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Monday, July 30, 2012

6 Olympic Events That I Could Totally Dominate

I heard a story on NPR last week claiming that, at one time, poetry was a legitimate Olympic event.  It was removed after Olympic officials agreed that poetry is very difficult to judge and award metals for.  The gold medal poem read on the air was both about the Olympics and completely terrible.

The story made me think though.  I could write a dumb poem about sports or something and win at least a bronze.  I can't pole vault or ride a bike very well, nor can I fence, swim more than a single lap without experiencing heart attack-like symptoms, or spike a volleyball.  I'm old, out of shape and bad at most things,  but I can rhyme.  What rhymes with sports?  Tortes.  Snorts.  Chores is a near rhyme, I think.

There aren't many Olympic events I could excel in, so I came up with six new, me-specific events that would almost guarantee me a gold when the next summer Olympics roll around.  Tell me what you think, IOC members who read this blog on a regular basis.  Thank you for your consideration.

1. Walking:  I walk approximately 3 miles every weekday in shoes not in any way designed for walking 3 miles every day.  Can you imagine what kind of kick ass walking I could accomplish with the proper shoes?  I could walk better than some scrawny foreign guy, that's for sure.  I don't know what the track would look like, nor do I know the length of the walk, I just know that I could win the gold if I were allowed to walk and take several bathroom breaks along the route.  And we should be allowed to wear iPods.

2. Bejewled: When I'm not walking 3 miles to work in uncomfortable shoes, spending quality time with my family or sleeping, I'm usually playing Bejeweled.  You know Bejeweled, right?  It's just like Tetris, 'cept different.  Bejeweled is quite literally the only reason I have a phone.  No one ever calls me and my 63-year-old father can bang out a text faster than I can. so what other reason do I have a phone but for emergencies and marathon sessions of Bejeweled.  I could cell phone Bejeweled the crap out of the Olympics, son.  You get me an iPod full of Heidi and Frank Show podcasts, a caffeine-free Diet Coke and outdated cellular phone, and I can Bejeweled all night!

My most current high score: 139,464

3. Grilling Chicken Thighs: I'm not a bad cook, I just don't cook many things.  I'm decent at frying squash and my creativity knows no bounds when it comes to sandwich-making.  I do this lemon parmesan roasted broccoli that's a pretty big hit, but I'm a straight up maestro when it comes to grilled chicken thighs.  My grilled chicken thighs are juicy, succulent, and topped with a salty crispy skin that is excellence in its purest form.  Get chicken thigh grilling into the Olympics and I'll do you proud, United  States of America.
4. Sushi Eating: I'm a decent home cook, sure, but my real strength lies in eating.  I'm particularly good at eating sushi, which the staff at Orchid, my local all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant and unofficial "home-away-from-home," can attest to.  I loves me the sushi -- all kinds! -- and can down large quantities of it with the greatest of ease.  And when I'm stuffed to the point of nauseousness, no worry, I'll find room.  I have this little stacking dance that I do that doesn't really work but does makes my wife laugh, and her sweet laughter is all I'll need to inspire me to go for the gold.

I've also got an unbeatable team for the Sushi Eating Marathon: me, my wife and our friends Craig and Starr West.  The four of us are unbeatable.  Seriously.  Try to beat us.  You will fail.

5. Voice Over Recognition: As mentioned early, I'm not good at things.  I don't know my way around a car's engine, I'm not exactly "tech savvy," and I'm fairly lazy.  I do have a whole host of skills that would make me the perfect candidate for your bar trivia team however.  I have so much useless pop culture information clogging my brain, it's sick.  It's pretty much the reason I started this blog.  I needed a venue to share my inane "talent" with the world.  My wife is consistently flabbergasted by the deep well of pointless knowledge I possess.  She is particularly taken with my ability to name the celebrities responsible for almost every single commercial voiceover performance ever.  "Oh, that's Donald Sutherland hocking orange juice."  "I wonder if Willem Dafoe has ever actually tasted that yogurt."  "David Duchovny sure loves dogs."  Given the chance to showcase this ability on an international stage would be, well, simply put, a lifelong dream come true.

6. Mobile Phone Retrieval: Speaking of my wife, she is terrible at keeping track of her phone.  Really.  She misplaces it almost every single day.  And who always finds it?  If you guessed me, you guessed correctly, because it is me.  I'm the Benson and Stabler of phone finding.  No, I'm the Samuel Gerard of mobile phone locating.  That works better.  To my knowledge my wife's phone has never committed a sex crime.


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