30. "Californication" (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
There are people on this planet--they may even live in your neighborhood, delivery your pizzas or let their dogs bark at you whenever you are in your driveway minding your own business--that think "Californication" by Red Hot Chili Peppers is great poetry. I find its lyrics dumb, but, fine, let's join the brutish crowd and assume that "Californication" is saying something profound. It isn't, but we're pretendin'. I'm willing to believe you, weirdos who champion this supremely silly song, when you assert that Anthony Kiedis is lamenting the "Hollywood-ization" of the planet and how everything is fake and empty and meaningless, but what the fuck does the phrase "firstborn unicorn" have to do with anything? Seriously. Stop analyzing this middle schooler's diary poem for a moment and explain "firstborn unicorn." You can't, because it is ridiculous. As is the follow-up line "hardcore soft porn." What?!?
OK, pretend time is over. This song is chock full of ridiculous bullshitty lines and references that give the impression of depth, but provide nothing but a broken neck and a lifetime of wheelchair livin' to anyone who mistakenly dives in. It is garbage.
Say something nice, bro: It's got a nice groove to it.
A note to 96.1 FM: I mentioned our local "classic rock" radio station last month and how they never play "Dream Weaver" (still haven't played it!!!). They do, however, play a shit ton of ZZ Top (ugh), ACDC (that's fine), and RHCP. Now, I'm not immune to the inherent grooviness found in the Chili Pepper's earlier output, but they don't play that stuff. They play this song. ALL THE TIME! Well, this one and that one from The Coneheads movie soundtrack. They play the Coneheads song! C'mon, 96.1 FM! Ever heard of a little song called "Higher Ground?"
GEP insists: Following that link above will lead to hours of forehead slapping enjoyment. You're welcome.
31. "Self Esteem" (The Offspring)
I was a fan of The Offspring in high school. I'm not going to go back and alter my musical history. My friend Brent got me Smash for Christmas and we listened the shit out it. We also loved Bush. That's right. I enjoyed the music of Bush and The Offspring in high school. I also listened to a lot of ska. Oh, brother. Ska.
There was probably a time when I really enjoyed "Self Esteem." I had a girl that I was utterly devoted to who embraced me or brushed me off completely depending on her mood, so I could relate to Dexter Holland's words. I also liked to jump frantically around my room to loud rock music until my parents yelled at me to stop shaking the whole house. As an adult, however, I listen to "Self Esteem"--and they play it all the damn time on, you guessed it, 96.1 FM--and one line strikes me as odd. I bet you already know what I'm going to write, but I'll write it anyway:
"I took her back and I made her dessert."
He made her dessert? Like, he made her an ice cream sundae or something? This song is dumb.
32. "3 Second Rule" (Lisa Gail Allred)
For everyone who has had enough auto tune: are you sure?
33. "When She Was Mine" (Lawson)
You have to change your band's name, like, right now. Seriously. Change it. I will sue.