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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

GEP Investigates: John Travolta's Sexy Massage Exploits: Truth or Fiction???

Did beloved movie archangel and former Sweathog, John Joseph Travolta, really wave his semi-erect wiener around in front of two innocent male masseurs?  That's what this article would have you believe.  But is it true?  Does John Travolta become so overrun with lust while receiving deep tissue massages that he can't control himself sexually?  I don't know, but I aim to find out.  Let's look at the "facts:"

1. Towels make John Travolta's buttocks "too hot."
2. John Travolta eats pre-packaged snack cakes in his car.
3. Travolta enjoys having a private chef cook burgers for him while he receives a massage.
4. Travolta considers the masseurs he hires his "friends" and will sometimes offer a thank-you massage in return.

So, did John Travolta sexually assault the two anonymous masseurs who are accusing him of doing so? Here are GEP's conclusions.

1. Listen, towels make my buttocks "too hot," but that doesn't mean when I throw mine off, say, in a gym locker room or around the pool during an outdoor barbecue, that I expect/want people to gratify my backside sexually.  I just like to air out my bum sometimes.  I bet John Travolta does too.  So, did Travolta take his towel down a time or ten during a massage?  Probably.  But who among us wouldn't, you know, if our behinds were feeling a bit warmish?  

2. Apparently John Travolta keeps his condoms on his vehicle's dashboard.  Is that a crime now?  Last time I looked, the Constitution of the United States didn't specify in what location I have to store my prophylactics.  If I want to keep my condoms in a Ziploc bag tied around my neck at all times, I'm within my rights to do so.  And if John Travolta wants to keep his spread out on the dashboard of his Lexus, what right do you have to persecute him, Unnamed Masseur #2?  Doesn't necessarily mean he wants to make sweet, post-massage love to you.

3. But, seriously, fellas: why would John Travolta do any of this?  Honestly?  What part are we supposed to believe exactly?  Sure, maybe he is super closeted, but do you expect us to believe that this is the method in which he chooses to blow off some gay steam?  This is the way he's finally decided to live his truth, by masturbating his semi-erect penis in front of masseurs?  No way.

Look, I don't know if any of this happened or not.  It probably didn't, but there sure are a lot of weird, specific details mentioned in the suits.  There's only one thing that matters to me about this story: What happened to the those burgers?  Did Travolta eat them?  Did the masseur leave with a couple?  What kind of condiments did Travolta's chef buddy provide?  These are the details that will keep me up at night.

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