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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Happy Support Chick-Fil-A Day Everybody!!!

The new face of hatred. (I'm kidding.  C'MON!)

Happy Support Chick-fil-A Day, everybody!  I'm still tired from my family's Support Chick-fil-A Eve celebrations: the lighting of of the Support Chick-fil-A Candelabra, the Covenant of the Waffle Fries ceremony and, of course, the eating of more chicken.  It was a fun, somber time to reflect on all of the things Chick-fil-A has given to us over the years, mainly high cholesterol.

Look, if you want to support Chick-fil-A today or any other day, do it.  Get yourself a chicken sandwich and a carton of waffle fries and go crazy.  I don't care what you do.  But don't let some right-wing, TV blowhard convince you that they need your support.  They don't need your support.  They don't care whether or not you order a combo #1 today or any other day.  Chick-fil-A is doing fine.

Here's what happens when you post a giant I Support Chick-fil-A advertisement on your Facebook or Twitter or wherever you share your opinions online: some people consider you a bigot.  Are you a bigot?  Probably not.  You probably just love Chick-fil-A's tasty combo of fried chicken and pickles.  Hell, I love that combination.  It is simple and elegant and delicious.  But some people will look at you as some kind of homophobic piece of trash standing in the way of societal evolution.  And that's kind of your own fault.  Let me explain.

Mike Huckabee proposed Support Chick-fil-A Day because of the fallout from Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy's recent interview in which he said that the Biblical definition of marriage is the best and that homos are gross (He didn't say that second thing...).  Also, I guess Chick-fil-A has given money to groups that actively lobby to block same-sex marriage.  

You know my thoughts on marriage equality and gay rights -- to remind you, I'm very pro- both and sincerely believe those who are anti- are nothing but giant bullies -- so I'm taking a Chick-fil-A break right now, which will likely turn into a full-on ban.  I'm not making a big deal out of it.  I posted some jokes on Facebook, but that is all they were: jokes.  You can eat at Chick-fil-A if you want.  My dad came over to my house Saturday bearing a Chick-fil-A cup full of Diet Coke and I didn't toss him out.  My trainer at work ate a free Chick-fil-A ice cream sundae in front of me last Friday and I didn't mercilessly berate her.  It's fast food.  I'm not going to get bent out of shape about fast food.  I am, however, opposed to what Cathy said and who Chick-fil-A is giving money to.  So, I'm not going to eat there.  It's not because the food is bad, because it isn't.  It's because morally, I'd feel bad eating a Chick-fil-A sandwich right now, no matter how much I want one.  Shit.  I knew I shouldn't have written this.  Now I want Chick-fil-A.

All I'm saying is that you should keep in my mind why us godless, liberal, left-wing, Socialist nutjobs (your words -- not mine) have soured on Chick-fil-A.  We're not calling for boycotts (For the record, I'm not calling for a full-scale boycott, I've personally decided to spend my money elsewhere.) because of the food or because of the opinion of one close-minded man-fossil, but because of the principal.  There are a lot of us who think this country can do better.  It's 2012. Why doesn't everybody share the same basic human rights yet?  Doesn't that trouble you?  It should.  Why not let the bullies know we're a nation ready for change and eat more chicken elsewhere.  Somewhere where the cows can spell.

Bojangles is better anyway.  


Gabe Sealey-Morris said...

Bojangles? You know they fund local KKK chapters, right?

Matt said...

Oh, don't tell me that! Where's a fat man to buy his friend chicken in this world??? Woe is me!