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Sunday, December 9, 2012

Christmas Wishlist 2012: Everything Else

Only 15 shopping days left until Christmas Eve, dudes, and I don't mean to be rude, but the area underneath my tree is severely lacking in presents.  Let's get serious about this, all right?  This is the one time of year I ask for anything from you guys, not counting the weekly pleads to tell your friends and family members about this blog (By the way, could you please do that for me too?  Real quick.  Tell, like, three friends about the blog and then come back and finish up this post.).  Let's make this my best Christmas ever.

Last time I shared items from my 2012 wishlist, I focused on fashion.  Today, I'm basically posting everything else I want.  So, without further boring blah-blah-blah, let's start.


1. Nowhere but Up: The Story of Justin Bieber's Mom:  At last, a book worth reading!  There are so many books, you guys, and most of them are terrible.  I mean, really awful.  Thank goodness for Pattie Mallette and her instructional guide on how to craft your very own pre-teen pop sensation.  That's what's it about, right?  Why else would anyone ever choose to read a 288-page book written by Justin Bieber's mother on purpose?

Overview: Most people only know her as Justin Bieber's mom, but Pattie Mallette has had an incredible journey of her own. Many people have heard of her son's rags to riches triumph. A few know she was a teen mom who had to overcome a drug and alcohol addiction. Even fewer know the rest of her story. Now, for the first time in detail, Pattie shares with the world the story of a girl who felt abandoned and unloved. Of a teenager who made poor choices. Of a young woman who attempted suicide and could hardly bear to believe that God would ever care for her. One who messed up, got pregnant, and got a second chance. Every reader will find themselves somewhere in Pattie's painful journey of redemption. They will be encouraged by her example that what was once broken can become whole. Pattie's story will inspire readers to believe that even in the darkest of places, there's always hope. For those who feel unlovable, there's always love. And for those who believe they're a lost cause, there's always room for another chance.

I knew it!  Teen pregnancy is the answer to all of life's problems!  Quit slagging on Teen Mom 2 and 16 And Pregnant, you holier-than-thou a-holes.  Those girls are just breeding the next generation's Justin Biebers and One Directions.  They're doing us a favor.



2. CuddleUppets: Finally, a hybrid that makes fucking sense!  I'm sick and tired of all these pillow-fied pets and animals with nightlights shoved up their asses.  Blankets and puppets just feel right.  And, OK, this commercial for CuddleUppets never once stops being creepy, but that doesn't mean everyone in American doesn't need one.  Doesn't the stress of this whole "fiscal cliff" thing that I barely understand sort of "melt away" when you daydream about being snug and warm inside of a puppet that, let's face it, looks like it's been smoking weed all day while waiting for you to get home from work?





3. Pizza Shirts: Pizza Shirts come in two styles:


Pepperoni

and Partially-Digested and Vomited Into a Filthy Toilet



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