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Friday, August 24, 2012

100 Songs I Hate: 34-36

Inspired by the recent announcement of Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne's engagement, we bring you the latest installment of 100 Songs I Hate.

34. "Drive By" (Train)


Unfortunately, this is not a song about the members of Train being gunned down in a violent drive-by shooting.  No, "drive by" in this song refers to a one night stand, which Train's lead singer, whose name I so don't care about I refuse to waste the mere seconds it would take to look him up on Wikipedia, is assuring the object of his affection their night of passion at a winery, I guess, was most decidedly not.  He achieves this purpose by singing lines like this one:

"Just a shy guy looking for a two ply Hefty bag to hold my love."

and

"When you move me, everything is groovy. They don't like it, sue me.  Either way, you do me."

OK, first of all, he needs a "Hefty bag" to hold his love?  What does that mean?  Is he talking about sperm?  Seriously.  I'm not trying to be gross.  How do you keep love in a Hefty bag?  What's the metaphor here?  What is Train guy trying to say?  Did Train receive a big, fat paycheck from the Hefty Corporation?

Secondly, who the hell is threatening to sue you for telling the special lady in your life that she makes everything especially groovy?  That makes less sense than carting your semen around in a two play Hefty bag?  And what's a two play Hefty bag?  What size Hefty bag are we talking here?

Thirdly: Either way, you do me?  Classy.

This song is horrible.

An aside: The lead singer for Train looks like Jason Bateman if he had his face smashed in with a hockey stick.

35. "Payphone" (Maroon 5)


Wait a minute.  What the hell is this?  On one level, it makes sense to couple the dumbest song in the world with the dumbest video ever made.  "Payphone" is yet another monotonous Maroon 5 song (you know the type), made all the worse by coupling it with a boring, pseudo-bad-ass video that features Adam Levine running around with a gun for some reason.  But we're not here to critique crummy videos, were here to expose shitty songs.  So, let's forget the above monstrosity and delve deeper into "Payphone" the song.

Why is Adam Levine using a payphone?  Nobody uses payphones anymore.  The only payphone I'm aware of currently is the one in front of the Char-Grill downtown and I'm pretty sure it's been broken since two days after its installation.  You kind of need the video to understand why TV reality show judge Adam Levine is forced to use the payphone, but we're ignoring the video, so let's move forward.

Every time this song starts and I hear Levine's whiny voice sing the words "I'm at a payphone," I can't help but laugh like I just watched a YouTube video of some fat kid falling off of something.  It's the single most hilarious line of the summer, hands down.

That's all.  That's as deep as I can go with this one.  I just don't care enough.

An aside: You know, if the Mayans are wrong and our planet doesn't explode this December, in 15 years or so, Train and Maroon 5 are going to go on a big nostalgia tour.  You know they will.  That's the nostalgia tour we're going to get, guys.  Maroon 5 and Train.  Better start praying to those Mayan gods for a swift demise.

36. "Next Contestant" (Nickelback)


This song is about a dirtbag hanging out at the strip club where his stripper girlfriend works and beating up the men who come on to her.  Congratulations, Avril.




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