Monday, December 10, 2012
Is there a well-known Christmas story, poem or carol that takes place on a pirate ship? I didn't think so, so, why is there an inflatable Christmas pirate ship captained by a one-eyed Kris Kringle available for purchase on the internet? There is no reason other than people are dumb and other people know this and have access to warehouses full of inflatable crap.
Look, I can buy Santa Claus and his North Pole buddies taking a pleasure cruise, but this is a straight up pirate ship. What do you need the cannons for, Claus? Are they a creative present delivery system or are they destructive war machines meant to punish the naughty?
There better be a candy cane plank to walk, or else I'm calling it right now: this is the dumbest, most horrible holiday decoration ever conceived. There. I said it.
(And now a short play - a playlette, if you will - in which a neighbor who has installed the above monstrosity on his lawn attempts to tell me (played here by myself) a seasonal, pirate-themed joke.
Neighbor: What did Pirate Santa say when the little kid sat on his lap?
Me: "There is no such thing as Pirate Santa, therefore, I do not exist." And the little kid fell off of the empty throne in the middle of the mall that his haggard mother had just sat him upon.
Neighbor: Uh. No. He said, um, "Yo ho ho ho. Merry X-mas marks the spot."
Me: How do you live with yourself?