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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Most Horrific Thing I've Read This Week: That's Why I Prefer Showers

This week's edition of The Most Horrific Thing I've Read This Week was originally going to focus on Natural Harvest, a cookbook dedicated to the idea that semen, apart from being a great way to create new human beings and/or crust up a perfectly functional dress sock, can be a perfectly acceptable ingredient in some of your favorite dishes.  The kind of dishes you eat.  With your mouth.  Then some naked dude freaked out and chewed off a homeless man's face and my focus shifted from spunk chugging to face eating.

Did you hear about this?  Chances are you have, as this sort of thing doesn't happen every day.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, first, let me say YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!  RUN SCREAMING FROM YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK!  Secondly, let me nutshell it for you: a guy did a bunch of drugs, took his clothes off, attacked a homeless, ate said homeless man's face, and was shot to death by a police officer who will probably never sleep again.

I know what you're thinking: "Has the zombie apocalypse I write about obsessively on my Facebook wall finally come to pass?"  Can I address you people real quick?  Can you shut up about the "zombie apocalypse" already?  We get it.  You like The Walking Dead.  I like it too, but I'm not on Facebook every other day posting my Zombie Hunting Task Force list for everyone to see (i.e. ignore).  And I'm not talking about one person.  I wish it were one person.  It's, like, a thing.  What is it about a "zombie apocalypse" that fascinates all you weirdies?  Does the United States portrayed in The Walking Dead look exciting to you?  Seems like a vast, depressing Hell on Earth to me, but who am I?  Oh, yeah.  An adult.  Anyway, shut up.  Did I say that already?

Corpse reanimation is not currently being blamed for this recent attack.  The catalyst for this brutal assault was drugs, specifically bath salts, or "bath salts" as they're also known.  While "bath salts" resemble the shiny pebbles in the small jar on your grandma's toilet tank, it is actually something far more sinister.  "Bath salts" basically turn the user into a nearly unstoppable thrashing machine.  A naked unstoppable thrashing machine.  Why naked?  Well, apparently "bath salts" cook you from the inside. I don't know about you, but when I'm uncomfortably hot, the first thing I want to do is pop my shirt, pants, shoes, and undies off.  I'll then fill a kiddie pool or empty turtle-shaped sandbox with ice and burrow myself deep.  I might ask the wife to fix me some nachos.  I rarely feel the need to snack on a homeless man's face.

A cold drink or a dip in the community pool wasn't enough to cool Rudy Eugene, the attacker in this truly horrific tale, down however.  In fact, nothing could stop Eugene once the "bath salts" kicked in.  Well, nothing besides four bullets.

This horror story out of Florida (typical!) gives me the willies, man.  I kind of wish I'd written about the spooge cookbook now.  Oh, well.  There's always next time.  

In summation: Don't use drugs.  And if you must, do so on a full stomach.

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