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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Tawdry Tuesday: Perverted in Portlandia

Younger readers of Giant Electric Penguin might know Madonna only as the elderly woman who sang with a choir during this year's Super Bowl, but back when I was a kid, Madonna was the hottest thing on two legs with a conical bra. Remember when Mtv banned the video for "Justify My Love" from its airwaves? Watching the video now, it seems about as racy as a modern day perfume ad. Is it sexy? A little, but mostly it makes me want to drive to Macy's and buy my mom a bottle of something expensive for Mother's Day.

Has the world gotten more perverse and, therefore, less concerned with the amount of sex shown on its television screens and at its cineplexes? Absolutely. It's why are country is going to Hell and the reason we need Rick Santorum to step in and right the ship again. But this is Tawdry Tuesday, not Political POV Late Afternoon Thursday (coming soon!), and on Tawdry Tuesday we revel in all that is kinky, seedy, and perverse. And today our focus is on Madonna and her 1993 film Body of Evidence.

The faces of hand fun.

Before sitting down to watch it, I knew exactly one thing about Body of Evidence: at some point in the movie, Madonna drips candle wax on Willem Dafoe. That's it. What I didn't know--besides the details of the derivative plot, the rampant bad acting, and the abject boredom brought on by actually viewing the film--was that Madonna doesn't "drip" candle wax on Willem Dafoe, as much as she "dumps" candle wax on Willem Dafoe's balls. Yes, that's what was going on in the candle wax scene a 14-year-old Matt could only dream about in 1993. I'm sure back then I probably thought the idea of Madonna pouring hot wax on some dude was dirty and exciting. Of course I did! It was weird, and I was into some weird stuff. Plus, I hadn't yet developed the thick layer of chest hair I sport today. I didn't think of the consequences that a night spent flinging candle wax around would bring. I didn't have to. Today all I could think about was the clean up process the next morning.

But that's not the point. The point is, Madonna unequivocally saturates Willem Dafoe's scrotum with molten candle wax. There's nothing fun and sexy about that. If that's your kink, more power to you, but it's not for me, man. I don't like to have my balls ignored during a sex session, but maybe when melted wax is being prepared for the specific purpose of being dumped all over my boys, too much attention is being paid. I mean, c'mon, ladies. Let's use some common sense.

Here's the thing though: I think by this point in the evolutionary development of humankind, women understand the fragility of a man's balls. No virgin is starting off her first time with a quick uppercut to her lover's bing-bongs, right? You wouldn't like to be punched in the vagina, right, nameless virigin I just made up? Well, your partner doesn't want to be clocked in his junk neither. We all understand balls, I think. Let's move on.

I guess what really matters here is if Body of Evidence is, in fact, tawdrier than the first five episodes of Melrose Place. Simply put, yes. Body of Evidence is way tawdrier than anything on Melrose Place. I don't remember anybody ever pouring candle wax all over Billy's nutsack or giving Jake a hand-job in an elevator. Maybe that's in episode six.

For everything Body of Evidence isn't (i.e. thrilling, kinky, good, etc), it is, without a doubt, tawdry as all heck. Here is a quick list of the tawdriest acts depicted on screen: sex tapes, "reverse cowgirl," hand cuffs, Willem Dafoe butt shots, elevator hand fun, parking garage cunnilingus, stairway Frenching, adultery, Julianne Moore nipple suckage.

Yes, Body of Evidence is a tawdry romp on the mild side of sex, but it isn't particularly good. And, despite what you might think from the list above, it is surprisingly tame. Madonna's involvement implies, to me anyway, that a film is going to get all kinds of freaky, but in Body of Evidence, Willem Dafoe's character seems blown away by the dull fact that Madonna and her elderly lover video taped themselves having sex and watched it later. Oh, that's crazy!

NEXT TIME: ORIGINAL SIN (I don't know anything about this movie, but a quick Google image search yields a plethora of pictures displaying Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas enjoying a naked embrace, Jolie's boobs strategically blocked by Banderas' arms in each one. Move your arm, dude!)

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