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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

10 Saved by the Bell Episodes I Love - #5. "Fake I.D.'s"

Man oh man!  Saved by the Bell Month just will not end, will it?  I suppose I could make it stop, after all, I do have all the power here, but I'm still enjoying myself, so if you're still enjoying yourself, we may as well enjoy ourselves together and wrap this thing up.  Or never wrap it up and make Saved by the Bell something we regularly check in on from time to time.  We'll see.  For now, let's dive into the final chapter in the Dark Jeff Saga, "Fake I.D.'s."

Every television show with a predominately teenaged cast does a a fake license episode.  I think it is required by TV law, widely considered the most stringent code of law in existence.  When the time comes, you cram a fake ID into your characters' pockets and see what happens.  Usually it isn't good and often a lesson is learned.

I'm not sure that there is any significant lesson learned in "Fake I.D.'s."  If there is, it's probably, "if you're going to make a fake ID in photography class and use it to hang out in an 18+ nightclub, don't stay out too late, because you'll probably fall asleep in class the next morning."  I mean, this club Zack, Slater and Screech hit, The Attic, is pretty tame.  Nobody offers the boys alcohol and there doesn't seem to be any drugs on the premises.  The worst that might happen is a stale bowl of corn chips at your table (Yes, The Attic provides Doritos to their patrons at no charge.  Pretty sweet.).  So, yeah, I guess the lesson is don't stay up too terribly late.  Good advice, actually.

Anyway, Zack helps a college student fix her tire and suggests that he too is attending USC.  The girl, Danielle, invites Zack to a local dance club, The Attic.  Zack gives Screech the task of making fake IDs  during Mr. Belding's photography class, in which it is hammered further into our skulls how much Kelly loves her boyfriend/boss, Jeff (Her photography project is called Portraits of My Guy.  Gag.).

Zack, Slater and Screech, who is wearing a fake mustache for some never explained reason, get into The Attic without a hitch and who do they see face deep in some slutty, bleach-blonde tramp?  That's right: Jeff.

I'd like to point out real quick that The Attic seems like the most boring dance club on the planet.  I've never been to an actual club, but I've seen enough of them on various reality shows to know that they are sweaty, dark, and scary.  They look like neon-colored cattle cars; disease farms with Skrillex blasting from every conceivable angle; damp piles of drug-addled humanity undulating and melting into one another.  Ick.  The Attic is clean, quiet, and almost utterly devoid of people.  Couple this with the all-you-can eat Doritos, and I think I'd like to hang out there.

The boys tell Jessie and Lisa about Jeff, and everyone elects Zack to break the news to Kelly for some reason.  Zack tells Kelly, Kelly calls Zack a "maggot-mouthed liar," and Kelly attempts to make weekend plans with Jeff, who lies in the classic, unconvincing sitcom style.

In the final act, everyone converges on The Attic (Screech has graduated to a fake Z Z Top beard by this point.).  Kelly catches Jeff in the act and Zack gets busted by his mommy.  Jeff apparently stumbles into some kind of black hole or something after leaving The Attic because he is never heard from again.

Fantasy Sequence: N/A

Totally Ridiculous (1): After breaking up with Jeff, Kelly retreats to the ladies room for a little scream therapy, Jessie and Lisa in tow.  Zack's mom shows up shortly afterward to escort Zack, Slater and Screech home...LEAVING THE GIRLS BEHIND WITH NO EXPLANATION WHATSOEVER!

Totally Ridiculous (2): As the episode opens, Screech is studying a camera as if it is some kind of ancient artifact that he cannot figure out, like one of those 2001 monkeys or whatever.

Favorite Line:
Screech: The Attic?  That sounds like fun.  There could be bats up there!

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Monday, July 30, 2012

6 Olympic Events That I Could Totally Dominate

I heard a story on NPR last week claiming that, at one time, poetry was a legitimate Olympic event.  It was removed after Olympic officials agreed that poetry is very difficult to judge and award metals for.  The gold medal poem read on the air was both about the Olympics and completely terrible.

The story made me think though.  I could write a dumb poem about sports or something and win at least a bronze.  I can't pole vault or ride a bike very well, nor can I fence, swim more than a single lap without experiencing heart attack-like symptoms, or spike a volleyball.  I'm old, out of shape and bad at most things,  but I can rhyme.  What rhymes with sports?  Tortes.  Snorts.  Chores is a near rhyme, I think.

There aren't many Olympic events I could excel in, so I came up with six new, me-specific events that would almost guarantee me a gold when the next summer Olympics roll around.  Tell me what you think, IOC members who read this blog on a regular basis.  Thank you for your consideration.

1. Walking:  I walk approximately 3 miles every weekday in shoes not in any way designed for walking 3 miles every day.  Can you imagine what kind of kick ass walking I could accomplish with the proper shoes?  I could walk better than some scrawny foreign guy, that's for sure.  I don't know what the track would look like, nor do I know the length of the walk, I just know that I could win the gold if I were allowed to walk and take several bathroom breaks along the route.  And we should be allowed to wear iPods.

2. Bejewled: When I'm not walking 3 miles to work in uncomfortable shoes, spending quality time with my family or sleeping, I'm usually playing Bejeweled.  You know Bejeweled, right?  It's just like Tetris, 'cept different.  Bejeweled is quite literally the only reason I have a phone.  No one ever calls me and my 63-year-old father can bang out a text faster than I can. so what other reason do I have a phone but for emergencies and marathon sessions of Bejeweled.  I could cell phone Bejeweled the crap out of the Olympics, son.  You get me an iPod full of Heidi and Frank Show podcasts, a caffeine-free Diet Coke and outdated cellular phone, and I can Bejeweled all night!

My most current high score: 139,464

3. Grilling Chicken Thighs: I'm not a bad cook, I just don't cook many things.  I'm decent at frying squash and my creativity knows no bounds when it comes to sandwich-making.  I do this lemon parmesan roasted broccoli that's a pretty big hit, but I'm a straight up maestro when it comes to grilled chicken thighs.  My grilled chicken thighs are juicy, succulent, and topped with a salty crispy skin that is excellence in its purest form.  Get chicken thigh grilling into the Olympics and I'll do you proud, United  States of America.
4. Sushi Eating: I'm a decent home cook, sure, but my real strength lies in eating.  I'm particularly good at eating sushi, which the staff at Orchid, my local all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant and unofficial "home-away-from-home," can attest to.  I loves me the sushi -- all kinds! -- and can down large quantities of it with the greatest of ease.  And when I'm stuffed to the point of nauseousness, no worry, I'll find room.  I have this little stacking dance that I do that doesn't really work but does makes my wife laugh, and her sweet laughter is all I'll need to inspire me to go for the gold.

I've also got an unbeatable team for the Sushi Eating Marathon: me, my wife and our friends Craig and Starr West.  The four of us are unbeatable.  Seriously.  Try to beat us.  You will fail.

5. Voice Over Recognition: As mentioned early, I'm not good at things.  I don't know my way around a car's engine, I'm not exactly "tech savvy," and I'm fairly lazy.  I do have a whole host of skills that would make me the perfect candidate for your bar trivia team however.  I have so much useless pop culture information clogging my brain, it's sick.  It's pretty much the reason I started this blog.  I needed a venue to share my inane "talent" with the world.  My wife is consistently flabbergasted by the deep well of pointless knowledge I possess.  She is particularly taken with my ability to name the celebrities responsible for almost every single commercial voiceover performance ever.  "Oh, that's Donald Sutherland hocking orange juice."  "I wonder if Willem Dafoe has ever actually tasted that yogurt."  "David Duchovny sure loves dogs."  Given the chance to showcase this ability on an international stage would be, well, simply put, a lifelong dream come true.

6. Mobile Phone Retrieval: Speaking of my wife, she is terrible at keeping track of her phone.  Really.  She misplaces it almost every single day.  And who always finds it?  If you guessed me, you guessed correctly, because it is me.  I'm the Benson and Stabler of phone finding.  No, I'm the Samuel Gerard of mobile phone locating.  That works better.  To my knowledge my wife's phone has never committed a sex crime.


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Sunday, July 29, 2012

Sunday Bloody Sunday presents...STFU, Russell Scott of Raleigh

Sunday Bloody Sunday is going to take a break from complaining about the Sunday morning "funny pages" today -- the continued suckiness of "local favorite" Prince Valiant, the fact that every kid who submits a drawing to Slylock Fox obviously learned to draw from the How To Draw Manga Handbook, the complete worthlessness of that teenage piece of shit from Zits, etc. -- and turn our attention to the opinions page.  And what's the hot topic in The News & Observer's Sunday Forum today?  That's right: the massacre in Colorado.  Here's what Russell Scott of Raleigh thinks:

Guns = Safety
     Let people carry guns!  The Colorado theater shooting could have been prevented or at least reduced by allowing law-abiding citizens to carry guns in more places.  At least two military or public safety personnel were at the scene and died protecting others.  People like those are likely to have carried guns legally but are prevented from protecting themselves and others due to legal restrictions on legal gun owners.
     It's a touch pill to swallow for many, but more guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens actually makes us safer!

I hate this argument so much, and it always seems to come up when there's some horrific campus shooting or other gun-related tragedy: "If more regular folks like me and my daddy and my dadd's daddy were allowed to saunter around town packin' heat, and some crazy Korean kid busted up into the Golden Corral with a semi-automatic, we could take him out right there at the Salad Fixins station before any innocent bystanders got hurt, I reckon."  This weird desire to turn every situation into an Old West shootout is mind-boggling.

So, let's say during the recent tragedy in Aurora, four or five theater patrons had guns in their pockets (Is that where you carry a gun?  Your pocket?  I honestly don't know.  I think drug dealers in movies tuck them into their boxer shorts or something.), and when the shooter ran in tossing homemade smoke bombs around the joint and firing a gun into the crowd, these previously-mentioned gun-toting Batman fans returned fire.  You're telling me, Russell Scott of Raleigh, that with all that smoke and all those people running around afraid for their lives and now five to six guns going off in all directions, things would've turned out better?  You're out of your mind, sir!  This was a movie theater, not a five-acre outdoor paintball facility.  This is an enclosed space full of smoke, darkness, and screaming people ducking and diving for the exit.  This is chaos.  And you want more guns going off in all that?  STFU!  

Look, I don't know what the answer is, but it sure as hell isn't your thing, Wyatt Earp.  

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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Giant Electric Penguin: New Digs & More!!!

What started in a humble basement/laundry room/man cave/place for a cat to shit in a box has moved on to bigger and, well, let's just stick with bigger, things!  That's right: Giant Electric Penguin Inc. outgrew our old digs and has set up shop in the swanky downtown building you see above.  I chose it for its "funky vibe."  You wouldn't believe the acoustics!  Or the size of the roaches!  But, hey, it's got plenty of electrical outlets (most of which still work sometimes!) and I gots it cheap.  I'm pleased as punch to call this charming fixer-upper GEP's new home.

Here's my new assistant, Bernie, showing off GEP's new, state-of-the-art phone system.  Sure, Bernie will probably use it to call sex chat lines during one of the twenty-seven breaks he takes each day, but at least it's equipped with voicemail!  Go, Bernie, go!

It's been my dream since the launch of Giant Electric Penguin to own my very own ostrich to ride Joust-style through the office.  I've also always wanted an executive washroom.  My wife vetoed the ostrich pretty quickly--though she did allow me to purchase a hand-crafted lance at the Renaissance Faire last year (Course, how am I supposed to use it without an ostrich...?  I know, I know: first world problems.)--but I got my washroom.  Check it out.  It's wallpapered with garbage!

And check it out: summer interns!  Say hi to Ernie and Shirtless Pete.

And how lucky are we?!?  This young man maintains this charming coffee/snack shop right next door to the building.  He calls himself Napoleon Christ--I'm thinkin' that's a nickname or sumthin'--and he's usually there bright and early each morning, slinging cans, arguing with the demons that live in his hair, and, occasionally, serving a concoction of his own invention that he calls "coffee" made out of newspaper ink, gutter water, and rust.  Enough Sweet'N Low, and you'd swear you were at Starbucks.

And here I am, the Big Cheese, happy as a clam at my new work station.  This is where the magic happens now people. I couldn't be more excited!

Thanks for sticking with GEP during our recent relocation.  We "promise" we won't leave you hanging that long again.  We plan to operate from this new base of operations for a good long time. 

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Sunday, July 15, 2012

Sunday Night Trailers: The Good, The Bad & The Shrimpy

The Good: Wreck-It Ralph


Like many of you, I am looking forward to The Dark Knight Rises, but I wouldn't say I'm beside myself with anticipation. I loved the Dark Knight, I trust Christopher Nolan, and I like the part in the trailer where that football field implodes, but I'm not counting down the days until its release on a Batman-themed calendar or anything. I'm going to see it and it will probably be good enough and I will leave my local multiplex pleased and, probably, filled to the brim with urine (It's over 2-hours this thing!!!) I am, however, legitimately excited for Wreck-It Ralph

I'd never even heard of Wreck-It Ralph until a week ago, when the trailer popped up on the AV Club. I watched it in my office at work without the sound, and was instantly sold. You had me at Bowser in a support group for video game villains, Disney. 

The Bad: Alex Cross


What a powerhouse cast, huh? 

Wait a minute. What's the opposite of powerhouse? I meant the exact opposite of powerhouse. 

First, Matthew Fox has got to hate that he made this movie. It was only a month ago that Dominic Monaghan called Fox out as a woman beater on Twitter, and now he's starring in a movie in which he plays a psychopath who tortures a woman with a monkey wrench. Awwwww-kward. 

And second, Tyler Perry.

The Shrimpy: Jack Reacher


So, I'm not familiar with Jack Reacher, but apparently he is the lead character in a popular series of novels by Lee Child. But who is Jack Reacher? For that, I turned to Wikipedia, as I often do when something I don't know/care about appears on my radar. Here are some Jack Reacher fun facts straight from his official Wikipedia page: 

1. Jack Reacher is fairly taciturn, though he will occasionally utter his world famous catch phrase "that's for damn sure" from time to time. 

2. Jack Reacher rarely uses profanity, except when he's using that catch phrase of his, I guess.

3. Jack Reacher fucking loves breakfast! 

4. Jack Reacher is a skilled fighter fond of uppercuts and headbutts. 

5. Jack Reacher is skilled marksman. 

6. Jack Reacher digs on the Blues. 

And most importantly...Jack Reacher is six-foot-five-inches tall, with a 50-inch chest, and weighs roughly 250 pounds. AND HE IS BEING PLAYED BY TOM CRUISE! 

Whatever, Hollywood.

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Saturday, July 14, 2012

GEP's Initial Listen Report Card: Alone: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo

Back when there were used CD stores (They may exist elsewhere, but we don't have any left in the suburbs, I'm afraid.), I bought and sold compact discs with reckless abandon.  On my last visit to CD Warehouse, a store that no longer exists, I purchased Stereolab's Emperor Tomato Ketchup and this thing, a compilation of Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo's personal home recordings and demos.  I purchased it, but I never listened to it.  I hadn't been listening to Weezer on a regular basis when I bought Alone, so I hoped this would spark some kind of renaissance.  Did it?  Let's find out.

[Funny story.  When I carried my purchases to the counter to check out, the cashier studied Alone's cover and asked, "Hey, who's this?

"Rivers Cuomo?  The guy from Weezer?" I said, flabbergasted.  I hadn't been this shocked by an individual's lack of musical knowledge since the time I was at Applebee's for a late night blondie with the wife, and our waiter, seeing that I had just purchased The Information and was checking out the included stickers, admitted that he had never heard of Beck.

"Oh, yeah," the cashier answered.  "Is this any good?"

How do I know, numbnuts?  But I said, "I'd never even heard of it until today."

He nodded.  He may have been having a stroke.  Let's review this thing.]

1. "Ooh" -- C-
A forty-seven second Muppet funeral dirge.

2. "The World We Love So Much" -- C+
Rivers Cuomo presents the home recordings of Billy Corgan.  This sounds like something off of the "tonight, tonight" single, only not as good.  This song was written by someone named Gregg Alexander, so the epic dumbness of its lyrics cannot be blamed on Mr. Cuomo.  The poor recording makes the song kind of enduring -- I'm a fan of lo-fi stuff -- but it's difficult to tell if Cuomo is trying too hard or joking around.

3. "Lemonade" -- B
A fun, punchy rocker about fresh-squeezed lemonade in the classic Weezer style.

4. "The Bomb" -- F
Some things are best left hidden away forever and ever.  Some things are better off destroyed, buried and forgotten about.  And some things should be placed in a rocket, fired into the sun, and everyone responsible for said thing should be shot in the back of their heads execution-style.

5. "Buddy Holly" -- C+
Early, unpolished version of the Blue Album classic.  Seemingly recorded in a vat of oatmeal.

6. "Chess" -- A
A simple, catchy pop ditty.  The first real winner on this weird vanity project.

7. "Longtime Sunshine" -- B
Rivers Cuomo presents the home recordings of Ben Folds.  Technically, not bad, but boring, especially considering the song right before it.  You'd be better off listening to "Chess" again probably.

8. "Blast Off!" -- D
Sounds like this one eventually became "Beverly Hills," my choice for the biggest misstep in Weezer history.  This track bleeds into...

9. "Who You Callin' Bitch?" -- F
What is this now?

10. "Wanda (You're My Only Love)" -- C+
There's nothing wrong with this song, I just think Cuomo has written better love songs.  "Wanda" is a little too earnest for my taste.  I'll stick with "Susanne" or "Jamie."

11. "Dude, We're Finally Landing" -- D
The opening number of the second act for the worst musical in Broadway history.

12. "Superfriend" -- B+
Sloppy, but endearing.

13. "Lover in the Snow" -- C+
Rivers Cuomo presents the home recordings of the cast of Glee.  I can see Finn walking around the McKinley High library singing this one.

14. "Crazy One" -- C
It's fine, I guess.

15. "This Is The Way" -- C-
Admittedly, by this point, I'd grown tired of this album.  But, also, this song isn't very good.  Again, I can't tell if Cuomo wants the audience to take it seriously or if he is being parodic. 

16. "Little Diane" -- C
Slowed down "Runaway," a song I'd rather be listening to.

17. "I Wish You Had An Axe Guitar" -- N/A
A recording of young Rivers and his friends discussing KISS and axe guitars.

18. "I Was Made For You" -- B
A classic Weezer-style love song.

In summation, I think I'm pretty much over Weezer, though Pinkerton remains an unmitigated classic.

[Note: Apparently there are two additional volumes of this Alone thing.  Don't hold your breathe for subsequent reviews, but don't count them out either.  That is all.]

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Friday, July 13, 2012

100 Songs I Love: 127-129

127. "1,000,000 Kisses" (Half Japanese)

A charming pop ditty about a scorned young man on a quest to make the object of his affection jealous by locking lips with an absolutely insane amount of females.  Pure pop nerdery at it's catchiest.

Oh, yeah: The individual who posted this song on YouTube is totaly aware that he titled it "1,000,000,000 Kisses" but he ain't changing a thing.  "Its fun seeing who notices," writes pcindarelli.  It sure is?

The number of girls I would have to kiss to equal one-million (not counting kisses given to my mother, grandmothers or daughter): 999,997

128. "Awkward" (San Cisco)

I like these kids.  I discovered San Cisco by stumbling across them one boring summer afternoon.  I don't know if you've noticed or not, but apparently the sun is dangerously close to collapsing on top of the United States of America.  It's sooooo hot, right?  Anyway, because it's been so incredibly hot outside lately, me and my family have been burrowing deep into our basement--which I guess officially stops being our basement at noon today actually--to stay cool.  And after we've spent eight or nine hours sitting in a circle, staring at one another, we like to lose ourselves in the corridors of YouTube.  Or, rather, I lose myself, while my wife and daughter do meaningful things.  But is an activity really meaningless when it yields such wonderful Aussie pop deliciousness?

I like this song. It's simple and is kissed with just enough darkness to make things interesting.  I also like the video.  It's got a Scott Pilgrim vibe that really speaks to the 15-year-old Nintendo fanboy inside me (yeah, "inside").  And, hey, while I'm passing out those 999,997 kisses I got left, maybe Scarlett Stevens, San Cisco's drummer, would like a couple, provided she's not underage.  And provided my wife doesn't mind. Just in case, what's the age of consent in Australia again?

129. "Aneurysm" (Nirvana)

So, during that same boring, sweaty weekend that saw the introduction of San Cisco to my life, my almost 13-month-old daughter and I watched Nirvana: Live at the Paramount on a deep cable channel that plays (mostly shitty) concert films.  Quinn was interested enough, I guess, but then the band segued into the furiously pounding intro to "Aneurysm."  My daughter's eyes were glued to the screen for the entire four minute duration of the song.  She bobbed her head ever so slightly and kicked her little legs to the rhythm.  She even tolerated my singing along. I've never been prouder as a father.

Note to concerned parents: The line "shoot the shit" was edited out.  No need to call child protective services.  (Jerks.)

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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Most Ridiculous Moments in Saved by the Bell History: Part 4

15. Dustin Diamond cut out of the People Magazine shoot:  I sorta understand why the rest of the cast didn't want Dustin Diamond invited to the big reunion photo shoot.  In the years since SBTB ended, Diamond had morphed from a geeky manchild into a bulky, grotesque bully, filled with equal parts rage and cheese fries.  He'd also written a "tell all" book about his days on the jewel of the TNBC crown, in which he accused Tiffani Thiessen of being a whore, Mario Lopez of being a jerk, and Lark Voorhies of being a straight up weirdie.  Oh, yeah, and he starred in a porno movie where he allegedly gives a young woman what is commonly known in the Weird Creep community as a "Dirty Sanchez."  I don't exactly know what that means and I'm too scared to look it up.  So, yeah, I get it.

But to cut Screech out of the original cast photo?  Where do you get off, People Magazine?  Screech didn't get into a fight with a drill sergeant on a Vh1 reality game show about fat celebrities.  Screech didn't climb in a boxing ring with poor, old, sweaty Horshack.  Screech didn't engage in anal intercourse with a pornographic actress and smear a fecal stain across her upper lip in a mustache-like fashion upon completion of coitus (I lied--I know what a Dirty Sanchez is.).  Dustin Diamond did that shit.  Don't punish Screech for the sins of his fat, perverted originator.

16. The movie theater: Remember the movie theater the gang was always going to?  That place was awful.  It was literally three rows of folding chairs.  FOLDING CHAIRS?  Where were they, a movie theater or a bachelor party?  Sheesh!

17. The hallowed hall of Bayside:  While we're on the subject of crappy sets, what the hell was up with Bayside's single hallway?  I've watched enough SBTB to know that we're supposed to believe that Bayside is just like any other multi-halled high school in America, but the illusion is sooo not pulled off.  There's clearly one hallway.  Sometimes Mr. Belding's office is in this hallway, sometimes it is not.  It's like Howl's Moving Castle or whatever.  

18. Screech's degeneration from super intelligent, lovable geek to insufferable goof:  Just as Dustin Diamond slowly mutated from a budding young television star to a paunchy pile of human garbage, the character he played made a stunningly confusing and altogether irritating transformation as well.  He was a straight-A student when the series began, but toward the end, it was hard to imagine Screech being able to wipe himself let alone build a robot capable of independent thought!  I think it started when the gang spent that summer at the Malibu Sands beach club and I think the moment it became real to me was during the club's Fourth of July celebration.  Screech has been given the task of ringing in the Fourth of July games dressed as Uncle Sam of "I Want You" fame.  Screech comes dressed as his Uncle Sam.  Ugh.  For the ultimate tour-de-force of Screech stupidity, you can't do any better/worse than "Mystery Weekend," truly one of the most awful SBTB episodes of all time.

19. Where the hell is everybody?  Oh, The Max!: So, Bayside's student body is allowed to go to The Max whenever they want?  Bullshit!  Does anyone ever go to class?  The Max is full of young student-types no matter what time of day it is.  At my high school, seniors were allowed to leave campus for lunch exactly once.  ONCE!  Zack and the gang stop by The Max for cheeseburgers and iceless, half-empty cups of soda between classes EVERY SINGLE DAY!

20. Bayside's basketball team is made up of exactly the amount of people needed to play a regulation basketball game.

21. Rap Rap Rippity-Rap: Snow White and the Seven Dorks, the Bayside Drama Clubs rap version of Snow White, features exactly two African-Americans.  Two.

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Sunday, July 1, 2012

Who Asked for This???

The last dozen times I've signed onto my Facebook page, I've been confronted with this:
Now, I don't know how you feel about pugs, but I'm fairly indifferent.  I've never been around any pugs, but they seem like an OK lot.  They've got that "ugly-cute" thing going on that is kind of endearing.  Ultimately, I don't have any strong feelings either way, so I admittedly have no idea whether a diehard pug fanatic would wear this shirt or not.  This could be the tee pug lovers have been waiting for, as far as I know.  For me, however, this shirt is all sorts of creepy.

For one, it kind of looks like a pug's face has been literally ripped from a pug's body and grafted onto a pug-colored t-shirt.  It's got this whole Necronomicon vibe going on that grosses me out.  I admire the attention to detail, but this t-shirt is the stuff of nightmares.  In fact, I had nightmare about this shirt last night.  In the dream, I was out at a fancy steakhouse with one-time presidential hopeful Herman Cain.  I can't remember what we were talking about, but Cain was dressed in a tuxedo t-shirt and a stovepipe hat.  Our waitress delivered our meals -- two juicy, plate-sized medium-rare New York Strips -- and Herman offered to give the blessing.  At the completion of the prayer, I moved to "dig in," but noticed my plate was bare.  Flabbergasted, I started to complain.  Cain, mouth full of his own delicious meat, calmly pointed at my shirt.  I looked down and saw that MY LIFELIKE PUG T-SHIRT HAD EATEN MY STEAK and was starting in on my baked potato.  When I tried to stop him, my pug shirt began barking at me viciously, snarling and nipping at my fingers with his razor sharp teeth.  I punched my pug shirt square in the muzzle, but it kept on barking and biting.  I woke up screaming and naked in a puddle of my own urine.   So, yeah, the shirt freaks me out a little, I guess.

Big Face T-shirts -- Oh yeah, that's the place to find this nightmare-inducing tee -- offers a wide variety of grafted animal face style t-shirts including gorilla, bunny, and pig, for my money the most horrifying animal face t-shirt money can buy.  And there are so many more, but I'll let you experience them for yourself.

As terrifying and gross as Big Face T-shirts animal face collection is, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want this shirt, like, right now:
I'd wear this thing every single day, son!

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