2. The bloody tale of Elizabeth Bathory is horrifying on two levels, depending on how you look at it. First, if the Hungarian countess actually committed every sordid crime she was accused of, then she is by all rights, one sick bitch. However, there is a contigency that claims she was innocent of the murderous acts of which she was accused, and if this is the case, the last years of her life were both sad and unfair. For our spooky purposes here, let's assume she was a howling mad psycho killer. Bathory was accused of several heinous acts including amateur surgery on kidnapped victims, torture of all kinds, rampant sexual abuse, mild cannibalism, and bathing in the blood of virgins to keep herself youthful and vivacious. It is this last act of cruelty that has continued to capture the imaginations of artists and blog writers alike, from the boys of Sweden's premiere Satanic heavy metal band Ghost to horror director Eli Roth.
3. Look, I like dogs just fine, but I prefer to have cats around. They're less trouble. You provide them with food and water, a box to shit in, and a lap to curl up in when the mood strikes them, and you're done. We can go on vacation for a long weekend, fill the cat's bowl to the brim, and he's set. Now, I don't know what goes on in the mind of an animal. Maybe he thinks he's been abandoned and mopes around the house for four days, but I doubt it. Our cat doesn't seem to care if we're home or not. Sometimes that's frustrating, but mostly I'm fine with it.
Dogs are always in your face. They gotta know you're thinking about them. Dogs are exhausting. My sister has this dog that won't leave me alone. She's a cute little thing, but, geez, after awhile it starts to feel a little desparate. Plus, dogs are dumb--yeah, I said it--you leave a bowl of kibble out for them for the weekend and they've got it eaten in ten minutes. And don't get me started on the state your rugs are gonna be in when you get home. You've gotta take care of your dogs, people. Here's what happens when you don't.
Seven dogs starved of food and water for two weeks are suspected of eating their Indonesian owner after he returned to his hometown in Manado from a holiday, local media reported on Tuesday.
A neighborhood guard was curious when he saw luggage lined up at the front of Andre Lumboga's house, days after the 50-year old arrived back home. He approached the house, smelled something foul and called the police, according to a report.
"His skull was found in the kitchen, and his body was found in the front of his house..."
This dude's dogs ate him! He left his dogs to fend for themselves and when he got home they ate him, ripped his skin off with their teeth and stripped him bare. They found the man's skull in the kitchen. Not his head...HIS SKULL! Feed your pets, people. OK. If you do nothing more for them, at least feed them. You'll only have yourself to blame if authorities find your meatless skull on the kitchen floor.
4. I read about Herman Webster Mudgett, AKA Dr. Henry Howard Holmes, AKA H. H. Holmes, AKA Ol' Killy-Pants, for the first time this month. He is widely considered the first serial killer in American history. Good for you, H. H. And how did Mr. Holmes dispatch his unfortunate victims? If you guessed "murder castle," you're correct. H. H. Holmes built himself an old fashioned "murder castle"--or "kill motel," if you prefer--and used it to mass murder possibly 200 visitors to the Chicago World's Fair in 1893. And just what went on in Holmes' "hotel of horrors?" Tell us, Wikipedia:
Wait. Really? There's more to it than that, isn't there? Let's check out the customer reviews real quick:
I don't think I need to say very much on this to make the point that this book should never have been published, much less bought.
It's a book about bestiality, having sex with animals. Who does this sort of thing, then thinks, "Oh yeah, I'll write a book about it."
You sicken me, Brenner, and every other sane person in this world likely feels the same way.
Hmmmm. Still not getting it. Let's look at another one:
This book is a chilling account of a man's sexual relations with a dolphin, and that sentence should be enough to justify this book's removal from Amazon.com. If any administrator of Amazon.com reads this, I plead with you to remove this book from your site. I don't want to threaten not to buy here again because this is a great site, but at least have some censorship when it pertains to this kind of writing. It is sick, cruel, and actually justifies the heinous act of bestiality, which is animal abuse, with a supposedly sensual "love story" to get to readers. Once again, I beg you to remove this book from your site.
I feel like I've almost got it, like, it's right on the tip of my tongue:
Alright, while people do have the right to freely write whatever they feel like, THIS IS A MASSIVE EXCEPTION!!!! This book focuses on his love affair with DOLPHINS! Ladies and gentlemen, this man is making money by writing about BESTIALITY!!!!! Come on people!
Oh. I see. Apparently, this guy fucked a dolphin and wrote a book about it. Wait...REALLY?!?
Yes, he really did. Malcolm J. Brenner carried on a romantic relationship with a dolphin and wrote Wet Goddess so everyone in the world could experience the love the two of them shared. He also created a creepy Web site devoted to his love of dolphin vag and maintains a dolphin-porking blog, called Wet Goddess: Blog. Yep, I just threw up a little in my mouth. And a lot in this toilet.
Having worked at a Large Aquarium I have witnessed Dolphins getting frisky with trainers.
I asked if what I saw was what I think I saw was happening and the trainer said "Yes, just like a dog trying to hump your leg but they are a bit smarter and know were to go".....I said "are you putting me on" ?
No, she explained it was quite common and that is why they wear a very strong protective wetsuit to prevent
such indecent. Also it could be extremely dangerous if someone was swimming with one alone in a flimsy
bikini because male dolphins penises are about 12" in length and have a cartilage like bone that could damage the insides of a person. I ask what about female dolphins and she explained it would be equally dangerous because the female dolphin can control her muscles and squeeze with such pressure that could be life threatening to a human male if one was to attempt such an act. So as outrageous as this book is it is certainly plausibly this book is true, however the author was risking his life and I would not recommend anyone to try to duplicate the actions of the author. But don't we all risky life and limb when it comes to love ?
I've never riskied "life and limb" when it came to love. I've never feared that my wife's vagina was going to crush my penis and render me a eunuch. I don't worry about dismemberment and permanent scarring in my love life because as a general rule I DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS.
Happy Halloween, everybody! Check back soon to discover November's theme! It's a good one!