Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
In 2006, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey ran for governor of Minnesota. Sharkey, a self-proclaimed vampire and devoted follower of Satan, had big plans for the Land of 10,000 Lakes, but it was his vision for America as a whole that made him stand out, especially to the hardworking men and women of the Secret Service. The plan: impale all evildoers, starting with President George W. Bush. Yes, Sharkey's first act as governor of Minnesota (???) would be to try Bush as a war criminal and, upon finding him guilty as charged, impale him on the front lawn of the White House. Sharkey also proposed impaling for Osama Bin Laden, every member of al-Qaeda, and all convicted criminals.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
DAY 1: TAMPA TEMPTRESS
DAY 2: THE CLASSY LASSY
DAY 3: RON SWANSON'S DREAM DATE
DAY 4: GETTIN' SQUIRRELY!
DAY 5: YOGA PANTS
DAY 6: COS-PLAYTIME
DAY 7: HOLLYWOOD DREAM COME TRUE
Monday, May 23, 2011
What makes Robot Monster so wonderfully, gloriously, transcendently bad, you ask? Let's start with the film's villain, Ro-Man. He is ostensibly the "robot monster" promised in the title, but as you can see while he does appear monsterous he is, in fact, nothing more than a gorilla with a diving helmet for a head. The movie's exciting poster features a sinister skull-face lurking beneath the helmet's glass, but in the actual movie Ro-man's face resembles nothing more than a featureless mannequin head. There is nothing robot-ish about Ro-Man. There's also nothing remotely scary about him. I mean, c'mon, his communication device runs on bubbles. Bubbles! It is called the Billion Bubble Machine in the credits. That's right. The Billion Bubble Machine gets a credit.
Other reasons Robot Monster is a complete cinematic failure: non-sensical use of stock footage from old dinosaur movies; entire film is set in a rock quarry and the desolate, uninteresting environs; ear-piercing sound effects; seizure inducing strobe effects; cheesy 3-D tomfoolery; antagonist is a gorilla wearing a space helmet!!!
"Err-or! Err-or! Err-or!"
Our story begins at a charming afternoon picnic in a rock quarry. Johnny and his chubby sister Carla are playing amongst the sharp debris, dank caves, and steep cliffs when they come across two men--Roy and The Professor--who claim to be archaeologists. Whatever they are, Johnny doesn't hesitate to hop onto The Professor's lap. After a few minutes of lap-sitting and a simplistic explanation of what archaeologists do, Mother (apparently she isn't important enough for an actual name) and Alice (Johnny and Carla's older sister) retrieve the youngsters and everyone takes a nap on the cold, hard ground of the abandoned rock quarry. Now that's good sleepin'!
Johnny can't stop thinking about The Professor's lap though (heck, the boy needs a male role model in his life--he laments his dead father just before nap time) and while his family sleeps he heads back to cave where he first met The Professor and his handsome sidekick. As Johnny approaches the cave, he is struck by lightning (I think?). He collapses and two lizards engage in mortal combat. No, really. A baby alligator with a fan taped to its back and some other reptile are thrown onto a poorly constructed set, which I guess has been created to make them appear huge and menacing, where they proceed to, as the kids used to and celebri-chef Bobby Flay currently says, "throw down." It is the kind of scene no longer possible in this Let's Be Respectful of Animals' Feelings world we live in today. Thanks, PETA!
Anyway, the lizards brawl (as do some triceratopses--???) and we are suddenly thrust into the distant future (I guess?) in which The Professor is now father to Johnny, Carla, and Alice, Roy is still the handsome sidekick, and they are the last living people on Earth. Where is everybody else? Well, they've all been killed in an alien invasion. The invaders? Well, it's actually just the one invader, Ro-man, and he, um, actually, uh, lives on the other side of the rock quarry. WHA??? Yes, Ro-man has single-handedly eradicated every human being on Earth, yet his leader, The Grand Guidance, is incensed that five people still remain. Really? As far as I'm concerned, Ro-man did a pretty good job. I mean, he killed everyone on the planet and burned every city to the ground by himself. What did you do, Grand Guidance? Oh yeah. You sat at your view screen like a turd grumbling orders, belittling Ro-Man and blowing bubbles. Jerk! The Professor and his family are impervious to Ro-Man's Calcinator death ray, which as far as I can tell emanates from Ro-Man's body, having been injected with a serum that makes it impossible for them to get sick, so Ro-Man decides he will have to murder them with his bare hands. Only problem is he's fallen in love with Alice who unbeknowst to him has married Roy in a ceremony officiated by her father, The Professor. After the wedding, Roy and Alice head off into the wild for their honeymoon, even though up to this point The Professor has forbidden anyone to leave the electrified bunker they call home. Carla follows and is strangled to death by Ro-Man. Then Ro-Man punches Roy in the face a few times and runs off with Alice. Roy dies (???), but not before he tells The Professor, Mother, and Johnny what Ro-Man has done. Johnny comes up with a foolproof plan to save his older sister, Ro-Man attempts to rape Alice, and The Grand Guidance, who has grown sick and tired of Ro-Man's ineptitude, shoots lightning out of his fingers, killing Ro-Man, Johnny, and everybody else. The lizards fight some more. The triceratopses get into it again. The earth splits open and crumbles...
(Being the dutiful host that I am, I must now warn you, readers, that the section following the photograph of Ro-Man and Alice engaged in an interplanetary slap fight contains spoilers galore. Read on if you'd like to know what happens in Robot Monster's thrilling final act or stop here, watch the film for yourself, and return for my expert [and, let's face it, hilarious!] analysis.)Then Johnny wakes up. That's right...it's all been a dream. A horrible, poorly written dream. The Professor, Roy, and Johnny's family find him, woozy and bleeding, on the ground outside of a cave. He babbles something about looking out for Ro-Man, everyone laughs, and Johnny slips into a coma. Nah. I'm kidding. Johnny's fine. Ro-Man does lumber out of the cave though...three times! I thought there was something wrong with my copy of the film (oh yeah, I own this bitch!), but I think now that Phil Tucker was simply giving his audience one last spooky 3-D effect before sending them home to lament the hour and half they'd just wasted.
So Robot Monster is nothing more than the nightmare of a little boy who has been struck by lightning and left for dead in an abandoned rock quarry. OK, I'll buy it, but let's take a closer look at this dream, shall we?
In the opening scenes of Robot Monster, we are struck over the head repeatedly with the fact that Johnny has a wild imagination and enough creativity to power a largish Mid-Western city for nearly three days (that's pretty good if you've read the same studies on children's creativity as a renewable energy source that I have), yet the best extraterrestrial invader he can dream up is a gorilla in a space helmet. I am aware of the fact that we cannot control our dreams (though I did have a friend in high school who swore to having at least three lucid dreams in which he was the master of his own fantastical dream fate), but I could do better than a gorilla in a space helmet with half of my brain removed.
And why does Johnny's dream include a mushy love story? What nine year old boy has a dream that includes a romantic subplot for his older sister? Again, dreams are completely random. In reality, the dream's love story would've been between Johnny and Alice or Johnny and Roy or, worse yet, Johnny and Mother. That's what happens in dreams: uncomfortable shit. Not in Robot Monster though. Johnny not only dreams about his sister finding true love with The Professor's handsome sidekick, but he also dreams them up a sex scene (albeit one that occurs after a fade to black).
The dream angle gives the lizard and tricertops fights and Carla's murder a weird kind of logic, but for the most part the movie doesn't work. And that's why Robot Monster is so damn memorable! It's a mess, but a wonderful one. Robot Monster deserves its place among the worst films of all time and Ro-Man will live on forever as Earth's lamest visitor from outer space.Read the rest of this article.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Jordan Clark is a creep! He spends 41-minutes making us fall in with a sweet-natured Thai bar girl with a hardscrabble life and then informs us in the film's closing moments that she is dead. It is a blunt, unceremonious finale to a film dripping with misery and pain. Not exactly the Friday night party-starter I was hoping for.
The scenes without Pla--and they are very rare--largely fall flat. Who doesn't know that Bangkok is a cesspool of horny falangs, crooked cops, and miserable poor people by now? You hear about someone vacationing in Thailand and you automatically go, "Yep, he's a pervert." It is a sick, dangerous, and corrupt city, but the women seem to be the only ones who suffer, so, unfortunately, nothing much ever changes.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Awwwww, yeah. It's Wednesday--Hump Day--time to crank the sexy dial to 11. Let the dulcet tones of Real World New Orleans's David Broom wash over you; drown in the silky sweet vocals and sticky hot keyboard licks of someone no one under the age of 25 could possibly remember. Oh, baby!
Read the rest of this article.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Ugh. No matter what you think, Subway, this is not a prize anybody anywhere wants. Please, can't we all finally come together and let Subway know that their food is terrible? If not for us, let's do it for the children.
More false advertising. These solar panels are in no position to pay anybody's electric bills. They don't even have jobs. All they do is lounge around in their sweatpants and play Xbox all day long. How are they gonna pay my electric bills when they can't even get a call back from Wal-mart? Lazy ass solar panels. Eating all my Eggos.
Monday, May 16, 2011
So, there's a script, a cast of professional martial artists, and a world renowned director. It's time to shoot this baby! Now the fear sets in for, I would guess, the bulk of the cast. They've suddenly realized, "Oh, shit, there are cameras here and stuff. And I have lines. Everybody here knows I'm not an actor, right?" But what can Hall/Ho do? Sending everybody home would be rude, after all, they've been practicing their Eagle Claw Technique for months, perfecting their jump kicks and splits. So, Hall/Ho decides to press on. Damn the lack of acting ability! Damn the ridiculous script! "I made Robo-Kickboxer-Power of Justice, dammit," Hall/Ho screamed into the cold night air. "I can do anything!"
Of course, I could be completely wrong. Undefeatable is ostensibly a film about a streetfighting waitress (Cynthia Rothrock) seeking the man who killed the younger sister she is struggling to put through college, but it becomes clear rather quickly that the vastly more fascinating tale being woven concerns the film's protagonist, a rape-happy kickboxer named Paul, aka Stingray. We've seen the whole struggling waitress engages in Mafia-backed back alley fights with rival gang members for cash thing before. But Stingray's casual murder spree (seriously, this guy just lopes around town like a pothead until somebody sets him off) is what provides the most entertainment in this colossal failure of a film. Since she receives top billing in this piece of shit though, let's consider Rothrock's story first.
Rothrock plays Kristi Jones, a former member of the Red Dragons street gang and current diner waitress, who engages in illegal street brawls for quick cash which she uses to pay her sister Karen's college tuition. Early in the film, Kristi is arrested and interrogated by hunky police dectective Nick DiMarco, an accomplished martial arts expert in his own right. The two of them eventually team up to hunt Stingray, but their "love" story is pretty stale and rendered DOA by the fact that, quite simply, these two "actors" possess no acting prowess what-so-fucking-ever. Far more interesting (i.e. ridiculous) is Undefeatable's B Story which focuses on Stingray, a violent sociopath with complex mommy issues. His wife, Anna, after speaking with a pyschiatrist, Dr. Jennifer Simmons (who just happens to be Karen Jones' favorite professor), leaves Stingray after a weirdly comic dinnertime rape. Stingray returns home from the gym the next night to find a "Dear John" letter on the dining room table and, well, he just sorta loses it. Now every woman he sees that halfway resembles Anna (floral dress, teased out red hair) gets kidnapped, taken to his secret warehouse (???), tied up with chains, raped, and eventually murdered. Oh, yeah. Stingray is also fond of plucking out his victim's eyeballs with his bare hands and tossing them in his fish tank. Ew.
After Stingray dispatches Kristi's sister at a strip mall in broad daylight (???), the two stories converge and the film turns into every other "hunt for a serial killer" movie you've ever seen only with more karate and more stupid. In the end (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Kristi and Nick kick Stingray's ass in a hospital basement:
Undefeatable's cheap look, bad acting, and fairly ridiculous yet technically competent fight scenes, reminded me of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter without the vampires, rampant lesbianism, and wit. It is a hacky kung fu trifle filled with gobs of unintentional hilarity, but very little substance. For lovers of classic cinematic trash, Undefeatable is a treat that I can't help but to endorse wholeheartedly. It's stupid, but it's short, therefore lessening the sense of hopeless depression one can feel after watching a B-movie. I'm totally willing to waste my precious time watching a bad movie if said movie is no longer than 90 minutes or so. Any longer and I really start to wonder why God hasn't struck me dead for squandering the precious gift of life.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Undefeatable's final bit of dialogue before the credits come blazing across the screen. Kristi, Nick, and Kristi's trio of goofy, Asian sidekicks are standing before Karen's grave presumably to inform the corpse that her death has been avenged or whatever. As the group saunters off into the sunset, this conversation happens...for real:
Goofy Asian Gang Member #2: Hey, maybe we should go to college.
Goofy Asian Gang Member #1: I already told you, our IQs are too high (Note: he actually did say this earlier in the film--he literally told this horrible joke twice in the movie)
Kristi: Actually, guys, I already enrolled you. You start Monday.
Goofy Asian Gang Member #1: Well, what about you, Kristi. Are you gonna go to college?
Kristi: (laughs) Oh, no. Not me.
Nick: That's what you think. I enrolled you!
Wait a minute. So, you can just enroll people in college without them knowing? I don't think that's accurate? Also, since Kristi has enrolled three of her friends in college, does that mean she is going to pay their tuition? She was having a hard enough time paying her sister's tuition, now she's gotta help out three of her unfunny gang member friends? And who the hell is paying for Kristi's education? Officer Nick? They hardly know each other. They don't even share a passionate kiss in the film, but rather a passionless hug. Whatever, Undefeatable!
Also, I'm not sure "undefeatable" is an actual word. Am I wrong?Read the rest of this article.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Sadly, this god among sandwiches is currently only available at the 2nd Avenue Deli in New York. But, hey, I don't know who's reading this post, so here goes nothing: if you are a friend of the blog OR a personal friend of mine who lives in NYC (and don't try to deny our friendship, because I know you totally still love me), how 'bout buying one of these things for me and FedExing it down to Raleigh. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org if this seems plausible in any way. C'mon, let's all contribute to my early demise!
Read the rest of this article.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Current record holder for song that has been stuck in my head for the longest stretch of time (2 weeks and counting!). Luckily, I'm a Cranberries fan, so it's no biggie. (WARNING: VIDEO FEATURES CREEPIEST CLOWN EVER!!!)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Kate Beckinsale dressed as a sexy Little Red Riding Hood, eh? I think I got some inappropriate comments for that.
I've finally found it: the most awkward sex scene in cinema history! To be fair, I wasn't really looking for it, but that doesn't mean I wasn't supremely pleased when I stumbled across it. At about the halfway point in schlock-master Don Dohler's 1982 largely useless alien invader flick Nightbeast, Bob Ross-haired, porn-stache sporting Sheriff Cinder makes awkward, poorly-lit love to sexy Deputy Lisa Kent and film history is officially made. Lisa removes Cinder's pants to bandage a leg wound, takes a long, sensual shower, and returns, wearing only a towel, to the bedroom where Cinder seals the deal:
Cinder: You're very attractive. I guess I never noticed before. Can I take this shirt off?
Lisa: Only if I can take this towel off.
Oh, baby! That is HOT! OK, first of all, why would Karin Kardian (the actress who plays Deputy Kent) agree to strip down and roll around on a bed with Tom Griffith (who played the role of Sheriff Cinder in not one, but two, Don Dohler alien invasion pictures!)? Why, Karin? This is the only movie role you've ever had, for God's sake. And look at the movie? It's Nightbeast, an astonishingly cheap looking, low budget B-movie populated by Baltimore-area "actors" with annoying accents and showcasing some of the most insulting special effects I've ever seen. Did you think this bold choice your first time out would lead to bigger roles in classier films? Oh, Karin. I weep for you. Also, nice butt.
Nightbeast concerns a blood-thirsty alien's attack on the charming city of Perry Hall, Maryland. As the film opens, an extraterrestrial spacecraft is struck by a meteor and sent hurtling to Earth. A rubber-faced beastie with tragic orthodontal issues evacuates the small craft just before it explodes...hundreds of times! OK, maybe not hundreds, but a ridiculous amount of times. Some yokels who happen to be camping nearby check out the wreckage and are killed by the creature's laser blaster. Let's talk about this laser gun for a moment. When you are shot with this weapon from outer space, you turn all disco (see above) then disappear. Some people leave behind a pile of person-shaped ashes. Others turn into a slow-burning brush fire. The same happens when a car is struck by the laser beam. The car gets all sparkly and disappears. While cars and human flesh are easily disintegrated by the alien's laser beam, stone walls and rotted logs are not, so when engaging in a fire fight with the alien, our heroes often take refuge behind these aforementioned un-laser-blastable objects thus shielding themselves from death.
Perry Hall is populated by all kinds of loveable oddballs, like Mayor Bert Wicker and his teenage lover/secretary, Mary Jane. He's an ass-kissing sycophant and she's a slutty teenage drunk. They make quite a quirky pair until they are disembowled by the titular night beast. Another local favorite is middle-aged greaser Drago, seen here on his kick-ass motorcyle:
Drago taunts local law enforcement with his devil-may-care attitude, his slicked-back hair, and his jaunty mustache. When he's not riding his hog around town he's strangling his ex-girlfriend or awkwardly attempting to rape Deputy Lisa or getting into a slow-motion fist fight with Jamie, a local boy who occasionally assists the sheriff's department. Drago's story arc (which never once intersects with the night beast's) is silly and pointless, but Drago emerges as the only memorable character in a film full of area weirdos looking for their big break. Drago may beat and rape women, threaten law enforcement officers with their own weapons, and act like a 45 year old James Dean, but...oh, you know what? Nevermind. Drago is totes lame!
But that's okay because Nightbeast is pretty lame. Nightbeast reminds me of a fan-made Halloween movie I watched on YouTube once. The internet film was nothing more than a series of increasingly over-the-top murder scenes and while some of them were quite affective and moderately scary, the scenes never added up to much more than a plotless snuff film. Oh, Michael Myers totally killed a guy with a machete...and a hammer...and a bar of decorative soap...and...and...get it? There wasn't much else going on. We can forgive this YouTube exclusive, however, because it is fan-made. Some dude took the time to rent equipment, get his friends together, and put on a creep show. Then he edited the thing, added some music, and had himself a little horror movie to share with the world. To be honest, it looked pretty good, it just wasn't very satisfying.
I'm pretty certain Don Dohler wasn't setting out to change the face of science fiction (even though that's what the original film trailer promises), Nightbeast wasn't his answer to Star Wars. It's a B-film, a gore flick made on the cheap, a piffle. It's not very entertaining, the acting is abysmal, but it features some classic unintentional hilarity and a legendary scene of awkward lovemaking. Nightbeast is a waste of time, but I'm pretty sure it's the first invasion film in which the alien wears a dress shirt.