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Friday, October 19, 2012

STFU, Maria Salas!

I know that we're in the thick of the 31 Days of Horror, but I heard something on the radio this morning that was so grievous, so slanderous, so vomitously sickifying, that I had to interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to share it with all of you.

You've heard of this movie Alex Cross, right?  Tyler Perry (Yes, that Tyler Perry!) plays the titular character, an African-American detective/psychologist made famous by Morgan Freeman in a series of mediocre crime thrillers in the late 90's/early 2000's, and Matthew Fox plays the sinewy psychopath he has to put down.  I've already made fun of it on the pages of this very blog.  Remember now?

Anyway, Alex Cross came out (and will probably close, because, you know, no Madea) today, and so, naturally, there are ads for it on the radio, because people love the radio, especially the commercials part.  I was lucky enough to hear one of these Alex Cross spots on my way to work this morning.  You know the kind of spots I'm talking about: clips from the film (I swear at one point in the commercial Tyler Perry growled "Time to take care of business" or "It's business time" or something dumb like that.) mixed in with an assortment of positive critical blurbs ("Alex Cross is a movie all right.")  It was one of these critical blurbs, blurbed by hard-to-find-anything-about-on-the-internet film critic Maria Salas, that nearly made me throw up my bacon, egg and hashbrown breakfast burrito:

"Matthew Fox is the best villain of the year!"

Wait a minute.  What?  Matthew Fox's character - who is named Picasso, by the way - is the best movie villain of 2012?  That's what you're telling me, Maria Salas?  Of all the baddies that have growled, stomped and murdered their way across America's movie screens this year, Picasso the Serial-Killing Vein Factory is the best?  A bad guy who I think we can all assume is brought to justice by TYLER PERRY in a film that has a 13% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES, is the best villain of the entire year???

Hang on, hang on, hang on...JUST STOP!  Let me get this straight.  Picasso is a better villain than Bane, a nearly-indestructible super-terrorist who successfully enslaved an entire city and snapped Batman's spine in two?  He's better than Talia al Ghul, a cunning woman obsessed with revenge, who harnessed the power of Bane to enslave an entire city, and was well on her way to accomplishing her father's dream of destroying Gotham?  Picasso's better than Loki, the bitter Norse god who ripped open a portal in the sky, allowing a warlike alien race to reduce large portions of New York City to rubble?  He's better than the wolves in The Grey or that kid in Chronicle who used his newfound superpowers to wreck havoc on everyone who ever wronged him?  He's better than President Snow from The Hunger Games or the aliens from Battleship?  OK.  He might be better than the aliens from Battleship.

Look: Matthew Fox is not the best villain of the year.  STFU, Maria Salas.

[UPDATE: By the time I finished writing this article, Alex Cross had dropped to 12% on Rotten Tomatoes.  To see where it is RIGHT THIS SECOND, click the link!]

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