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Friday, October 12, 2012

31 Days of Horror: Halloween Treats Ranked!

There's nothing better in this world then donning a spooky costume, picking out your finest pillowcase, and traipsing from door to door, begging your neighbors for free candy.  And if it's Halloween, well, all the better!  But not all treats are created equal, which is why GEP is publishing this handy list for your Halloweentime perusal.  We've ranked 21 Halloween treats from worst to best, and peppered the list with pictures of doggies in costumes because awwwwwww.  Enjoy!

21. Bit-O-Honey:  What is Bit-O-Honey anyway?  You never see it near the check-out counter at your local grocery or drug store.  There aren't commercials for it on prime time television.  None of your friends have ever sighed and said aloud, "I could really go for a Bit-O-Honey right now."  But there they are at the bottom of your trick-or-treat bag every Halloween, chewy, gross and unpleasant.  (Fun Fact: My paternal grandfather apparently loved Bit-O-Honey and made it a point to always have some in the house.  My poor, poor mother.)

20. A Bible tract

19. Individually-wrapped Twizzlers: I eat Twizzlers how they were meant to be eaten: by the handful.  Individually-wrapped, single-serving Twizzlers are an affront to nature, dammit!

18. Leftover 2011 Christmas candy (i.e., candy canes; red, white & green M&Ms; Baby Jesus shaped gummi snacks)

17. Tootsie Roll (non-chocolate flavored)

16. Warheads: Why did we ever think unbearably sour candy was fun?  It isn't, but for some reason, at some time in all of our childhoods, we all thought disgusting, sour candy was the greatest invention since delicious, non-sour candy.  We were such idiots.  I kind of hate us.

15. Pack of gum: Because it was always Juicy Fruit and there were only four sticks.  Two thumbs down.

14. Promotional tube of toothpaste: As a father, I think there are worse things someone can drop into my daughter's treat bag (Circus Peanuts, a can of Jolt cola, a live scorpion, tooth decay, etc), but the promotional tube of toothpaste was always a bummer to get as a kid.

13. Starlight mints

12. Butterscotch Rounds

11.  Off-brand chocolate/hard candy: Like Brach's.  That's a brand, I guess, but their candy is usually pretty "off," right?

10. Lemonheads

9. Tootsie Roll (traditional chocolate)

8. Candy corn: A holiday classic to be enjoyed in moderation.  (Fun Fact: It is impossible for me to enjoy candy corn in moderation.  I close out each and every October loathing candy corn, until the following October when I, once again, forgetting my intense hatred for it, consume entirely too much once again.)

7. Fun-sized Snickers

6. Blow Pop

5. Fast food coupons:  Again, as a kid, fast food vouchers were bullshit.  "I don't want a piece of paper with a picture of McDonald's fries on it -- I want you dump a large order of McDonald's fries into my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pillowcase."  As a father, I predict my daughter will be quick to toss the scraps of useless, sugar-free paper from her treat bag, and that's when Daddy'll step in.  You'll be safe with me, Arby's coupons.  I'll get you back to your home.

4. Individual bag of chips: This usually meant the house you were visiting was out of candy.

3. Regular-sized Butterfinger

2. Kit-Kat (sizes "fun-" through "full-")

1. Dollar bill: Growing up in Michigan, the doctors across the street from us always gave out dollar bills on Halloween.  They were just dollars, sure, but to a kid, free money, in any amount, is, like, the most amazing thing ever.

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