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Thursday, April 12, 2012

100 Songs I Hate: 27-29

27. "A Case of You" (James Blake)



Listen, I don't know what kind of music you like. Maybe you think this Joni Mitchell cover is the most beautiful thing you've ever heard in your entire life up to this point. I think it sounds like, Aaron Neville doing a shoddy, over-the-top impression of himself, like, at a party, for laughs or something. It's boring and it's garbled and I don't like it one bit.

I get this weird feeling when I listen to this song--and the five other songs by Mr. Blake I sampled before concluding that most of his oeuvre is utter garbage--that people who like this guy, probably rabidly like this guy. James Blake seems like one of those artists that has the kind of fans that would be severely and irrationally super pissed off by anything that appeared to denigrate their golden rock god in any way, like, if some bald asshole trashed his music on a little-read, in-no-way-influential pop-culture blog. So, I'll just reiterate that this isn't for me, but if you like it, go ahead and like it.

Also, who would want to drink a case of someone? That's serial killer shit right there, son.

28. "Somethin' 'bout a Truck" (Kip Moore)



Another list of things rednecks enjoy posing as a legitimate song. Hot diggity dang!

Apparently, there is something about a truck, ice cold beer, private property, and drunken swimming at 2 in the morning that is so damn important, Kip Moore just had to write a "song" 'bout it. I think that something is date rape, but I can't be 100-percent certain. I don't want to put words into Moore's mouth, you see. I don't want to put anything in Moore's mouth, especially any more of that ice cold beer. This seems to be how things progress in the song:

1. Moore and a lady friend are driving around in his truck late one night when they come across a farmer's field with a NO TRESPASSING sign posted. They are almost assuredly intoxicated.

2. Ignoring the sign, they drive onto the farmer's land and crack a couple more beers.

3. Moore notices the lady friend's red sundress and decides he needs to take "sexual action" before he makes a "mess" (premature ejaculation?) of himself. The lady friend continues to drink.

4. They kiss. Beer is consumed. Moore probably slips something in the lady friend's drink.

5. They find a creek, take their clothes off, and go swimming.

6. In the water, Moore makes his move.

7. The lady friend does not respond positively, so country singer Kip Moore drowns her in the creek.

8. After drinking the rest of the beers, Moore drives his truck home and records the demo that will eventually become "Somethin' 'bout a Truck" in his home studio.

I sort of had to guess at some of the later stuff, but it's sick, right?

29. "Cartoon Song" (Chris Rice)



I'm almost 99-percent sure GEP has shared this song before. How could we not? It is utterly ridiculous.

First of all, if cartoons got saved, why wouldn't they just say hallelujah in the same normal way other saved individuals say it? I'm not sure I agree with Rice's premise that they would start singing praise in a "whole new way." I think they'd probably join a church and kind of, you know, follow everybody else's lead. It'd be chaos if everyone was doing whatever the heck they wanted during a church service. I've been to a pentecostal church. I've seen it. It was like a circus in there. Some people were running up and down the aisles; others were dancing in front of the altar; the guy next to me was screaming and yelping. Imagine a couple of cartoon characters thrown in doing their own thing. Like, imagine Yogi Bear is next to you shouting "Hey-Boo-Boo-lujah!" To quote Rob Dyrdek, that would be pure ridiculousness.

Secondly, they wouldn't be singing praise in a "whole new way," they'd just be singing praise period. They just got saved, man, I think it's safe to assume they were not singing any sort of praise up to that point. But that's kind of nitpicky, I guess.

Thirdly, Kermit the Frog is not a cartoon. Baby Kermit was, but, c'mon, surely Baby Kermit was in no position to make an informed decision on whether or not he wanted to dedicate his life to the god of the Christian Bible. He was a baby! Babies drool and cry and pee their pants. I know. My daughter is a baby. They don't know what's going on at church. For example, we took Shrimpkin to church on Easter Sunday to see her Pop-Pop in the Easter play and she loved it. She clapped along with the music and shouted excitedly during communion. She didn't know any better. I whispered, "Don't enjoy this too much," to her, but then admitted that the music was pretty good. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I like a hymn.

Fourthly, everyone knows the Smurfs are Hare Krishnas. Duh!

Fively, why are Beavis and "that other guy" denied salvation? That to me is the most despicable moment in the song. What is Chris Rice saying exactly? That there are limits to Jesus's love? Sorry, Rice, but I believe Beavis and Butthead were the exact types of people Jesus was hanging with when he was doing his Father's work on Earth. I can just see Jesus on that couch between Beavis and Butthead, chomping on nachos and poking fun at Public Image Ltd.



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