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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Girl Gang Smackdown: The Dagger Debs/Jezebels VS The Mini-Skirts

Who doesn't enjoy a good cat fight? I know I do. I've spent hours combing YouTube for girl fights, wasting vast amounts of time I could use for writing or raising my daughter. Look, if there are girls smacking each other around somewhere, I want to know about it. And I want to watch it. And that's about all you need to know about me.

As we enter the final days of The September of Smackdowns, GEP is pitting The Mini-Skirts (from 1968's Mini-Skirt Mob) against the Dagger Debs/Jezebels (from 1975's Switchblade Sisters) to determine who's tougher. I've done the research (i.e., watched both films and taken extensive notes) and will be judging each gang in three different categories: tagline(s) from their film's poster, gang membership, and unruly behaviors on display. Let's get started.

1. TAGLINE(S)

Advantage: The Mini-Skirts

2. GANG MEMBERS
The Mini-Skirts: Shayne (the leader): a jealous, homicidal sociopath who will stop at nothing to break up her ex-boyfriend's fledgling marriage; Edie (the leader's sister): along for the ride and doesn't really approve of her sister's methods; Spook (the weird drunk): easily manipulated, fond of Budweiser-brand beer, and kind of a pervert; Fran and Bea (the gigglers): typically the victims of Spook's various perversions; Lon (the pussy-whipped second-in-command): willing to shoot and throw Molotov cocktails at an old rodeo buddy for the unlikely possibility that he will get laid; L.G. (the dead one): an instigator who is dead most of the time.

The Dagger Debs/Jezebels: Lace (the leader): cute as a button, but meaner than hell; Patch (Lace's right-hand-woman): a troublemaker with a fairly accurate bullshit detector; Maggie (the new girl): cool, calm and deadly with a switchblade and chain; Dom (leader of the Silver Daggers): good hair, but a lousy boyfriend; Hook (a yellow chicken): grows up to be Bob Pinciotti; Donut (the fat one): wishy-washy and kinda deserves the shit Lace is always giving her.

Advantage: The Dagger Debs/Jezebels

3. UNRULY BEHAVIORS

The Mini-Skirts: lewd dancing outside the confines of marriage; rampant flirtation; public intoxication; littering; reckless driving; stalking; sexual manipulation; overly theatrical intimidation; murder; swearing.

The Dagger Debs/Jezebels: fast food restaurant destruction; disrespectful attitude toward the police; inter-group bullying; prison rioting; multiple murders; roller rink shoot-out; lackadaisical attitude toward rape; sexual manipulation; knife fighting; drug sales; gang warfare in a public street.

Advantage: The Dagger Debs/Jezebels

And the winners are...
THE DAGGER DEBS/JEZEBELS! Their actions make those performed by the Mini-Skirts look downright wholesome. True, both girl gangs commit murder, but The Debs commit so many murders, I lost count. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to be trapped in an elevator with any of these young ladies, but at the end of the day it's the Debs/Jezebels that scare me the most.




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Ultimate Burger Smack-Down: Burger #5: The Schlow Burger

That Schlow Burger looks fantastic! I want one right now! What's that? I've got to go all the way to Radius in Boston to sink my teeth into this half-pound, cheddar-covered, horseradish-slathered, crispy onion-topped work of art? Oh, well. I guess I'll just eat a few celery sticks and go to bed.

Wait a second! You say the recipe for the Schlow Burger is available in burger namesake Michael Schlow's 2005 cookbook It's About Time: Great Recipes for Everyday Life? Great. I'll just order the book from Amazon and make my own Schlow Burger in six to eight weeks when it arrives. I'm hungry now, but if I gots to wait, I gots to wait. Sigh.

Now hold on just a damn minute! Are you shitting me? Seriously, dude. If I find out you're shitting me, I am totally gonna kick your butthole inside out. You say that someone named "chuck" posted the recipe on zumbrun.net earlier this year and I can make my own Schlow Burger right this very second? Oh, joy!


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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Ultimate Burger Smack-Down: Burger #4: The Frita Doble Con Queso

That, my friends, is true beauty. Meet the Frita Doble Con Queso, or "Double Cuban Burger with Cheese," all the way from El Mago de las Fritas in West Miami.

What makes a "Cuban burger" different than your "basic boring old American burger," you ask? I think I'll let the
Burger Beast, as he calls himself, enlighten you:

"
A Frita or Cuban Hamburger is usually a combination of ground beef, chorizo and spices topped with onions, homemade julienne potatos, and ketchup on a cuban bread roll. El Mago [the chef at El Mago de las Fritas] claims there is no chorizo in his frita but I don’t believe him. The Frita has a very distinct flavor and will cause a flavor explosion in your mouth. There is no burger that tastes anything like this."

For more details on this stunning burger and many others available in and around the Miami area, check out
burgerbeast.com. As far as I'm concerned, Mr. Beast, you are America's greatest living hero. Eat on, sir. Eat on.


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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Killer Monkey Smack-Down: The Results

When I handpicked the movies for GEP's first ever Killer Monkey Smackdown, I had no idea that choosing a winner would prove to be such a difficult task. I lost sleep over this, by which I mean I got out of bed earlier this morning than I had originally planned, but that was mostly because I needed to change my daughter's diaper and get her dressed for the day. Regardless, choosing just one killer monkey to represent all killer monkeys, both here and abroad, turned out to be a Herculean task that I almost wasn't ready for. But I did it because, well, somebody had to, dammit! I crunched the numbers, put together a panel of experts (ex-monkey trainers, a former zookeeper I met in an online chat room, Jane Goodall) and met for a week in a secluded cabin in the Rocky Mountains to discuss the pros and cons of each chosen ape, and prayed to a variety of deities I don't believe in. The results are what you have before you. I'm happy with my choice. I hope you are. (Note: I don't really care if you are or not.)

LINK

For: solid acting performances from both man and ape; a cleverly creepy final scene

Against: knowing that the orangutan playing the title character, a chimpanzee named Link, probably had to be painted black before every day of shooting kinda bummed me out

MONKEY SHINES

For: Boo, the capuchin who plays the murder-crazed Ella, is the finest monkey actor ever captured on film; Alan and Ella's epic final battle is a tension-filled masterpiece

Against: needlessly science-y explanation of Ella and Alan's psychic connection; super scary VHS box

KONGA

For: hilariously intense performance from the man who would be Alfred

Against: literally everything else

THE MIGHTY PEKING MAN

For: supremely silly, therefore, endlessly entertaining; Evelyn Kraft's bikini is a wonder to behold

Against: Utam, the mighty Peking man in question, looks downright awful, like, worse than Konga awful.

AND THE WINNER OF OUR KILLER MONKEY SMACKDOWN IS...
ELLA, from MONKEY SHINES! Ella, your murderous monkey behavior freaked me out like no other's. You truly are the killer monkey of my nightmares. Congratulations. Please don't kill me.

Next time: We pit The Jezebels against the Mini-Skirt Mob for girl gang supremacy!!!


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Saturday, September 24, 2011

Killer Monkey Smack-Down: Film 4

Title: The Mighty Peking Man

Killer Monkey: Utam

What the heck?: A team of explorers, led by the recently heartbroken Johnny, brave the perils of the Indian jungle in search of a legendary ape man. Most of the party abandons the mission after it is attacked by a tiger and trampled by elephants, leaving Johnny alone with his heartbroken thoughts. It isn't long before Johnny comes face-to-face with the titular mighty man and his companion Samantha, a blonde-haired beauty who roams the jungle in a skimpy animal skin bikini. Samantha introduces Johnny to her buddies--a leopard, the tiger who just ten minutes earlier tore a poor, Indian jungle guides leg off, and a baby elephant--and within hours, Johnny gets a lot less heartbroken. Utam, the giant ape man under Samantha's control, falls into a deep (see also "comical") depression after accidentally seeing Johnny and Samantha "doing it," but he gets over it pretty quickly and decides Johnny is a good enough dude. Johnny convinces Sam and her giant ape pal to accompany him to Hong Kong and become superstars. Samantha readily agrees, and the next thing you know Utam is shackled on a boat to Hong Kong. Things don't go so well there, as you can probably imagine. Utam, again catching his beloved Jungle Girl in a compromising position--this time a rape in progress--loses his shit and flattens the city of Hong Kong. The final moments are basically King Kong with the Jardine House stands in for the Empire State Building.

What's to like: gleefully silly throughout; Evelyn Kraft's animal skin bikini threatens nipple slippage every time she is onscreen; Evelyn Kraft is onscreen A LOT; this musical montage:



What's to not like: Utam couldn't look worse.

The truth: Who knew a killer monkey smackdown could be so great? I didn't. I'm gonna have a hard time choosing a winner this time, dudes. Stay tuned.

Next time: We choose a killer monkey and set it loose in a major metropolitan area!!!


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100 Songs I Love: Tribute to R.E.M. Edition: Part 1 (111-120)

R.E.M. is one of the three bands that changed my life. If it wasn't for Automatic For The People, Nevermind, and Apollo 18, I might still be listening to nothing but Boston Pops and Michael W. Smith. R.E.M. had a hand in radically altering my musical taste and for that I will forever be appreciative. Now, I'm a fan of early- and mid-period R.E.M.--but don't worry, I'm not a dick about it--so this list of my favorite R.E.M. tunes noticeably lacks anything after Up. Also, the ten songs presented here are, in fact, favorites, but if included each and every one of my favorite R.E.M. songs, well, we'd be here all night and I have plans, so, you know, I gotta leave time for a shower and stuff. I'm not even wearing pants right now. So, without any further silliness, here are 10 R.E.M. songs that I totally love. It was a good run, guys. In the words of ABBA, thank you for the music.

Ooh! I should do an ABBA one of these. Nick would love that.

111. "Fall on Me" (Lifes Rich Pageant)


If you were to ask me to name my very favorite R.E.M. song, I would most certainly say "Fall on Me." It is simple, catchy, and beautiful. I've always enjoyed the interplay of Michael Stipe's and Mike Mill's voices.

112. "Daysleeper" (Up)


There is a sadness to "Daysleeper" that appeals to the corporate drone I play from 7:30 to 4:30 during the work week. Stipe is not describing my job per se--I do all my sleeping in the nighttime, thank you very much--but he, or rather the character he is playing here, gets it. "My night is colored headache gray" is one of my favorite Stipe lines ever.

113. "Swan Swan H" (Lifes Rich Pageant)


If you happened by my dorm room in college, you were guaranteed to hear my roommate and I perform a cover version of this song for you. We had a little set we'd do for visitors--whether they wanted it or not--and this, I think, was the crown jewel of it. A simple, dark, and folksy tune that is a lot of fun to sing. I wonder if Brent and I could still do it? We probably could.

114. "Try Not to Breathe" (Automatic for the People)


My favorite off of the first R.E.M. album I ever purchased. I don't know what it is, but I usually gravitate to songs about death, especially when they're as tuneful as this one. It should be noted, that it only took me about two weeks after buying Automatic to own the rest of R.E.M.'s catalogue up to that point. I told you they changed my musical life. Big thanks to my mom for helping me out.

115. "Cuyahoga" (Lifes Rich Pageant)


I'm sure it's pretty obvious what my favorite R.E.M. album is by this point. This song popped up on my iPod yesterday when I was driving home from work and I wrecked my voice shouting "Cuyahoga" during the chorus. It was worth it. And look, here's a nice
cover of "Cuyahoga" that one of my current favorite bands, The Decemberists, did.

116. "1,000,000" (Chronic Town EP)


A foot-stomper from the Chronic Town EP. I've beaten the crap out of my steering wheel many times listening to this one.

117. "Stumble" (Chronic Town EP)


Another rocker from the Chronic Town EP. You know what, the whole of Chronic Town is solid. Go listen to it right now!

118. "Near Wild Heaven" (Out of Time)


A nice showcase for Mike Mills. I never tire of this one. So nice.

119. "Catapult" (Murmur)


From the classic Murmur. I don't know what it's about--I mean, obviously a catapult, but what are they doing with it?--but I love Peter Buck's guitar.

120. "New Test Leper" (New Adventures in Hi-Fi)


My favorite song off of a pretty solid album.

You know what, there are still so many R.E.M. songs I love that I'm gonna have to do a Part 2. So, stay tuned.

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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Ultimate Burger Smack-Down: Burger #3: The Great Dane's Brat and Bacon Pretzel Burger

Were I independently wealthy and the possessor of an iron stomach, I would travel the country in a van or bus--you know, a tour bus, like the kind Smashmouth must've had in the 90's--and travel to various American eateries, scarfing eccentric and exciting burger and forcing them to battle one another in merciless competition on my blog. I hate that most of the hamburger sandwiches in our burger smackdown will only be experienced through pictures and downloaded menu descriptions, but, alas, I am not rich and I do not have access to a tour bus or even a van, for that matter. Perhaps someday, when my daughter is a little older and the wife and I finally decide that a healthier lifesytle is merely a pipe dream, I'll take a that burger road trip. Until that day however, I'm content to simply look and slobber. And, boy, does today's contender have me slobberin'. For real. It's sick. Meet the Brat and Bacon Pretzel Burger from The Great Dane Pub & Brewing Co. in beautiful Madison, WI. I'll let them give you all the sensual details:

A one-third pound U.S.D.A. choice ground beef patty and a one-quarter
pound bratwurst patty grilled with caramelized onions and topped with
Applewood smoked bacon, sharp cheddar cheese, lettuce, pickles and tomato.
Served on a pretzel roll with a side of Peck’s Pilsner mustard.

A bratwurst patty ON TOP OF a ground beef patty? Carmalized onions? Crispy bacon and sharp cheddar from the state where godly cheeses go when they die? An effing pretzel roll??? If there is a heaven, this is what it looks, smells, and tastes like.

For more downright pornographic pics of the Brat and Bacon Pretzel Burger check out Taylor Takes A Taste... Read the rest of this article.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

May You Be The Receiver of One Million Views: Clash of the Girlfriends

For our newest feature, GEP is digging up some criminally under-seen internet videos and posting them front and center for your viewing enjoyment. It is our hope to get the word out on these largely ignored video treats and give them the place in mankind's consciousness that they so richly deserve. For our first entry, we present Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Confronts New Girlfriend In Restaurant. I think that kind of sums things up. Let's watch...



You know, it's always been my fantasy to have two cute Asian girls fighting over me. This guy is truly living the dream, man.

Also, this is my new favorite show.
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Monday, September 19, 2011

Killer Monkey Smack-Down: Film 3

Title: Monkey Shines

Killer Monkey: Ella

What the heck?: Law school student and rising track star, Alan Mann--who looks like Ryan O'Neal but is played by actor and former Scientologist Jason Beghe--is run over by a truck and rendered a quadriplegic. After discovering Alan midway through a suicide attempt, Geoffrey, Alan's scientist buddy, offers up the services of a capuchin monkey, named Ella, that he's been conducting weird brain experiments on. Enter Melanie, a helper monkey trainer and Alan's new love interest. Things are looking up for Alan upon Ella's arrival, except for the fact that, you know, the two of them seem to feed off of each other's negative energy--Alan is enraged at the former friends who have betrayed him and Ella's is pissed off about being poked with needles all the time--and as things seem to go in movies like this, parakeets wind up dead. Oh, and people. People are also killed. Like, lots of them. Alan figures out pretty quickly that Ella is carrying out vicious crimes on his behalf and he demands that Geoffrey take her away. But Ella isn't ready to separate herself from Alan and this leads to totes more bloodshed of the people variety.

What's to like: Ella can be super cute one minute and intensely scary the next; the supporting cast is a veritable who's who of almost famous people (Stanley Tucci as the doctor who saves/ruins Alan's life; Stephen Root as Geoffrey's sadistic boss); Alan and Ella's final battle is legendary:



What's to not like: the explanation of why Ella and Alan are connected is needlessly complicated; a quad on normie round of cunnilingus sends a cage full of helper monkeys into hysterics; none of the other characters listen to Alan when he insists that Ella is evil and this grows tiresome; I don't know what the movie's poster has to do with the film I watched, but I remember this image was also on the VHS box at my local video store when I was a kid, and it scared the shit out of me.

The truth: This is actually the second time I've watch Monkey Shines in my life. I like it. I like it a lot. The performances, by both monkey and man, are great and the film's climatic showdown is pretty intense. Sorry to say, Link, but I don't know if you're going to run away with this victory as easily as predicted.

Next time: Just how mighty is this Mighty Peking Man anyway???


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Where Were You When Two and a Half Men With Ashton Kutcher Premiered?

It is a question akin to those old classics "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" and "Where were you on 9/11?" (For the record, not alive and at my parents' old house eating Cap'n Crunch respectively.): Where were you when Ashton Kutcher made his network television premiere as Charlie Sheen's replacement on CBS's situation comedy pogrom--I'm sorry, program--Two and a Half Men? Has there every been a more exciting time to be alive in America? I submit that there has been. I also submit that there have been many, many millions of time periods in which it was more exciting to be alive in America? And I finally submit that the return of Two and a Half Men, nay, the very creation of Two and a Half Men in the first place is the nadir of televised entertainment in these United States.

I'm willing to admit that this is a harsh assessment of a show of which I've never actually seen an entire episode. I've heard it playing in another room. I once watched the end of an episode with my in-laws. I think my parents were watching it one time when I was home for a visit years ago. From these varied experiences, I have concluded that
Two and a Half Men is firmly rooted in sexism, fond of filthy sex talk, and painfully unfunny. If this is an unfair conclusion, let me know in our comments section. I should inform you that no matter how you choose to defend TaaHM, I will ignore you and continue to not care.

Here's my question: what's wrong with letting a show die? From what I can gather, it seems as if
TaaHM has a large, in all probability largely deaf and blind, fanbase. I further assume that this fanbase is largely a fanbase in the first place because of Charlie Sheen's involvement. Sheen helped make TaaHM a gigantic, unfunny success for years and years. Everyone involved made some fat stacks. Hell, I bet the Half-Man got laid a couple times off it. Everybody prospered, Jon Cryer won some awards, and for awhile anyway, bowling shirts were all the rage again. Following Sheen's very public freak out (Remember when the terms "winning" and "tiger blood" were funny? Me neither.), the show seemed to be over. It should have been over. The world of Two and a Half Men should have been Charlie and Ducky and the Half-Man. Now there's some weird added chapter about Kelso moving in with Charlie's family or whatever? Why? Who wants that? What does this final chapter of the TaaHM story--and trust me, this is sooooooo the final chapter--add to anything? You're already in syndication, guys. Why not hang it up.

Listen, if you've got to watch
Two and a Half Men tonight to win a bet or something, do it, but everybody else, c'mon. Let's not do what CBS already knows were all gonna do and turn the channel after tonight's 1-hour premiere of How I Met Your Mother. The reason "they" keep renewing shows that should've been put to sleep seasons ago or thrusting former cast members of That 70's Show in our faces year after year, is because we keep going back again and again. The networks know this, so they're not gonna stop clogging the airwaves with unfunny bullshit. It's our fault ultimately.

Or maybe I'm just an asshole. My Ashton Kutcher on
Two and Half Men is going to revolutionize the sit-com. If so, will somebody just tell me about, because I am never, never going to see it. Come 9:00 tonight, I'm-a be knee deep in some Golden Girls, bitch!


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Sunday, September 18, 2011

Nipple Slips, Full Moons and Beaver Shots, Oh My: Sexy Mysteries Exposed

Last week, some piece of human garbage (see also "hero worthy of endless praise") hacked Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson's cellphone and posted the nude pictures of the gorgeous starlet contained within. It was a heinous invasion of privacy, and as such, I refuse to post said pictures on this site. I am however not above providing a link to them. Here is the link. (That probably ain't gonna be around long, folks, but chances are you've seen the pics already. Good for you. Sickos.)

When I heard that photos of a naked ScarJo had miraculously found their way onto the internets, I was pretty excited. Call me a perv, but I likes me the pretty ladies, and Johansson is about as pretty as they come. I hadn't been this excited since I heard rumors of a Paige Davis sex tape. I'm not kidding.

Since the beginning of time, mankind has longed to see naked pictures of their betters. Don't believe me? Crack a history book for once in your life, dummy! I've long considered the peeping of ill-gotten celebrity nude pics, sex tapes, and forgotten Playboy spreads as America's true national past time. Forget baseball! I'd rather search the Web for pictures of Helen Mirren in Caligula or Mena Suvari pumping gas in her yoga pants. Those two examples, and many others I could sight but won't because I don't feel like, are easy to find. Don't believe me? Do a Google image search for "mena suvari in yoga pants." I can wait.

The pics we really want to see are the ones we've only heard about second hand, usually from a person who heard it second from some other creep. These are the holy grails of sex pics. Over the years it has become my personal goal to find these long rumored pictures and videos, and add them to my creepy, creepy archives (For reals. They are creepy. Ask anyone.). Here is a list of just a few of the rumored pornographic memorabilias I am looking for. If you've got a lead on any of them, let me know. I'd pay top dollar. Or just steal them from you at gunpoint. Probably the latter, if I'm being honest. OK. Here's the list:

-the Estelle Getty gangbang tape

-Jason Bigg's audition tape for Puppetry of the Penis

-Louie Anderson taint slip at the Bebe's Kids premiere

-the Kevin Smith/Katy Bates sex tape

-Oprah Winfrey scrotum slip at The Brady Bunch Movie premiere

-the Gilbert Gottfried Makes Love to a Futon video

-Barney the Dinosaur nip slip

-Gort dick pic

-the George Lopez Pleasures Himself to an Episode of Empty Nest tape

-Lady Gaga triple tit slip

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Saturday, September 17, 2011

Killer Monkey Smack-Down: Film 2

Title: Konga

Killer Monkey: Konga

What the heck?: Charles Decker, a respected British botanist, crash lands somewhere in the African jungle and disappears. Several months later, Decker emerges from the wild, unscathed and eager to prove his latest theory that plants are the evolutionary connection between man and whatever came before man. Amoebas or whatever. Anyway, Decker plans to prove this crackpot theory with the help of Konga, a chimp buddy he hooked up with in the jungle. By injecting Konga with a strange green elixir made from the leaves of some ludicrously large venus flytraps, carnivorous pitcher plants, and something that looks like a giant purple penis with a wagging tongue (ew), Decker successfully turns the chimp into, first, a larger chimp, and finally, a man in a shoddy gorilla costume. Decker than hypnotizes Konga to attack and murder his rivals, both personal and professional. When Decker's housekeeper/lab assistant/wife/doormat, Margaret, catches the psychotic scientist tongue raping a student in his greenhouse of horrors--those penis plants! those horrible, horrible penis plants!--she injects Konga with more serum than one gorilla-suited man can conceivably take, and the Big Ben-sized super beast breaks free from Decker's lab, taking a leisurely stroll around London, being extra careful not to knock over any buildings or step on any of the horrified citizenry.

What's to like: Michael Gough's delightfully intense performance as Dr. Decker.

What's to not like: the special effects are shoddy even by 1961 standards; the film waits so long to super-size Konga, that by the time he does grow to extraordinary heights, the movie only has 10 minutes left until the credits; absolutely none of the destruction featured in the film's poster ever happens; it literally took me three days to watch this thing and no one should have to spend three days with Konga.

The truth: Konga is pretty awful, but worse, it's boring. Michael Gough is fun to watch. He refuses to give a phoned in performance in a movie that deserves nothing more.

Next time: Will we take a shine to Monkey Shines?


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Thursday, September 15, 2011

Stop Already: Tom Brady Says "Drink and Drive, Kids!"

When asked by reporters how he thinks fans should prepare themselves for this Sunday's Patriots-Chargers match-up, quarterback Tom Brady said:

...start drinking early...[g]et nice and rowdy. 4:15 game, lot of time to get lubed up. Come out here, and cheer for the home team."

And America fell apart. The seas boiled over and rivers turned to blood. The sky turned black and the earth quaked, reducing buildings to dust, turning formerly alive people into crushed corpses. The Devil arose from his throne in Hell, entered our world through a vast portal, and tore Heaven from the skies, squishing the heads of angels and cherubs in his diamond-sharp teeth. Then the Earth exploded and everyone died.

Don't remember any of that? That's because NONE OF IT HAPPENED! Tom Brady encouraged football fans to drink a couple beers and have a good time. That's all. Some people, including members of the Patriots organization, acted as if it were the end of the world however. Stacey James, vice president in charge of media for the Patriots, assured those affected by Brady's atrocious sentiments, that the handsome quarterback was simply reminding people to "stay hydrated, drink a lot of water, be loud, [and] drink responsibly."

Shut the fuck up! He wasn't telling people to fill up their commemorative Patriots water bottles at the tap before skipping down to the stadium through a field of wildflowers. He was encouraging Patriots fans to drink. Drink beer. Shitloads of it.

What are we, a nation of born-again toddlers? Is there one person in these United States who doesn't fully understand that football and rowdy drunken behavior go together like fried chicken and waffles? Like John Locke and Ben Linus? Like me and Child's Play movies? Beer and football are cornerstones of this great nation and you've got to have your head up multiple peoples' asses (or one big fat guy's ass, if that's easier...actually, that's probably a lot easier, isn't it?) to not know that. I'm not saying you gotta do a keg-stand every time you hear the opening chords to that awful Hank Williams Jr. song, I'm merely pointing out the fact that to not recognize the companionship shared between American football and beer is to admit that you are a lunkhead of the highest, and thus dumbest, order. Just STOP ALREADY!

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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Killer Monkey Smack-Down: Film 1

Title: Link

Killer Monkey: Link, the Master of Fire and Monkey Butlering.

What the heck?: Jane Chase, an American studying zoology at a British university, becomes a lab/life assistant for an English scientist she admires, Dr. Steven Phillip. Dr. Phillip is forced to perform his monkey studies in a large country manor on the edge of a treacherous cliff, as the university doesn't want any of his crazy apes hanging around campus. Phillip's monkey subjects include Voodoo, a violent female ape prone to rage episodes; Imp, a puckish baby chimp with a sinister secret and a pronounced butthole; and the titular Link, who is obviously an orangutan spray-painted black. Soon after Jane's arrival, Link starts to display a before unseen belligerence toward the doctor and his monkey housemates. Somehow aware that Dr. Phillip has hired someone to put him to sleep, Link murders the doctor and tosses him down a well, killing Voodoo in the process. Alone in the doctor's mansion with a homicidal ape, Jane, who is so far unaware of Link's murderous tendencies, searches for the doctor's whereabouts (Link has pushed Phillip's car off the aforementioned treacherous cliffs). Meanwhile, Imp, who can communicate through a special computer, repeatedly warns Jane that Link is dangerous. Jane realizes this all just a little too late, and when Jane's boyfriend and his two goofy classmates roll up to check in on her, Link goes completely apeshit.

What's to like: the whimsical score ratchets up the tension of each and every scene of monkey-on-man violence; Terrance Stamp as Dr. Phillip is a delight, as is a young Elizabeth Shue as Jane; the last scene before the end credits roll is cleverly sinister.

What's to not like: I feel kind of bad for the orangutan who played Link having to be painted black and smoke cigars day after day.


The truth: I'm not gonna lie, Link is going to be hard to beat. It's fun, it's got a monkey dressed as a butler, and we get to see a nubile Elizabeth Shue naked. I can't say for sure yet, but Link stands a pretty good chance of being victorious in this smackdown.

Next time: King Kong - King + the letter "a" + more British people = disaster???


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Monday, September 12, 2011

Entourage: Never Forget

By now, we've all had time to mourn the end of HBO's Entourage in our own ways. Sure, life just won't be the same without Vinnie, Drama, Turtle, and E, but they'll forever live in our hearts, getting into adventures and just generally bro-ing it up. Who knows what a post-Entourage world will look like. I don't. I kinda don't want to. Right now, I just want to bask in the sweet, sweet memories.

A week before the series finale aired, I took a moment to reflect on Entourage and write down my personal predictions for how it would all pan out for Vin and the boys. I made some fairly standard, realistic predictions for our heroes, but for fun, I also made some "longshot predictions." I sealed these various guesstimations in an envelope not to be opened until after the grand finale Sunday night. Well, I've watched it and now it's time to crack open the envelope and see how I did.

Vincent Chase:

My prediction: Vinnie will start a serious relationship with the pretty British journalist who interviewed him two episodes back.

What happened: Vinnie went on a 24-hour date with the pretty British journalist who interviewed him two episodes back and decided that they should get married in Paris.

Longshot prediction: The entire series was the dream of recent college dropout Vincent Chase. He wakes from the 8 season long dream on a plane--the first plane to hit the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:

My prediction: Having been told CBS is going to make his "man and his dog save a team of trapped miners" movie, Drama spends the series finale not doing much of anything.

What happened: Having been told CBS is going to make his "man and his dog save a team of trapper miners" movie, Drama spent the series finale not doing much of anything.

Longshot prediction: During a voice-over session for Johnny's animated series Johnny Bananas, a distraught Andrew Dice Clay loses his mind and guns down everybody in the recording booth. Before firing a single bullet into Johnny's brain, a weeping Dice admits, "You were the only one I ever loved, Drama. You and that hooker." Fade to black. Gunshot. Credits.

Eric Murphy:

My prediction: Eric and Sloan get back together.

What happened: Eric and Sloan got back together.

Longshot prediction: Eric and Sloan get back together. Ten straight minutes of graphic, full-penetration sex follows.

Turtle:

My prediction: Turtle becomes a successful restauranteur after the opening of Don Pepe's Hollywood.

What happened: Turtle didn't do shit. Didn't he have a restaurant to open?

Longshot prediction: Turtle finally reveals the origin of his nickname. Turns out, Turtle is an ACTUAL TURTLE, specifically one of those giant tortoises that live to be hundreds of years old. In the final moments of the episode, Turtle pops off his shirt to reveal a large shell, out of which he pulls a massive bong. Everyone gets super high.

Ari Gold:

My prediction: Ari and his wife get back together.

What happened: Ari and his wife got back together.

Longshot prediction: Jeremy Piven breaks character to apologize to everyone in America.
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Sunday, September 11, 2011

A Perving Out Tribute to Entourage

Tonight America says good-bye to a show that has successfully spun its wheels for eight sometimes pretty OK seasons, Entourage. To celebrate, Giant Electric Penguin is ignoring Entourage's male leads (especially Turtle) and posting pictures of our favorite women from the series. Good-bye, Entourage. Thanks for the memories. And the mammaries. Seriously. There were boobs on this show, like, all the time.






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Saturday, September 10, 2011

Ultimate Burger Smack-Down: Burger #2: Bobby Flay's Cheyenne Burger

Who knows burgers better than celebrity chef Bobby Flay? Perhaps J. Wellington Wimpy, but probably no one else. Actually, Wimpy was more a crack addict for hamburgers than burger-inventing wunderkind like Flay. Let's give this round to Flay.

Anybody who isn't a complete moron knows that turkey burgers are where it's at. I often judge an entire restaurant by their turkey burger or whether they offer a turkey burger at all. It's true. I'd make a horrible food critic. "What, this Japanese steakhouse doesn't serve turkey burgers? Automatic thumbs down!" I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love a good turkey burger. Heck, I like a so-so turkey burger. A meh turkey burger, I can do without. The Cheyenne (pictured above), well, I'd run over my own parents to get at one of those bad boys. Lookit that thing, man! That is just a tower of cheesy, bacony, barbecuey, turkeyey goodness! And Flay is nice enough to offer the recipe for its creation on the Food Network website.

I'm just gonna say it: this Thanksgiving, I want a Cheyenne!

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Friday, September 9, 2011

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Puppet Stand Up Smack-Down

Title: Terry Fator: Live from Las Vegas

What the heck?: America's Got Talent? winner/former Freedom Jam lead singer, Terry Fator, takes his ventriloquist act to Las Vegas, delighting a crowd of buffet-stuffed tourists who think they like that sort of thing because TV told them so. Fator is joined by his puppet friends Winston the Impersonating Turtle, who warbles a Roy Orbison tune so sweet one woman in the audience looks like she'd gladly blow the puppet if given the chance; Walter T. Airedale, the rowdy redneck country singer/cancer survivor; Maynard Thomkins, who looks like Unknown Hinson crossed with an ape; and a weird, ugly troll, allegedly named Emma, who opens the show with "At Last."

Number of times I genuinely laughed: 2

Genuine laugh #1: Seeing a woman in the audience singing along with Winston, I comment to myself, "She should kill herself."

Genuine laugh #2: While having a conversation with Walter, Fator, dressed as and doing an impression of the late Michael Jackson, accidentally makes Walter speak in a Jacksony falsetto, breaking the rhythm of the stupid, unfunny bit.

What's to like: Fator seems like a nice enough guy and he's been at this stuff for a long time, so, you know, good for him or whatever; my parents saw Fator's show when they were in Vegas and they were delighted.

What's to not like: Walter actually says this: "I'm the kinda guy who can make Sheryl crow...have Carrie under wood...and leave Clay achin'."; Fator honors members of the American military with a Michael Buble impression; shortly after winning America's Got Talent, Fator divorced his wife of over twelve years and married this young lady. Typical ventriloquist/reality show winner/millionaire behavior.

Running time: 1 hour 10 minutes

I watched: 44 minutes

Title: Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity

What the heck?: Dunham and his menagerie of puppety oddballs perform for another insanely overjoyed audience--do people really love ventriloquism this much???--this time in Washington, DC. Dunham's puppet buddies include: Walter, a sour-faced elderly man that Dunham uses to work through his own self-hatred; Achmed the Dead Terrorist, a turban-wearing skeleton who repeatedly threatens the audience with death to the point of tedium; Melvin, a superhero with a giant nose who never once utters anything remotely funny; and Peanut, a weird shaved Yeti. Apparently Jose the Racist Jalapeno on a Stick shows up at some point, but I must have turned the TV off before then.

Number of times I genuinely laughed: 0

What's to like: Nothing. This shit is dire.

What's to not like: Dunham opens his show with 17 puppet-less minutes of stand up. Topics include: how great the United States is, how gay the Prius is, how super not gay Hummers are, and dog abuse. I soooo wanted someone in the audience to shout, "Get to the racist puppets!" but they never did; Dunham is constantly laughing at his puppets' dumb, hacky jokes; the Melvin puppet is a real dud; one hour in, and still no racist pepper.

Running time: 1 hour 20 minutes

I watched: 1 hour 5 minutes (with LOTS of fast forwarding!)

And the winner is...TERRY FATOR: LIVE FROM LAS VEGAS, but only because I actually laughed. Both specials are awful. Fator at least has the vocal impressions going for him (he's pretty good at singing like other singers). Dunham's Walter is preferable to Fator's Walter, but only because Fator's Walter is a thing of which nightmares are made. Old man Walter is just an unpleasant, farting old man, and who doesn't like one of those now and again?


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Sunday, September 4, 2011

Ultimate Burger Smack-Down: Burger #1: The Wolfpack (Tribeca Tavern)

Say hello to this burger that I ate recently. Do it. This is the Wolfpack burger from Tribeca Tavern in Raleigh. What makes the Wolfpack so special, you ask, well how 'bout the fact that it's two 5oz beef patties topped with NC pepper-jack, pepper bacon, BBQ sauce, fried onion straws, lettuce, tomato & onion? Is that special enough for you, Jack? And just so Jack doesn't feel like I'm unfairly ganging up on him: Is that special enough for you, everybody else?

This delicious hamburger got me thinking: I like hamburgers and it's the September of Smack-Downs at Giant Electric Penguin. Why not host a month-long burger smack-down? That oughta kill some time 'til October. So, that's just what we're doing. We'll pit hamburgers against turkey burgers against veggie burgers against any other kind of ground meat you can form into a patty, fry on a grill, and shove between two pieces of bread. Now, I won't necessarily be eating all of the burgers we feature--I'm trying to cut back on my red meat consumption--but I hope to eat at least a few of our contenders. Right now, the Wolfpack is the burger to beat. A winner will be announced September 30th. May the best hunk of grilled meat (or smushed up vegetables) win!


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Friday, September 2, 2011

Ballsy Behavior brought on by Mentos-Fueled Overconfidence Smack-Down

1. Fashion Faux Pas


It's the night of the "big premiere," and Blondie has torn her gown. No problem-o! She pops a Mentos-brand mint candy and destroys her dress further, revealing a perfectly hemmed mini-skirt at the commercial's thrilling conclusion.

Question: What kind of spotlight-worthy event do couples in gowns and tuxedos drive themselves to?

2. Lucky at the Lake


A young man leaves his car keys on his friends' boat and retrieves them with the help of a little boy and his remote control toy, much to the delight of the bemused old man reading a newspaper on the dock.

Questions: Who the hell is that old man reading the newspaper on the dock? And why is he reading a newspaper on a dock? He can't read his newspaper at home where he isn't going to be constantly distracted by Mentos-chomping teenagers? Is the old man with the boy? If not, who is supervising this boy?

3. Won Wacky Wedding


Three soccer buddies kick their ball into a backyard wedding reception. Rather than simply asking for it back, one of the aforementioned soccer buddies pops a Mentos, orally molests the bride, and crashes the wedding. You won't hear any complaints from the old man guarding the reception from floppy-haired soccer enthusiasts however, especially not ones brandishing a half-eaten tube of Mentos.

Question: Why don't they just ask for their soccer ball back?

4. Crosswalk Craziness


A wild-eyed surfer dude with an axe to grind against corporate America and the fat cats who make money off the blood and sweat of the common man, detours through one posh commuter's car when he finds the crosswalk blocked. The man is so utterly flabbergasted, he momentarily stops talking on his fancy car phone. Everything is made better when the defiant surf punk shoves a tube of Mentos candies in the corporate sell-out's face. Old and young/rich and poor become united in candy.

Question: He could've just walked around the back of the guy's car, right? Or waited.

5. Eff You, Grandma!


A bro trying to hang out with his friends at the mall, almost has his day ruined when his clearly senile grandmother--an umbrella indoors, really?--tries to get his attention and probably embarrass him and stuff. Thanks to some quick thinking--and a mouthful of Mentos candy--the bro hides amongst a group of mannequins, successfully avoiding his grandma. Way to go, bro!

Question: Why is there a mannequin display in the middle of the mall? Aren't those usually in storefront windows and such? And why is Bro's grandmother so understanding when her grandson reveals his deception? Look at the way she smiles and shakes her umbrella. And what if, like most grandmas, she was just trying to give Bro some money? "I know you like the Pearl Jams, Bro. Is 75-dollars enough for one of their 8-track recordings? I'm not so good with my limited income."

6. Parents Just Don't Understand (The Power of Mentos)


A whore hides the fact that she is banging her scuzzy boyfriend under her parents' roof. Mentos are involved.

Question: Why doesn't the boyfriend help his girlfriend think of something? We get shot after shot of her attempting to formulate a plan, repeatedly going to him for ideas, and he doesn't do anything but sit there like an idiot. And how do I know they just "did it?" Simple. True, both teenagers are fully clothed, but, if you'll notice, the parents are obviously getting home from a lengthy vacation (lots of luggage; Dad is wearing a straw hat; etc.). You don't really think the daughter invited her boyfriend over mere seconds from when her parents were supposed to return home, do you? They've been boning out all weekend, man.

7. Parallel Parking Problem Psolved


A young lady, inspired by Mentos, enlists three burly hunks (and a weird fat guy in a baseball cap) to help move her car after a slick business type blocks her in. The slick business type finds this delightful.

Question: Anyone else thing Mentos may have jumped the shark with this one?

And the winner is...#4. Crosswalk Craziness! This one's a classic and I like how the protagonist seems just a shade on the crazy side, like, he could throttle the business man with his own car phone just as easily as he could eat a Mentos and crawl harmlessly through the man's back seat.



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Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Hottest Back to School Trend This Year: Sexism!

Parents were pissed, and rightfully so, when a t-shirt featuring the message "I'm too pretty to do homework, so my brother has to do it for me" made its debut on the J.C. Penney Web site this week.

What you may not have heard is that this wasn't the only rampantly sexist t-shirt for girls featured on the retail giant's site. In fact, the "I'm too pretty to do math" shirt was the merely tip of the iceberg as far as this guy (Note: I am pointing at myself) is concerned. Somehow, GEP got its hands on some of the other t-shirt messages that left parents foaming with rage earlier this week. I warn you, these t-shirt messages are EXTREMELY sexist and do not reflect the thoughts, feelings or beliefs of anyone associated with this blog. These shirts are sick! As the father of a daughter, I am both shocked and appalled!

-"My other graduation gown is a string bikini!"

-"Reading, writing & arithmetic--my boyfriend does that junk for me while I'm shopping for bras!"

-"Why learn to read? I'm gonna have boobs soon anyway!"

-"Last I heard, you don't need a scholarship for stripper school."

-"Who needs brains when you've got cleavage?"

-"I'm too pretty to take the SAT, so I'll have my step-dad's widowed business partner take it for me!"

-"Let's ditch Life Science and hitchhike to Hef's place!"

-"Got an 'F' in Algebra--"F" for "French kissed the teacher in the back seat of his Prius after school.'"

-"Math is hard. Can I just suck your dick?"

-"I'm a stupid bitch!"

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And now it's September...


Welcome to September. Or as we like to call it 'round here

THE SEPTEMBER OF SMACK-DOWNS!

This month, Giant Electric Penguin is bringin' back the smack-down in a big way! You won't believe how much smacking in a downward trajectory will be going on this month. For serious, you guys. We're gonna be smacking down so much stuff, you'll need a neck brace. And a sippy cup. And probably your mama. Wuss!

This month:

*Puppets battle puppets for your twisted amusement!

*Butt-kicking chicks engage in an angry, sweat-drenched orgy of violence and kicking!

*The most EPIC MONKEY SMACK-DOWN in recorded history!

*A month-long burger smack-down you'll have to eat to believe!!!

*And so much more!!!

Don't get left behind--make sure you visit GEP every day this September! And tell your friends. Provided you have any. Hell, tell your imaginary friends. Then create Twitter accounts for those imaginary friends and follow GEP on Twitter (@giantpengy). And if you have time after that, think about creating Facebook pages for those imaginary friends of yours and have them "like" us on there. Then, with the remaining time you have left after doing all that stuff, weep softly.

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