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Sunday, May 13, 2012

5 Summer Movies I Will Not Be Seeing

The summer movie season is upon us and that means blockbusters. And popcorn. And butter pumps. Mmmmm, butter pumps. 


We'll get back to the butter pump in a minute, right now, I want to focus on the upcoming summer movies that I have absolutely no intention of seeing. You see, for every Marvel's The Avengers, there are two movies I wouldn't be caught dead risking my life at the ol' butter pump for. You think I'm going to subject my arteries to processed "butter" substitute for The Dictator? Not bloody likely. So, here they are, five summertime duds I won't be seeing this summer or, if I can help it, ever. 


(Note: You'll notice that Battleship does not appear on this list. This is because, well, obviously.)

1. Dark Shadows
   
Look, I'm not familiar with the source material, so I'm probably not the audience for Tim Burton's latest. However, I don't know anybody--except my wife, who heard a story on NPR last week about the old Dark Shadows soap opera--who is familiar with it. Now just because my generation and the generations that have come after us don't know anything about an old TV show full of ghosts and vampires from the 1970s doesn't mean a movie adaptation shouldn't be made (it doesn't?), it just means you're gonna have to sell it to us a little harder. The trailer, which I've seen way too many times in the past couple of months, fails at this miserably. There isn't one laugh in this thing. I've rolled my eyes several times ("We don't have horses. We have a Chevy;" Barnabas doesn't understand how TV works; etc), but never once smiled. Look, I'm not an under-sexed housewife, so just sticking Johnny Depp in your movie doesn't do it for me. 
Sorry, Tim Burton. Maybe next time, unless you do a movie version of ALF or something. 
Actually, I take that back. A Tim Burton take on ALF, with Johnny Depp as the titular alien life form, obviously, might be worth a look. 
2. Katy Perry: Part of Me
   
Like Battleship, Katy Perry: Part of Me falls squarely in the "obviously" column, but I thought I'd include it because I do, in fact, plan on watching this film one day. It won't be in a theater and I will not have paid ten dollars, or however much 3D ticket costs, to see it. I will be seated, pantless, in the comfort of my own home, with a box of Goobers and a fresh dress sock, just as I've watched everything Katy Perry has appeared in thus far. (I'd like to apologize to my daughter in the future and my wife right now for that one.) 
3. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
    
I caused a small kerfuffle on my Facebook page when I recently mocked Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter--or as I call it, AL-Colon-VH--but that was before the trailer surfaced. Now, I ask you, people (AKA male nerds) who thought this was a good idea, what do you think of your AL-Colon-VH now? This trailer sucks (no pun intended). When I see that title pop up on a movie screen, it embarrasses me. Seriously. I went to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol--or as I like to call it, Mission Impossible: In A Hoodie--with my father and the AL-Colon-VH trailer played and I've never felt more ashamed. 
This is where we are now? Honestly, what's next? Thomas Jefferson: Zombie Shooter? James Madison: Werewolf Tamer? George Washington: Dragon Wrangler
 4. Ted
    
I could spend $10.00 to see Ted or stay home and watch a Family Guy marathon on TBS for free. Or I could drop a can of paint on my foot. I'm gonna go with the can. 
(In the spirit of full disclosure, I will probably rent this. Happy?) 
5. What to Expect When You're Expecting
   
Again, I was obviously never going to see this, but when your trailer prominently features Rob Huebel and Tom Lennon, I should be laughing at least. How did they take two of my favorite funny people and make them so painfully unfunny in this trailer? It's sick!




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