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Monday, November 12, 2012

Matt vs Matt: Zombies: Fast or Slow???

Occasionally, "hot button" issues arise that I can see both sides of. In these cases, it's up to me and myself to establish a dialogue and hash things out. It's time for Matt vs. Matt!

This week, I watched the trailer for the upcoming zombie apocalypse film World War Z.  If you haven't seen it yet, well, here it is:

Matt: Look, Matt, I just want to say right here at the top that this looks pretty sweet.  What do you think?

Matt: You speak for both of us on this one, my friend.  

Matt: I thought I might.  I don't know much about World War Z other then what I just spent two-and-a-half minutes watching just now, but I'm in.  I like zombie stuff.  Night of the Living Dead, The Walking Dead TV show, Shaun of the Dead...I dig all of that junk.

Matt: Oh, totally.  And let me just add that over the course of the following debate, we plan on keeping the focus super narrow.  We're not going to be ridiculing the people on Facebook who feel the need to constantly post inane ramblings about their zombie contingency plans or can't let a week go by without spoiling The Walking Dead for those of us who like to DVR the entire season and watch it in marathon form in one weekend.  That's not what we're here to do at all.

Matt: Absolutely, Matt.  And we're certainly not here to question whether or not it is a valid use of someone's time to read novels about zombies.  People are allowed to read whatever they want.  If they want to read about zombie apocalypses or vampire-slaying presidents or the memoirs of Hollywood bald-guy Joey Pants, so be it.  I'm not here to tell you what to read.  I've read two Twilight books, for Pete's sake.  

Matt:  What we are here to do is to come to a final decision on this whole fast or slow zombie question, and I think I can do it fairly quickly.  Fast zombies suck.  Let's order a pizza, call it a night.

Matt: Hold on!  Last I heard, this is a debate.  You can't just make a decision, order a pizza, and go to bed.  We gotta hash this out, bro.  It just so happens that fast zombies do not suck, in fact, fast zombies are the superior zombie.

Matt: [stares at Matt in disbelief]

Matt: What's scarier: something shuffling at you, slowly and steadily, mouth agape, arms outstretched, hands hanging limp-wristed, moaning softly OR something running full speed at your face, shrieking like a maniac, and tearing you to pieces like an undead piranha with human arms and legs?  I think it's the running thing.

Matt:  Tell me something, Matt, what's your favorite horror movie?

Matt: Child's Play 2.

Matt:  No, not your favorite movie, you're favorite horror movie.

Matt: Oh, The Shining.

Matt: No.

Matt: 1979's Tourist Trap???

Matt: One more time.

Matt: Halloween?

Matt: Yes.  Was Michael Myers running after everybody like some kind of bloodthirsty track star?  Hell no!  He moved slowly, methodically, murdering teenagers with the ease of a truly professional psychopath, and it was scarier than shit!  Michael didn't work up a sweat stalking Jamie Lee Curtis.  Jason Vorhees didn't get all winded slaughtering teens up at Camp Crystal Lake.  Scary things move slowly.  I think I've made my point.

Matt: The scariest thing in the world to me when I was a child was watching nature documentaries.  Any time there was a cheetah chasing down a gazelle, I had to look away.  No matter how hard that prey tried to avoid it's most certain demise, it never succeeded.  The cheetah always took the gazelle down because it was faster.  That is truly terrifying, knowing no matter how fast you run, how hard you try to keep ahead of the cheetah, or the zombie horde in the case of the non-dead people in the World War Z trailer, you will never be fast enough.  

Matt:  I seem to remember the whole predator/prey dynamic a little differently.  I remember the cheetah stalking its prey and striking when the gazelle least expected it.  A zombie is going to strike, make no mistake, but it's going to sneak up on you first or back you into a corner at least.  Either way, you're zombie/cheetah food.

Matt:  I don't think we're ever going to figure this one out, Matt, so maybe we should just wrap it up.  The truth is, fast or slow, zombies are cool and that's what is important ultimately.  Also, I'm not sure this counts as a "hot button" topic.  Shouldn't we have discussed something more relevant to everyone's lives?  I mean, the presidential election did just happen, you know.

Matt:  It did?  When do we find out who wins?

Matt: I don't know.  Pretty soon probably.  Maybe we should check the internet.

Matt: I don't think they put that kind of stuff on the internet.  Can we order that pizza now?  I'm starving.

Matt:  Sure, slugger.  Good-night, everybody.


Seth Hamedl said...

To whom it may concern,
My name is Seth Hamedl and i was wondering if i may possibly use your zombie illustration up top for a news flyer for a community event we are having. I would have to say the artwork is astounding to say the least. You may E-mail me at for answers

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