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Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Most Horrific Thing I Read Last Week

I harbor a fear -- it's really more of a hatred -- of insects.  If I see them crawling around outside, fine, the out-of-doors belongs as much to them as it is does to me, maybe more.  But when I find one creeping around my house, well, all bets are off.  I didn't invite you in, bug, so I'm going to assume this is some kind of blatant home invasion, a "B & E" as I hear cops on television say almost never.  Now I'm no expert on the law, but I'm fairly certain when someone, no matter how many legs they possess, walks into my house uninvited, I'm allowed to blow his/her head off.  If I'm wrong, let me know, but that sounds totally correct and perfectly sane to me.  Insects are not allowed on the premises.

Another place insects aren't allowed: my ears.  You hear horrible stories about earwigs crawling into people's skulls and eating their brains while they sleep or spiders laying eggs in people's ear canals when you're a kid, but when you get older -- and discover -- you realize these stories are nothing more than urban legends.  However, it doesn't seem unheard of for a mosquito to catch a breather in your ear for a couple of seconds or an ant to wander in absent-mindedly.  It happens, but I'm sure they don't stick around too long.  I mean, who would want to hang out in an ear?  I figure an insect stumbles in accidentally, gets grossed out by the all the wax, and buzzes off.  In and out, three seconds tops:

A woman who went to China's Changsha Central Hospital complaining of itching in the left side of her head was told by doctors that the source of irritation was a spider that had been living inside her ear canal for five days.

Five days?!?  I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.  No.  It was a lot.  And not in my mouth.  Hang on.  I gotta change my shirt.

Doctors reportedly used a saline solution to flush out the spider in order to avoid having the spider burrow deeper inside the canal or bite her. 

The flushing technique was successful and the woman reportedly wept with gratitude after being told the spider was removed. Doctors say they believe the spider entered the woman's home while the home was undergoing renovations, and crawled into her ear while she was sleeping.

Crawled in while she was sleeping, huh?  So I guess the lesson here is never go to sleep.  Hey, the kids in Nightmare on Elm Street did that, right?  Everything turned out all right for them, right?

And lest you think this was some cute little spider just stopping by for a friendly visit:

That's it, I'm never sleeping again, nor am I ever visiting China.  And home renovations are right out.  

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