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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Gym, Tan...WRITING?!?!?!?

So, maybe you're one of those stuffed-shirts who looks at the cast of Jersey Shore as nothing more than a pack of yammering, orange-tinted buffoons, put on this earth to mock and disparage; brain-dead sex robots fueled by pasta and suntan lotion; fat-headed jerks with less than a single brain cell to share between, a brain cell that is in danger of tumbling from their cavernous skulls to be crushed on the sweaty dance floor at Karma. Well, I just have one question for you: have you ever written a book? The Jersey Shore has.

OK. Maybe you have written a book, but was it ever published or are you like that sad Jeopardy contestant who is referred to as a writer during his Johnny Gilbert intro, but during his "getting-to-know-you chat" admits that he has written three science fiction novels that only his mother has read? You're probably like that guy. Or maybe you are that guy. If so, what's Alex Trebek like? I have a feeling that he's nice.

Anyway, when certain members of Jersey Shore cast aren't tanning, fighting or drinking to excess, they're writing. Books! Real, honest-to-God books you can hold in your hand, read with your eyes, and toss into the garbage can with that same aforementioned hand when you finish.
1. The Rules According to JWOWW: Shore-Tested Secrets on Landing a Mint Guy, Staying Fresh to Death and Kicking the Competition to the Curb.

It's having huge breasts, right? That's the secret to achieving all of these things, right? JWOWW wrote a 224-page book about her gigantic knockers, right? Right?

Of course she didn't, bro! This is a book... I mean, this book is so... Help me out, Amazon:

Are you stuck in a relationship with a stage-five clinger? Maybe your date is more like a man-whore than Mr. Smooth. Do guys only call you late at night when they're looking for a quick hookup? The Rules According to JWOWW can change all that.

Famous for both her cleavage-baring tops and her tough-as-nails approach to life and love on MTV's hit show Jersey Shore, JWOWW tells it like it is. And now she's laying down the rules she has learned and lived by on smushing, smackdowns, and standing up for yourself. JWOWW's advice on what she wears to get a guy's attention at the club, how she keeps her man in check, how she maintains her sick body, and what she does to satisfy her guy will have you with a man ready to wife-up in no time.


"Stage-five clinger?" "Smushing?" "Wife-up?" Is that like a "Power Up" or something? Look, I might not understand the terminology, but if I'm going to trust anyone to give me advice on my love life, it's going to be the sick-bodied Jenni Farley. ("Sick" is good, right?)

One satisfied Amazon customer, who gave the book a rousing 5-star review, was also kind enough to list some of the topics discussed in The Rules According to JWOWW: Blah Blah Something Boobs. Here are some of my favorites:

1. JOWOWW's favorite clubs in Miami, Jersey Shore and Long Island

Finally, a comprehensive guide to only the best [i.e. loudest, sweatiest, most disease-laden] clubs in three places I've never been to.*

2. Five ways to fight right (not physical)

So, with your mind then? Is this chapter about telekinesis? Maybe one unlocks their latent telekinetic abilities when one taps into one's inner JWOWW. One wonders.

3. Exercise routines to work specific body parts.

Got something for the penis in there, Jenni?

4. Best places to bury a body in the Pine Barrens.

Wait, really?


2. Confessions of a Guidette

Snooki has written two books, which makes her two times better than you, ya dip. One of these books is this one, that, according to one reviewer (to whom Snooki was rude allegedly), contains "lots of previously unseen pictures of Snooki and her home life." That sounds like fun?

Pretty much, Confessions of a Guidette looks like a rehash of JWOWW's Guide to Clubbing and Boob Maintenance, only with a lot more pickle references. The Snooki booki I'm more interested in is...
3. A Shore Thing

It's Snooki's first crack at fiction! What's it about, dammit, WHAT'S IT ABOUT?:

It’s a summer to remember . . . at the Jersey Shore.

Giovanna “Gia” Spumanti and her cousin Isabella “Bella” Rizzoli are going to have the sexiest summer ever. While they couldn’t be more different—pint-size Gia is a carefree, outspoken party girl and Bella is a tall, slender athlete who always holds her tongue—for the next month they’re ready to pouf up their hair, put on their stilettos, and soak up all that Seaside Heights, New Jersey, has to offer: hot guidos, cool clubs, fried Oreos, and lots of tequila.

So far, Gia’s summer is on fire. Between nearly burning down their rented bungalow, inventing the popular “tan-tags” at the Tantastic Salon where she works, and rescuing a shark on the beach, she becomes a local celebrity overnight. Luckily, she meets the perfect guy to help her keep the flames under control. Firefighter Frank Rossi is exactly her type: big, tan, and Italian. But is he tough enough to handle Gia when things really heat up?

Bella is more than ready for some fun in the sun. Finally free of her bonehead ex-boyfriend, she left home in Brooklyn with one goal in mind: hooking up with a sexy gorilla for a no-strings-attached summer fling. In no time, she lands a job leading “Beat Up the Beat” dance classes at a local gym, and is scooped up by Beemer-driving, preppy Bender Newberry. Only problem: Bella can’t get her romantic and ripped boss Tony “Trouble” Troublino out of her head. He’s relationship material. Suddenly, Bella’s not sure what she wants.

The cousins soon realize that for every friend they make on the boardwalk, there are also rivals, slummers, and frenemies who will do anything to ruin their summer—and try their relationship. Before July ends, the bonds of family and friendship will be stretched to the breaking point. Will the haters prevail, or will Gia and Bella find love at the Shore?

For everyone who loves MTV’s hit reality show, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s sweet, funny, and sexy novel perfectly captures the heat, the energy, the fun, and the drama of Jersey Shore.

Just in case you skipped reading the above plot description, there is a character in this novel named Bender Newberry. And one named Tony "Trouble" Troublino. For real. Also, one of the protagonists saves a shark's life. I'm not kidding.
4. Here's the Situation: A Guide to Convincing People You Are 29-Years-Old When You Are More Likely Damn Near 40

We already made fun of this one.

Beach reads!







*I have been to Long Island. I dyed Easter eggs there.


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