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Friday, November 23, 2012

Sorry, dudes.

So, yesterday I kinda just posted the video for Nicole Westbrook's "It's Thanksgiving" without any explanation and went on my merry way.  Sorry 'bout that.  Now that Thanksgiving is officially over, I've had time to rewatch the video and listen to the song two or three more times, and I finally feel ready to make some hilarious observations.  Hold on to your ribs, people, because I'm about to tickle 'em.  OK, enough of that.  Here's the video again.

1. What kind of adult-free, Children of the Corn-universe does this video take place in?  Does Westbrook own the posh suburban home in which she is hosting Thanksgiving dinner or are her parents lying murdered and dead on the cold cement floor of the basement, their rotting bodies longing for the dignity of a Christian burial they will never receive, because you know as soon as Thanksgiving is over, Westbrook is burning the bodies?  And if this is the case, the murder scenario, did all of Westbrook's bratty friends murder their parents as well?  I guess that's what all those weird kids did in Children of the Corn, right?  This video would be creepy even if the song was decent.  

Oh, I should add that this song sucks a hobo's bindle full of dicks.

2. In the opening lines of "It's Thanksgiving," 12-year-old Westbrook thanks an unidentified person for the things he/she has done and what he/she did.  It's that second thank you that creeps me out.  Thanks for what you did leads me to believe that whatever was "did" was "did" very recently.  Obviously, in my opinion, it's murdering her parents.  If I may be frank: Westbrook is twelve.  And a girl.  I don't see her pulling off a double murder.  And what if Mr. Westbrook had moved his elderly mother into his family's home after the death of her husband a few months back?  That's three people Westbrook would've had to kill to pull of her kids-only Thanksgiving celebration.  A 12-year-old girl might be able to overpower a feeble grandmother-type, but there is no way she could off her mother and father before they were able to arm themselves or contact the police.  Westbrook had an accomplice and I think this is who she is thanking at the beginning of the song.

Or the song is poorly written.  It's probably that.

3. Oh, wait.  This isn't an adult-less world.  There is at least one adult left. And, oh goodie gumdrops, it's Patrice Wilson, the songwriter/producer/ARK founder who brought the world Rebecca Black's "Friday" and its official sequel, "Happy," which makes "Friday" sound like the most beautiful Beethoven symphony ever written.

4.  Apparently, Patrice has been at every holiday party Westbrook has ever thrown, including the sad Easter Egg Hunt for One she organized in April.  Assuming this isn't a universe devoid of adults and one in which Westbrook's parents simply see no reason to supervise their daughter, weren't any adults Patrice's age throwing any holiday parties all year long?  Why does he show up at every one of Westbrook's shindigs?  The kids are essentially ignoring him - even at the Fourth of July cook-out, and he is cooking for everyone!!! - so why does he keep showing up?  And why, at every party, does he eventually end up in the turkey costume?  Does he keep the turkey costume in his trunk at all times?  "Oh, man, this 12-year-old's party is getting kinda lame.  Time to break out the turkey costume, son!"

5.  That one little girl brought ribs?  That's awesome!

6. I'm not religious or anything, but isn't rapping your pre-Thanksgiving prayer akin to blasphemy?  I know there's something about rap in the Bible, I just can't remember the chapter or verse.

7. Oh, Patrice Wilson ate all the ribs.  Sorry, kids.

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