Thursday, December 13, 2012
I'm not going to waste everybody's time and make fun of a child's stocking featuring the likeness of a member of British boy band One Direction. If that's what you are here to read, then you can kindly fudge off. There are ugly stockings emblazoned with every conceivable pop culture entity for sale out there, so many, in fact, that this feature could easily become 25 Days of Stupid Pop Culture Stockings, and maybe it will someday, but for now it's not, so, whatever.
In my opinion, stockings should be fairly basic: red or green with white trim, the first letter of your first name sewn into it if you feel like getting fancy. You hang it on your mantle or on the wood paneled wall in your basement - which me and my wife were forced to do in previous years as we were until now mantleless - and on Christmas Even you cram candy into it. That's it. All these SpongeBob and Power Rangers and Hello Kitty and Disney Princess and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time stockings are ridiculous. All pop culture stockings are super lame, except for one with Captain Kirk on it.
But that's not the point of the above picture. I took this picture at my local Target store while shopping with my wife and daughter one Saturday afternoon. It was the last One Direction stocking available, hanging lopsided and alone in the back. It kind of made me sad. Who was this poor, lone member of the world's most popular boy band (I don't know if that's true) that had been neglected by the swarm of tweenage locusts who had cleared the shelves of all other One Direction stockings? Believe it or not, I'm not familiar with the members of One Direction, so I don't know which one this is. And who can read that chicken scratch of a signature? No wonder nobody wants your stocking, dude, you're penmanship is atrocious.
Through research, I've come to find out that this young man's name is Louis. I don't know where he falls on the list of hottest to decidedly-not-hottest in most tween's hearts, but judging from this abandoned, flaccid stocking, I'd guess the ladies aren't really lovin' cool Louis.* Aww.
So, to make a short story insufferably long and then end it abruptly, I bought the stocking. I can see it hanging on our mantle from my desk, just waiting for Santa Claus to cram goodies inside. Merry Christmas, Louis and One Direction Bless Us Everyone.
*A quick perusal of Twitter shows that ladies do, in fact, love cool Louis. I no longer feel bad for the guy. Now I kind of hate him. I'm tossing this stocking into the fire right now. Serves you right, stocking, making me feel and shit...