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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Most Ridiculous Moments in Saved by the Bell History: Part 4

15. Dustin Diamond cut out of the People Magazine shoot:  I sorta understand why the rest of the cast didn't want Dustin Diamond invited to the big reunion photo shoot.  In the years since SBTB ended, Diamond had morphed from a geeky manchild into a bulky, grotesque bully, filled with equal parts rage and cheese fries.  He'd also written a "tell all" book about his days on the jewel of the TNBC crown, in which he accused Tiffani Thiessen of being a whore, Mario Lopez of being a jerk, and Lark Voorhies of being a straight up weirdie.  Oh, yeah, and he starred in a porno movie where he allegedly gives a young woman what is commonly known in the Weird Creep community as a "Dirty Sanchez."  I don't exactly know what that means and I'm too scared to look it up.  So, yeah, I get it.

But to cut Screech out of the original cast photo?  Where do you get off, People Magazine?  Screech didn't get into a fight with a drill sergeant on a Vh1 reality game show about fat celebrities.  Screech didn't climb in a boxing ring with poor, old, sweaty Horshack.  Screech didn't engage in anal intercourse with a pornographic actress and smear a fecal stain across her upper lip in a mustache-like fashion upon completion of coitus (I lied--I know what a Dirty Sanchez is.).  Dustin Diamond did that shit.  Don't punish Screech for the sins of his fat, perverted originator.

16. The movie theater: Remember the movie theater the gang was always going to?  That place was awful.  It was literally three rows of folding chairs.  FOLDING CHAIRS?  Where were they, a movie theater or a bachelor party?  Sheesh!

17. The hallowed hall of Bayside:  While we're on the subject of crappy sets, what the hell was up with Bayside's single hallway?  I've watched enough SBTB to know that we're supposed to believe that Bayside is just like any other multi-halled high school in America, but the illusion is sooo not pulled off.  There's clearly one hallway.  Sometimes Mr. Belding's office is in this hallway, sometimes it is not.  It's like Howl's Moving Castle or whatever.  

18. Screech's degeneration from super intelligent, lovable geek to insufferable goof:  Just as Dustin Diamond slowly mutated from a budding young television star to a paunchy pile of human garbage, the character he played made a stunningly confusing and altogether irritating transformation as well.  He was a straight-A student when the series began, but toward the end, it was hard to imagine Screech being able to wipe himself let alone build a robot capable of independent thought!  I think it started when the gang spent that summer at the Malibu Sands beach club and I think the moment it became real to me was during the club's Fourth of July celebration.  Screech has been given the task of ringing in the Fourth of July games dressed as Uncle Sam of "I Want You" fame.  Screech comes dressed as his Uncle Sam.  Ugh.  For the ultimate tour-de-force of Screech stupidity, you can't do any better/worse than "Mystery Weekend," truly one of the most awful SBTB episodes of all time.

19. Where the hell is everybody?  Oh, The Max!: So, Bayside's student body is allowed to go to The Max whenever they want?  Bullshit!  Does anyone ever go to class?  The Max is full of young student-types no matter what time of day it is.  At my high school, seniors were allowed to leave campus for lunch exactly once.  ONCE!  Zack and the gang stop by The Max for cheeseburgers and iceless, half-empty cups of soda between classes EVERY SINGLE DAY!

20. Bayside's basketball team is made up of exactly the amount of people needed to play a regulation basketball game.

21. Rap Rap Rippity-Rap: Snow White and the Seven Dorks, the Bayside Drama Clubs rap version of Snow White, features exactly two African-Americans.  Two.

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