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Saturday, March 24, 2012

Hunger Games sold out? What's a person to do this weekend?

So, every showing of The Hunger Games is sold out at your local multiplex, huh? I know it seems like the end of the world, but I promise it isn't. The Hunger Games will be there for you next weekend. Of course, by that time, everyone in the know will have already seen it, discussed it, purchased and listened to the soundtrack thirty or fifty times, ordered their very own Katniss Everdeen throw pillow to snuggle with at night, and probably seen it a second or third time, but, whatever, you chose to wait. Like a chump.

But, OK, fine, you're not going to see The Hunger Games this weekend. You'll live (if you call that living...). I don't get to see it this weekend either. Think I'm crying about? No way! I mean, I did, earlier, but now I'm kinda all cried out and ready to find some alternate activities to fill my weekend with meaning. After all, what's a weekend without activities? Answer: a pretty good weekend. What's so great about activities?

Anyway, here are some things you can do this weekend if you failed to purchase advance tickets to the only movie that has ever mattered in the history of movies.*

1. Crack a book for once in your life!--You do know The Hunger Games is based on a popular series of books, right? Why not visit your local public library this weekend and check out a book or two. They don't have popcorn at the library--that would be sooooo great!!!--but they do have books. Lots of 'em! I'm a voracious reader myself. For instance, right now I'm reading two books: Philip K Dick's The Transmigration of Timothy Archer and Kitty Kelley's The Family, the unauthorized biography of the Bush Dynasty. I'm not saying you have to read either one of these, even though they are both pretty good, just find something you might like and read it. Or read to your kid. Or read a magazine. Or read this blog! Just read something!

2. Go see something else!--There are other movies you can see this weekend, you know. Like this one:

Yes, October Baby, the film The AV Club so expertly describes as being "
no less than a pro-life revenge fantasy." As you probably couldn't really tell from the trailer, October Baby tells the story of a young woman whose birth mother tried to have her aborted unsuccessfully. This failed abortion attempt led to the girl's premature birth and adoption by, I'm gonna guess, a family of diehard, pro-life, right-wing Christian folks. The film follows the aforementioned abortion survivor's quest to find the birth mother that tried to have her snuffed out. And, hey, she gets a little help from A Different World's Whitley along the way.

This is not a horror movie. This is a film premise that enough misguided people believed in to get it written, directed, and paid for. What does Hannah, the aborted, stand to gain from meeting the mother who never wanted her? What is meeting the baby she tried to abort going to do to that mother? Pro-life or pro-choice: nobody loves the idea of dead babies. But Hannah doesn't know why her birth mother chose the abortion route, I don't think. Do they tell adopted kids that story? Ick, I hope not. This is awful. Don't see this. Maybe this though:

I've heard this is awesome. Let's go tonight. You guys in?

3. Stay in and watch a movie--If you aren't one of the rats that have abandoned the slowly sinking ship that is Netflix, why not check out 2009's Gamer on instant view. Like The Hunger Games, Gamer takes place in a futuristic world that kinda sucks, where individuals are forced to kill (or hump) one another for the amusement of the masses. Unlike The Hunger Games, it's full of tits and blood. And it's from the team that brought you the Crank series, so you know it's going to be at least a little fun. And it'll probably make you throw up in your mouth. GEP approved! [Watch the trailer

4. Get your house ready to put on the market--That's what I'm doing this weekend. Fun.

5. Spend some quality time with your family--You want to spend your entire weekend sitting in the dark staring at a giant screen? I don't. I want to play Little People with my daughter. I want to discuss the most recent episode of 30 Rock with my wife. I want to take my cat to Monkey Joe's (don't tell him--it's a surprise). In a nutshell, I wanna do family shit. You should too.

6. Beg someone for their Hunger Games tickets--Sexual favors will probably yield the most positive results.

*I don't really think that, but I am excited.

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