So, I'm going to skip it, though, I will say that no grown man should ever want to have sex with either Bert or Ernie and now I do. I can't stop thinking about it. It's like living in a nightmare. Damn you, sexy inappropriate costumes!
Instead of joining the snarky masses - something I'm not at all opposed to usually - and further discussing the above costumes (I pretty much summed up my feelings with the whole "wanting to have sex with Muppets" comment.), I thought I'd turn my attention to inflatables, those pesky lawn ornaments that sprout up in your neighbors' yards around major holidays. Or just Christmas. I'm totally used to seeing Christmas inflatables when December rolls into town, but apparently Halloween is trying to get in on the act. For shame, Halloween. Haven't you done enough already (see: sexy Bert and Ernie)?
Halloween decorations should be scary. I used to love walking up to a house on Halloween night and being confronted with a slouching scarecrow who came to life and screamed in my face right before the front door opened and a nice, motherly type dropped a couple Starbursts into my jack-o-lantern bucket and the scarecrow assured me that everything was going to be all right because he wasn't actually a demonic scarecrow, but somebody's dad who knew kids liked to have the poop scared out of them on Halloween. I also liked those scary sound effects CD's people would play. They were probably cassette tapes when I was trick-or-treating. Ugh, I'm old.
Inflatables can't help but look fluffy and huggable. Be honest: is this scary?
Freddy Krueger and Jason Vorhees aren't supposed to be sweet and cuddly, and, yet, all I want to do with these two inflatable cuties is put on my footy pa-jam-jams and cuddle up with them in bed. One on each side preferably. A warm, snuggly three-way cuddle. Bliss! And don't worry, that isn't blood on Jason's knife, it's just strawberry jam. We're also eating PB&J sandwiches in my cuddle-time fantasy.
Some of my least favorite Christmas inflatables are the overly complicated ones. I don't enjoy complicated things. Complicated crossword puzzles, complicated video games, complicated women: I don't have time for it. Give me a reindeer. It's simple. I get it. I saw an inflatable depiction of Santa Claus relaxing in a hot tub while Rudolph and a snowman serve him hot chocolate and cookies at my local Wal-Mart last week andI almost suffered a stroke. I say "almost" because I don't think merely viewing a supremely stupid Christmas inflatable can cause things like that, but you understand what I'm trying to say.
What the hell is going on here? Way too much, that's what. You've got the Grim Reaper, but he's also driving a horse and carriage, a carriage that is a pumpkin, inside of which is a waving skeleton. I've got so many questions:
-Why is the Grim Reaper driving a horse and carriage around? Has the daily death toll dropped so significantly that he has time to cart people around?
-Who is that skeleton? Is he a skeleton celebrity or a member of the skeleton royal family? He's waving like he's some big-shot.
-Is this like a Cinderella thing? Is the pumpkin going to turn back into a regular carriage at midnight? Are the horse and Grim Reaper going to turn back into dress-sewing mice?
-Why does the pumpkin carriage have hexagonal wheels?
See? Way too complicated!
This big tub of goo is supposed to be a zombie. Have you ever seen a zombie that pudgy? What, did he eat Kevin James? Also, I'm pretty sure this zombie's got an inflatable sex doll mouth. This might not be for your yard, now that I think about it.