And while we're on the subject of nauseating ads, here are a series of ads I've seen a lot of on television lately. They kind of make me vomit a little. I give you the Virgin Mobile "stalker" ads:
Ugh. These are sick. This character isn't entertaining, she's mentally ill. What's funny about stalking? Maybe I'm out of touch, but this looks like an SVU situation just waiting to happen.
Hey, sick freaks at Virgin Mobile...