The Aurora, Colorado theater shooting was awful. GEP didn't really touch on it because, quite simply, we deal in jokey goodtime fun, and there is nothing fun nor funny about this tragedy. You hear me, Dane Cook? Nothing.
The massacre in Aurora was not only awful, but it was a fluke. These kinds of things just don't happen. Sure, an old creepy guy occasionally picks a row full of single ladies to jerk off in OR an Asian man slaps a 10-year-old boy around for kicking his seat OR a row of teenagers spends the duration of a film texting, but this is usually as bad as it gets. (Why did I start with the masturbating creep? These things are usually supposed to build in awfulness. Maybe I'd rather have a weirdo spanking it in my row than have to put up with teenagers. I probably would actually.) It isn't normal for a crazy man to burst into a theater and open fire. It's decidedly abnormal.
However, following James Holmes midnight rampage, stories about gun-toting idiots getting busted inside movie theaters have been popping up all over the country. Seriously, what the hell is going on? You really want to ruin the moviegoing experience for all of us, don't you?
Here's a story out of Ohio:
An Ohio grand jury has indicted Scott A. Smith, who was arrested after allegedly attending the latest Batman movie armed with a gun, ammunition and knives.
Smith was indicted Monday on one felony count of carrying a concealed weapon, one misdemeanor count of carrying a concealed weapon and one misdemeanor count of carrying weapons "under disability," charges that refer to the effects of prescription drugs Smith was taking, said Nicole DiSanto of the Cuyahoga County Prosecutor's Office in Cleveland.
Police say on the night of August 4, Smith went to the Regal Theater in Westlake to see the 10:30 p.m. showing of "The Dark Knight Rises."
According to DiSanto, Smith was the first to arrive, 30 minutes before the movie's start, and took a seat in the back row, directly in the middle, with his back to a wall. A manager at the theater and an off-duty police officer grew suspicious of where he sat, and they noticed the bag Smith was carrying.
They asked to search the bag, DiSanto said, and inside found a loaded 9 mm semiautomatic handgun, two loaded magazine clips and three knives. Police said Smith was carrying another knife on his person.
Smith's lawyer said he had arrived early to get the best seat in the theater.
"That's just the kind of person he is," said Bruce, who acknowledged that Smith was not carrying the gun legally.
Smith told the off-duty officer he was carrying the gun and knives for protection, to protect himself and other moviegoers, said police, who took him into custody.
The story goes on to describe the stockpile of weapons found in Smith's home, along with "survivalist gear." What did he think he was protecting the movie theater from? Terminator robots? Listen, if the Aurora shooting has rendered you unable to see a movie in a theater full of various other human beings, instead of loading your duffel bag with guns and ammo, why don't you just stay home? At home you can make your own popcorn -- so you save money there -- get as many free soda refills as you want, and you can stroke your semiautomatic weapon while lovingly whispering to it over the duration of whatever film you've decided to watch. Problem solved.
Here's another story, this one about a good (see also "dumb") Samaritan (see also "guy, probably not an actual Samaritan") whose plan to protect the moviegoing public backfired "hilariously":
Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theatre during a showing of "The Bourne Legacy."
Police in Sparks, Nev., say the 56-year-old man's injuries are not life-threatening and no others were hurt.
Authorities say the man had a permit to carry a concealed firearm. The man told officers the gun fell from his pocket Tuesday night as he was adjusting himself in the seat and that it discharged when it dropped to the floor.
Authorities say the case will be sent to the city attorney for possible charges.
Look, you keep doing this shit, and next thing you know, we're all walking through metal detectors and getting frisked when all we wanna do is watch the next in the Step Up series in peace. My local theater is checking ladies' purses now, you know, since 100% of the people bringing weapons into movie theaters in all these stories have been females. But, yeah, when my wife and I went to see The Dark Knight Rises last weekend, some theater employee rifled through her bag for a couple seconds before letting us inside. How am I gonna sneak in my beer and jerky now, huh? Thanks a lot, James Holmes, you crazy piece of shit!