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Thursday, November 22, 2012

4 Thanksgiving-Themed Horror Films That Will Scare the Stuffing Out of You

There is a dearth of Thanksgiving-themed horror movies out there.  I mean, there's Thankskilling and its sequel, Thankskilling 3, which tells the story of Turkie, the homicidal turkey from the series' first installment, and his quest to find the last remaining copy of Thankskilling 2 and has a trailer that should not be missed, but then what?  That's right: nothing.  Christmas has got all kinds of great horror flicks, two of which, Black Christmas and Christmas Evil, are among my favorite horror movies period.  But Thanksgiving, arguably the greatest holiday ever created, gets a swearing turkey puppet and that's it?  Bullshit!

Understanding that this is, in fact, utter and complete bullshit, I embarked on a Turkie-esque quest of my own: to seek out, watch and share with my readers the names and plot descriptions (spoilers and all!) of some forgotten Thanksgiving horror movies.  As predicted, I didn't find much, but my quest was far from fruitless.  So, here they are, after months of painstaking research that at times threatened the very fabric of my soul, my marriage, and, once, time and space itself, 4 Thanksgiving-themed horror movies that will scare the giblets out of your ass.  You've been warned.

1. Killgrim (1985): In the thick of the slasher boom of the 80's, America was introduced to John Killey, a demonic, reanimated pilgrim who stalked and murdered the teenage constituency of Yam's Grove, Massachusetts in 1985's Killgrim.  Killey, who is conjured from beyond the grave one stormy Thanksgiving Eve by Yam's Grove High School's resident outcast, Peter Dooley, and his best friend, Dweeb, discovers that he is not among the well-remembered and revered pilgrims in American history and decides to make a name for himself by murdering horny teens in various Thanksgivingy ways, even though the First Thanksgiving in no way resembles what Thanksgiving has since become, but whatever.  He also makes a lot of "buckle puns" (Example: "One, two, buckle my shoe.  Three, four, suck musket, whore!" AND "The buckle stops your throat." [Killey stabs star quarterback, Kip Fullerton, in the throat with a razor-sharp hat buckle] AND "I'm afraid, you're all out of buck...le." AND so on...).

In the end, Peter and Dweeb, along with Peter's neighbor and total crush, Harley Jackson, who lives with an alcoholic single father who hasn't allowed Thanksgiving to be celebrated in his home ever since his wife died in a horrible boating accident that we witness in several, uncomfortably gory flashback scenes, raise the spirit of Squanto from the dead, pitting Killey against the pilgrim's bestest friend.  Squanto stabs Killey through the brain with a peace pipe and Yam's Grove is once again safe for fornicating teens.  Until the sequel.  Which doesn't exist.

2. Squanto's Revenge (1996): Speaking of Squanto, 1996's Squanto's Revenge isn't about Squanto at all.  Nor does it take place on Thanksgiving.  Well, it might.  It appears to be autumn.  Nobody mentions turkey or cranberry sauce or pumpkin pie or how shitty their family is or anything, but there is a touch football game.  I don't know.

Anyway, Squanto's Revnge is the story of a cigar store Indian who falls in love with the wife of the owner of the cigar store in front of which he stands.  Nobody is aware that he comes to life when the store closes and spends his evenings in the woods, hunting and fishing like in olden day times.  The giant, wooden indian, who is never referred to as Squanto (not even once!!!), witnesses a series of late-night dalliances between the cigar store owner and a pretty young woman from the Vietnamese nail salon next door, and overhears the lovers plotting to murder the cigar store owner's wife and move to Mexico with the life insurance money.  Squanto, or whatever his name is, decides that he must take action, and forgoes his nightly hunting and fishing trips to do some good old-fashioned murderin'.  He dispatches the Vietnamese manicurist in one of the most nauseating scenes ever caught on film (Let's just say it involves a curtain rod, two car batteries, a skinned deer carcass, and an explosion that kills everyone in the nail salon, customers and employees alike.  "Is this a snuff film?" I asked aloud during the scene.  It's gruesome.).  He then murders the cigar store owner (peace pipe through the skull).  Finally, he reveals himself to his one true love, who dies instantly of a heart attack when spoken to by the giant wooden indian who has stood outside of her husband's store for fifteen-plus years.  It's kinda sad.

"You were supposed to bring the corn casserole and you forgot?  How could you have possibly forgotten?  Look at all this corn!  It's literally everywhere!"

3. Children of the Corn: Thanksgiving Massacre (2005): There are officially 65 films in the Children of the Corn series, but only one (so far...) that takes place during the Thanksgiving holiday.  Thanksgiving Massacre pretty much shares the same plot as Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest, Children of the Corn: Revelation, Children of the Corn: Feelin' Kinda Corny, Children of the Corn: Isaac's Most Recent Return, Children of the Corn: Space Corn, Children of the Corn: Concert in the Park, Children of the Corn: These Children Be Trippin', Children of the Corn: The One with Korn In It, Children of the Corn: Where Are All of These Children Coming From?, Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To That Place Where the Children of the Corn Live, and Children of the Corn: Cobbed, only it takes place during Thanksgiving.

4. Give Thanks...Or Die! (1981): Identical to the 1980 film Christmas Evil (AKA You Better Watch Out), only instead of becoming a crazy holiday killer after witnessing his mother giving some dude in a Santa suit a blowjob as a child, the killer witnesses his mother giving some dude in a turkey costume a rim job.  Subtle, but different.  Still ends with a flying van.

1 comment:

Blogger said...

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