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Thursday, March 15, 2012

Eff You Jersey Jerks: A Revealing Look Back to January 17, 2011

[Boy, has my tune changed. Such vitriol. Still funny, but, wow. I guess I've become what I once hated. I still don't have any desire to dine with any of these people. "Nighty-night fist pump" is damn hilarious though. I gotta give myself a fist pump for that one. Not of the nighty-night variety, you perv!]


It's good to be passionate about something. If human beings didn't have hobbies or distractions that we visited from time to time, we'd probably go insane. My life would be empty without movies and comic books, just as yours might if someone took away all of your Star Wars action figures or the VHS copies of the She-Ra series you keep under your bed. Reading, model-building, stamp collecting, international travel, bird watching, sports betting, smoking: these are just a fraction of the extra-curricular pursuits that make life worth living. It can't all be working and family! It can't be! We've got to make time for our passions.

Of course, some passions are stupid, like,
this young lady's. She loves the Mtv "reality" program Jersey Shore. How much does she love it? This much:


This makes my soul hurt. In a world full of noble pursuits, Daniela has decided to devote whatever spare time she has to a television program about four misogynists, three foul-mouthed slutbags, and an orange-tinted, pickle-sucking cave troll who live together in a wood-paneled hovel on the New Jersey shore and spend their entire summer listlessly and lovelessly humping any vagina/penis that wanders into their bleary-eyed field of vision and perpetrating a negative Italian-American stereotype that has most regular, hard-working, non-orange Italian-Americans longing for the days of The Sopranos and the Godfather movies. That's what Daniela likes, nay, loves. But don't take my word for it:

"Everyone knows I am obsessed with all things Jersey Shore. I own a TEAM SNOOKI tshirt and I also have a Jersey Shore poster in my room. My life REVOLVES around Jersey Shore. If i win this dinner with Ronnie my dreams would come true and I would absolutely die inside SO EVERYONE HAS TO ATTEND. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND."

No, we understand. You're sick. In your brain.

For those of you don't know, Jersey Shore's Ronnie is famous for being the guy who repeatedly cheated on his girlfriend, Shore castmate Sammi, and denying it until an anonymous letter spelling out each and every one of his indiscretions was passed along to said girlfriend. Don't worry, as of Season 3 Episode 2, they're still together. Yes, apparently when you are a respected member of the Jersey Shore elite, you can treat your lady like a pile of dog vomit and continue to expect her undying devotion along with your nightly hand-job, or as the guido community calls it, a "nighty-night fist pump." This is who Daniela wants to break bread with at some point. My soul just vomited.

Here now is a list of passions GEP deems far more acceptable than a passion for the Jersey Shore program. Feel free to choose a new one from this list, Daniela. In the end, we think you'll be a whole lot happier.

-toy trains
-Big Band music
-ironic t-shirts
-crime scene photography
-butter churning
-Disney World pin collecting
-gasoline huffing
-Harry Potter fan fiction
-knitting sweaters from hairballs
-Precious Moments figurines
-upskirt photography
-heavy/death/black metal
-Nazi memorabilia

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