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Sunday, March 11, 2012

Sunday Bloody Sunday: New Music Tuesday is gonna be awesome, you guys!!!

On Sunday mornings, my wife divides the paper, making a pile for each of us to read during breakfast. She gets the crossword puzzle, coupons, and the North Raleigh News section; I get the funnies, Parade magazine, the part of the Arts & Entertainment section that houses "Dear Amy," and the Best Buy sales paper.

My favorite part of the Best Buy sales paper is the music page, since, you know, I hate most of the music Best Buy chooses to showcase (They obviously have a lot of leftover copies of "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" right now). This morning's announcement of Tuesday's New Releases seemed especially horrific, so much so, that I felt compelled to devote a
Sunday Bloody Sunday column to them. So, what comes out this Tuesday that Best Buy thinks I'll love? Let's find out.

Ruben Studdard: Letters From Birmingham

Even Ruben can't believe he's recorded another album. Look at his face. He's either disgusted with himself or fast asleep. I think it's probably a combination of the two, like, he was so let down by the album that he ate himself into a food coma.

That isn't fair. Maybe this record is great. Maybe Ruben will make the comeback of the year. Probably not, but I'm not gonna count the Velvet Teddy Bear out. After all, there must have been an outcry for a new Ruben Studdard album, right? I mean, record companies don't release new albums by artists nobody likes or listens to anymore, right? Right???

The Ting Tings: Sounds from Nowheresville

Ooooo, creepy cover. This band is obviously on the cutting edge of bad-ass rock and roll. Let's take a listen.

Wait a minute...

Oh, by the way, that girl is 29-years-old. Take that however you want.

One Direction: Up All Night

Ironically enough, I see this album going in one direction: toward my garbage can.

But, seriously, where are these dudes staying up all night? A youth group lock-in?

I'm just busting your walnuts, Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry, and Louis. You seem like nice, clean-cut young men. Not sure why you're grabbing that one guys boob, but, hey, they wouldn't call it friendship if some good-natured grab-assery wasn't involved.

So the boys of One Direction are nice guys. What about the music? I'm glad you asked. You won't be.

Wait a minute! These guys break tables just for a laugh? Do you know how much tables cost these days, One Direction? I bet you don't, what, with your millions of dollars and your private butlers and your astronomical table budget. Maybe these dudes aren't so nice after all.

Spend your allowances wisely this Tuesday, teenage idiots!


Gabe Sealey-Morris said...

I can't wait for Ruben's collaboration with One Direction. I predict he'll eat the blond one. He looks weak.

Matt said...

Weak, but fast, and we all know Ruben ain't running after him.