In this paragraph, which I'm going to go ahead and call "The Second Paragraph," I'm guessing most of you are expecting me to crack wise on Mtv's reality horror show that was Jersey Shore. Many of you probably want me to poke fun at Snooki for her unnatural love of pickles and showing her vagina to any and every one. Or complain about how Mike tries to work his ridiculous nickname into every other sentence. Or scoff at Vinnie's "Let Go and Let God" chest tattoo. Or compare Jwoww's appearance in the final season to that of an anorexic praying mantis. Or suggest that instead of a brain, Deena's skull contains a spinning hamster wheel. You might be expecting these things, but you will not get them, because I, Matt Lawson, very much like Jersey Shore.
I love that Snooki loves pickles so much. I love pickles too! I like that Deena is dumb. I don't tune in to watch her do math equations on a giant white board. I watch because she gets drunk and falls off of couches. Watching Ronnie punch some greased up guido in the chops is like listening to a beautiful symphony. Seeing Jwoww parade around in a series of outfits that would embarrass a stripper puts a little spring in my step. And, let's face it, Pauly D and Vinny's budding bromance is one of the most fulfilling and beautiful relationships on television today. They love each other so friggin' much, bro!
I don't know why I like Jersey Shore so much. On the surface, it does not appear to be in my wheelhouse, as "they" say. I don't hang around with douchebags in my day-to-day life, and yet I tune in to watch these douchebags drink, fight, hump, and stab each other in the back every Thursday night. And I don't think they're douchebags. Anymore. I did when Season 1 reared it's greasy head waaaaaaay back in 2009. "Ugh, what's this, a sideshow?" I snarked, tuning in to point and laugh at the stupid dumb dummies. Then those same tanned stupids were whisked off to Miami and I was all, like, "Oh brudder, I don't know how much more of these dum-dums I can take." And then I realized I was watching every episode. And not just once. I would watch the same episode over and over again. My wife and I would lose ourselves in Jersey Shore weekend marathons. I found myself rooting for Snooki in her quest to smoosh Vinny. I wept alongside Ronnie and Sammi as they attempted to navigate the minefield that is First Love. I cheered each time Pauly D bellowed one of his charming catch phrases ("Yeah, buddy!; "Cabs are heah!"; "Oh, yeah, [INSERT WORD HERE], yeah!). I didn't just want to watch MVP enjoy T-shirt Time...I wanted to be there enjoying T-shirt Time with them!
Listen, I don't know what it is about Jersey Shore that keeps me coming back like a junkie. Maybe it's that whole "everybody likes a good train wreck" thing, though, to be honest, I'm not really that into checking out train wrecks. They're probably pretty awful, all that twisted metal and severed limbs strewn every which way. Jersey Shore isn't a train wreck, but I don't know what it is. It's dumb people doing things I hate (excessive drinking, going to clubs, working out, etc.), yet I can't get enough.
Obviously my love of Jersey Shore is something I've got to work through and I'm going to do so all this week, as we countdown the days until we all say our final good-byes. I don't know what a world without Jersey Shore is going to look like, to be honest with you. Probably a little less orange, but maybe a little less fun too.