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Friday, March 9, 2012

BLANK meets BLANK: 17 Movie Pitches Too Insipid Even For Hollywood (Prolly)

I could write something super reactionary and bloggy here and be all, like, "Hollywood doesn't make good movies anymore. All they do is crank out sequels, reboots, and remakes, and every single one of them sucks mud!" I could write that, but I won't. This sentiment has been shared before, by bloggers sloppier and more unshaven than I. Also, it's simply not true. Plenty of good movies pop up here and there every year, you've just got to know where to look and, I guess, have the desire to want to seek them out. The sad truth is, as long as the majority of the moviegoing public wants sparkly vampires, warring space robots, and inexplicable actioners based on board games, that's what we're going to get. Vote with your dollar. Blah blah blah.

Anyway, instead of complaining about the state of modern moviedom on a blog three people read (thanks, you three!!!), GEP has decided to take action against Hollywood's perceived unwillingness to try anything new and exciting. No, we're not going to pitch our best movie ideas--those will go with us to the mass grave our future robot overlords toss us into when the inevitable robo-takeover commences. Our plan is to pitch ideas so utterly inane, that the studios will have no choice but to go, "Wait, is this really what we're doing now? A fourth Transformers? This blog's snark has inspired me to try harder. To do better." Or something.

Our pitches will be laid out in the classic style of "[INSERT MOVIE HERE] meets [INSERT DIFFERENT MOVIE HERE], because it is easy.

For the record, the "Whatever-the-hell meets Whatever-the-shit" thing never works. I was recently telling a friend about my #2 favorite movie of 2011 Hanna and described it--against my better judgement, mind you--as "art house meets the Bourne movies." I don't know what I was thinking, OK? Stop judging me. The moment I said it, my friend made a frowny face and I knew I had failed. So, yeah.

So, listen up, Hollywood! We got some pitches for ya. Remember: you are NOT to make any of the movies on this list. I repeat, you are NOT to make any of these movies. If you do, however, how 'bout tossing a couple million bucks GEP's way?

1. Die Hard meets Flatliners
2. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? meets Schindler's List
3. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants meets The Thing
4. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan meets Everyone Says I Love You
5. Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer meets Irreversible
4. Donnie Darko meets Sleepless in Seattle
5. Snakes on a Plane meets Paul Blart: Mall Cop (that might not be that bad actually)
6. Meet the Parents meets Meet the Feebles
7. My Left Foot meets Jackass: The Movie
8. Toy Story meets Seven
9. Crank 2 meets Dancer in the Dark
10. Godzilla meets Winter's Bone (I might see that one)
11. Surviving the Game meets American Beauty
12. Sophie's Choice meets The Pit
13. The Bourne Identity meets Somewhere in Time
14. Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation meets Hostel 2
15. The Day the Earth Stood Still meets Love Actually
16. Dawn of the Dead meets Serendipity
17. Humanoids from the Deep meets Valentine's Day

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