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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

31 Days of Horror: Halloween Tricks Ranked!

The line is "trick or treat."  Kids all over the country will be running around their respective neighborhoods next Wednesday, costumes donned, plastic jack-o-lantern buckets white-knuckle gripped in their pudgy American fists, dashing from door to door shouting it, but will they know what it means?  Do they understand the very real, very dangerous threat they are making?  

"Trick or treat" is a question, really.  "Trick or treat, man?  It's your choice.  You choose treat, then, good for you.  But if you choose to not be home or to give out toothbrushes or Bit-O-Honeys, well, we're going to trick the shit out of you."  And believe me, they will.  Kids are assholes.  Kids who have been denied the Halloween treats they've been good all year to earn are even worse.

But candy-scorned toddlers aren't the only ones playing tricks on Halloween.  Teenagers have been known to get in on the act as well, especially church youth group members.  Youth groupers love Halloween pranks, and I know from firsthand experience.  Nothing says "God bless you" like a little midnight toilet paper tossing over at the parsonage.  

And let's not forgot those (severely stunted) adults who take Halloween way too seriously and spend all night crouched in the bushes with a plastic machete or dressed as Count Dracula hiding in an inflatable coffin just waiting for a gaggle of unsuspecting kids to shuffle by and scaring the partially digested Hershey's Miniatures out of 'em.

GEP has gathered all of these trick varieties together and ranked them for you, the viewer, in a little segment we're calling...well, it's up there at the top, so, you know, just read that.  Here we go!!!

15. Trampling the grass: Look, the old guy told you not to.  And then, when you didn't, when you specifically used the cement walkway to his front door as he repeatedly requested, he gave you a box of raisins.  So, yeah, trample through his grass.  It's simple, kind of lame, but it gets your point across.  Raisins for Halloween.  What's that shit?

14. Jumping out from behind a bush: Though a tad dated, this is a classic scare.

13. Flaming poo bag: Gross for everyone involved.  If you've got the stomach for it - and you're old enough to play with matches - you got a classic trick on your hands.  And a little poop.

12. Pumpkin smashing: A dick move, but gets your point across, especially if that point is "I'm a huge dick."

11. Toilet papering (TPing): A youth group prank staple!  Nobody gets hurt (except Mother Earth, but she isn't real!) and you get to litter!

10. Jigsaw-style life lesson torture trap: I debated whether or not I should count this one as a trick, because it's technically more of a favor.  By surviving one of Jigsaw's intricate torture traps, you might learn a little something about yourself; maybe you'll start living your life with a new sense of purpose.  Or maybe you'll just die in a horribly, gory way.  Either way, you win.  Except the one way.  (I only saw the first Saw movie.  Do people usually survive those life lesson torture traps?  They do, right?)

9. Drunk, axe-wielding uncle: Start feeding him booze around sunset and by the time the kiddies are toddling up to the front porch, he'll be good and incoherent.  Hand him an axe, tell him Charlie is on the move, and let him go.  Fun for the whole neighborhood.  And a helluva trick.

8. Living scarecrow: I think I mentioned this trick in a previous 31 Days of Horror entry.  This is a pretty scary trick, especially if you enjoy making kids cry and/or explaining yourself to angry dads.

7. Flamingo-ing: This is a great Halloween trick to play on a neighbor.  All you got to do is find a place that sells pink flamingo lawn ornaments, buy roughly a metric shit-ton of them, put them all over said neighbor's lawn, and scurry away into the night, giggling maniacally into your palms.  A great prank for someone with a lot of extra money and time and low amounts of intelligence.

6. Hire a little person; dress him up as a devil; have him stand on a bale of hay and shout at passersby: 'Nuff said.

5. Masked murderer: That's all Michael Myers was, right?  A Halloween prankster?  Sure, he may have taken things too far, but he was just having a little Halloween night fun.

4. Forking: Like flamingo-ing, only much cheaper.  And much harder to clean up.  

3. Scary clown mask: A great trick for year-round door answering fun!

2. Spooky sounds mix tape: Don't know if this is a trick really, but I know scary sound effects always made my blood run cold as a kid.  And, if you think about it, playing a spooky sounds mix tape is kind of a trick, especially if your house isn't truly haunted.  You are essentially tricking trick-or-treaters into believing you live in the Poltergeist house or something.  It fits.

1. Chainless chainsaw: A haunted house/haunted hayride/haunted outdoor maze staple.  There's nothing scarier than being chased around a parking lot by a weird teenager wielding a chainsaw.  I know from firsthand experience.  (Halloween Pro Tip: Combine tricks #1 and #3 for the most horrifying Halloween experience imaginable!)

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